


There's No More Everyday

by onefootonego (startingXI)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Characters with PTSD, F/F, Gen, Heavy Angst, Pacific Rim!AU, TW: Mentions of Child Abuse, accidental sanvers slow burn, note the violence warnings, pacific rim canon violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 23:57:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 91,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9852707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego
Summary: you're fighting for the planet's survival.if only so kara never feels that same pain again.[or: a pacific rim!au where the world needs saving and the only way to do it is together]





	1. then - oneA - the danvers sisters

**Author's Note:**

> title from _someone who'll get it_ by highasakite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [in the haze of the kaijou's destruction, the world had missed an alien pod smashing into the ground]
> 
> [to be fair, so had you. until said alien was on your doorstep, small and shaking]

it wasn't that you wondered about aliens, from a young age you knew they existed. it was that when they did come, it was 2013 and instead of an assault from the skies - it was from deep within the pacific ocean. a jagged, gaping hole between two tectonic plates, a rift between dimensions 

the breach. 

when the beast - known around the world as a _kaiju_ \- made land in san francisco it took six days, thirty five miles and more tanks, missiles and guns than the united states army had to offer. by the end, when the kaiju heaved its last breath, flooding desert valleys with it's toxic blue blood, the entire world was watching the ocean. unbeknownst to the planet, life as they had once known it was over. for you especially. 

[in the haze of the kaijou's destruction, the world had missed an alien pod smashing into the ground] 

[to be fair, so had you. until said alien was on your doorstep, small and shaking] 

one day passed and the ocean was still, 

two, 

three, 

and the world began to move on. the event was memorialized as k-day, the dead were buried and mourned. reconstruction took substantially longer, but before plans had even reached committees, 

manila happened. 

then cabo. 

sydney. 

and it became very, very clear that this assualt on earth wasn't over. that these beasts, the kaiju, they wanted death, they wanted destruction. with each new creature that rose, the earth got angrier. united by a common enemy, countries, the people of earth united. 

you remember the day the pan pacific defense corps was formed because it was the same day they came to midvale. they arrived during dinner, there were the glittering fragments of a broken glass scattered across the floor and an apology on kara's lips when she had stilled. 

the knock had followed moments later. 

but the government was not here for kara, as had always been the fear. 

instead they were here for your father, and with them he went. with the budget of his dreams, his life's work came to fruition in the form of the worlds best shot at stopping the kaiju - 

the jaeger project. 

you don't remember much about the science in the early days, you only remembered that your father was gone, _gone_ , and you may never see him again. you may never hug him again. 

it was, as your mother said 'for the greater good' 

but it fell upon deaf ears, 

it was a statement you never really understood until you sat in front of the television watching dual piloted jaegers kill their first kaiju in vancouver. until you saw your father stepping out from the physical manifestation of his life's work. 

for a while it seemed like humanity was a match for the monsters from the deep. 

but more importantly, there had been talk of your father coming home. 

had been. 

the first assault on tokyo was a devastation unlike any other seen from the kaiju. the worlds first category two crawled up from the depths of hell, it ravaged the city and took two jaegers down with it. 

the first to go was that of clark kent and james olsen. 

rockstars pilots they were, but you remember sitting next to kara as she watched her cousin die. a cousin she had met all of once. 

[james survived, somehow, barely] 

it was a grief you didn't understand, 

for five minutes. 

because five minutes later, killing the kaiju in the city centre, you watched your father die. 

you remember moment, the cry of horror ripping your throat. 

you remember the day 

[may fifteenth twenty sixteen] 

the very next day, already seventeen years old and so, so 

_angry_

you enlisted in the jaeger pilot training program. you were the only cadet to show up alone - but you didn't care. 

you were there to become a goddamn jaeger pilot. 

\-- 

**jaeger academy, kodiak island - alaska**  
**september - 2016**

you're dripping in sweat, the room is unbearably hot and your opponent is shaking. not from exhaustion, not even from the heat, no - 

you recognize what's in his eyes and it makes you smirk. 

the fear. 

it should surprise you, a jaeger candidate showing visible fear, but if there's one thing you've got a reputation for over the past sixteen weeks, it's beating people. you're not breezing through training, but fueled by the raw agony of loss, you're the top of your class in nearly every subject: tactics, not so basic kaiju biology, jaeger bushido and engineering. 

your hand curls around the familiar smooth wood of your staff, moving into a starting position with the fluidity of a cat, you stare him down. you watch the fluttering vein of his neck, the way he gulps. 

there's a building moment of silence and then, just as you're about to move -

the door opens. 

your head snaps to see who's walked in and immediately the room stiffens for standing in front of you all is a man who's half myth, half legend, but all command 

j'onn j'onz. 

head of the jaeger academy and the second survivor of tokyo. 

[james olsen is the other, but he's a shadow in the p.p.d.c] 

you know he knew your father but before now you've never actually seen the man, not in the flesh anyway. you've seen him as a figure on a television screen, smiling and small. he's bigger in person you decide. 

"danvers." he says, and the single word is so much more all at once. 

it's 

'attention' 

and 

'come with me' 

you keep a grip on your pole and speak, meeting his gaze "yes sir." 

he eyes you, then turns "come with me."

you're out the door before you realize you're still carrying your fighting staff. you keep a grip on it, following at a jog, barefoot through the halls of the academy. you pass a group of new trainees, wide eyed and getting shouted at. they split to let you pass and for a brief moment you catch eyes with a girl, dark hair, dark eyes, white shirt and leather jacket slung over her shoulders. she's the only one standing alone, no buddy by her side. she stares you down for a second and you almost want to speak, nod, do something. 

but then the moment passes, you're at a half run to follow j'onn j'onz and he rounds a corner. 

you must be going to his office. 

which means you must be in trouble. 

which sets your heart aflutter and stomach twisting over on itself. 

"close the door." he says, taking a seat behind a desk. 

you do so and opt to stand. 

"am i in trouble, sir?" you ask immediately. 

he smiles, shakes his head "you're not." 

oh. 

well then, you grip the staff tighter. 

"i'm here with a proposition for you, from the marshall." 

you stiffen on instinct, the marshall of the p.p.d.c is a general lane, army and the man who thrust two jaegers into a fight against a category two when he should have hurled three. the man is, in your mind, responsible for your fathers death. and quite frankly you want nothing to do with him. 

"no thanks." you say, shifting on your feet. 

j'onn continues, with words that send your pulse skyward

"i know about your sister." he says 

"what about her?" you ask in careful, clipped words. 

"i know that she is the cousin of a man i knew as clark kent, and all that that means." he replies 

your blood runs icy. 

alien is what he means. 

you say nothing.

"i worked with your father, with clark." he says "they died heroes." he tries again. 

you refuse to betray anything across your face, and it takes an effort to stay neutral, to stay calm when your insides are on fire. 

"you're not touching my sister." you say firmly, frozen words filling the space. 

"i'm not here to take your sister." he says "i'm here with an offer." 

you blink at him, biting your lip "offer me what?" you ask 

"a chance to follow in your fathers footsteps." 

you swallow hard, that's struck a different kind of nerve "what do you mean?" 

"i mean" j'onn says "that there is no one you share more drift compatibility with than kara. and putting you with anyone else in the program would be a waste of your enormous talents. you could save so many lives." 

you hear what he's saying.

you hear the words and you know what they mean, but moreso, you know what they imply. he means to bring your little sister into the jaeger program 

"she's fifteen." you tell him "she's too young." 

"we'll make a special exception." 

no, 

you shake your head. 

no. 

you promised your father years ago, before the jaegers, before the p.p.d.c. that you would protect kara. and you know, with absolute clarity that you can't possibly do that if kara is fighting the kaiju. she's safest in midvale, safest far, far away from the coast. 

"no," you say, breaking the silence "i won't do it. she won't do it. she's too young, it's too dangerous for her. i won't condemn her to die in a jaeger." 

[you know what you signed up for - and kara isn't coming near it] 

"that," j'onn says "is unfortunate." 

and there's something in his tone that sets you on edge, even more than the balls of saying 

'i know about your sister.' 

there's something in the way he's looking across the room at you, so relaxed in his chair, like he knows you'll change your stance in a moment anyway - this initial rejection doesn't worry him. and you grit your teeth, 

you didn't come here to play games. 

you came here to get inside a jaeger. 

"i'll do anything you want." you bite "but kara is having nothing to do with it." you say it with the finality of someone who has decided this is over. 

and for you it is. 

kara is not getting within three states of a jaeger and she's sure as hell not getting inside one. no way, no how.

you know, part of you knew the moment you got on a bus for alaska, that there's a strong chance you'll die in the next five years, ten in you're lucky. but you also know you never really had a choice in the matter. not since the day your father left. you always knew your life would lead to the inside of a jaeger, to a kaiju. 

you've found yourself at the door, hand on the cool metal of the knob, other hand still clutching your staff. you expect j'onn to say anything, something, but what he does say throws you 

again. 

"kara is already here." 

you stiffen, whip around with fury fueling your words "where is she?" 

you're seventeen and you know you would fight this man to protect kara and if she's here, if she's already here -

your mind is racing with the possibilities of things that could have already been done to her. your mouth is dry and j'onn is just so, 

so, 

infuriatingly calm about the whole damn thing. 

"we approached her, your mother, this afternoon with the offer." he explains "she accepted at once." 

your mouth is dry. there's no way - there's no _way_ your mother gave the go ahead for kara to come here. there's no way. she was always drilling it into you, into kara, that you've got to protect her. that she's got to stay hidden, stay normal. 

"where is kara?' you demand. 

"of course now that you're saying no we'll have to adjust." j'onn says casually, ignoring your question "there are some unfinished experiments your father was conducting with clark, we'll resume them in due time. unfortunately there's not a mind as brilliant as your fathers left on earth, he could never quite work out a way around the pain." 

this was a losing battle from the get go you realize. sitting on j'onns desk is probably your file with every psychology test you've ever taken, not to mention your father probably told him how close you were to kara. how protective. 

[there's a memory somewhere of your first black eye. of kara pressing herself into a row of lockers with too much force and the fear clear on her face. you remember the way she touched your bruise later, sitting on your bed in the dark, the way that's how she learned what human touch was, how much force to put behind her muscles] 

you were always going to say yes. 

you sigh. 

you turn around. 

"okay." you say "i'll do it. but first," and this is not an argument, you're standing before him, arms folded across your chest, still holding a staff with a force to break it "i'm going to see kara." 

"of course," j'onn says with a nod "that's the answer i expected."

well that confirms all of your suspicions. 

"where is she?" you ask, angry and worried all at once. 

"cafeteria."

the rest of his sentence is lost on you. it's probably breaking some sort of code to walk out on the director of the jaeger academy, but you don't care, you can't care - not when kara is somewhere in this building. 

you're running, barefeet hitting cool tiled floor you're running a path you know by memory at this point. it's close to dinner, so there are cadets flooding the cafeteria in orderly lines, but you're pushing past all of them. 

you walk into the cafeteria and pause there, in the doorway. your heart is in your throat until the moment you see kara sitting. she's at the corner of a table, looking so much younger, so much smaller than anyone else here. 

you walk over to her as quickly as you can, and she sees you as you're almost there. she's in your arms before you've stopped moving. 

"alex," she breaths into your neck. 

"i'm here." you say, far quieter than you usually would "let's get out of here." you say, knowing that there are too many eyes and too many curious ears. 

you find kara's hand and she comes easily from the cafeteria. she follows you in silence all the way to the combat room. a room where you feel calm and in control and right now, you feel neither of those things because kara is here. 

and she shouldn't be. god she shouldn't be. 

the door shuts with an automatic thwump, leaving just you two in the silence, a beat, 

then,

"alex-" kara starts 

in the same breath that you say "what were you thinking?" it's more of a hiss, it's more of a question begged. 

kara takes a step back, she looks at you with angry defiance "i can help too." she says "and i know you would," she gestures "would put me on top of a mountain if you could, but alex," she says and her next words are in a language you recognize but can't speak. 

there are times when kara slips into kryptonian without even realizing it, mostly when her emotions are high and she's struggling to find the right words in this language to say. 

you read her stress in other ways as well. you can see it in the way her shoulders are pinned back, her hands clenched into fists with white knuckles. her breathing has quickened and it hits you then, 

an emotion you can't quite place. 

you reach out and run your fingertips down kara's forearms, curling your hands around hers. 

she stops talking, eyes wide and looking at you. 

"i'm sorry." you say softly, because you realize now what that emotion in your chest is. 

you recognize how it's twisted with guilt - 

guilt for leaving. 

guilt for telling kara it's not okay to work out her grief in the exact what you did. 

"you're all i have left." kara chokes and you pull her into you again, her head pressing against your chest "i can't lose you too." 

and oh, 

of course. 

your hold her closer, impossibly so. 

how could you have not seen this? how could you have not understood? 

you should have. 

she's already lost one world, she - the last kryptonian - how could she not fight for the one that adopted her? 

"i'm sorry." you whisper, smoothing her hair with a hand. 

"you just left." kara says quietly "and i - they came last night, they said i could help, i could save lives, with you." 

you swallow hard "it's dangerous." you reminder her, not that she needs it. 

"i was sent here to protect kal," she says quietly "but i failed that. i have to protect earth." 

you nod "we'll do it together." you promise her "we're better together." 

[and it's true.] 

[there will be records with your names on them, not hung on walls but whispered across the lips of the people] 

\-- 

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**  
**december - 2016**

there is a first time you drift with kara. 

it's been months of training, kara playing catch up and the academy bending all the rules to accommodate her, well really your, special circumstances. she studies hard, and the only struggle is hiding the notes she takes in kryptonian. she translates them from english at night, in the privacy of your bunk, when you can sit with her and ask about symbols and characters and kara is a good teacher when it comes to this. 

you don't mind studying with her, spending long hours going over notecards and textbooks, because really you're still learning about kara. you know she's incredibly smart, loves engineering almost as much as you do - except she has to intentionally fail some of the exams. 

kara hides her difficulty with biology - kaiju anatomy where it's really leaning another language atop the ones she already speaks. things change when you discover that kara can draw, to be more accurate, she paints. but it gives you an idea. so one day, instead of bringing notecards, you dig up photos, old photos of kaiju killed. 

[tokyo is missing] 

you tell her to draw the skeletal structure and you watched her face light up. from them on biology was easier, and sure kara preferred painting really, but the imagery helped. creating the images herself was even better. 

you supposed you should have figured she would always be more tactile when it comes to learning. 

[you still remember the press of her thumb against the shadow of your bruises, gauging what hurt, what hadn't] 

drifting is a different story all together. there was never a question of compatibility, but still, there was palpable tension in the room when you stepped into the jaeger for the first time. 

the jaeger you step into now is the jaeger that will become yours. you are the first pair to perform the neural handshake within it. but even now fighting days are aways away. today is a step towards that. 

first is the preparation, there's a raging storm outside, leaving the entire building cold and creaking - a sign of the times when the defense of the world is left in, basically, an old shed. 

the first layer you put is a grey-ish set of coveralls. yours fit, more or less, but kara is practically swimming in hers. it's almost comical, fifteen year old kara walking onto the deck of bay eight, hands lost to the depths of her sleeves. 

almost immediately techs and their trainees step forward. the next layer is a neoprene type material, laced with circuit boards; it's design is to interface with your nervous system, specifically guided to mute the pain enough to not cripple you - depending on the injury. after much shimmying and shifting, the slick of a zipper up your back makes you swallow hard.

armor is next, black polycarbonate designed to protect you from the stresses of being inside the jaeger. it's also, apparently, bullet proof. not that the kaiju have come out shooting, yet. 

last - besides the helmet, is the spinal clamp. 

this is your first time seeing one new. battered ones were handed around in lectures, but this one, this one is yours. 

[you wonder where your fathers is] 

it's lifted carefully from a foam lined box, to you it looks like some sort of parasite. they attach it to the suit at the base of your spine, vertebrae by vertebrae it clicks into place and you hear kara's doing the same. 

last, but not least, 

the helmet. 

lined with conduction gel to enhance communications, the helmet is also custom fit, and once snug, provides you direction communication to laccon, and also at this stage kara. 

but once inside the drift, you won't need it. you'll both speak anyway, but that's out of what will become habit. 

she's about to enter your head, you realize, as you're guided into the head of the jaeger. 

_"how does it feel?"_ you ask 

_"the coveralls are itchy."_ kara replies 

you laugh, stepping into place at the left side of the jaeger. you glance over at kara locking her feet into the right and a third voice comes into play 

_"alright, today we are only going to initiate the neural handshake, the jaeger will not be deployed."_

the voice is that of j'onn j'onz, a man who you've come to like a great deal more since your initial meeting. what won you over was, on your birthday, when he knocked on the door of your bunk, presented you with a photo, a candid. 

you keep it taped to the underside of kara's bed, and at night you look at the photo, 

your father, helmet in one hand, a photo in the other. the photo caught between thumb and middle finger is small, but you recognize it, recognize yourself. 

you wonder, sometimes, about the photo. when it was taken, where he kept the one of you, did he looks at it often? questions you want to ask j'onn, but can't bring yourself to relay. there's too much vulnerability in them. 

_"remember,"_ j'onn continues _"this will be intense, but do not follow the rabit."_

random  
access  
brain  
impulse  
trigger 

the acronym had been hammered into you from the beginning. people spoke of the true dangers in chasing the rabit, in letting the memories overwhelm you. 

apparently there was a hole in the wall of the sydney shatterdome from a pilot chasing the rabit, firing a mark-3 jaegers plasmacaster through the wall. 

it was lucky no one died. 

you're not worried about the rabit here and now, you know the memories will come, you know they will be all of your most painful times rushed to the surface. 

you don't worry about yourself because you worry about kara. 

you can't imagine what pain must be lurking under the surface for her. 

but when, finally, j'onn gives the all clear and 

_"initiate neural handshake."_

comes through 

your world fades away. 

or, it intensifies. for a moment you're not sure you have a body at all any more. but then you're slamming back into what feels like a body but is, 

different. 

more. 

oh, oh, it's definitely more. 

there's a rush of something else, memories flooding by and it feels like you're standing on the edge of some vast river. like you're on the bank of two great shores and on either side of you, memories are rushing past. One of them are not yours, or they weren't. you realize now that they're kara's memories. 

you see what must be krypton.

you see her planet exploding. 

you never knew she saw it. 

what overwhelms you the most is the pain. and it isn't new, it isn't washing over kara, this is her stasis. this, you realize, is what she lives with every single day. 

you have to pull yourself away, focus on the words in your ears, the voice of your liaison with loccan - a kid named winn who seems like he might be kara's age 

_"nueral handshake successful."_ he says 

you let out a breath, letting yourself adjust to the feeling of having someone in your head. to having kara inside your head, and being inside hers. 

"alex," kara says, her voice quiet and different "this is wild." 

you have to laugh at that, this communication may not even be happening out loud and you don't care "yeah," you laugh "this is wild." 

the rest of the time is a blur. but you're pulled out pretty much immediately after that, to smiles and mild applause. this is, apparently, a big deal. there have been far worse first connections between pilots. instead, you're left reeling from what you learned about kara. 

it must show because j'onn gives you the afternoon off with a concerned look. it takes you far too long to get back to the room, to the quiet and the peace and the door closing feels like a release on your emotions. 

you'd been warned that the first drift could be intense, but no one had prepared you for your little sisters last memories of her planet. or what it felt like for her to watch the only other person like her, maybe in the whole universe, get killed. 

it's hard, you realize, impossibly hard, to balance such pain and grief and anger with the person that you know, that you love. 

"i forget," kara says with a shaky voice "the colour of the sky at sunset. i want to remember but i -" her voice wavers "i don't think i ever will." 

it breaks you, to hear the wavering in her voice and all you can do is pull her into your arms because 

_you understand_

more than you ever could have imagined, you felt her pain. 

she cries, you cry - standing there, in what is supposed to be home. and you realize what you've always known, 

you're fighting for the planet's survival. 

if only so kara never feels that same pain again. 

\-- 

**the pacific - roughly los angeles, california**  
**october 2017**

your first kill in dark storm comes off the coast of los angeles. you face a category two called yamarashi. it's gritty and bloody and painful, but in the end you stand triumphant over the body of a kaiju and the first thing you realize is that kara is quaking. you feel it because still linked like this, you're also shaking and it's not from pain you realize. it's from something else. 

_"dark storm, return to shatterdone, well done."_ comes j'onns voice and he's undeniably proud of you, but right now you can't think of anything but kara. 

on the way she, you, feel almost sick. like she might be ill. 

"kara," you say, speaking so it's just between the two of you "kara you're okay." 

you don't leave it as a question, because even though you know she isn't okay, she needs to make it back to the shatterdome, you have to get out of this, get away from the monitors and the prying eyes and ears because she isn't fine and you know why. 

you can see the thoughts racing through her head, the memories threatening to overwhelm kara. 

"don't follow the rabit," you say quietly "we're okay. we'll get back." 

and somehow you do.

somehow you get back to the shatterdome, out of the jaeger. you look at j'onn who seems to sense something is wrong because there should be excitement, celebration - and part of you is /buzzing/ - but right now you've got kara tucked under your shoulder and you're eighteen and she's still your responsibility so you steer her away, you steer her to an empty medical bay. 

she's listless, her eyes are glazed and unfocused, she's still shaking. 

"kara," you say quietly, closing the door behind you, locking it, turning the windows opaque with the press of a button. 

you get no response from her. 

"kara," you say again, reaching for her hands - it reminds you how much she's grown now that her coveralls actually fit "kara look at me." 

she does. 

"why didn't you say?" you ask, voice barely a whisper. 

for a long while kara just seems to stare past you, through you. you don't force a response, you just hold her hands in yours, you let her take this time to think, to process in the privacy of her own mind. away from you, away from j'onn and the loccan. 

when she does speak, her words are carefully chosen and her voice trembles. 

"i didn't -" she starts, stops, shakes her head "i was sent here to protect this planet." she says, but it doesn't sound like her words. 

_at what cost_ you wonder, looking at kara because she just killed. she just killed and 

"i was supposed to be better than that." she says quietly. 

and somewhere in your mind, kara's memories surface, a conversation with her parents. she was eleven, maybe younger and they were so certain in this description of being above killing but, 

"they didn't know what you would face." you say "the kaiju, they will kill you, kill me, kill everyone if we let them." 

kara nods, she leans forward, head resting against your collarbone, she takes deep breaths "i didn't like it." she says "killing." 

you don't entirely relate. not really. because for you, killing a kaiju is something like vengeance. it's something like retribution for the lives their species took. 

[mostly your father, but still] 

so you just pull kara closer, you say instead "it wasn't senseless." 

perhaps justification in the killing, in the murder, is what she needs. and kara nods against you, she takes a deep breath, she says 

"i know." and she steps back, still looking conflicted, still looking dark and twisty "i want a nap." she says "and pizza." 

a smile flickers across your face "i'll go get pizzas." you say "you get some rest." 

all that really means is you taking a trek down to the cafeteria, but also perhaps you'll stop by j'onns. you take a moment to be excited, to relish the fact that you did it, that you killed a kaiju, that dark storm is a force to be reckoned with. 

"kay," kara says, nodding "be fast." 

you kiss her forehead "go rest." 

she moves first, then pauses by the bathroom door "you did good today." kara says 

"we," you correct "we did good." 

she shrugs, closing the door, leaving you to get to the cafeteria. you see j'onn waiting for you at a table, a stack of three pizza's in front of him.

[you forget how well he knows you both at this point] 

"sit," he says, and you nod "how are you feeling?" 

for the first time you let out smile "it-" you start "is it bad to feel happy?" 

j'onn shakes his head "not at all, but the clock has been reset, it's time to focus again. how's kara?" 

you consider "she's good. hungry." you say, nodding to the pile of pizzas "killing the kaiju," you start "it was harder than she anticipated." 

you don't want to let him know any more, but you also know his concern is genuine. 

"is it serious?" 

you shake your head "i don't think so." 

"let me know if that changes." 

"will do." you say, pulling the pizza's across the table. 

"and danvers," j'onn says, standing now "good work today." 

you smile, because yeah, you killed a fucking kaiju today, in record time. 

when you get back to the room, you expect kara still showering, or collapsed onto her top bunk, or merely asleep on the floor. instead of that, she's standing in front of the wall, a piece of canvas taped to it. she's got her paints in one hand, and in the other, a paintbrush. 

on the wall, coming to life in a series of brush strokes, is the kaiju. 

she turns and sees you standing there, she looks to the painting, swallowing hard "i want to remember it." kara says slowly "we killed it for a reason, for a purpose, but it was a living thing." 

"i think that's a good idea." you say honestly, setting a box of pizza down, open on the bed by her "i'm going to shower." 

kara nods, already absorbed into her painting again. 

and when it's done, she puts it away. you don't know where, or if she looks at them, but you do know that for every kaiju you kill after that, she paints. 

she paints the kaiju you kill, she does it in silence. sometimes you're there, showering, resting, nursing a bruise, but you always let her have the time. you guard it, her, fiercely. this is her reconciliation, with her god or gods perhaps, or maybe just with herself. 

\-- 

**the miracle mile - anchorage, alaska**  
**december 2019**

you've always known you were going to die in a jaeger. and when kara became your copilot, when you started to become one in the same, you realized that the kaiju have taken your father, 

and it's a matter of time before they take you as well. 

one day your mother will have, like so many others, lost everything to the kaiju. and perhaps, you realize, today might be that day. you push the thought, the pain, from your mind, dragging yourself back to the present, to the now - 

you're out in dark storm, in the middle of a winter howler that's brought ice, frozen winds and a kaiju up from the depths of the pacific. you're facing the first category four the world has ever seen. 

the first category three hit guatemala over a year ago. you watched with baited breath as reckoning, a mark 4 jaeger with a pair of pilots who you haven't met, blasted a hole through it's beating heart. 

[maggie sawyer they say, takes nothing into the drift. you aren't sure how it's possible, remind yourself that it's only a rumor - like the rumors of her partner being a firecracker, the wildcard, and the only person she could pair with, was sawyer. but then again, they're just rumors, and they're just rockstars, or they were]

but this is not guatemala, this is not a category three, this is a four. this is a monster and you are the only thing in it's path. and it looks like even dark storm may fall, this could be the kaiju that takes you down, that adds your names to the wall of the fallen. 

[your fathers name is there, you hate it] 

part of the armour has been eaten away by a spray of acid, you feel the acid burning through the hull, eating at the electrics, like it's eating away at the sinew of your muscle. you're not crying, but your jaw is clenched and you're leaning heavily into kara's mind here. kara who feels the pain, but has felt worse. she's calling every command, every action she takes and time is running out, 

the rabit is coming. 

the drift, 

_"use the sword."_ j'onn is saying 

like you don't already know that. 

like you aren't already giving all of yourself just to move your arm, just to pull it from the sheath. the sound of metal grinding and snapping into place, the blade flashing against the pounding waves - it gives you a moment of clarity. 

and in that moment you realize, you really realize 

you won't make it through this. 

you're down a leg, you're limping heavily, you muscles are being eaten alive by this acid and all you can think about is watching your father on the tv, 

watching him die. 

was he like this? 

did he know? 

"alex," kara is shouting, voice heard above the gale "alex come on we can do this." 

she sounds desperate. 

she sounds scared. 

you're fighting, you have enough within you to bring the sword up, but then, then you swear the acid has reached your bones and you can't. you can't. 

the world is closing in, the kaiju, with a clawed hand, is coming for you, but the machines are screaming. the machines are telling you, telling everyone you've fallen out of nueral alignment. 

you're going to die. 

you've killed kara. 

your last sounds are going to be the wailing of machines, the sound of kara breathing in your ears and the feel of icy rain against your face. 

this must be dying you decide,

when the world seems to go quiet, the machines silenced - your hearing must be gone. 

your vision is certainly blurry. 

you're on your knees, breathing erratic, maybe not breathing at all. 

death must be slow. 

[was it for your father] 

your eyes flutter shut and the last thing you see, the last thing you hear is kara saying 

"i can do this." 

do what, you wonder? 

do what? 

[you've never felt so close to your father than you do sinking into the abyss] 

[will you see him in whatever comes after death and dying?] 

[you hope so] 

[you don't] 

you do not die. 

instead you wake up in a medical bay. the same one you talked to kara in you realize, the one you see her in now. she's standing next to you, her hand in yours and when you open your eyes, her head snaps up. 

"alex," she breaths softly "alex thank god." 

you squeeze her hand, trying to speak and instead forcing a cough to rip through your chest. there's a cup of water in seconds, kara gone and back again in a flash, she helps bring the straw to your lips, coaxes you through small sips. 

"better?" she asks 

you nod slowly. 

you take a deep breath, ask "what happened?" 

kara fiddles with her hands, looks down, looks away "we killed the kaiju." she says, but you know that can't be quite right. 

you know you never reengaged, you couldn't have helped kill the kaiju, which means, if it's dead - 

"you killed it." you say quietly. 

kara is still for a moment, then she nods "yeah," she says "i - i piloted the jaeger on my own." 

you blink at her for a moment, trying to process, trying to understand what she's just told you. 

as words, the sentence makes sense. but in context, you shake your head - the reason a two pilot system exists is because no human could - 

oh 

no human. 

you look at her "you - you completed the nueral handshake with the jaeger on your own?" 

kara nods. 

you reach for her hand again "kara," you say quietly, breathlessly "you saved my life." 

"both our lives." she says quietly, looking away still, her eyes getting brighter "they say kal, he - he could never quite do it on his own. they tried and tried, but-" she shakes her head "It was always too painful." 

and words come rushing back to you, from an eon ago, 

j'onn speaking of projects done and tested, of pain never quite under control. 

this, you realize, this was what your father had been working on. 

clark kent and a jaeger to himself. 

where he had failed, kara had gone and done it. 

if only to save you. 

"that's amazing." you say quietly. 

but kara is still caught up in the memories of kal, of the battle. you're reminded that she's only eighteen. that the weight of a world should not rest on such shoulders. 

but they do. 

"come here," you say quietly, urging her into the bed with you, never mind your aching ribs. 

you can feel her restraining herself, careful not to jostle you, but you pull her closer, you feel her shallow, unsteady breaths and you let her cry. 

you let her cry against your shirt.

[your time will come] 

[for tears, for fears, for anger] 

[but now is not that time. now is for kara, and the only kaiju she will never paint] 

if you're being honest, part of you is glad kara piloted on her own. because you know it means they'll let her keep doing it. the focus will come to her, not to you, because you're hours fresh off nearly dying and the last 

the absolute last thing you want to do is get inside a jaeger again. 

you're not sure you'll ever want to do it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first off, cheers for making it this far down. quick tap of the kudos button or a comment in the box below goes a long way to making this author feel warm and fuzzy. 
> 
> next, i have the succeeding two chapters already written. the next is the introduction of m'gann and lucy and after that - well you'll have to wait and find out. 
> 
> third, i will do my very best to update the tags as i go. including characters, relationships, trigger warnings, etc. please let me know if there's issues with what i've tagged, i'll be happy to chat and change as needed. 
> 
> fourth, all of my pacific rim information has come from watching the movie approx. fifteen times and extensive browsing of the pacific rim wiki. if you're more knowledgeable about the universe than me and see any glaring problems, feel free to holler my way. 
> 
> fifth? i don't think i have a fifth - i suppose i can say that i want to stay two chapters ahead. so once i have chapter four done, chapter two will go up! or something like that. 
> 
> on tumblr @ [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)


	2. then - oneB - lucy lane and m'gann m'orzz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how m'gann m'orzz learns that her 
> 
> 'alternate mos' is actually 
> 
> 'become a jaeger ranger at the training academy in achorage and get shipped off to vladivostok'

there was a discussion, in a windowless room of the p.p.d.c, between two countries. two countries whose entire history has been that of odds, odds against each other, fighting quietly, fighting openly, vehement dismissal of partnership and unity. a 'you kill us, will kill you' sort of lingering silence. 

yet, 

in the wake of the kaiju came a different sort of mindset. 

there were people for whom the differences of yesteryear mattered less. too long had the children of these countries been paying for their fathers mistakes. 

and so, a meeting was held. 

two women, in the belly of the p.p.d.c - discussing a different sort of future. 

a future that begins with a trade. 

a trade of rangers, 

russia would send theirs to los angeles and in return, the us would send theirs to vladivostok. 

if you ask the rangers involved, it hardly seemed like a fair trade. perpetual summer versus the bleakest, longest, darkest winters imaginable. 

sure thing, they'd said. 

sure thing. 

and it wasn't the danvers sisters who were sent across an ocean. no, instead, summoned from within the united states army, sent through a ranger crash course and shipped off before they could blink were two woman,

soon to be legends. 

not that they knew that when the first met of course. but really, who does? 

\-- 

**a place that doesn't technically exist - unknown, unknown**  
**may - 2018**

m'gann wasn't exactly sure what post bootcamp graduation was supposed to be, but, she figures the odds that it was to involve getting asked to partake in an 

'alternate mos' 

with 

'no more details available at this moment' 

were slim. 

but, hell, she had nothing to lose really, so she'd said yeah, sure, why not. 

what she should have done was ask for a change of clothes and perhaps a bottle of water. she really feels like she's a black hood over the head away from disappearing from the radar forever - that's just how long she's been in the back of this truck, sitting, alone, with nothing but her own thoughts for company. 

mostly she's glad for the rest. 

what she thinks was a substantial amount of time at the beginning of the journey was spent sleeping. there was not a lot of that done at basic, so the chance to do it now, on an unforgiving metal surface without a pillow or a blanket and only the rumbling of tires across the highway to lull her to sleep, was a godsend for sure. 

what brings m'gann out of her fourth, fifth consecutive attempt at dozing, is the slowing of the truck. the way she hears voices murmuring, nothing that she can catch, but hey, they must be getting close to...somewhere. 

maybe. 

when the engine cuts and m'gann counts out fifteen long seconds before the back of the truck is opened, she's greeted by darkness. there's the glittering of a thousand, thousand stars above and it is, apparently, a moonless night. but that's not what catches m'ganns attention. 

what she notices second, beyond stars and darkness, is the desert. or what she thinks is desert. there are no floodlights here, barely enough light for her to see the shape of the figure who opened the door for her, but she knows enough to stand at attention regardless. there's beats of silence, and she takes them to look past what must be chainlink, barbed wire topped fences. there's not a distinct building in sight, nothing identifiable. 

it's creepy, m'gann decides first, then, second she decides that this is probably a blacksite.

or some other place that isn't technically supposed to exist. she isn't sure why she thinks that, there's nothing that outwardly screams 

'secret us army base in the desert' 

but also, everything kind of does? it's a strange feeling, strange to explain - but no one is asking. so there's that. 

"come with me." a stranger says and m'gann nods, sure

once again, 

why the hell not. 

she follows the shadow across the base, where a badge is scanned and a sensor goes from red to green in a blink. the door clicks open and m'gann is taken into what feels like an airplane hanger. 

she thinks for the briefest of seconds perhaps this is an airforce base? 

but then, as she walks in lights flicker on and the telltale print of us army emerges, not that there are dozens of people or anything. but hell, she's got to be the lowest person on the food chain in here, not even twenty four hours from bootcamp and she's been taken to -

m'gann stops short. 

they walked through a set of double doors and what presents itself on the other side is, 

well, 

a jaeger. 

a full blown, tens of feet tall, gleaming red and iron grey jaeger. 

m'gann has never been in one, or near one, but she has a twitter account, and facebook, so she's seen the damn things. they're somehow bigger in person, bigger than she could have ever imagined. so large that even tipping her head back to see the head is barely possible. 

she just stares. 

this does nothing to answer her questions though, she realizes, only adds more to the pile. what could an army affiliated jaeger want with her? she's no one. she's, 

she's m'gann m'orzz. orphaned from the age of thirteen, on k-day when the first kaiju took everything from her. she's a rag tag, rough and tumble, self-sufficient, never found a foster home that fit her, girl. she took one look at the army and said yes. 

and now she's here. 

in front of a jaeger. 

if there was irony there, or something, m'gann was missing it. 

what she wasn't missing was the general walking towards her. 

a general, m'gann realizes and her training kicks in and instead of staring, open mouthed at the jaeger, she stands as straight, as stiff as she can. 

"you're not in the army any more," the general says, "relax." 

uhm. 

well then. 

okay. 

"i'm not?" m'gann asks. 

"no." the general says. 

apparently he is seeing no need for further clarification on that point. so m'gann is left with little more than the ability to just go with it. 

despite the fact that she wanted to know 

a- if she's not in the army, what happened? 

b - why??? 

c - where is she and could she possibly get a shower? 

none of it is needed in that particular order, but for the mean time it seems like m'gann won't be getting any of it. instead, she follows the general past the jaeger, m'gann stealing one last glance at it and trying to ignore how it seems to be calling to her. 

it's a machine, she thinks, it can't actually call to anyone. 

but she's here for a reason. 

she may not know that reason, but logically it must exist. 

and it turns out, that reason comes in the form of anther solider. a girl, she can't be that much older than m'gann herself, standing, barefoot on a mat, inside a training room.

"shoes off." the general instructs, a general lane m'gann realizes, seeing his name there in block, black capitals. 

m'gain does as told, watching the girl - clad in a grey army t-shirt and black shorts, square off against a man nearly twice her size. it should be a desperately uneven fight, and it is. 

the man ends up on his back with a foot pressing against his throat in maybe ten seconds. 

m'gann would be a filthy liar if she didn't say it was impressive. 

the general nods to m'gann "you're next." 

it's really only then that m'gann wishes, for the briefest of seconds that she's in some shitty motel, wasting her leave watching netflix and ordering pizza. but, instead, she's here, stepping onto a spongy mat, about to face off against a woman who could probably, and fairly easily, kill her. 

except that's not what happens. 

m'gann can't explain it, not until later - when she learns the term 'drift compatible' - but squaring off against this stranger is unlike any other fight m'gann has been in. 

[to her credit, she's been in a few] 

it seems like the stranger is moving in slow motion, her moves are predictable, blockable, and there are spaces in her attack that m'gann sees and is able to exploit. somewhere, off the mat, she realizes points are being called, by that's not where her focus is, she's zoning in on this stranger, on this fight that's become more of a dance. they trade hit for hit, blow for blow, and m'gann is sure she's never felt anything like it before. 

or at least not for a very long time. 

time is called and they both drop their hands, sweating, breathing hard. the girl looks across the m'gann, then over to the general 

"her." she says 

m'gann assumes her, is, her. maybe she passed something? 

the general nods "i'll inform j'onzz, you leave tomorrow at 0600. i trust you to explain everything." 

and then he's gone. 

leaving m'gann with this stranger, barefooted and now only slightly more keen on a shower. 

"so," she starts "i, uh, i'm m'gann." 

the stranger waits until the door has closed again and the shift in her shoulders, in her spine, in the way her entire presence changes is noticeable at once "i'm lucy." she says. 

"not to be, rude, but, what am i doing here?" m'gann asks, trying to get a read on the situation. 

lucy smiles "what do you know about the jaeger program?" 

"besides the fact that that's one standing in the hanger?"m'gann asks "not all that much really." 

"well," she says "get ready to. you and i are going to become rangers." 

and that's how m'gann m'orzz learns that her 

'alternate mos' is actually 

'become a jaeger ranger at the training academy in achorage and get shipped off to vladivostok' 

\-- 

**shatterdome - vladivostok, russia**  
**october - 2018**

their bunk is small. a bunk bed set up in one corner, spanning most of that wall. adjacent is a mirror, a set of drawers and a door leading to a small, even more cramped bathroom. the only signs that this is anything other than the worlds saddest college slash prison dorm room, is the tv and couch that consumes the rest of the room. 

there are three neat stacks of dvds, movies and tvshows, a few documentaries and sitting atop the middle pile is a worn deck of cards. the lighting is shed from a string of multi-coloured fairy lights that run the perimeter of the room, hanging from neat tacks jammed into the wall. combine it with the red duvet on the top bunk and purple duvet on the bottom, this place is distinctly loved. 

as it should be, for lucy and m'gann, this is home. 

this is their private space within a base that lacks that distinct feature. step outside those doors and it's all eyes and ears on the rangers, the rangers who have given dark storm a run for their money in the simulators. 

at the present, m'gann and lucy are sitting on the couch, fairylights illuminating the room is a softer light, a change from the harsh fluorescents of the base. they've got the tv on and an episode of friends playing, but neither are really paying attention. 

instead, m'gann has nabbed the deck of cards from the dvds and is slipping them out of the rubberband. she shuffles with the skill of someone who would be comfortable working in vegas, and deals out seven cards. 

the two of them are wrapt in conversation, playing this game and watching tv seem almost like afterthoughts for them, just other things to do to occupy the rest of themselves. 

"i'm only saying," lucy says, taking a card from the deck and frowning "that at the end of the day we got shipped to the land of eternal winter, meanwhile sasha and alexis get to go to los angeles? that really doesn't seem fair." 

she puts a card down face up and m'gann takes it "i don't know why you're complaining now, you do know that we haven't actually faced a winter here yet. right?" 

she lays down the four, five and six of diamonds, then looks back to lucy "it's going to get a whole lot colder." 

she puts a card of her own face up on the discard pile. lucy takes a moment before she responds, glancing between the cards in her hand and the card m'gann has just dumped. after some debate, she opts out, takes a card from the deck instead and barely masking a smirk. 

"i'm aware," she says "that it hasn't been above zero degrees in over two weeks. and it's only october." she punctuates her sentence by discarding the three of clubs. 

the game continues on, but m'gann and lucy are more focused on the conversation. on weighing out the pros and cons of being trapped in russia, in the winter. three games later, they've decided that they're going to need more layers. warmer layers, and hot water bottles and 

"you should ask alex what they use up in alaska." m'gann says 

"danvers?" lucy asks "i don't have her phone number," she continues "she taught that first aid class once." m'gann just smirks and lucy continues, ignoring that thank you very much "and plus they're like one helicopter ride from the amazon warehouse, they can get anything they want on demand." lucy says "but maybe she has some tips on how to stop my socks from coming off every night." 

"i keep telling you duck tape." 

"and i keep telling you i'm not a toddler who needs their diaper taped on." 

"tell that to the sock graveyard at the bottom of your bed." 

lucy rolls her eyes, glances to the clock on the wall, "i hear there's pizza on in the cafeteria." 

"is this like how you heard they were doing chocolate cake and then it turned out to be some new protein all in one bar?" 

lucy shuffles the cards with less elegance than m'gann and wraps the band around them again "no," she says "that wasn't my fault, i told you it was a rumor and it wasn't to be trusted." 

"and what makes this trust worthy?" m'gann asks, eyeing lucy as they stand and find appropriate footwear. 

"i saw the pizzas." lucy says. 

m'gann believes that lucy may have seen pizzas at one point, but when they walk into the cafeteria, they're met with grey stew and m'gann eyeing lucy, hissing the whole way through the line "pizza you said, this doesn't look like pizza. this looks like chicken surprise." 

"don't get mad at me," lucy says "i have to eat it just the same as you." 

"yeah," m'gann says "but you got my hopes set on pizza, not," she picks up her spoon and lets the broth drip off of it "this." 

"one day," lucy says "there actually will be pizza." 

"yeah," m'gann agrees "but i won't believe you. you're the girl who cried pizza." 

"better than crying wolf." 

m'gann frowns "not really, if you cried wolf we'd all just look at you because nothing can survive outside in this weather." 

"tigers can." 

"tigers are not wolves." m'gann points out "and they're not pizza."

"well shit," lucy says "here i was thinking they were." 

m'gann just rolls her eyes and lucy smirks over a spoonful of soup. 

\-- 

**shatterdome - vladivostok, russia**  
**november - 2018**

the call comes at two am. 

m'gann is asleep, lucy is laying on the couch half asleep - half watching an old episode of jag. it's a state of rest for them, a usual evening because they've been here nearly five months and there hasn't been a kaiju. at least not one for them. 

there was one in gautemala, two days after lucy and m'gann first met - when they were already elbow deep in the jaeger program and trying to wrap their heads around each other and this new and unexpected future. 

but that was seven months ago so the world is waiting, with baited breath, it's getting to that time of the year. november, december, the kaiju always come. and this time, this time they're coming for russia.

the call blares out across the klaxon, shaking them both from whatever state of half consciousness they were inhabiting. for m'gann this means rolling off the bed and waking in one motion. for lucy it's reaching for the remote, pausing the episode and looking across the room at m'gann.

this isn't a simulation any more. this is real. this is a real, flesh and blood category two kaiju named raythe. it's coming for okhosta, and so to okhosta m'gann and lucy will go. 

but before then, before red tornado is lifted out of the shatterdome, first there must be routine. there is the slipping into deep maroon coveralls, there is walking down the halls as crowds part for them. the shatterdome is humming with activity now - 

the call for red tornado to bay four was not just for the rangers. there are a host of people who's jobs have just begun, who have ten minutes maybe to prepare the jaeger and it's rangers for the upcoming battle. everyone moves with a purpose, m'gann and lucy - who have done this drill a hundred times, walk to bay four. they enter through sliding glass doors and immediately the room snaps to focus. 

there is equipment ready and waiting, there is armor and helmets and within three minutes the pair are stepping into their jaeger. 

they have a moment of silence, a moment to the pair of them, but then their liaison with loccan, otto, is loud and clear in their ears 

_"how are we feeling ?"_ he asks 

what they don't say, what will stay between them when they enter the shared conciousness in the drift, is that they're both scared. this is actual life or death on the line and stepping out into that is done willingly, but it's scary. 

neither of them say that of course, they both get to the point, this is not a time for jokes. this is a time for focus and getting out there, getting the kaiju. 

and getting out helps, getting deposited into the water, dropped from the helicopters and into the freedom of their own movements helps calm them both. yes there are eyes and ears on them, the world is probably already watching with hearts thrumming in their chests, 

but out here, against the darkness of a russian winters night, it's just red tornado, it's just lucy and m'gann in the drift. they've spent hours here, in the drift just for practice, for the sake of being in this space. 

not enough to ghost drift, but enough to be at home in each others memories. and now, as they stand and wait, bodies ready, minds ready, lucy is there when k-day rises and swells in m'ganns conscious. it's hard to ignore the rabit of them, the screams, the faint sounds of destruction, m'ganns entire life being smashed by an errant, alien paw. 

it's a memory lucy has seen, lucy knows. 

and she knows the power, the lure of the rabit, 

[m'gann has pulled her out more than once] 

and tonight it's her turn. 

the direct coms are just for them, a secure line from ranger to ranger, and lucy speaks now 

"maybe once we kill this, they'll actually bring us pizza." 

m'gann laughs, "no way luce, don't start that. you're going to get me all excited for pizza but all that's going to be left are those protein bars." 

"too bad we're both underage or else i'd demand a beer." lucy says 

"that's the thing," m'gann says "we're not underage. there is no legal drinking age is russia. you just have to be eighteen to buy the alcohol ourselves. so really, because we're in russia, we should be allowed to drink." 

"'but you are americas." lucy replies, in a terrible imitation of the head chef, who consistently denys their requests for just one beer. 

"you're twenty one soon and then you can smuggle me a beer." m'gann says 

"i'm not smuggling you anything." 

"lies." m'gann says, and any retort to that lucy may have had is swallowed by the beeping of their radar, of a voice in their ears - otto speaks russian, they're both fluent these days, 

_"one mile and counting, should surface any second."_

and surface the kaiju does. 

it rips through the waves, up and up and up until even the jaeger has to tilt it's head to get a good look at the beast. a monster unlike anything either of them have ever seen. the simulations have always spit out replicas of kaiju dead and gone, but this, 

this one is alive and well and, apparently, tail lashing. 

they manage to duck the first swing of a spiked tail and there's a curse that spills from m'ganns lips. they're assessing quickly and there are sharp voices in their ears giving them instruction, all kinds of suggestions, and for a moment lucy finds herself back in bootcamp. 

she's standing across from a skinny white girl with cropped black hair and glass with lenses as thick as maggie's finger. their instructor is cuing the fight, a test, and in that perspective, 

this is easy. 

it becomes less of a monster and just another enemy. 

the shift happens for m'gann as well, lucy feels it - all the tension drains and they move into a series of moves not of jaeger bushido, but of the mixed martial arts they both first learned. it was clinical, avoiding the tail like they've got a whip and skip around their ankle. 

it's almost fun they collectively think. 

the kaiju may be large, but it's slow, and predictable. m'gann calls out for the plasmacaster, and as it loads lucy decides they're done with this tail - it's clipped them once and there's as searing pain in lucy's calf that's really irritating more than anything. so she waits, they wait, they fire the plasmacaster and watch the eruption of blue energy tear into the flesh of the beast.

it lets out a roar, stumbles back, and the tail makes a graceful arc, lucy grabs it in a hand. 

and m'gann fires the plasmacaster. 

she doesn't miss. 

she has to this date, never missed. 

and they're left with a tail in one hand, a screaming, howling, tailless kaiju staggering ten or so feet away. 

but the game isn't over yet. 

the kaiju starts towards them, lumbering, then running and the shared consciousness sparks the same idea in them both - 

tackle it. 

is it the best move, probably not. but they get down, prepare themselves as the waves come rushing towards them, they wait, they wait, they say as one 

"now," and it isn't a shout, it's a breath. 

it's the only indication of the textbook tackle to come. there's an almighty shudder as metal meets monster, as the kaiju is sent flying onto it's back, the jaeger coming with it. 

plunging down atop it, they punch. again and again fist smashing into face. m'gann brings the plasmacaster one last time, fires, 

the blue erupts like a shockwave. 

the beast flails, it stiffens, 

it's still. 

headshot. 

clean (ish) kill. 

the jaeger stands, both rangers out of breath, both looking across at each other smiling. 

"so," m'gann says "what about getting some pizza?" 

_"we'll see what we can do."_ comes otto's voice from the loccan. 

the walk back to the shatterdome is long. the rangers ask for some silence, to process, to think and the loccan obliges. able to track the jaeger, it's an easy enough request to follow, rangers have asked for far stranger things post first kill. 

"did you see it's tail," lucy starts 

"yeah," m'gann says "it was growing back." 

"nifty." lucy replies. 

"hows your calf?" m'gann asks, it's a pain they're sharing, so she knows exactly how lucy's calf feels, how her calf feels, but right now they're decompressing. 

[they don't miss how cars driving along the highway stop as they walk past - a jaeger strolling, limping, in the ocean like it's normal] 

"bastard tore something." lucy says "but i'll be fine." 

m'gann hums her response, and they let the silence carry them for a while. 

"i thought," m'gann says "it would feel different."

"to kill one?" lucy asks 

"yeah." m'gann says "that it would feel like, vengeance or something. retribution." she keeps going "but it doesn't."

"do you wish it felt like that, that vengeance for your family?" 

"i don't know." m'gann replies "i'm not sure what i feel. we did a good thing, a great thing even. we kicked ass. but, i don't know, i think i was expecting it to feel like more than it did in the sims." 

"maybe it will." lucy says "once you've had some distance." 

and of course, she's right. 

for lucy the realization comes when she's carrying a twelve inch pizza back to their bunk and tech she's never seen before walks up to her 

"i just wanted to say thanks," he says in heavily accented english "my family, they live near okhosta. you save them." 

lucy just nods, surprised by the stinging of tears in her eyes "it's our job." she forces out and it feels like such a line, but the tech is beaming and he pats her arm, walking away and leaving lucy with pizza and too many emotions. 

for m'gann it happens later. 

three days later and she knows what they did is a good thing, she's watched the tape of their fight, taken notes, submitted her report. it should be over and done with, but for some reason there's a unsettled feeling in her gut. she can't explain it, and doesn't try to - when it comes to lucy there's no pressure to either. lucy just sits, and runs her hand through m'ganns hair and lets her pick what tv they watch. 

she still schools m'gann in rummy most of the time, but that can't be helped. 

they're halfway through looper when m'gann says quietly 

"i don't know if my parents would be proud of me." 

because that's what it's about she's realized. lucy's hand doesn't stop carding through m'ganns hair, but she's listening, the movie is paused. 

"they were, they didn't like the united states. they were here for me, for my sister, to give us a better life, but they never wanted to be here. they just didn't want to die in their own country. but then they died because of a monster anyway." her voice is shaking "i didn't even think about it when i joined the army, they were dead, what did it matter what they thought. but now," she takes a deep, shaky breath "you're making your parents so proud, despite the tension, despite everything, your dad - he's so proud of you. and i - i don't know if my parents, if- if- they would be proud of me." 

there are tears in m'ganns eyes and she wants to blink them back, but she can't. she wants answers she'll never get, she wants to have conversations with the dead, to talk to people ripped away from her. will they understand why she made the choices she has? enlisting? accepting the 'alternative mos?' putting her life on the line to kill the monsters that killed them? 

lucy's hand has moved from m'ganns hair to her shoulder, urging her closer, pulling her into a hug "hey," she's saying quietly "anyone would be proud of you." 

and maybe that's the heart of it, 

m'gann doesn't have anyone to be proud of her. 

she doens't have a parent to call and tell that she's still alive. 

it's just her. it makes her cry harder into lucy's shoulder. 

"for the record," lucy says "I'm proud of you." 

m'gann carries that memory with her, the way lucy says it, the way it means more than just someone errantly saying they're proud of her. it's lucy, the person who knows m'gann best, who trusts m'gann with her mind, saying it. 

and suddenly crying into lucy's shoulder isn't embarrassing, it's okay. it's a period of grieving she never got to have. 

not really. 

\-- 

**shatterdome - vladivostok, russia**  
**december - 2019**

they're in a simulation when it happens. 

so it's another ten minutes before they step out, red faced and sweating, to a room that's not really paying attention to them. instead, all eyes are focused on the tv screen, a tiny little thing in the corner, but it's showing a jaeger, 

dark storm. 

m'gann and lucy would recognize it anywhere. 

the scrolling caption at the bottom say's it's just off the coast of los angeles, that the russian jaeger cherno alpha has gone down and dark storm has stepped in. 

otto steps next to them " i've got a friend in the anchorage loccan," he whispers "says dark storm is being piloted solo." 

solo? 

m'gann and lucy share a look. 

the second pilot of dark storm has been a secret to everyone, both within the p.p.d.c. and the rest of the world 

"who?" lucy asks 

"apparently it's danvers that's down," otto says "it's the other pilot carrying the whole thing, just killed a kaiju on their own." 

all attention is back to the t.v., to the tiny image of dark storm standing over a bleeding kaiju, turning it's back on the beast and walking to the remains of cherno alpha. no one in the room is breathing. 

it's hard to tell what happens next on the grainy image, but there's a zooming in from the camera and then two soaking wet, bleeding russians are seen, clambering out of their jaeger, helped by dark storm. 

the room erupts in cheers, 

at least they're alive. 

at least theres that. 

but there are rumors flying soon after, a solo pilot? who? how? it doesn't seem possible, wasn't possible for so many humans? who is this anomaly? 

but the more that time drags on, the less answers anyone gets. otto is called away on a secret project, 

and for a while the talk of the world is the solo jaeger pilot. 

but then february comes. 

and with it, the second destruction of tokyo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> massive, massive thank you to everyone who commented, liked and bookmarked the first chapter. the response was incredible and overwhelming. to all who commented, i think i've gotten back to all of you, if not it will happen soon! 
> 
> another note, third person isn't my strongest perspective, but for a story like this it was impossible to get into the meat of it without healthy and substantial backstories, so bear with me.
> 
> [this is also un-beta'd so all grammar, spelling and punctuation errors are my own]


	3. then - oneC - maggie sawyer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she wants to hear reyna walking around the kitchen at four am, preparing coffee. she wants to feel the cool morning air shaking the sleep from her eyes. she wants to look out the kitchen window and see the fields stretching on towards the horizon. she wants to go home.

**the sawyer home, gotham city**   
**february 2012**

the words are harsh and they sting like the slap to maggie's face did "get out." her father bites "get out." 

maggie looks to her mother. her mother is looking away, hands clutching the valentines day card not meant for their eyes. meant for eliza. meant for no one at all now. maggie's mothers eyes are bright, but she is ever silent. maggie would plead, would beg if she wasn't tasting metal in her mouth, the blood spilling down her chin from the force of the slap. 

her cheek burns. 

"out my house." her father says, a viper spitting it's venom. 

maggie watches, frozen for a moment more until her father moves to hit her again. but this time, this time she runs, without so much as a bag, without so much as anything at all. 

she doesn't know it will be the last time she sees her father, but she suspects. 

**home - blue springs, nebraska**   
**k-day**

maggie realizes two things sitting at the kitchen table, surrounded by the results of reyna's stress. 

first, she never wants to live near the ocean. 

two, her father is dead. 

they're connected, of course, and never before had maggie thought she would appreciate living in the hell hole that is nebraska. but right now, as a muted television shows a monster, an alien, ripping apart san francisco with every step it takes, suddenly corn country isn't so bad. 

[or, it's still bad, but elsewhere is really terrible] 

[elsewhere like where her dad is, or was] 

[maggie admittedly doesn't know how to feel about the man who kicked her out - the man who turned his back on her - being dead] 

her aunt, reyna, is cooking determinedly. cooking because reyna does two things when she's stressed - work on her bike, or cook. and tonight is not the night for bike repairs. instead, after looking into hiring extra help for her farm, cooking is the only thing she has left. it's that or sit in front of the television with maggie. maggie who can't seem to take her eyes off of it. 

and right now reyna doesn't have time for that. no, there's something about working, something about keeping active that stops her mind from coming to the understanding that her brother, 

[although he's brother by name only, she burned that blood almost a year ago]

is probably dead. 

and god knows how she's going to explain that to maggie. not that she has to, not really. 

maggie has already lost her father. 

she was fourteen, showed up in blue springs straight off the overnight bus from gotham. walked the full length of reyna's dirt road. all the way from town to the farm reyna bought four years prior. 

when maggie knocked on the door, she was crying. she was carrying nothing but a bruised cheek and a split lip. 

to this day reyna has never felt such anger as when maggie explained the bruising. perhaps that was also the day that reyna lost her brother. no, there is no perhaps. she remembers when she called her brother, when she unleashed a fury that would have made their mother proud. 

['she's a disgrace' he'd said. reyna had looked to the girl with angry eyes and a bruised lip and seen no such thing. she hasn't spoken to her brother since that night, when maggie came seeking, and oh how she saw, how she heard, that she had someone left in the world on her side] 

it explains why this death is less of a shock. 

but still, she cooks. it's habit. 

she makes it through a soup before she turns to the t.v. 

helicopters are showing the smoldering remains of a city maggie's father was visiting for work, 

the voice of her brother breaks out, and reyna looks around, like he might come walking through the front door covered in dust and debris 

[that will be maggie in seven years - not exactly walking though] 

_hi, you've reached ramone, please leave your name, number and a brief message at the beep_

"i had to try." maggie says quietly, and it sounds like an apology. 

that's what breaks reyna. the look on her niece's face, the broken dream that maybe her dad will come around. that maybe they can fix the broken pieces between them. 

reyna can't hold it back any more. 

and that's what drags tears from maggie's eyes as she stands, crossing the small, cramped kitchen. she clutches at reyna, and reyna responds in kind pulling her close - both crying, both gripping at each other. 

somehow they both know he's gone, truly gone. and standing in that kitchen, wrapped in each others arms they decide they'll be okay. same as they had decided a year ago. 

eventually they pull apart, tears not yet dry on their cheeks. and sure it may be nearly midnight, but reyna pulls out the ingredients for a tirimasu, maggie digging out bowls and measuring cups and whisks. 

they will be okay. 

\-- 

**jaeger training academy - kodiak island, alaska**   
**september - 2016**

she's here because reyna had said 

"do something you're passionate about" 

and 

"if that's the police, then okay, just know i'll worry." 

[for her aunt, it's farming. the open air, the animals. muddy boots by the door and dirt under her fingernails. maggie had never appreciated the farm in the visits she took there. she only appreciated it when she lived there. when it was the only place she could ever call home.] 

in terms of the rest of her life, it turns out, right now, it's not the police. 

or not yet anyway. maggie thinks it might be the police one day, but for now she's standing with a group of kids - yeah they're kids because she's eighteen and they all look like they turned seventeen yesterday or something. plus, they've all got a buddy. apparently, maggie thinks, she missed the memo where it was bring a buddy to jaeger ranger school. 

or, she saw the memo, but didn't have any friends in high school really so why bother asking. 

[there was claire, who's in chicago, away from the coast, studying something her parents will absolutely approve of and won't give that small 'oh no that won't do' frown they gave maggie] 

so she's standing here, following where she's told, pay attention, sizing everyone up and for the first time in her life not feeling like she sticks out in a room. rather, she does, she's alone and that unusual from all accounts, but she's here to be a ranger. not make friends. 

she's standing, following the group towards her first meal of the day when a man rounds the corner. someone in the group whispers his name, j'onn j'onzz, and they part before him like the red sea. maggie knows who j'onn j'onzz is, everyone knows who he is. 

the director of the jaeger academy, duh. 

but that's not the most memorable part of this encounter. no, a girl comes skidding around the corner next. it's like she doesn't notice any of the people between her and the hallway j'onzz has disappeared down. maggie just catches the concern etched into her face. it's clear as day, sort of captivating, but the moment drags on - this prolonged eye contact that maggie can't explain away. then the girl is gone, just disappears into the crowd and maggie has to stand on her tip toes to follow her any further. 

she rounds a corner, disappears. 

later, after depositing a duffle bag filled with boots and a uniform and who knows what else, into a bunk, they're in line for dinner. and once again, this girl appears. she looks, if possible, more emotionally fragile - anger and worry burned into one smear behind her eyes. maggie takes an elbow to the stomach for her curiosity, the girl not even stopping to apologize.

following the girl, all maggie sees is the stranger stop short of someone, an actual kid, and then they're hugging and maggie feels like she's intruding, so she looks away. 

she looks to dinner, which is grim pickings indeed. but it's her first meal in twelve hours, so she won't complain. she takes her grilled meat with mushy vegetables and a serving of protein pudding 

[whatever that means - the thing itself is this brown block of goop] 

she sits, none of the people around her talk. they're too busy wolfing down dinners and staring. 

somewhere in the chaos maggie realizes the girl and the kid have disappeared. 

she doesn't have time to be curious, but she files it away for later. perhaps for after she's officially a jaeger pilot. 

\-- 

**jaeger training academy - kodiak island, alaska**   
**january - 2017**

it's maggie's birthday. 

she's officially nineteen and she gets a card from reyna during mail call, and as far as she's aware, nothing else. which is just fine by her, the card was heartfelt and has photos of the farm and reyna's new bike. they're better than any gift really. 

but it's after lunch, and mail call, that maggie finds herself called to the combat room. she swears she's spent more of her life in this room than anywhere else on kodiak island, and it's a good thing too, she likes it, likes the room and the fighting, and kicking ass. 

she also gets her ass kicked, but it means there's always room for improvement. 

today, she stills in the doorway, watching who she's come to learn is alex, and her still unnamed kid companion. they're shadows around the facility, rumors, not really part of any jaeger class, but also in a whole bunch of them. 

so far maggie hasn't had a chance to speak to alex - not that she has a reason to, but maggie has watched the girl fight, she's good. 

maggie wants to be that good. 

part of her wonders what it would be like if they fought against each other. 

but she knows that's never going to happen. 

"sawyer," the instruct barks "you're testing for drift compatibility today. get changed." 

happy birthday to her. 

maggie takes one last look of alex being flipped onto her back by the kid, wonders how someone so tiny can do that, then heads to the locker room. 

changing means changing into long, loose fitting black pants and a loose white t-shirt. by the time maggie walks back out, there's a line of people, candidates she realizes, waiting against a wall. she's handed a staff, wooden and smooth, and directed to stand on the mat. 

the point is to win maggie knows, score points, do well. but now, it's also about finding someone who she can match, and who can match her. someone she has chemistry with. 

looking at the line of people waiting, maggie can't pick any of them as particularly special. 

"kamisky, step forward, you're up." 

kamisky is a guy, seventeen, a good fighter. he's in maggie's class and they spent long hours trying to memories the digestive system of the kaiju together. that does not mean they're drift compatible, and they're not. 

maggie wins four points to none. 

kamisky gives her a handshake, a smile and says he knew it would never work out. 

maggie relaxes, she likes him. 

next is wills, benedict and spingola. two guys and her first girl. she wins four - nil, four - nil, four - two. 

fifth on the mat is a girl as well. maggie knows her name is rogers, first name could be gabe, but she wouldn't put money on it. she's tall, blond, blue eyes, they've spoken maybe five words to each other 

_'they have ketchup here?'_

_'nope'_

not out of malice, they're in different jaeger classes, they're on different time tables. simple as that. 

what is not so simple is the fight. 

it's not like some set ups, where it's point for point traded. no, this is maggie landing flat on her ass four time in a row with a wooden pole jutting uncomfortable into her neck. 

it's going for round two and faring better. 

three and this time she wins four - nil. 

by the time they finish, she's looking at gabe and gabe is looking at her. they're both sweating through their shirts, drenched and thirsty and maggie's fairly sure that if they aren't drift compatible, she might as well walk away right now. 

"with me," their instructor says, and there's barely time for putting on shoes, or putting away tools before they're following down the hall at double time "through here." 

a windowless room. 

two chairs, no table. 

maggie has heard about this part, lock suspected pairs in a room, see what happens. or not, there's not supposed to be any cameras in this room. which has sprung interesting rumors of a different kind. 

the door locks behind them, 

maggie collapses into a chair. 

gabe sits. 

they look at each other for long moments, gauging now that there's not a fight between them. 

"so," maggie says "you're a good fighter." what a way to open, she thinks, not that they have much else in terms of opening context. 

gabe smiles "and you're a quicker learner." 

maggie doesn't quite smile, but she softens, "you think we're compatible and all that?" 

gabe shrugs "dunno, but i haven't fought like that in a long time." 

"so you fought before?" 

gabe nods, shrugs "kind of. didn't do to well in school." 

maggie has to laugh, gabe looks like the type of person who would have thrived in blue springs. white, probably straight, probably from decently wealthy parents. it's a lot to assume, but maggie has seen this before. 

gabe frowns "that's funny?" 

"hard to picture you 'not doing well in school'." 

"you know nothing about me." 

which is fair "so tell me." maggie challenges. 

"youngest of six." gabe says "absent mom, overworked dad. grew up in chicago, the south side, a place called beverly. he thinks this whole jaeger ranger thing is a desperate cry out for attention. but that's what he thought of college as well. couldn't understand why i didn't just go into the family business." 

"what's the family business?" maggie asks 

"restaurant. not quite my style." gabe takes a long look at maggie "plus, the program said they'd pay my student debts if i made it to ranger." 

so they asked her to come. that makes it sound like they recruited her, like they wanted her here for a reason 

"what'd you study in college?" 

gabe smirks "you first, tell me about you." 

"uh," maggie starts "never been to college, from fuckville, nebraska." 

"fuckville? never heard of it." 

maggie shrugs "you haven't missed much." she says "not much there." 

"must be something there, you hate it enough to give it a new name." gabe comments. 

"let's just say, i didn't do to well in school." maggie says with a slight smirk. 

"so we have that in common." gabe says "how old are you?" 

"eighteen. you?" 

"twenty one." 

"what'd you study in college?" maggie brings that back because she's sure as hell curious. 

"applied physics and molecular biology double major." 

maggie blinks twice "jesus, that's a lot of science." 

gabe laughs "yes, as you so say, it is a lot of science." 

after that it's easy - and after that, in the long run, maggie stops making judgements so quickly. not everyone is from nebraska, but then again, not everyone is gabe either. with gabe it's easy to talk, it's easy to share and that's just the personal stuff. there's the business side of it, the jaeger side of it, where they just click. 

more often than not, gabe's happy to direct from the backseat, it's not that maggie is the leader or anything, but maggie a quick learner, and a faster actor. gabe sees more than she do, likes to analyze and asses - which turns into spitting out the facts and turning them tangible ways to something. 

somethings like stepping into the sim for the first time and getting mauled by a kaiju. something like stumbling out, still in such physical pain demanding, even before maggie can, to do it again. 

they do it again. 

they learn. 

they win. 

\-- 

**the ocean - between panama and the coast of guatemala**   
**may - 2018**

"there's a kaiju," gabe is muttering "that's what they said. we get all kitted out and now, what? 'sorry, we lost it?'" 

"relax," maggie says, she's used to this by now, the flurry of impatience, "maybe it took a left turn and headed for LA, last i heard dark storm was still getting repairs up there. just soak up the scenery." 

"we've been soaking up the scenery for six months." gabe comments dryly 

"never pegged you for impatient gabe," maggie says, which is, mostly a terrible lie because gabe is many things, and yes, impatient is definitely one of them. 

maggie can feel gabe's pent up energy, nervous energy. there are memories drifting there, the rabit just waiting to take them - the memories are gabes. maggie learned somewhere along the line that she brings nothing into the drift. it's a strange sensation, knowing that she should be bringing something forward, emotions, memories, by for her they're separate from this part of her life. 

sure, she facetimes with reyna every week and at night she lays awake and wonders if her father thought about her before he died. but that doesn't belong _here_ , this is work. this is a space for other things, not memories of the past, of what she can' change. 

gabe is a different story. her whole life swims to the surface everytime they drift. the strained relationship with her father, the older siblings that raised her, that worry about her. the truth behind not doing well in school and the lengths gabe went to in college just to succeed. mostly to prove a point. 

she's nearly a genius, sure, and the time spent in the panama city shatterdome hasn't been wasted, but it's strange to see so much and for maggie to know that she isn't giving that in return. 

but maybe it works better this way. 

the two of them. 

_"kaiju back on radar."_ comes the voice of their loccan liaison, susan vasquez

the jaeger stills, peering out across the waves lapping lazily at it's shin, looking to the horizon for a ripple, a tremor, anything. vasquez's voice comes back through _"category two, codenamed blitz, coming straight for you, hold position, prepare to engage._

prepare to engage indeed. 

their feet slide into a fighting stance, "ready to kick some ass?" gabe asks 

"you did not just say that." maggie replies. 

but they're ready. they're more than ready, and in the moments to follow, as they wait for the first sighting of the kaiju, their breathing stills, their minds slow, and for the first time, maggie thinks that this is truly drifting. it's not struggling to keep gabe from entering the rabit, it's just existing, waiting, focusing. 

she loves it. 

loves the way when the kaiju does breech, huge and terrifying with the head of a lizard maggie remembers from some textbook of gabes - they act as one. 

it's an uppercut they come through with first. blitz is unstable, wavering, and they advance, the uppercut is the first thing that sends it reeling. that makes it stumble backwards on unsteady legs. 

what they aren't expecting is the tongue to whip out and wrap around the left arm of their jaeger. so for every step it stumbles backwards, maggie and gabe are yanked forward. it's not just the wrenching in maggie's shoulder that's painful, it's the barbs within the tongue that are sinking themselves into the metal of her arm. 

and god, is that acid? 

maggie has no idea. 

"fuck this shit." she says through gritted teeth "just fucking punch it again." she says "or the incinerator turbines, anything - just punch it." 

"trying." gabe says. 

"wind and go." maggie bites, "you're the fighter." 

"oh don't say that." gabe snaps. 

it devolves from there really. they kill the kaiju with a blast through its beating heart. but get back to base and nearly punching each other out in bay four. 

that's the last time maggie sees gabe. 

she's shipped off to tokyo three days later. 

\-- 

**miracle mile - tokyo, japan**   
**february 29 - 2020**

maggie's new co-pilot is quiet. he's a good kid, young, a blank slate from a decent family. they talk about farming, they talk about the flatness and the open road and gravel crunching under their boots. maggie doesn't think about gabe. not really. 

they didn't end well. a fist fight in a jaeger bay and being ripped apart by j'onn j'onzz himself. it wasn't pretty, spitting at each other, glaring, gabe shouting how maggie is heartless and sociopathic and shouldn't be in a jaeger with anyone. 

the words hurt, maggie thinks she's still hurting, somewhere. but she was sent so far from panama city, the other side of the rim. where she let her lip heal, let her shoulder heal, and started training again. and this time, it wasn't someone who kicked her ass. 

she met joshua in the sim. stepped into it and saw him standing there across from her, he'd held out his hand 

"i'm joshua." he'd said "nice to meet you." 

"maggie." maggie had replied "likewise." 

and it was that simple. 

they worked well together, it wasn't some budding romance 

[ha] 

or a deep friendship. 

it was mutual respect, it was working well together to kill the kaiju and understand that was the beginning and the end of it. he's got a kid back home, seventeen years old with a kid of his own, and a girl. 

it blows maggie's mind a little bit. 

one night she asked what he was doing out here, fighting in a jaeger, instead of at home, with his kid. it was the only time his voice wavered, he said they were in LA, on the beach when dark star came out of nowhere and killed the kaiju. but it was too little too late. 

maggie hadn't known what to say to that. 

so she'd said nothing. 

that was a lot to go through at a young age. so he'd come to the jaegers, to forget, to move away, move on. 

he was really good at it. 

and now, 

now he's dead. 

maggie is looking across the jaeger at the blood rushing from joshua's nose, his ears. 

jesus christ. 

maggie's head is spinning, she can't focus on anything in particular. there's pain anywhere, everywhere, god how's she supposed to keep going? 

what she registers, what she manages to focus on is the scene in front of her. water, water everywhere. to her back there's tokyo, the smoldering remains of two jaegers. their rangers dead. so is joshua. 

god. 

and the kaiju, the fucking kaiju is still alive. still staggering. she can see it in front of her, arm gone, tail gone - growing back - and maggie can hear voices in her ear. 

vasquez. 

vasquez. 

she focuses on vasquezes voice. 

_"sawayer, come in damnit, come in."_

maggie drags words up across her lips "yeah," she says "yeah, yeah i'm here." 

_"what's your status?"_

"shit," maggie says, spitting blood from her mouth "joshua's dead. jackknife is gone. alpha bravo too." her voice is dust across a dry dirt road. 

_"you've got to kill this kaiju. you're the only thing between that kaiju and the city."_

"tell me something i don't know." maggie groans "i don't know if i can do it." 

_"you've got no choice sawyer. you've got to. just keep walking, use the sword."_

maggie swallows hard "talk me through it." she says, her voice giving way. 

_"okay,"_ vasquez says and her voice is steely, her voice is calm and steady. she is the calm in this goddamn nightmare and maggie clings to it. 

_"walking. you can walk. just one foot in front of the other. the kaiju's tail is growing back, but it won't be barbed for another few minutes. it can't stand. you can do this."_

maggie listens to those words and she listens, she lifts her legs, she walks - it's like slogging through quicksand, it's burning through her muscles, they're on fire - she's fairly sure the jaeger doesn't have anything left below, but she won't look. 

she reaches with an arm, reaching back, reaching over her shoulder and feels the hilt of their - her - sword. she has to stop walking to pull it out, and the effort, the shearing on her shoulder brings spots across her vision, leaves her gasping for breath. 

"vasquez," she says, tears burning her eyes "vasquez it's a fucking mile away." 

_"then you'll walk a mile sawyer. keep going, one foot after another, just. keep. waking."_

maggie does. 

slowly. 

one step. 

anther step. 

it's more of a limp, right foot step, left foot drag. the sword becomes a cane, the tip pressing into the ocean bed. 

walk. 

cane. 

limp. 

she can not do this. 

it's the first time the thought has crossed her mind. not once in the wake of her father evicting her. not once since his death. not once through jaeger training, or getting shipped to tokyo. she's never thought the words 

_'i can't do this'_

here they are. 

and once she's thought this, all maggie knows is that she wants to be at home. 

she wants to hear reyna walking around the kitchen at four am, preparing coffee. she wants to feel the cool morning air shaking the sleep from her eyes. she wants to look out the kitchen window and see the fields stretching on towards the horizon. she wants to go home. 

"vasquez," she says, a sob ripping through her chest "vasquez i want to go home." 

_"you're almost there."_ vasquez says and it's the first time maggie looks towards the kaiju. she looks up and kaiju is almost in front of her. 

her heartrate is through the roof. 

her body is failing her. 

but now she's standing over the kaiju's body. it's looking up at her, hissing. it's a sound maggie will remember through her nightmares, through all her waking hours. 

she lifts the sword and it takes a small eternity. 

it isn't so much of a plunging of the sword through and more of a collapse, a collapse and the sword slices through the heart and it's over. 

it's over. 

_"just hang tight."_ vasquez says quietly

maggie lets out a groan "get me home vasquez." 

_"i will,_ vasquez promises. 

maggie hangs tight. 

maggie stands because she can't do anything else. she's barely breathing. 

barely doing anything. 

slumped over in her jaeger. 

with the dead body of a teenager next to her. 

god. 

the last thing maggie sawyer remembers is the beating of helicopters in the distance, and vasquez's voice in her ear 

_"we'll get you home."_

\-- 

**the only road in town - blue springs, nebraska**   
**april - 2022**

maggie sawyer is driving home from work. she's got her sidearm and badge resting on the seat next to her. it's been a long day. a long week. her shoulder aches. 

she rounds a corner, turning onto the dirt road and a black suv appears in her rearview mirror. 

maggie sighs. 

tinted windshield or not, she knows a government car when it pulls up behind her. 

but maggie ignores it. 

maybe they're lost, she figures. 

maybe not. 

she keeps driving. 

the road is long, she carries on, tries to think about what she's going to do when she gets home. shower, dinner, go out for a walk. her body needs it, today was a day of sitting. 

in the station. 

in the patrol car. 

at her desk.

sit. sit. sit. 

when the roof of the place she calls home comes into view, maggie pulls over. she grabs her badge, her gun, slips them on just because. she climbs out of the car, walks towards the driver. 

the driver climbs out to meet her. 

and the last thing she expects is to see j'onn j'onzz standing there across from her. arms crossed, blank expression on his face, or, rather he looks utterly unsurprised. 

"i'm not interested." maggie says, mirroring j'onns stance. 

"you don't-" he starts, and maggie just assumes the rest of that sentence is some variation of _know what i'm talking about_ , so she stops him right there. 

"y'all don't come here just to see the sights." she gestures to the fields around her. 

"we need you." j'onn says and maggie laughs, maggie lets the harsh laugh escape her lips.

"no you don't." 

"our current methods aren't working," j'onn says "they're failing. and the kaiju aren't going away." 

"neither are my nightmares." maggie bites. 

and when she thinks about it, she knows that j'onn is reaching with the 'failure' label he's given the jaeger program. 

three years ago the debut of their latest solo jaeger - a modern marvel called zor el - and it's doing quite well apparently. a solo kill in seoul two years ago, and then just this year, the first category five the world had ever seen was slain in los angeles. maggie remembers seeing the jaeger standing over the body, remembers the people calling to know the name of the pilot. 

but the p.p.d.c was giving nothing away. 

and besides that, an army affiliated jaeger called red tornado took out a category four in a hawaii. 

no, maggie wouldn't consider the current status of the jaeger program failure. but she only knows what the media has told the world. who knows only so much. 

there's a world of politics she left immediately after tokyo. 

[but she's noticed the lack of new jaegers coming out, and the increasing number of old jaegers disappearing]

j'onn lets out a long sigh "there's nothing i can do to persuade you?" 

maggie lets out a long sigh. part of her knows she should be running, get back in the car, walk away. her shoulder hurts, her back hurts, she wants a shower, she shouldn't want anything to do with the goddamn p.p.d.c. 

and yet 

"i'm not getting into a jaeger with a rookie." she says "not some kid. i've been there before." 

and maggie still remembers joshusa's dead eyes. the blood. 

"she's no rookie." j'onn says, which means he has someone in mind. 

maggie shouldn't ask, but this talk, it conjures up memories from times past. a life that wasn't being a small town cop. she really _shouldn't_ ask

but, 

"who?" 

"alex danvers." j'onn says. 

and the memories come back in a flood. eighteen and being elbowed in the gut. the fighter and the kid. a girl who even then, knew how to fight. but not like gabe, who was flashy and aggressive and looking for approval at every step - despite what she said. 

no, alex danvers was a shadow of the jaeger world. a dead good pilot, loyal to a fault, there was only one problem 

"rumor is she doesn't pilot anymore." 

"you two have that in common." 

maggie shouldn't. 

god, she shouldn't. 

but the world of jaegers has never really left her alone. not since she was taken to a hospital and woke up a week later in her childhood bedroom. even then, when she was cursing tokyo and jaegers and the kaiju. when she would scream herself hoarse and couldn't sleep for more than a couple hours a time. 

even then, 

even fucking then, 

she was still curious. 

she was still feeling like a part of her was missing. 

"you," she says, stabbing a finger at j'onn "can explain to my family." 

j'onn smiles "your aunt is a lovely women." 

maggie narrows her eyes, it's funny to hear reyna called her aunt. she is, of course, but also, she's not. only fifteen years older, still so young when maggie showed up at her door. 

"did you go to my house already?" maggie asks 

j'onn shrugs "you weren't supposed to work today." he takes another breath "i'll follow you home." 

"sure thing." 

maggie doesn't like the smile reyna gives j'onn. she doesn't like that it's genuine because perhaps, somewhere, some part of her is hoping that her aunt would say no. would ask her not to do this, not again. 

but instead, they're sitting around the kitchen table, reyna has made some excuse - the chickens need feeding or something - and it's just them. 

maggie looks over at j'onn, who's got a glass of water in his hand. she watches the perspiration roll down to crest against his knuckle "why do you need me back?" she asks 

"there is talk of shutting down the jaeger program." j'onn says "the world want to build walls instead." 

maggie scoffs, tries to think of a wall that could keep out the kaiju and fails.

"i'm running out of time, out of money and all i've got left is a plan." 

maggie bites. 

"what's the plan?" 

"assault the breach." he says "but i need three jaegers to do that, and right now I've only got two." 

"even with me you may only have two." maggie says "if i were to come. who do you have?" 

"zor el," he says "and red tornado. they're the only ones equipped and ready enough to make this happen by the end of the year."

"end of the year?" maggie asks 

j'onn nods "we're still waiting on some," he hesitates "some missing components." 

ambiguous, something maggie makes note of to ask about later "and danvers, what makes you think she'll go for it? rumor was she's happy working in the loccan for zor - el." 

j'onn shrugs "with the right compatibility, i think she can be pursued." 

"and zor - el is out of the question?' 

"we need them solo." j'onn confirms. 

maggie lets out a long breath "and if i don't go?" 

"then i think alex danvers doesn't pilot a jaeger again, and we run the plan with two." 

"can i think about it?" maggie asks "overnight?" 

j'onn nods "of course. i understand that it isn't an easy decision to make, and it's not one to be made lightly. i'll be at the diner, leaving at eight thirty, if you want to come, be there." 

maggie leans against her chair, nodding "thanks for coming out, i guess." 

"thanks for hearing me out," j'onn pauses, adds with a smile "i guess." 

[and maybe then maggie knows she'll be going] 

after j'onn excuses himself - the sun has set, maggie still hasn't showered, and reyna is looking across the table at her 

" _mija_ " reyan starts, and maggie chest aches because she still remembers the first time her aunt used those words. 

not just maggie's name, like she used to. 

[maggie was seventeen, a senior. stumbled home with a black eye, a cut lip and a smile. 'mija,' reyna had said then 'i thought the point of having a glove was so you could catch the ball with it.' 

maggie hadn't said anything to that for a beat, then she replied 'still got the out though.'] 

i won't tell you not to go." reyna says, fixing her with a certain tone laced in her voice "but i will ask you if you want to." 

maggie is sitting across from her only family in the world, she's twenty-five years old and living out of her aunts home. she can't go a night without nightmares, working the farm, working the dead ass streets of blue springs as a cop. and reyna, instead of saying 

_'do not go back into the job that nearly killed you'_

is asking if maggie wants to go back to said job. 

and maggie has no idea what she should say. 

no? yes? 

probably. 

she takes a deep breath "i could die." maggie says "i don't even know if i can drift again. i don't know if my body can - could - handle being back in a jaeger." 

"but you want to try." reyna says with far too much understanding. 

maggie lets out a long breath, looking down at the kitchen table, picking at a piece of dried sauce with a short, clipped nail "yeah," she says "i do. there could be a chance whatever he wants to ends this. and i want to be a part of that." 

reyna sends her to the diner with a dufflebag packed with clothes, with lunch, with her laptop and chargers and the old nokia phone that made it this long so why not take it back. maggie walks in and sees j'onn eating a stack of pancakes. 

there are two cups of coffee on the table

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! welcome to the end of chapter three folks. this concludes what is more or less the prologue to the actual story. 
> 
> of the parts in 'then' this was probably my favourite one to write. it was given some tweaking after some canon information came to light about maggie's parents, etc. but this is a chapter i'm quite proud of. 
> 
> please, if you could, take a moment to hit comment, bookmark, kudo - or any combination therein of the three. 
> 
> you should, given nothing drastic, be getting another update this week. sooner rather than later if i had to hedge my bets. i have the rest of the story outlined, and we have a lovely long way to go before the end. 
> 
> come have a shout with me on tumblr about this au at [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)


	4. now - one - we're not wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you nod, sigh quietly "i know, but someone has to tell j'onn the end of the world is coming in less than three months." 
> 
> kara swallows "i really, really hope we're wrong." she says again, her voice soft, her voice shaking slightly.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**  
**april - 2022**

your hand hurts. 

your eyes ache. 

there are smudge marks on the lenses of your glasses where you've pushed them time and time again up the bridge of your nose. not to mention you're in the twilight zone between running out of caffeine and having had way, way too much. you're no longer sure if six cups in the past six hours is considered a lot. your body doesn't seem to know either. 

all you're aware of is that it's four in the morning, you've been awake for nearly a full twenty hours but god, 

you don't even notice. 

you're hardly even registering the complaints your body has. not even hearing the tv on in the background, a replay of the ten o'clock news with lois lane stepping across the screen. it doesn't matter, not when you're this far in the zone. not when kara is a whiteboard over, reading aloud her calculations and using the sleeve of her shirt to wipe incorrect expo marker letters from her equations. you can hear her muttering, sometimes in english, sometimes in kryptonese. sometimes the two slurring together and that's what betrays to you that kara is also nearing exhaustion. 

not that it matters, not when you're on the tail end of the biggest project you've been working on for weeks now. it's really more like years, but there just hasn't been enough data points to work with until, well,

there aren't even enough data points to work with now, but you don't care. you've got one of the best minds in the world working along side of you, double checking every equation, scribbling down a reference for every theory and mathematical law you use to prove this practical piece of science correct. 

the benefits of having a genius for a sister shows on nights like tonight. nights where it's just the two of you and the lab door is locked and it doesn't matter that she's sometimes speaking an alien language -

or that you speak it back.

[it's one of the side effects of the drift, of spending so much time there with kara, inside her head, inside her memories. the ghost drift, this way you that first spoke the language by accident. and then, after you'd seen how wide kara's eyes had gotten and the way she'd correct your pronunciation with barely suppressed glee, you'd worked harder. you'd asked her to help you. she taught you her language.] 

no one is here to notice. no one is here to care. 

it doesn't matter and that means that the pair of you can focus on the math, on the results coming to life before you across the pages. the way you can see the end of humanity being spelled out in numbers across a whiteboard. 

by five am your hand has cramped. your eyes burn they're so dry and you have to, have to step back. 

you do, you sit, fumbling numb fingertips across the counter and reaching for your waterbottle. you drain it in two gulps and you watch as kara moves across the wall of numbers and equal signs and formulas. she has a notebook in one hand, the best calculator in her head and a pen in the other hand. you know she's referencing as much as she can, compiling it as evidence in the accuracy of what you're about to tell the world. about to share. 

on the table next to you, amidst coffee cups and water bottles and the remains of kara's hot pockets, are textbooks. thick, leather bound books with gold flake lettering on the spine sit next to average high school algebra textbooks. you aren't sure where they came from, but kara and winn had produced them all this morning. 

nearly a day ago now. 

"there." kara breathes, stepping back, dropping her hands and looking back at you over her shoulder "i think it's done." she says "i think we," she tilts her head, circles some results with a red marker "i hope we're wrong." 

you look to kara's hand, see she's got a sharpie there. the same red sharpie she just used on the whiteboard. it would be funny, if the results before you weren't so damning. 

"me too." you sigh, coming to stand next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. 

"but we're not." kara says "you know we're not. we," she shakes her head against your shoulder "i've checked everything twice, we're not wrong about this." she brandishes the notebook in her left hand "i can prove it." 

"i know." you say, squeezing her shoulder "i know." 

"so what do we do?" kara asks you quietly, her voice tight, her body tired against yours.

you take a deep breath "we go to j'onn." you say quietly "tell him what we know, show him how we know it." 

kara nods, but she doesn't move. she can't, not yet. her body is too exhausted "my brain feels like jello." she says "i think the numbers are moving." 

you smile, pull her closer and press a kiss to her forehead "you can go to bed." you tell her "i can get another cup of coffee and tell j'onn about this." 

you know he'll be awake. 

you know the man barely ever sleeps. 

you know all it will take is a knock on his office door and he'll come out, he'll listen to anything you have to say. and this, well this especially will have his attention.

"what if he doesn't believe us?" kara asks "i need to show him the proof." she gestures again with her notebook. 

you reach behind her, down, snag the notebook "he won't." you say firmly "he won't. but, if he does, i'll lock him in here with all your textbooks." 

kara nods, and for a moment seems convinced, but then she says "we need to copy all this down. take photos, record it." you can feel her getting all wound up 

"i'll take photos on my phone before i go up to j'onn." you say, putting the notebook on the high top lab table behind you and letting both of your hands rests on kara's shoulders "you need sleep." 

"so do you." kara retorts. 

you nod, sigh quietly "i know, but someone has to tell j'onn the end of the world is coming in less than three months." 

kara swallows "i really, really hope we're wrong." she says again, her voice soft, her voice shaking slightly. 

you know what she's thinking - you don't have to ghost drift to know it either. her planet, the one she lost, the one she couldn't save. and now this one, with an expiration date. a date on which monsters so numerous will erupt from the breach and overrun humanity in wave after wave of death and destruction.

"listen," you say, meeting kara's gaze "we'll figure out a way to stop this." and you say that as much for her benefit as your own "we have to." you reminder her.

kara bites the inside of her cheek, she nods, she's trying to be brave, to be assured by your words. but it's wavering, her resolve. so you pull her into a hug. you press her close and let kara shake our her trembling breaths, the ones brought on by exertion and fear and exhaustion. 

"i'll walk you up." you say quietly 

kara nods, she finds your hand and lets you lead her from the lab. from your lab. 

at this time of night the shatterdome is as close to asleep as it ever gets - the place has a life of it's own, a pulse of its own. during the day the shatterdome is oh so alive, people everywhere moving, talking, working, carrying on. but at night the beating pulse of the building slows, there are less people in the halls and those that are keep in their own worlds, their own silences. 

it's a relief now. 

up and up and up to the fourth floor from the fifth subbasement. it's a hike you don't want to make, but when kara's like this: a little overworked, stressed and tired, she tends to overstimulation. and the elevator, with all its lights and buttons and noises, that seems like a recipe for disaster. 

so you take the stairs. 

and she complains for the first flight. 

and the second. 

then she pauses, looks up, blinks twice and grabs your arm "no one's here." she says, and there's a fire in her eyes, a light that wasn't there a moment ago. 

"kara," 

"alex," she says "it's safe." 

she could just do it, just pick you up in her arms and fly you up and up - but she waits. she waits for you to nod before adjusting, before lifting you off the ground and zooming. 

it's the only way to describe flying up the stairwell, zooming. 

kara bumping her shoulder against the wall a few times, but never you. when she lands she stumbles a bit, and she's breathing a little heavier, but at least she's smiling. it's a sight to see with doomsday weighing heavy on both your minds. 

you push open the door, lead down nearly empty corridor to kara's room, the room you used to share. 

but kara pauses, her hand back in yours "alex," she says quietly "can i -" she bites her cheek "can i sleep in your bed?" 

of course she can. it's rare that kara even asks, usually she just turns up in your room when a winter storm is making the whole building shudder and groan. or when she can hear the nightmares in your heartbeat - she pushes through the door and climbs into bed, pulling you close. 

you squeeze her hand, lead her down the hall a little further to your room "i'll come up after i speak to j'onn." you promise and kara is using her keycard to open the door.

"we're not wrong." she says, turning to look at you "i don't care what he says." 

"i know." you nod "we're not wrong." 

and you watch kara close the door. 

turning back down the hall you can envision her not even bothering to change, just collapsing and curling up under the blankets, pressing herself against the wall and passing out. on nights like these where it's not so much physical exertion as it is mental, she tends to have dreamless, long sleeps. 

you wish the same for yourself, sooner rather than later. 

instead you walk the quiet halls of the shatterdome you call home. the place you've spent the past six years of your life. 

[bar the months you spent recovering in vancouver, in a hospital. your mother by your side chastising you with every breath. you almost died, you wanted to tell her. how was that your fault?]

[you hadn't said that] 

it's down and down to the second floor to find j'onns office. but you're walking past the combat room and something tells you to check in there. 

so you do. 

you trust this whisper from your gut. 

you step through the sliding doors and sure enough, see j'onn. 

he's sweating, headphones in, navy p.p.d.c. shorts and grey issue t-shirt, barefeet dancing across the mat. he's fighting some invisible opponent, moving fluidly across the mat. you can almost see his opponent in the negative space j'onn leaves. 

you find yourself staring. 

"you coming in danvers or plan on spying on me from there?" 

he hasn't taken his eyes away from his opponent, and yet he's seen you, heard you "coming in sir." you say, stepping forward, letting the doors slide shut behind you. 

"boots off danvers." he says 

god you're so not ready for an early morning training session. 

"actually, sir," you say, swallowing hard "i came here to talk to you." 

j'onn pauses his fight, slips his headphones out and considers you "okay," he nods "i'm all yours." 

"kara and i," you start "we've been tracking the frequency of the kaiju attacks, trying to find patterns, a way to predict when they'll come next. and," you pause "and we discovered something." 

j'onn walks across the mat and reaches down next to you, taking a towel and using it to wipe the sweat from his forehead. he produces a waterbottle with his other hand and takes a long drink before prompting "i assume whatever you discovered isn't good news." 

you shake your head "no sir." 

"let me hear it." 

"we considered the rate the kaiju have been coming from the breach, looked at how it's been happening more and more frequently and well, sir," you look at him "within the next three months there's going to be a single event, a double event and then, a triple event. after that the kaiju will be coming from the breach every four minutes." 

"and you're sure about this?" he asks 

"we are." you say "it's all, we have it on the whiteboard downstairs," you laugh "kara has a list of every therom and formula we even considered using. but," you add "if you'd like, winn can take a look at it." 

"perhaps," j'onn says "but i'd like to see this first." 

you nod "it's in my lab, the lab." 

"you can call it yours danvers." j'onn says with a smile in his voice "no one else goes in there." 

"besides kara." 

"besides kara." 

"and winn." you add "when he wants snacks." 

"still your lab." j'onn says. 

you stifle a yawn "i can take you there," but j'onn cuts you off 

"there's no need for that danvers," he says "get some sleep. we'll look through the math behind what you told me tomorrow morning." 

[there's nothing in his voice to betray that the day ahead will be anything but ordinary] 

[it won't be] 

"get some sleep danvers." j'onn says "that's an order." 

"yes sir." you say with a nod, turning to walk out of the room. 

"oh, and danvers" j'onn says "good work." 

you smile, he hasnt even seen it yet but you've been at this for months to produce a result like this. even something that will help you be better prepared, will help kara be better prepared. 

"thank you sir." you say with a smile. 

the smile lasts all the way back up to your room. the gravity of what you've discovered hasn't disappeared, but you're tired. you're slap happy. you're reaching the point where you, like kara, will simply collapse into bed. 

you shoes may not even come off. 

luckily, 

they do. 

you open the door as slowly as you can, seeing the light is off and a kara shaped form bundled up under your blankets. you barely get your shoes off, don't bother changing, brushing your teeth or anything. you just climb into bed, feel kara in a hoodie that's definitely yours. feel her roll into you as soon as your settled under the blankets. 

"did he believe us?" she asks, it's more of a mumble. 

"yeah," you whisper. 

kara nods her head against you, and you both fall into an uneasy sort of sleep, driven by exhaustion overriding the fear. 

\-- 

when you wake up kara is sprawled across you. her hair is draped across your face and she's breathing steady and even, slow. you're happy to lay here for a moment, in a world where the end isn't coming quite as fast. 

[or: rather, it is coming just as fast as it was before you were aware. but now, in this moment, with kara asleep, you believe that maybe it's on pause, just for a moment] 

when kara does stir it's preceded by her stomach grumbling loudly, her rolling off you, onto her back. her elbow hits the wall, her body shivering away from the cool of the exposed concrete "mm hungry." she mumbles into the elbow thrown across her face. 

"me too." you, looking at her from the corner of your eye. 

"my head hurts." kara adds, this too in a mumble "that was so much math." 

so she's remembering. you can feel it in the way she stiffens, the way she looks up at the ceiling "i want to check it." she says 

"the math?" you ask 

she nods "j'onn is going to want to check. but first, i need food." 

you roll out of bed "and i need coffee." 

kara follows soon after, sitting at the edge of the bed, still dressed in the clothes from yesterday, eyeing you in your all black ensemble "you need to shower." she comments 

you raise an eyebrow at her "tell yourself that." 

"i'm too hungry to shower." 

"come on then." you say "food, showers, we'll find j'onn and go over the math for him." 

kara nods, leading the way out the door. the shatterdome is alive and you can practically feel it's beating heart. the way there are people everywhere, the way people seem to part before you. well, mostly for kara. kara who's still a ranger. you, you are not a ranger but still - they part before you like. you are. 

the cafeteria is jam packed. and it doesn't look like there are going to be any open tables. but by the time you slink your way through the line, kara with two trays full of food and none of the coordination to carry them both - a table has opened. 

it's by the windows running along one side of the room. the windows that look into the true heart of the shatterdome - where zor-el is visible and the other, far emptier jaeger bays. for the first few minutes there's silence as kara wolfs down three pancakes, a plate of eggs and drains a cup of orange juice. 

you wish you could be disgusted, or at the very least minimally grossed out. 

but you can't. 

you've been around her far too long. 

it's only winn, who walks over to the table as kara is consuming a bagel in nearly one bite, that seems a little bit grossed out "it would be less weird," he says "if you just unhinged your jaw." 

kara just shrugs and says, around a mouthful of bagel "i'm working on it." 

winn shudders, you roll your eyes. 

"so," he says, voice lowering "j'onn told me you've got some big discovery about the kaiju." 

kara swallows all of her bagel in a gulp and you watch for a moment as she chokes, reaches for her water, drains that and then swallows with a pained expression. once you're satisfied she's not going to asphyxiate herself, you look back to winn "not here." you say "later.' 

kara nods, but you can tell she's bursting to talk about it, bursting to share this with someone. so when the time comes and you've put a neat stack of three trays onto the conveyor belt, and you start the descent to your lab - you let kara say it. 

you let her practically pull him through the door to your lab, closing it, locking it as you flip on the lights.

"the kaiju," kara says "they've been coming at an increasingly faster rate and we, alex and i, we figured out the formula. we figured out how to predict when the kaiju will come." 

winn's eyes go wide, he looks past kara, past you to the whiteboard "that," he nods "that's the formula." 

"and all of our work." kara says "mostly alex's." she corrects herself "i just double checked." 

which isn't true really, there were parts wherein you wouldn't have figured it out without her help. but there's still the pretext, the appearneace to maintain that she isn't a genius. 

[she is] 

"may i?" winn starts, stepping forward.

his forte is computers, electronics, and the kaiju, but you don't master all of that without some advanced math skills. so you nod him on. at the same time there's a knock at the door and j'onns voice "danvers," he says. 

you walk over to the door, pulling it open "sir," you nod "we brought winn in as well, to verify." 

"but we're not wrong." kara says, her face grim.

j'onn approaches the whiteboard "explain," he says "for me - the short version." 

kara nods, looks to you and you step forward. 

"the kaiju came every six months at first, but the rate that they increased their arrivals was consistent. we had to wait for enough kaiju to show up to be able to use them as data points. once we had enough, or close to enough, we were able to extrapolate." you pause for breathing and kara steps in 

"basically," she says "we have three months before the end of the world." 

"and by end of the world," winn says, stepping back a little shell shocked "they've predicated that a category five kaiju will come from the breach every four minutes." he looks to j'onn "their math is right sir." 

j'onn nods, his hands on his hips and it's a long moment before he says anything. and when he does, his tone is serious "this is monumental." he says "and it must stay secret."

at first you're confused, but then, 

then you imagine lois lane or whichever p.p.d.c liaison picks the story announcing that in three months the world will be overrun by the kaiju. 

the panic.

the fear. 

the world would descend into anarchy. 

"okay." you say and kara whips around to look at you 

"okay?" she asks "how is this okay?" 

"i'm with kara on this." winn says "how is keeping this a secret a good thing?" 

"because," you say, stepping towards kara "we tell the world that the end is near? it's going to be chaos, panic. hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people would die." you keep going "if we can prevent that from happening it allows us to focus on finding a way to stop the kaiju. for good." 

because that is the only option. it makes your head swim, the prospect of having to find a way to end the war against the kaiju for good. not when the best plan of attack has always been reactive. 

this is proactive. 

this is beyond proactive. 

"okay." kara concedes "but what about the council, shouldn't they know?" 

"let me handle the council." j'onn says "i want you focused here, i want you all focused here." 

"of course sir." you say, kara nods and winn shrugs. 

j'onn looks down at his watch, then between the three of you "i need you all to the hangar." he says. 

"what for?" kara asks 

"an arrival." j'onn says, and it's unusually cryptic, even for him. 

"we'll be there." you say, looking at kara, who's looking at you. 

you know she expects an answer, you know she expects you to walk out of the room and give her an explanation as to what this arrival will be. but you don't have one. 

which is odd. 

after opting out of piloting again, you'd assumed a hybrid role, that of loccan officer for zor-el and something more. a beta marshall really, at this point. and while you've learned a lot about j'onn's job, on this you're clueless. and just as curious as kara. 

you're nearly to the hanger when a siren goes off. it isn't the usual klaxon alarm of a kaiju through the breach; it's a warning, an indication that the roof to the hanger is opening.

which means, you assume, the arrival is here. 

and what you expect, as you step onto the hanger floor, 

is maybe a helicopter. maybe an engine for the bicep of zor-el. or something of the like. 

what you were not expecting, what make's kara vibrate in excitement and a thousand questions rise to your lips 

is for a jaeger to descend through the parted roof of the shatterdome. 

not just a jaeger, 

but red tornado. 

there are three jaegers left in the world, that much you know, and now two of them are here.

you can't help but watch as it descends down, down, down. 

settling with a thump.

"woah," winn says 

"right." kara echoes. 

you just want to know what's going on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so we are back in business folks. i'm working on a couple of projects at the moment, both of them supergirl related, both of them a lot of fun. however i have the skeleton of this story by and large thanks to the prodding and help from [bathtimefunduck](https://bathtimefunduck.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> come shout about supergirl with me at [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)
> 
> and lastly, thank you to everyone who comments and kudos and takes the time to read the story - y'all are the true legends.


	5. now - two - call it jet lag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> m'gann thinks lucy is doing far better at this whole, pretending to be enthused about being here situation.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**  
**april - 2022**

"balmy." m'gann says, stepping out of the helicopter and onto the landing pad of the shatterdome "this, luce, is balmy. practically summer." 

lucy, to her credit, just nudges m'gann forward with a hand on her shoulder "you can bask in the sunshine while i'm in the shower." 

"oh no you don't," m'gann says, glancing over her shoulder in lucy's direction "i called the first shower when we were in provideniya." 

lucy smirks "oh was that what you were saying?" she asks "i must have missed that between you bitching about how hungry you were." 

m'gann starts to grumble something, but her eye catches sight of someone walking across the helipad and straight towards them. there's the imperceptible shift of her shoulders, the way she straightens, her hands falling to her side. it's an instinct that lucy follows, so they're both standing, almost at attention as j'onn j'onzz walks towards them. 

"welcome to alaska." he says, keeping his tone formal "i trust the trip was smooth?" 

"smooth enough, sir." m'gann says. 

and lucy nods "good to be back stateside sir." 

m'gann thinks lucy is doing far better at this whole, pretending to be enthused about being here situation. j'onn gives them an appraising look, then says "i understand you must be tired, you'll be shown to your bunks and the rest of the day is yours." he turns, looking just behind him "this is alex danvers, she can show you to your accommodation." 

m'gann notices the way lucy tenses. the way the niceties seem to slip through her fingers and all of a sudden there's ice in her words "nice to meet you." she nods in danvers' direction. 

danvers who is dressed in all black everything, combat boots, pants, longsleeve. she's got their air of command around her even as she steps forward to introduce herself "nice to put faces with names." she says, looking to lucy, then to m'gann. 

"same." m'gann says, but the word is tight, this is a lead of lucy's that she's following, one that's tripped on a deeper instinct in both of them. 

"you must be tired." alex says, her tone light but there's something in her eyes, something that tells m'gann that alex danvers noticed the icy reception. 

"jet lag." m'gann says.

"it's a bitch." lucy adds 

alex blinks once, then there's a smile across her face "i'll show you to your bunk." 

"just the one?" m'gann comments dryly "here i was hoping for an upgrade." 

usually this is where lucy would have a witty remark, but instead she's quiet, tense, she's just barely a step behind m'gann - who's following alex into the shatterdome. the anchorage shatterdome. 

it's one of the oldest in existence, and m'gann thinks, it shows. it blends with the deep steel grey of the water that laps against the launching platform. it looks weather worn and almost familiar, reminds her of vladivostock. the same wear and tear against icy winds, salty spray and dark, forboding winters. 

it's almost nice. 

stepping into the shatterdome is like coming home. 

god, she'd missed this place. 

not this place being the alaska shatterdome specifically, but the shatterdome. she's called these places home for eight years now, these quickly constructed, most of the time under heated, really fancy airplane hangers. they're home. cafeteria's and sharing a tiny room with lucy, they're what she knows.

it wasn't that living in airplanes, shitty russian motels and sleeping on the carpeted floor of the out of use terminal two at nome airport wasn't exciting and different. but this, a shatterdome, this is home. 

[even if she doesn't know why they're here] 

the first place m'gann looks is at red tornado, all in one piece thanks to a two day stop over in nome. where the pieces of red tornado were splayed out and she was put back together like a jigsaw puzzle. 

m'gann may not be a mechanic, but she sure as hell wants to check her baby, their baby out, as soon as possible. she isn't sure how to explain what it felt like to watch red tornado get pulled apart. even carefully, even with the best of the best techs following caraefulyl constructed guidelines, it was still gut wrenching. terrible in a way m'gann wasn't prepared for. 

seeing red tornado whole again, 

it's settles something twisted in m'gann stomach. it leaves something else twisted, something unsettled nearby. but she can feel lucy just to her left, an intentional choice to have a body between her and alex danvers? 

sure. m'gann definitely thinks so. and she's happy to provide the needed buffer. 

"this way." alex danvers is saying, leading them away from red tornado and into a stairwell. 

they go up and up and then they're out on the fourth floor. it's some small mercy that danvers isn't trying to make small talk. she seems to be happy to just lead them down a hall, around a corner, and to their room.

their bunk is quite simple. 

the same skeleton as their room in vladivostok, which is another small comfort. 

"cafeteria's on three." alex says, not quite in the room, but right on the edge of the doorway "food served twenty four seven. if you have questions, feel free to ask." 

"sure. thanks." m'gann says 

"thanks." lucy says. 

it's awkward, they all feel it. but perhaps the pretense of jetlag is enough to not have anyone ask questions. or say something about it. m'gann leans forward and shuts the door, turning to lucy and dropping her bag onto the floor.

a simple duffle with all the essentials is all either of them have, but right now m'gann isn't interested in unpacking, or even showering. she looks to lucy "you okay?" she asks 

lucy turns to look at her, coming out of her daze "yeah, sure." she says "fine, tired." 

m'gann rolls her eyes "this is me you're speaking to." she says "that shit doesn't work on me." she crosses her arms "i know danvers was your hero, but," 

lucy's eyes snap up "she wasn't my hero." 

m'gann raises an eyebrow "really?" she says "i'm not trying to give you shit, i get why you're shutting her out." 

lucy sighs, "we've been here for all of five minutes, i dont think that's enough time to shut any one out. but that's not the point." 

"and the point is?" 

lucy sighs, frustrated "the point is she's here, we're here. there's nothing that says we have to work with her, so we can just, you know, have our problems with her in private." 

"smile and pretend we're not a little bit salty?" m'gann offers. 

"yes, sure." lucy says "now are you going to shower first?" 

m'gann considers, then shakes her head "you go first. you need it more." she says with a shit eating grin. 

"i'm too tired to even hit you." lucy says, her bag still on her shoulder and she makes a move straight for the bathroom door. 

it only takes three minutes for m'gann to regret her moment of charity as she's left standing in their bare bunk without so much to do as read a book to pass the time. there is, of course, the tv, so she turns towards that, hoping to find something to occupy herself while lucy takes an expected eon in the shower.

but m'gann barely touches the remote before there's a knock on the door and she pauses, really hoping it's not alex danvers. she doesn't have time for people who abandon their post. nonetheless, she goes to the door and is met not by alex danvers, but by 

someone else? 

she isn't quite sure who this dirty blond, pastel sweatpants wearing person is, but she's beaming at m'gann. there's this excited little movement she's making, like she wants ot hug m'gann but knows that's probably not a good idea "uh," m'gann says, tempted to add something like 

you lost? 

but instead saying "can i help you?" 

there's a pause, the rocking stops, the shoulders fall back and the stranger almost seems like a different person. the only connection is the excitement in her eyes, the way her hands are clenching and unclenching "technically," the stranger says "i'm not supposed to tell you this yet, j'onn says I should wait for the meeting but," she pauses "it's been so long since other rangers have been here. other, active rangers." 

m'gann just blinks at her. she's way too tired to finish the mental gymnastics required that would tell her who this stranger is. 

"i'm kara." the stranger says "i pilot zor-el." 

m'gann just stares at her for long, unblinking seconds. it's basically the p.p.d.c.'s biggest secret. the identity for the solo ranger was much clamored for, hell, m'gann remembers many a night where she and lucy debated the type of person who would be able to drift solo with the jaeger. for now, m'gann is trying to think of how confused lucy is going to be when she see's that it's someone younger than both of them. 

"woah." m'gann says, then adds "you're a beast." 

kara smiles, says "so are you guys. i mean, red tornado has some of the fastest kills on record. not that i checked, but, you guys are really, really good." 

m'gann steps away from the door "you want to come in? we just got here, so there's not much going on and i can't say i'll be great company but," 

"oh," kara is saying "i didn't want to intrude, i just wanted to introduce myself. i've actually got some stuff in the lab to finish working on, but you know, if you feel like coming around it's sublevel five." she explains in almost one breath "it'll just be my sister and i, maybe winn." 

"sure thing," m'gann says, the prospect of actually having somewhere to go making the idea of forcing her and lucy to stay awake until at least eight pm far more reasonable. 

plus there's some meeting she has to be aware of. a meeting where she, they, was supposed to learn the identity of that girl. it's weird, m'gann decides. 

and when she explains to lucy, post a shower of her very own that feels _amazing_ \- that the ranger for zor-el is not in fact, some alpha male type, but a nearly giddy early twenty something female, the look on lucy's face was priceless. 

"you're kidding." lucy says 

"i'm not kidding." m'gann says 

"maybe it's a prank." 

m'gann pauses "wait, why can't it be this kara chick?" 

lucy shrugs "i just," she starts "when i picture solo ranger, it's not a kid that i imagine." she explains "it means that she would have had to have been like seventeen or younger when she piloted solo. she would have had to be new to the whole thing." 

"you're saying it sounds weird." 

"i'm saying that maybe it was better kept a mystery." 

"she seems cool." m'gann says "and you seem grumpy. c'mon," m'gann says "we're going to find some food in this joint and then go down to kara's lab so you can meet her for yourself. see that i'm not just lying to you." 

it turns out to be a good plan, because at this point the cafeteria is relatively empty and they're able to snag a table close to the television set in the corner. which they only do because lucy walks in and her head had snapped up. 

m'gann was half expecting alex danvers to be around, but instead, from across the room she hears the voice of lois from the television. she watched as lucy momentarily forgot about selecting food and instead weaved through tables to listen to her sister's brief commentary on the rumor that red tornado was in alaska.

how they managed to keep flying the giant jaeger through the sky a secret is beyond m'gann. but lucy walks back over with a smile on her face "i should tell her it's true." she says 

"oh please," m'gann says "she probably already knows. your dad probably told her." 

lucy shrugs, but doesn't comment. 

instead, she picks up a slice of protein pudding and deposits it on m'gann's tray. m'gann looks horrified "i'm not eating this." she says, reading around with the plate in one hand and dumping it onto lucy's tray.

"but it's good for you." 

"that's what they want us to think." m'gann says, instead moving to the salad bar and dumping the entire container of baby carrots onto a tray. 

lucy just stares at her. 

"i've missed them." m'gann says "and someone has to eat vegetables between us." 

which is fair enough. 

a few minutes later, lucy is watching the debate on what it means if red tornado is back in the states. there is no discussion, m'gann notices, of what it means for the pilots. but people probably don't think about what it means to be in the wilds of russia for four years. 

[it means, for one, m'gann is now tri-lingual, but also that she would basically kill to have in 'n out right about now] 

[not the protein pudding cube that lucy is going to try and pawn off on her, again] 

"so," lucy says, once the tv has moved on to other things and they're both full for the first time in about a week "this lab?" 

m'gann nods "sublevel five, just her and her sister apparently." 

neither of them were aware that the sister would be alex danvers. that alex would be mid-way through talking something over with j'onn when they walked in. 

of course kara just beamed at them, walked over from the multiple broken pencils and spread of papers she'd been working on and held out her hand to lucy "i'm kara." she says, looking to j'onn who just waves her on. 

m'gann assumes he already knows that she broke her cover.

"ranger for zor-el." 

m'gann smirks and watches lucy only partially mask her surprise that m'gann was, apparently, telling the truth. what's more telling is the way that danvers, alex, m'gann corrects herself now that there are two danvers in the situation - 

the way that alex seems to be surveying them both upon kara's announcement. the way she's looking at them gives the distinct impression that she would not take lightly to either of them handing this reveal poorly. 

not that there's anything to handle poorly, not really. once upon a time the world of jaegers was a male dominated career path. now, it isn't. 

as is shown by the majority in this room. 

"what are you working on?" m'gann asks, glancing at the wall of math. 

"oh," kara says "it's about rate of kaiju coming through the breach." 

m'gann realizes somewhere that lucy and alex are still basically staring at each other. j'onn seems to have noticed as well and he clears his throat "if you two are not to tired yet, perhaps you'd like to take a look at red tornado."

"sure." lucy says at once, and m'gann is quick to jump on the inspect red tornado wagon.

not that all the math doesn't sound fun. 

"can i come watch?" kara asks, despite the glance she gets from alex - and to m'gann it seems like kara barely even notices.

j'onn looks to lucy and m'gann for an answer and m'gann shrugs, sure why not "of course." she says, and then she forces herself to look towards alex "you're invited too, if you like." 

"i should finish this stuff." alex says, gesturing to her wall of math. 

lucy relaxes slightly. 

m'gann sighs, this is not going to be easy. 

but, getting away from alex, away from those feelings that m'gann understands and yet perhaps needs lucy to actually talk about, helps. 

getting to bay three, where red tornado is sitting, helps. 

kara stays a respectful distance back. she sits on the railing of a retractible walkway with far too much comfort for someone who's sitting perilously on an inch wide piece of metal that is tens of feet above the ground. but m'gann doesn't have time to really notice that. 

instead, she's looking towards j'onn "can we do a full systems check?" she asks 

j'onn hesitates, "i would prefer to do that after you've gotten some rest." he says "you're more susceptible to the drift when you're not fully rested." 

"please." lucy says "i think it would help both of us if we could see she's okay." 

"what happened to her?" kara asks 

"they had to take dismember her to bring her here." lucy says, voice tight. 

kara's eyes go wide "oh." she says 

j'onn seems to watch all of this and then he nods "okay," he says "okay. we'll run it as a drill." he looks between them "kara, i would like you in this as well. to zor-el, if you will." 

she nods and j'onn turns to a control panel, flipping on a deafening alarm and speaking into the base wide comm system "attention, this is a preparatory drill. will the teams for zor-el and red tornado please report to bays two and three. this is a preparatory drill." 

kara is gone before he's even finished speaking. 

which leaves m'gann and lucy to watch as the room comes to life around them. personnel flood in from whatever other duties they were attending to and for the pair, it's a handful of faces they recognize from vladivostok, but mostly new faces. 

there is one person they recognize, otto and he's smiling.

"i should have expected you to do this." he says, his english accented as ever, but nearly perfect. 

"you know us," m'gann says "can't wait to get back in. not after that took her apart." 

he sighs understandingly "of course." he says, turning to j'onn "a full systems check i assume?" 

j'onn nods "please convey that to mr. schott in bay two as well." 

"ay sir." otto says with a nod, moving towards the loccan.

it takes slightly longer than normal for armor to be placed, spines to be clamped in, but the fact that pairs of techs came running into the room, boxes of equipment between them, explained that away. 

but god, getting into gear feels good. 

the world falling silent as their helmets slip on, this communication between them all they have left until otto taps in from the loccan "ready?" m'gann asks, looking over to lucy.

lucy gives her the nod. 

they walk through the doors and into their control center for red tornado. it's dark in here, cool and comforting. 

"good to be home." Lucy breathes. 

"agreed." m'gann replies. they look across at each other "ready?" m'gann asks 

"for you to be in my head?" lucy replies "always." 

m'gann smirks, speaks into the com "waiting to engage the drop on loccan's command." 

from the loccan, otto is settled into a chair, j'onn is standing just behind, surveying the screens with a trained eye "engage drop." he says 

_"engaging the drop."_ otto repeats, speaking in accented english. _"release for drop."_ he says, flipping a switch 

and then they're falling. 

and usually, in the heat of preparation for battle with a kaiju, this is the part that takes the longest. these seconds where the head of red tornado is descending down the shaft and coupling with the body. usually, the adrenaline is already pumping and this drop is just a hurdle. 

but today, where there's nothing to rush towards, the drop is a kickstart. it's m'gann letting out a whoop because god, god she loves being a jaeger. she loves the way it's thrillseeking. the way it's dangerous and good and in the heart of it all, when her mind is focused on the task at hand, she's succeeding. 

the same for lucy, she knows. 

when they're in it like this, when they're hearing otto say, through their coms _"coupling confirmed."_

they can do this. 

they're one of the best at this. the best pair of rangers still active, that much they know. 

"preparing pilot to pilot protocol." lucy says, voice cutting through and bringing everyone to the moment.

in synchronized motions they enter the commands and then, some corner of their mind registers otto saying _"preparing neural handshake in ten, nine, eight"_

and the countdown continues, but it doesn't matter because the words are lost on the rangers. they're already breathing evenly, they're already preparing for the moment they enter the drift. and when they do, 

when, somewhere, a switch is flipped, the outside world ceases to exist. 

for long seconds there is the melding of two minds into one. m'gann feels a familiar rush of memories come charging to the surface, a mixture now, hers and lucys. the wash over the pair, the memories, and with them, some of the old emotions rise to the surface. 

but at this, at ignoring the rabit, they are old pros. 

"breathe." m'gann says 

"breathing." lucy replies "hows it looking?" 

and this is all habit, it's all what they've come to say each and every time because in the beginning it was lucy who chased the rabit and it was m'gann who hauled her out. and now the check in, the quietest command of _breathe_ drags them both to the present. they are both in control, both in command. two halves of a mighty whole. 

"red tornado ready and aligned otto." m'gann says and the rush of memories is still pulsating, still present, but it's not demanding anything from them. 

across the hanger, the next bay over, zor-el has hit the same state. m'gann picks it up as they settle, as lucy settles. here nothing else matters, just the pure feeling of power, of control, of being alive. 

_"perfect."_ otto says _"all systems running smoothly, better than we could hope for."_

m'gann and lucy let out long breaths they didn't know they were holding, and then j'onns voice cuts through the comms _"prepare to disengage."_ he says 

"ready to disengage." lucy says, a little disappointed that they don't actually get to take red tornado out for a spin. 

but by the time they're out, the armor is off, she's glad. they're both glad because the exhaustion has hit hard and fast. they step out of the jaeger to a nod of approval from j'onn, a smile from otto "impressive." j'onn says, then looks them over "you're off the clock until tomorrow afternoon. four pm, i would like you both in room 598." 

"is that the meeting, sir?" m'gann asks

j'onn blinks. 

"kara mentioned-" 

he nods "it is." he says "i suggest you get your rest." j'onn finishes, which is only a little bit cryptic. 

but not at all hard. 

despite the fact that it's still the early afternoon, their room is dark and the their beds are comfortable and sure, m'gann thinks, something big is happening tomorrow. but she really can't consider that, not when her eyelids weigh a thousand pounds and lucy has already claimed the bottom bunk so she just collapses on the couch. 

that's how tired she is. 

so tired a four rung ladder is too much. 

but she doesn't care. 

she's asleep before she feels the pillow lucy throws her way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter had many, many iterations, all of which could have taken the story in vastly different directions - and it is also this chapter which nearly ended me writing this fic at all for a moment there. but here we are, and here it is, and we've almost got everyone in alaska. 
> 
> i tag things as #superpac!au on my blog ([onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)) if you want some commentary about the fic, etc. or if you want to come chat about supergirl, hit me up! 
> 
> as always, thank you to everyone who kudos and comments, they make my day without fail.


	6. now - three - bigger in person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all that swearing and yet, 
> 
> here maggie is. 
> 
> in a fucking shatterdome with a dufflebag slung over her shoulder and the distinct feeling that all of these people are staring at her.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**  
**april - 2022**

being back in a shatterdome is, odd. to say the least. it's like stepping into a past life, and in many ways, for maggie, it is. three years on and she was so sure, so convinced that she would never come back to a place like this. had sworn it to reyna time and time again in the kitchen, in the middle of the night with nightmares on her tongue, strolling along the dirt road with dogs chasing tennis balls into the dust.

all that swearing and yet, 

here she is. 

in a fucking shatterdome with a dufflebag slung over her shoulder and the distinct feeling that all of these people are staring at her. which is not not true. except, perhaps, one. maggie feels the eyes settle on her back before she hears the familiar voice, before her shoulders relax for the first time since stepping back into this place 

"well, well, well," 

maggie whips around, a smile spreading onto her face because she does have one friend here "well shit vasquez." she says, with a lack of better things to say. 

"you look," vasquez says with a smile "you look good sawyer." 

maggie eyes her "could say the same for you." 

"could?" 

"hows that girlfriend of yours?" maggie asks, guilt twisting into her stomach because she hasn't exactly been the best friend. 

or a friend at all. 

three years ago she left the world of jaegers behind her, wanted nothing to do with the world that had nearly killed her, that had left her scarred and broken. vasquez was a part of that world. god it included vasquez, the woman responsible for saving maggie's life in the first place. 

and she'd barely gotten a thank you. 

"fiancé now." vasquez says, holding up her left hand and showing a ring - a simple, yet elegant band "i finally got the balls to propose." 

"no shit," maggie smiles, walking over to her "congratulations, seriously." 

but the guilt is strong in her stomach, the twisting feeling that reminds her she's been gone for so long. so many of the people she knew, considered friends, family, they've all moved on. and now she's just come waltzing back here. 

"comes on," vasquez is saying, a hand tucking against maggie's elbow as if she can read maggie's guilt, her taught emotions "i'll give you the tour." she looks past maggie, to j'onn "that okay boss?" 

j'onn nods, then looks to maggie "welcome to alaska." 

"thank you sir." maggie nods, saying it at the same time vasquez does. 

it feels normal, walking around with vasquez like this. it's the first thing that feels normal about today. whereas this time a week ago she was on shift, in the police station doing nothing more exciting than watch paint dry. now, now she's in alaska. 

good grief. 

"right now we've got two jaegers." vasquez is saying, leading maggie through a set of double doors and into, what maggie realizes, is actually the shatterdome. whereas before she was in some sort of entry way, a breakroom perhaps. not that anyone has ever worked regular hours in a shatterdome, but a room with a tv and a fridge, some couches and a couple showers could be construed as a break room.

however this room, 

this is the heart of the entire facility. football fields upon football fields long, and stories high - maggie feels dwarfed merely existing in this space. and the room, if she could call it that, is alive with activity. there are people everywhere, some maggie recognizes, most she doesn't. 

what maggie's gaze is drawn to first are the jaegers. they're hard to miss. the massive, hulking jaegers that would dominate any other space.

here they're huge sure, but there's space for at least two more jaegers in this hanger, it's a sign of what j'onn talked about, 

the quiet, suppressed ramping down of the jaeger program. 

maggie feels it most right now, where she is surrounded so much 

air. but interrupting the expanse is a jaeger. 

"zor el." she says, eyes drawn to the deep blues and reds of the jaeger closest to her - bay three if she had to guess.

"bigger in person huh?" vasquez comments and she's more watching maggie than looking around the building she's worked in for three years now. 

maggie nods, shifts her gaze down the hanger "and that's red tornado." 

red tornado is a little further away, but the only of the two jaegers presently being worked on. there are cranes and retractable platforms extending towards it from all heights. what appears to be some sort of work on the left knee is being done, an armored plate above what maggie would call the shoulder is also exposed "impressive." 

"sure is." vasquez says "rangers and mechanics for her got here this morning, i haven't had time to get a look at her yet, but she's pretty impressive. they ran a full systems check this afternoon, red tornado and zor-el, was a hell of a sight." she lets maggie stare for a moment more and then there's a hand on her elbow again and she's being tugged down through the center of the hanger, following a painted yellow line "come on." she says "there's a whole shatterdome to see." 

they're passing zor-el and maggie can't help but pause, look up at the machine "so who's the pilot?" she asks. 

vasquez smirks "classified." she says 

"but-" 

"you'll find out in due time." vasquez says "but it's not exactly my secret to spill." 

maggie rolls her eyes, allows herself to be lead past zor-el, and just before the get to red tornado, vasquez leads her left, through a set of double doors "so," vazquez says "this shatterdome is a carbon copy of the tok- of literally every other one." 

it doesn't escape maggie that vasquez deliberately avoided saying tokyo. once upon a time, a year or so ago, saying the name would have rendered maggie into into a shaking mess, but these days she's stronger. 

"so we've got the ground floor." vasquez says "cafeteria, gym, combat rooms on two, bunks on three, four, five. the rest is storage, labs and such, there are six sublevels as well. oh, and helipad on the roof. pretty basic." she says "rangers bunk on four." 

"tell me the rooms got bigger." maggie comments, remembering the tokyo shatterdome, remembers how small it felt - beyond cramped. 

"i wish." vasquez says "but, lucky you getting a room all to yourself." 

that certainly is an improvement. 

vasquez leads them into a stairwell "so," she says, and for the first time it sounds like she's apprehensive, tentative "how's reyna?" 

maggie smiles, knowing it isn't the question that vasquez wants to ask, but it's also easier to talk about reyna than it is to talk about herself. talk about her problems, the scars left from tokyo, from the aftermath of it all. people don't talk about the trauma of nightmares. maggie doesn't talk about the trauma of nightmares. 

"she's good." maggie replies, "got her masters in agri-business last year." she continues "the economy's been tough on the farm though. the government isn't subsiding like they used to and there's so much pressure to just sell out to big business, but you know, it's her pride and joy." 

"besides you." vasquez interjects, up another staircase. 

maggie ignores that, but yeah, it's probably a little bit true "she want's to stay small, stay family. she doesn't want to compromise her morals just to make ends meet. she's doing most of the work herself." 

"what about rori and their son?" vasquez asks 

rori, a farmhand reyna employed four years ago and their now six year old son devyn. they live just up the road in the upper level of a renovated barn that reyna also uses for machine storage "they're good." maggie says with a smile "devyn's just like rori." 

"from what you've told me about them, that's a good thing." 

it absolutely is. maggie knows many other farm hands would have up and left. but at this point, rori and devyn are part of the family. 

"it is," maggie agrees "it definitely is. "

she realizes now she didn't even have a chance to say good-bye. they were off in omaha for the weekend, and here maggie is, gone without so much as a note. the brief conversation she'd been able to have with reyna before arriving at the jaeger academy last week was barely enough. 

vasquez pushing through a door shakes maggie from her thoughts and maggie steps out into what could be a hallway in tokyo, could be a hallway in panama city. she pauses, chest tight, blinking through the memories "this way," vasquez says gently, calmly. 

the floor is quiet, feels almost deserted. in tokyo, the floors almost always jam packed. the college experience that maggie never got to have if you ask her. but this is, weird. 

"what's with the," she gestures around "the silence." 

"besides the fact that it's nearly midnight?" vasquez says "the cafeteria's freezers are broken so they're getting rid of as much ice cream as possible and no one wants to miss that."

"is that sarcasm i hear?" 

"normally, yes. there's one thing," vasquez says "the one thing i keep hoping they'll figure out. is the food." she sighs, shakes her head "and i am consistently disappointed." 

"yeah, but don't lie, nina sent you all kinds of stuff when we were in tokyo." 

maggie says it because she remembers the way vasquez's whole face would light up when her name got called for mail. she remembers the first time vasquez invited her to dinner, and maggie thought it was a proposition of a different kind. 

[they laugh now, but then maggie was mortified] 

"now she just hand delivers it." vasquez says with a broad grin "she comes up once a month from vancouver." 

"lucky you." maggie says "the rest of us are stuck with mess hall chow. tell me they've stopped serving those protein bar all in ones." 

"nope, everyone monday, wednesday and saturday." vasquez says with faux cheer "but tonight there's some of nina's lasagne with your name on it if you're hungry. first though," she stops short of a room "your bunk." 

the door is unlocked, the white painted number 413 still clear enough, and maggie twists the handle, pushing it open. 

it's a relief to see a single bed, pushed into a corner. the spartan accommodations haven't changed much at all, bed, couch, tv, bathroom, closet.

basic as.

"home sweet home." maggie says with a sigh, stepping across the threshold and dropping her dufflebag to the floor "it seems smaller." she comments. 

"three feet." vasquez says "tokyo was three feet wider. each side." figures. "how about food in half an hour? you can tell me all abut your week at the jaeger academy." 

maggie grimaces "you just want to laugh at me." 

vasquez shrugs "i'm on four, room thirty-two. half an hour. you're not getting out of this sawyer." 

maggie sigs, maggie nods, and as vasquez turns to leave maggie says "and hey," vasquez pauses "thank you." 

vasquez smiles "we're trying to save the world, can't do that alone." 

\-- 

showering has helped clear the cobwebs from maggie's head, although she still feels a little unnerved by exactly how much her life has changed in the past twenty-four hours. all by her own doing, sure, but still, this is a big shift. agreeing to get back into a jaeger like this. 

not that it looks like she has a jaeger to get it into. 

maggie pulls out her cellphone and dials renya's number, knowing full well she'll still be awake. it rings once, twice then 

_"maggie, maggie, maggie."_ and it's definitely not reyna, but maggie envisions devyn clutching the phone with both hands _"is it true you're in laska?"_

"hey kiddo," maggie says with a smile, sitting down on the edge of her bed "yeah, i am. i'm sorry i didn't get a chance to say goodbye." she adds 

_"s'okay."_ devyn says _"reyna says it just means you'll bring me back a really cool toy from laska."_

"i think i can do that." maggie agrees, smiling wide, "is reyna around?" 

_"mhmm."_ devyn says, and maggie can practically hear him bouncing around the room, feet pattering down hardwood floors _"it's maggie."_ she hears, and then there's the muffled thump, the patter of feet and then 

_"he was determined not to go to bed until you called."_

maggie can hear reyna smiling through the phone "i miss him already." she says "i miss all of you." 

_"you can always come home."_ reyna says and perhaps it's because maggie knows that she could, perhaps it's because maggie knows that reyna can hear the way she's a little overwhelmed by everything, the way that she's maybe double guessing herself a little bit. 

"i know." maggie breaths "you'll never guess who's here?" she says, her free hand curling into the sheets on the edge of her bed. 

_"tell me it's that james olsen,"_ reyna says 

"what?" maggie asks "no way, why would he?" she shakes her head "vasquez." 

_"the one who-"_ reyna says _"in tokyo."_

"yeah," maggie says "the one from tokyo." 

_"i like her,"_ reyna says _"and her fiancé."_

"wait," maggie says "how do you even, why do you know about her fiancé?" 

reyna laughs and maggie can her her settling down on the couch, turning down the television _"she messaged me on facebook, after you came home."_ she explains _"knew that you didn't want to speak to anyone from the program, but she wanted to know how you were doing. we're facebook friends."_

of course they are, maggie figures that she shouldn't even really be surprised. not when she purged her whole facebook friend list after tokyo, deleted her instagram, twitter, the whole nine yards. 

there's a silence, and maggie clenches and unclenches her hand against the sheet, finally saying "i don't know if i want to be here reyna." it's a quiet admission, it slips out past guarded lips. 

but this is reyna, this is family. 

_"you just got there mija."_ reyna says, the nickname a comfort to maggie _"you just got there. everything is going to be a little too much, just, take it easy. take it slow."_

maggie forces out a shaky breath, her eyes watering unexpectedly again and for a while she says nothing. she just lets herself breath _"but,"_ reyna is saying _"in a few days, if you really want to come home, they can't stop you."_

which is true enough. 

there's a knock on the door and maggie assumes it's vasquez, come to show her the way to the fourth floor "gotta go rey," she says "i love you." 

_"be safe."_ reyna says 

"i will." maggie promises, then ends the call and walks towards the door. 

it is not vasquez standing at her door. 

it's, 

she cocks her head, blinking a few times. the person standing before her is someone who she would call a kid - but in actuality is probably twenty or so. dirty blond hair, these deep blue eyes and broad shoulders, jesus the broad shoulders and the muscles. maggie can't help but notice because they all seem so, familiar? 

"uh," she says "can i help you?"

the stranger holds out her hand "i'm kara." she says "you're maggie." 

"yeah," maggie says, returning they handshake and she's surprised by the firmness in kara's grasp "that's me. i - not to be rude, but, what are you doing here?" 

kara shifts, something uncomfortable blinking in her eyes, then it's gone and her shoulders slip back and maggie realizes. she's eighteen again and there's a kid at a cafeteria table, alone and small. she's the fighter that dumped alex danvers on her back. and now, it seems, far more grown up. 

maggie feels like there are a thousand clips flashing before her eyes, memories, clips of zor-el, the half seconds where the ranger for zor-el is caught on film. broadcast around the world keeping everyone wonders 

who is it? 

and damn, 

maggie thinks she has the answer. 

"wanted to say hi." kara says "introduce myself." she pauses "there's free ice cream in the cafeteria. no more chocolate though, i ate it." 

"all of it?" 

"most of it." 

there's a door opening down the hall, a head pops out and maggie won't say they her heart stops, but it does a sort double take because sure as shit, 

that's alex danvers. 

and it's not that maggie stalked her or anything. brief glimpses at the jaeger academy all those years ago, no interaction beyond what the tv showed her. but maggie can't forget the face - especially not one of the woman she's supposed to pilot a jaeger with. 

"kara-oh," alex pauses, she steps out of the room she was in and looks at maggie, "you're new." she says 

maggie smiles, tries to find the words because they seem to be a little bit lost at the moment, so it's kara who beats her to the introduction "maggie sawyer." kara says with a bright smile. 

maggie gives wave down the hall, feeling not at all like an idiot for being unable to introduce herself "how's it going?" 

"had way too much ice cream." alex admits with a shrug and a smile that shouldn't make maggie's stomach do such funny things "and you?" 

"i'm good." maggie replies, stifling a yawn "about to take a much needed shower.'" 

"well then," alex says, leaning back towards the doorway "it was nice to meet you, maggie."

and kara finishes "i won't keep you any longer. see you tomorrow." 

"sure." maggie nods, "nice to meet you both." wondering what tomorrow brings. 

\-- 

turns out, vasquez knows what's up.

or at least part of it. 

they're sitting in the room vasquez shares with a loccan officer who works nights monitoring the breach. so they have the space to themselves, two chairs pulled up to a small wooden table, steaming plates of lasagne in front of them and a beer apiece. 

"so what have you been doing?" maggie asks "here?"

vasquez finishes her mouthful of lasagne, chases it with a sip of beer and says "between you and me?" 

maggie nods "of course." 

"working on your jaeger." 

maggie's world slows "say that again." she asks, putting down her knife and fork with a soft clatter. 

"oh come on sawyer," vasquez says "what did you think you'd be going out in? the frankenstein of a mark two and a mark three?" she asks 

maggie swallows, blinks "uh," she starts "i didn't know what to expect." She answers "but the jaeger, she's, she's new?" 

vasquez's eyes light up "yeah, mark six." she says "top of the line." she adds "a beautiful machine." 

"and it's here?' 

"sure is." vasquez says "bay five suffered 'extensive damage from a storm' last year and has been closed off since." 

"and danvers." maggie asks "she knows?" 

vasquez hesitates, "between you and me." she presses and maggie nods, meeting her friends gaze "alex danvers doesn't know a thing about the jaeger. or that she's supposed to pilot one with you." 

"who's going to tell her?" maggie asks, praying that responsibility doesn't fall to her. 

"j'onn." vasquez answers "tomorrow." she adds "in the meeting." 

"the meeting?" 

"you're acting surprised tomorrow, when you learn all of this." vasquez prompts 

"no one will know you told me." maggie says 

"j'onn already gave me permission to." vasquez says "but still, you need to be surprised." 

"the performance will be oscar worthy, i promise." maggie says 

vasquez rolls her eyes, sighs and says "j'onns got a team together, the best of the best, of who's alive." she traces a pattern along the wooded table top "red tornado, zor-el are in for sure. he's got james olsen-" 

"wait," maggie cuts her off "olsen?" 

vasquez nods "the james olsen." 

"for what?" 

"liaison for the council." she explains "or that's his official title, but he worked with jeremiah danvers, with clark kent, he has first hand knowledge of whatever they were working on before tokyo." she says "but that's speculation." 

"of course." maggie nods, reminding herself to tell reyna that james olsen is in fact here "who else?" 

"at the meeting tomorrow it'll be zor-el" 

"the younger danvers." maggie says 

vasquez blinks "you want to keep interrupting me?" 

"am i wrong?" 

vasquez shakes her head "but i didn't tell you that." 

"you didn't." maggie nods "i guessed." 

"we'll talk about how you guessed that later," vasquez says "but first, your original question - kara danvers, lucy lane and m'gann m'orzz, james olsen, j'onn, alex danvers and you will all be in attendance. plus or minus myself, otto levi and winn schott." 

"who are they?" 

"the three of us are the main loccan officers for each of the jaegers." 

"wait, you're - for me?" 

vasquez nods "i asked j'onn if i could do it." 

maggie lets out a long breath, that helps her she thinks. that helps her settle, it helps chase her demons away because vasquez knows. vasquez is the best. vasquez has her back. 

"good." maggie says "that's good." 

vasquez smiles "i figured you wouldn't mind." 

"not at all." 

"but alex danvers, she still has no idea?" 

vasquez nods "she'll find out tomorrow." 

"that," maggie says, finding her words slowly "that's probably not great." 

"i agree," vasquez says "but it wasn't my call to make. the marshall has his reasons i suppose." 

maggie takes a long draught from her beer "do you know his plan?" she asks 

"j'onns?" 

she nods. 

"stop the kaiju, with something we didn't have the last time we tried to stop them." vasquez says "that's all i know. i know what i know because i know you, i know your fighting style. and i was able to study danvers. gave me the ability to help design a jaeger for your specific fighting styles. but as for his actual plan?" vasquez shrugs "your guess is as good as mine." 

she punctuates the sentence with a yawn and looks down to their nearly full plates "we need to eat." she says "and we need to sleep, or else we'll both be late for the meeting." 

maggie nods her agreement and they tuck in, eating in contented silence for long minutes. it's only when they're both done and maggie has pirated the cleaning duties for the evening that vasquez asks, from her seat at the table "how'd you guess it was kara?" 

maggie smirks, forearm deep in warm soapy water "i saw them spar," she explains "when i was eighteen, still at the academy. watched alex danvers get dumped on her ass in the combat room by this kid." maggie explains, her back still to maggie "it's a hard thing to forget. plus," she adds "i was a detective back in blue springs, i detect." 

"you detect," vasquez snorts.

"like the fact that you and my aunt are facebook friends." maggie says as deadpan as she can mange. 

"ah," vasquez says and it starts to sound like she's to apologise, but maggie cuts her off.

"I'm kidding." she says "reyna told me. i-" she swallows, turning to look at vasquez, who's looking at her "i wasn't a very good friend, after tokyo." 

"you nearly died." 

" _you_ saved my life." 

vasquez gives a sort of nod-shrug combo and maggie presses "i'm sorry," she says seriously "for ignoring you." 

"did it hurt?" vasquez starts "yeah, i won't lie to you. but i understood that you were just doing what you needed to do after nearly dying." she says "i got it, i get it." 

"i'm still sorry." 

"and I forgive you maggie. and, i'm on your side." vasquez says.

it's appreciated, maggie knows.

[what she doesn't know is just how much it will help to have someone on her side come tomorrow]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now, finally, we have everyone under one roof, the fun is about to begin. 
> 
> y'all the response to this has been amazing, especially on the last chapter. to everyone who took and takes time to leave comments and send kudos my way thank you so so so much, they mean the world to me. and to everyone who reblog on tumblr, i also see you! thank you so much everyone :D 
> 
> i tag everything on my tumblr as #superpac!au, there's not much under the tag right now, but every so often i see a gifset that gives me ideas. 
> 
> please feel free to come shout about this au, or anything supergirl really, with me @[onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)
> 
> and this story comes to life with the continued nudges from @[bathtimefunduck](http://www.bathtimefunduck.tumblr.com)


	7. now - four - find someone else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but you, you notice most things about the way people interact with kara. always ready to step in, always ready to protect.

**shatterdome - anchorage , alaska**  
**april - 2022**

all you know is that there's a meeting. 

all you also know is that two active rangers and two previously active rangers arrived in the shatterdome within a day of each other. you know this because kara comes bouncing into your room like only she's allowed to. skidding through the door, closing it as gently as she can and you have to, have to wonder why letting her have that much ice cream last night was a good idea. 

but it's done and dusted now and she'll feel the come down eventually you're sure. instead, in this moment, you're rolling over, pushing the sheet and duvet down your body, eyeing her "what's up?" you basically mumble. 

kara's smile falters, something more serious slipping into place "james olsen is here." she says 

you blink. 

"the james olsen." kara says "is here." 

your brain catches up. your brain is doing the mental math because oh shit and oh woah and that is a man you've never met before. he's a man who worked with your father, who nearly died alongside your father. he's - 

and you realize it, 

kara's giddiness. 

kara's mood swing as she started to speak.

the man who used to drift with her cousin. the man who still carries her cousins memories. the man who knew her cousin best. 

no wonder she's excited. no wonder she's a little overwhelmed. 

"c'mere." you say, opening the blankets up and ushering kara inside. 

you lay in that space with her, not quite cuddling but not quite not cuddling. kara just laying in this space with you, soaking up your calm, speaking fast, but speaking soft "he-" she starts, twisting her head to look at you across the pillow "he knew clark." she says "he drifted with him. he-" 

he can answer all her questions. 

she swallows "i hope he stays." she settles on, sounding a little bit wistful, a little bit hopeful. 

you can't imagine what it would mean to her. what even one conversation could do for the gaping hole in her heart. 

[and sure, you have your own problems with clark - he _abandoned_ her with you. he left her. but now, now he's long since dead and maybe for kara's sake you can let those problems go] 

"i'm sure he will." you say, and you aren't so sure why you know that, or why you say it with such confidence. 

but you do, 

because there are three active jaeger rangers and three - four - inactive jaeger rangers in the shatterdome right now. 

not for a while, not since before the budget cuts, have there been so many rangers in one space. and despite your reluctance to count yourself amongst them, you do. you must, and to do otherwise would distract from the point.

the point that something is going to happen.

you can feel it growing, perhaps since the moment you saw red tornado being lowered into bay three. perhaps since last night, when you heard kara talking to someone and ducked your head out to see maggie sawyer standing there. 

standing in a doorway with a bag slung over her shoulder and a curious expression on her face. 

you'd done a double take. 

a pause. 

because woah. 

because maggie sawyer is a goddamn hero. the sole survivor of the second destruction of tokyo. she piloted a jaeger solo. you know one other person to have done that and really, really kara's cheating. which makes maggie all the more special, all the more important because she's human.

[as far as you're aware she is anyway] 

and she piloted a jaeger solo, she felt the death of her partner and she kept going. somehow. 

you know vasquez was there. you heard the audio of their conversation, of vasquez walking sawyer step by step across the ocean, it was chilling. it was also impressive. and when you'd looked across the room to vasquez, who was standing with her arms folded across her chest,

you'd known she was good.

you'd known that before, but after hearing that, 

it was something else. 

she was something else. 

you trust her. 

it makes your head spin, the presence of sawyer, the presence of olsen and not to be forgotten,

red tornado.

lucy lane and m'gann m'orzz. 

badass in their own right. the best dual partnered jaeger in the world. one of the highest kill scores in the world. impressive by all accounts and, apparently, not your biggest fans. 

you don't know what it is, but yesterday, it felt beyond jet lag. it felt more than just 

'we've traveled across an ocean in a series of cargo planes' 

and more like 

'we don't like you specifically' 

which is unsettling. and you're not sure why. 

you've only ever met them once. once upon a time when you taught a first aid course at the jaeger academy. once upon a lifetime ago really. and back then they were kids, hell you were barely eighteen. barely anything more than wide eyed and a newly minted ranger still. 

your paths haven't crossed since. 

they've been in russia for the past, well, 

the past ever you think. 

part of some trade deal, a show of good faith. 

you were just glad that your ticket wasn't punched to head there. not that alaska is much better, but it kind of is. 

"we should get food." you say 

kara nods next to you and you frown, taking in the way she's already out of her pajamas "you already ate." you half accuse. 

kara just beams "i was hungry." she says "but i can always eat again." 

"i know you can." 

"plus," kara says "there's that meeting." 

ah yes, the meeting. 

the vaguely titled meeting that had been sitting in your calendar for a couple of days now. told by j'onn of it's happening and now you have this sense of foreboding in your stomach. something you can't quite push away, even as you climb out of bed. 

kara opts to stay in bed, in the warmth while you change. and she's looking up at the ceiling, speaking towards it, but for you 

"i don't know how to ask james." she says "about clark." 

you consider that, pulling a black long sleeve over your head "start by introducing yourself." you say "just start slowly with it. he might want to talk about him with you." 

"it's not - i don't." kara sighs "what if he doesn't know who i am?" 

you turn around to look at her, one foot up on the couch, lacing your boots "kara." you say 

she buries her head in the covers.

you abandon the shoe and walk over, one boot on, one foot bare and kneel down. you can tell that the initial excitement has worn down, has faded and now the nerves are growing. she's thinking and overthinking and so much like you in that respect "kara." you say again, say quietly.

you wait until she pulls down the covers, looks at you like she's not twenty, like she's twelve and the world is too big, too much "kara i'm sure if you ask, he'll tell you about your cousin." 

kara swallows "are you sure?" 

you nod. james has a reputation, even if he exists only in shadows these days. doing work for the council, for shatterdomes and wherever he's needed. but never talking to the press. not after tokyo. he has a reputation of being good. of working hard. 

you think, you suspect, he'll talk about clark. 

but you understand why kara is nervous. she's never had access to this information before. it's always just been on paper, or in old test videos. never someone who knew him well, knew him best. 

"come on." you say, standing up, grabbing your other boot "i need to eat, and you need to get out of my bed." 

"i need to eat too." kara says, and preparing to go out into the world, around other people, you can see kara's walls come up, the divide between kara your sister and kara the pilot of zor-el is stark. 

[you remember when she told you the name she was going to chose. 

the way she twisted her hands and looked around and she was so nervous, so scared. you remember how her voice had cracked when she'd said 

'there's no one on the planet who will know what it means anyway.' 

besides you. besides eliza. 

but you could see how important it was to her, the way she gave her family name to her jaeger. you'd told her it was a great idea.] 

kara is out the door before you are, down the stairs, into the cafeteria, and you're just trailing behind her. 

the room is crowded and loud. you see the same faces you've seen for years. you do your best to put names with faces, to connect the dots of the people in this place, but sometimes it's hard. 

you have a tray full of food that looks empty next to kara's overloaded tray, and are looking for a place to sit. there aren't many options, not really, and your eyes settle on a table occupied at one end by some loccan guys, and the other by m'gann and lucy. 

you make eye contact and there's a moment, a half second where you get the distinct impression that you're not welcome there. 

it feels like high school all over again. 

you need to get to the bottom of that.

but not right now.

not where kara's hand is on your elbow and she's tugging you towards another table. a table where winn is sitting and the open bench is still warm from their previous occupants. you're distracted sitting down, 

you're not quite thinking about the conversation at hand - kara and winn debating the merits of investing in solar powered jaegers versus the researching into wave energy - caught in your thoughts. 

they meander, wander until you feel kara tense and you're shaken to the present, where james olsen is walking your way. he's got a tray in one hand and a messenger bag over his shoulder and the seat next to winn, across from kara, may be the only open one left "may i -?" he asks, gesturing. 

"yes." kara says, perhaps a little to quickly, but someone had to speak because winn looks a little star struck "go ahead. it's all yours." 

james sits "thanks." he's says. 

"i'm kara." kara says "this is my sister alex, and that's winn." 

you give a wave, winn pulls himself together and holds out his hand. you watch them shake. 

"james." james says, then looking down at his plate "the food is just as bad as i remember." 

kara laughs "i think they try." 

winn hasn't quite found his words yet. but you see the way james' glances keep coming back to kara, not quite staring, not quite looking away. kara's oblivious, caught up in her own racing mind you're sure. but you, you notice most things about the way people interact with kara. always ready to step in, always ready to protect. 

not that she needs it, but also, oh how she does. 

"so," you say "what brings you to alaska?" 

james, between mouthfuls and a sip of coffee, says "just bringing some old research down." he explains, again, this half look to kara "for j'onn." 

that's interesting. 

"what kind of research?" kara and winn ask at the same time. 

james hesitates, like maybe he thinks he should have lied instead "old stuff." he says "from the mark one days." 

your father. 

your fathers research. 

you must make some sort of expression because james looks across at you, and kara's hand comes to your knee under the table. james says "your father was a great man." 

"thank you." you say, with as much control as you can find right now.

"i've got some photos somewhere." james says "if you want to take a look at them one day." 

"i'd love to." you say, and that's true. 

you would. 

and you feel kara's grip on your hand tighten, you feel her prepare to ask the question, but then winn is cutting in, 

winn is looking at his watch that you think is perpetually broken except for this moment, and he's saying "it's five to." 

and 

"we should get going." 

"oh," kara is saying, her voice tense and a little bit too high "right. the meeting." 

"i think we all have to be at that." you say, looking around the table, and everyone nods "winn." you say "why don't we take everyones trays." 

perhaps it's a bit obvious and maybe kara is sending you an alarmed look, but you ignore it because she needs this. and the only way she'll do it, is if she's comfortable around james. and that only happens if winn isn't there and you're not there. 

"oh," winn says "yeah, sure." 

and kara kicks you under the table, but she'll be fine and she'll thank you later and you're basically dragging winn away from the table "what's all that about?" he asks, looking at you, then over his shoulder where james and kara seem to be talking, standing up and moving away from the table. 

"james olsen." you say, sigh "rode with clark." 

"oh." winn says "oh, _oh._ " 

there it is. 

winn knows. he knows that kara and clark were cousins and he knows that kara is an alien. despite your protests about the latter, someone had to be read into the matter and it may as well be one of kara's best friends. and one of the smartest people you know - 

not that you will ever tell winn that. 

but he's smart and kara trusts him and he's brilliant when it comes to a lot of things. sometimes. sometimes he blunders, but he's always kept kara's secret. 

"and she -" he starts 

"she wants to talk to him about clark." you confirm.

"that's deep." winn says 

"yeah," you sigh, walking down the stairs to the room j'onn specified for the meeting "it is." 

sublevel one is mostly meeting rooms. or really empty roosm except when they're being used for team meetings, or quick naps, or as a rendezvous for people too lazy to make it to their bunk. today though room 14 is professional. 

the door is open and stepping into it you see far more people than you expect and yet you're not at all surprised. 

at the head of the table is j'onn. to his left is vasquez and to her left maggie sawyer. a few seats down kara and james are sitting a seat apart. you notice how kara keeps glancing at him, and he looks her way - like the both of them would rather be elsewhere. 

on the other side of the table are lucy lane, m'gann m'orzz and a loccan officer you vaguely recognize. 

you take a seat between kara and maggie. 

"mr. schott," j'onn says "the door if you will." 

winn closes the door behind him and j'onn stands "i'm sure you're all vaguely aware of the people in this room. but for introductions sake," he looks around, starts with vasquez "susan vasquez, loccan officer. maggie sawyer, ranger for abyss, former." 

you're next, but what you're caught on is the staunch disapproval across lucy and m'ganns faces that flashed as maggie's name was called. which is interesting, which means it's not just you they don't like. 

"alex danvers, former ranger for dark storm. currently working in the loccan for zor-el and conducting research. next, kara danvers," j'onn says, holding the pause for a moment "the ranger for zor-el." 

no one seems surprised, except perhaps james. but he masks it well.

"james olsen needs very little introduction. and winn schott is r and d, as well as loccan for zor-el." j'onn says "and to my right we have lucy lane and m'gann m'orzz, our pilots for red tornado and otto levi, their loccan contact." 

there's a moment of nodding and half waves and you notice that m'gann is abjectly refusing to look at you. 

"now," j'onn says, sitting down "you're here because you're the best at what you do." he pauses "we are losing the war with the kaiju and in three months, in three months we will be overrun and our world lost." 

your science.

"how do we know that?" lucy asks from across the table. 

j'onn looks to you, to kara "i'll let alex danvers explain," he says "the research is primarily hers." 

you nod, looking to lane and m'gann, and then to everyone "it's math really." you say "the kaiju have always come through the breach at a consistent rate. and extrapolating from that, we were able to deduce that within three months they will be coming through the breach everyone four minutes." 

"what's the math?" m'gann asks 

"do you want me to walk you though it?" 

"i'm only asking if it's sound." m'gann says "that's a big claim to make just because you plotted some data points." 

you throw your shoulders back, preparing for this fight. but j'onn cuts you off "the math has been verified by an independent mind." he says 

which, you have no idea what that means, but it shut's m'gann up. 

"it's sound." 

"so we have three months to end the war." maggie says from next to you. 

lucy lane barely manages to mask her eye roll. but you see it. and maggie sees it. you know because she tenses, because her jaw clenches and she doesn't say anything. 

it's grating on your nerves, the holier than thou attitude of the two women across the table. the way they seem to carry some issue with you and maggie both. it's subtle, but it's there. 

not that you're sure what the two of you have in common. not right now anyway. 

"i have a plan." j'onn says "a way to end the war with the kaiju for good. and you are all here to help with that." 

"what's the plan?" kara asks 

"the plan is to attack the breach." J'onn says "like we did years ago, but this time our science is better. our weapons are better. our fighters," he looks around the room "are much better. we will not simply drop a bomb into the ocean and watch it sink, watch it bounce. not at all. this time we will go down to the gates of hell ourselves and drop the bomb through the breach. and we will do it before may. before we lose the world for good." 

there's silence, he has the room captivated. the floor is totally his. 

"i said before, you are all here because you are the best." he looks around the room, surveying you, each of you, "and if we are going to end the war with the kaiju before they end us, i'm going to need each of you." he says "the plan is simple. we are going to take a bomb down to the breach, a nuclear bomb, and put it into the breach. this is a three jaeger operation." 

and you were not prepared for that. although, you figure, it explains the presence of james olsen and maggie sawyer. it makes sense, two of the best in the world. two of the best in the world who are still alive. 

j'onn continues "zor-el and red tornado are here for exactly this purpose, and a new jaeger. a mark six," he says "named dismantle." his gaze settles on maggie sawyer "will be piloted by maggie sawyer and alex danvers." 

the room goes cold. 

you heart stops. 

you replay his last words in your mind because 

what?

your entire body is stiff, you can feel kara's foot on your ankle, but it's not enough to ground you. it's not enough to stop the words from spilling out of you 

"no." you say, shaking your head "find someone else." 

and for a moment you feel like that's all that needs to be said. 

"that didn't sound optional." come's lucy lane's voice, and next to her, the barely perceptible twitch in m'ganns jaw, like she's clenching it "that sounded like an order." 

you look across the table, you meet her gaze, then you look to j'onn "find someone else." you say 

"danvers," j'onn starts. 

but you're standing. 

"i can't." you say firmly. 

and your stomach is in your throat. and you're running. 

you haven't run away before - always towards, always - but this, this you'll run away from. you have to. you've got no choice. you can't get back in a jaeger, j'onn knows. j'onn remembers. 

j'onn was there the last time you tried to drift. the only time you tried to drift after nearly dying. after feeling death reach for you. it was an unmitigated disaster that ended with kara dragging you from the drift, kara shielding you from everyone, from yourself. 

in the empty hall of sublevel one you can breath, you stand, pressing your back against the wall, breathing quiet, breathing slower. you intertwine your hands behind your head. you force yourself to breath because on multiple levels you're embarrassed. 

that was, 

leaving was, 

[embarrassing] 

you shake you head. 

you hear footsteps down the hall, coming closer, 

and it's kara. she stops in front of you, seeking your gaze "alex," she says, voice low, voice soft. she puts a hand on your hip, "hey," she says "you're okay." 

you nod. it was, perhaps an overreaction. but getting into a jaeger, you simply can not do it. you've failed once. you can't fail again. not for something like this. not with someone's life on the line. 

"he-" you start "he should have told me." you rasp. 

for that would have made this better. you could have talked. you could have told him no, no, no. you could have done a hundred things and maybe it would have ended better. perhaps not. 

either way you ran out of a room full of jaeger pilots. 

either way you're angry and it's not fair because if only you'd been given warning. 

kara nods, her touch soft, her voice sympathetic "i know." she says "i know, and he knows." 

you look at her, she seems mildly abashed "i may have," she swallows "i-" 

"he's the marshall." you tell kara.

she shifts "but you're my sister. he shouldn't have told you like that. it wasn't okay." 

[it was always kara who held you through your nightmares. who let her strength be your strength.] 

you're in the hallway, leaning against the wall with kara in front of you when it happens.

when the red lights flash and voice erupts over the sound of the klaxon 

_"kaiju through the breach, codename whiplash. zor-el to bay zero two. red tornado to bay zero three."_

you look to kara, she looks to you. 

the panic of a moment before is slipping away. 

there are the sounds of footsteps, running, 

it's time for work. 

[you don't notice how maggie follows you all the way to bay two - she could have gone anywhere, but she follows you]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> never fear, i will get around to replying to all of the lovely comments from the last chapter within the next couple days, but it's pride and i'm working so while i don't have the time today - tomorrow for sure. 
> 
> thank you thank you thank you to everyone who ever leaves a comment or a kudo, they always make my whole damn day. 
> 
> please go check out [bathtimefunduck](http://www.bathtimefunduck.tumblr.com) because without them this story would never have made it past chapter two. 
> 
> as for me, you can find me @ [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com) where i'm always looking to chat about supergirl, take prompts, or generally interact. 
> 
> cheer y'all.


	8. now - five - grab the tongue, you said.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the last seconds they will have of being themselves, of being two individuals for in moments time they will become two halves of a mighty whole.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**  
 **april - 2022**

the klaxon blares and it's a shot of adrenaline straight to lucy's system. she knows that call, they all do. she has a half second to take in the straightening of j'onn spine, the tension that ripples through maggie sawyers entire body and the way james olsen seems to perk up. it's only winn schott who beats anyone to the move. 

he's on his feet, towards the door by the time lucy and m'gann are standing. that is, at the very least, impressive reaction time. 

it's lucky, or perhaps intelligence, that each shatterdome's layout is a carbon copy of the original - of this one. so as the group storms the halls, it's easy for m'gann and lucy to breeze past winn, to get up, up, up, through the bowels of the building to bay three. 

when they get there, 

hearts are pounding, 

blood is rushing,

adrenaline is racing through each of their systems. 

and j'onn j'onzz is right behind them. he's slipping a comm into his ear, speaking first to it 

"mr. schott," he says, "double deployment, i want zor-el out first." he looks to lucy and m'gann, who are standing as layer after layer is given to them.

he waits until their helmets are on, until they're standing and waiting for orders, to speak "zor-el you are to hold the miracle mile." his gaze shifts to lucy and m'gann "red tornado, i would like you to engage. make the kill." 

"yes sir." they say in unison, and they don't have to be in the drift to feel the rush of excitement at the prospect of this their being their kill.

in front of zor-el besides. 

they walk into the head of their jaeger, a quiet space, a dark space as the door slides shut behind them. this is the last seconds they will have of being themselves, of being two individuals for in moments time they will become two halves of a mighty whole.

otto's voice is familiar through the comm's, settling in their ears _"how are we feeling?"_

"red tornado ready and waiting." lucy says, looking across to lucy, and both of their eyes are wide, they're focused, excited - this is what they train for. 

this is what they live for. 

these moments. 

the quiet in the calm of the oncoming storm before otto says _"engage drop."_

and they know it's a matter of seconds before their stomachs rise in their throats, and the long drop down is their moment of centering gravity. wherein it's not a moment to be enjoyed, for these two it's a last moment to calm, to center, to focus. 

this is work. 

they're here for a job. 

_"release for drop."_

and then they're falling. 

down, down, down. 

the first time they dropped to couple, m'gann was almost sick into her helmet. lucky for them both, she wasn't. 

but it was close. 

today there is no such feeling. 

_"coupling confirmed."_ comes otto's voice.

and they wait. 

they're waiting.

"what's the hold up?" m'gann asks, her breathing even and controlled. 

_"zor-el is leaving hangar now."_ otto says _"prepare for pilot-pilot protocol."_ he says 

and there's a pause, a final breath and then the hangar slips away. 

they're in the drift. 

a space that's theirs. as unique as their bunk in vladovostok. here m'gann can feel the swell of memories strong around them. and she's not surprised, lucy wavering on the edge for the briefest of moments. m'gann can practically see her leaning forward to touch them, those memories racing by like leaves caught on an invisible current. 

times and times before they're stood here, and never before has m'gann been so tempted by her own memories. they, not the rush like lucy's, present as more a steady flow, a steady beat of temptation because in them m'gann can hear her parents voices. the rare moments of happiness in an otherwise turbulent household. 

a walk along the beach on a summer august day in twenty thirteen. 

one of the happiest moments of m'ganns life. 

the bright light in the sky, in her dreams, that was no light at all, but a train, 

and in return she was left a wreck. left chasing fading memories in the night and yet here, here they are bright, they are potent and oh god they are so real. these memories, here, here m'gann could see their faces. 

but in the distance, 

away from the river of temptation, she can hear the klaxon and she steps back, she stands tall. she forces the word from her lips

"breathe." m'gann says 

lucy straightens, they come back to the jaeger, their jaeger "breathing." 

"breathing." m'gann echoes, knowing full well lucy can feel every thought in her head, their collective mind. m'gann knows that later, after this is over, after they've washed the blood of a kaiju away from their minds, and checked over red tornado for damage, they will talk. 

or rather, lucy will comment and ask and m'gann will resist and resist until she can't any more because lucy _knows_ her. right now, lucy is her. and she is lucy. 

it was weird as shit in the beginning. 

_"red tornado, kaiju, codename whiplash headed straight for the coast. ready to move out."_

and being rolled out, taking that first step into the ocean - it's like taking a breath of fresh air. out here they are unstoppable, no memories, fears of family or failure plaguing them. here they are the best. 

except, of course, for zor-el. 

zor-el who taps into the comm system and says "i'll be in the back, if you need me." 

"copy that." lucy says "feel free to step in if you get bored." 

she has the distinct feeling that this is a performance review. the whole world knows what they can do, but seeing it from the inside, being inside the loccan like j'onn currently is, that's a whole different story. it brings a level of pressure that they should feel.

but they don't. 

instead, they're walking, wading, swimming out to meet the kaiju. they pick their place when otto says _"kaiju ten clicks out and counting down, prepare for first sight."_

and the he falls silent. 

some jaegers like the countdown, the steady reminder that the danger is coming, is coming. but over the years lucy and m'gann found that silence was their preference, except for the running thoughts in their head. a conversation never shared with anyone. 

the tension builds as the seconds tick on until finally, 

finally, 

it erupts from the water. 

it is a category four of epic proportions. 

for a moment, breaths are caught in collective chests. j'onn watches from the loccan, otto sits at his desk, fingers hovering over the keyboard, his jaw slack. from behind, a kilometer or so away is zor-el and kara,

kara hear's winn in her ear, she hears him say 

_"you might want to get a little bit closer."_

because red tornado is great, and skilled and the best paired set of pilots in the world. 

but this, the beast that's finding its footing in the shallows, the beast that's the legs of a t-rex, huge and clawed and monstrous, but the body of something more, something worse. and the head, a lizard's head, a mouth that gapes open and a barbed, poisonous tongue snaps out, cracking like a whip through the air. 

kara feels entire entire body bracing, thrumming, this is what she was made for. these encounters, but then there's j'onns voice in her ear _"easy zor-el."_ he's saying _"they deserve a chance."_

and that means hang back, 

but it also means hang close. 

it means be ready, 

be alert. 

and kara is. 

but not more so than red tornado. not more so than lucy and m'gann who cursed simultaneously and assed the options as quick as they collectively could. 

"tongue." lucy says, a little breathlessly and m'gann smirks, but she doesn't have time for a smart comment because 

tongue, 

is exactly the problem. 

that barbed tongue is heading straight for them.

"we have to take that the hit." m'gann replies "grab it, slice the damn thing off." 

"you want to grab that thing, go for it." lucy says as they bob and weave a particularly close call with said appendage. 

"i'm open to other ideas." m'gann says. 

"what's wrong with blasting the daylights out of it?" lucy replies. 

"you should do something," comes kara's voice across the comm. and she isn't so much telling, as suggesting, as reminding that this beast is facing off across from them and is huge and hulking and there are so many claws. 

"grab the tongue," lucy says "i'll blast the shit out of it." 

"compromise." kara says across the line. 

"yup," m'gann says, shifting the torque, flexing her hand, bracing and waiting and then --

god that _fucking hurts_

m'gann decides that this was a terrible terrible idea because now this is tug of war. they've got one hand, one wrist, wrapped in a barbed tongue with a poision that isn't so much poisioning, but making everything sloppier. but letting go isn't an option. but blasting it isn't either because they're being hauled across the ocean floor despite planting their feet. 

"grab it lucy," m'gann is grunting, through the pain. 

and lucy does. 

and the pulling halts. and the beast is groaning and howling through it's open mouth and it seems like they're at a standoff until the damn thing 

flexes. 

it flexes its tongue and the barbs sink deeper into their hands and 

"motherfucking, grab the tongue you said." lucy grunts, digging their heels into the ocean floor, gripping the damn thing tighter. 

"kara-" m'gann is starting, 

but she doesn't even need to finish the call because zor-el is already there. 

zor el is precision aiming and a blade that slices the tongue clean off. that allows red tornado to let go of the barbs, to watch them sink into the water, but now the beast is angrier. now whiplash is in pain. 

and they both face off against it, ready, 

ready. 

the ensuing seconds are chaos. it bleeds into a full minute of fighting, hits being taken, hits being given. and it's coming to an end, 

they're winning. 

sure, they limping and gasping and in pain, but the kaiju is dying and they're doing it together. 

so m'gann unloads the clip. 

she unloads the clip, but doesn't hear kara yelling in time. she doesn't quite register the position of zor-el and the first plasmacaster shot buries itself in the kaiju, but the second, it barely misses zor-el. 

even the force of it is enough to send zor-el stumbling back, the grip on the kaiju neck relinquished. and god, this happens, it happens, it's happened before so it's not new. 

but this is zor-el. 

zor-el who's her chest canons open, who's shouting into the comms to get down, get down, get down. 

so red tornado does. 

they do. 

and the kaiju dies, falling into the water and casting tidal wave out in all directions. 

it leaves red tornado to stand, to open the comms and for m'gann to say "are you okay? kara are you okay?" 

and kara replies after a beat "i'm good." and "let's get back." 

so they do. 

and m'gann looks across the space to lucy because the kaiju is dead so it should be a win, but it feels like they failed. somehow, it feels like they failed. nearly shooting zor-el??? 

"that was so stupid of me." m'gann groans. 

"we're in this together," lucy reminds her "either one of us should have seen her." 

"guys," kara says, across comms m'gann didn't realize were still open "it happens." 

her voice is calm, her voice is gentle. 

her voice is everything that alex danvers is not when they disembark. and god that, that takes what feels like forever. m'gann is angry with herself, embarrassed for making such a goddamn rookie mistake. and she tops that off with this, development, the lure of the drift become stronger and stronger everytime she steps in the jaeger. 

so when alex danvers rounds on them, eyes a blaze saying "you shot at my sister." 

and 

"what were you thinking?" 

m'gann doesn't have the time. or the energy. 

she just, she doesn't. which means when alex danvers is coming at her, the first reaction is to fight back. and if her body didn't ache, she would swing, but instead she stands tall, she prepares to rip alex danvers a new one. 

except there's lucy. 

there's lucy stepping forward, cool and calm and ice in her voice saying "i don't remember seeing you out there danvers." 

and then kara, kara who's cradling an arm close to her chest and is masking pain in her eyes, steps forward. between alex and lucy "it happens." she says firmly "with-" 

and m'gann knows what kara is about to explain,

[how teams of jaegers need to train together first. but they didn't and it showed and m'gann burns] 

but alex speaks first, before kara has the chance. 

and alex danvers, stands tall, she stands angry and she looks lucy right in the eyes and says "from that performance you didn't see much of anything." 

but lucy doesn't take shit from anyone, especially not someone like alex danvers. 

"you think you're so high and mighty danvers? let's see you in a jaeger, except wait, you won't. so you have no room to talk." 

and lucy says something that sounds like coward and kara is suddenly strong and tall and not at all looking like she just fought a kaiju, helped kill a kaiju. she's turning to alex, who's finding a response, she looks to alex and says calmly, firmly "alex i'm fine. i'm okay. go take a walk." 

which somehow works, and it's a relief to see alex danvers leaving the room. but then kara is turning on them, and that left arm is back to being cradled and m'gann's eyes snap down to it, then up at kara and kara looking at them with something like anger in her eyes. 

but her words are calm, steady, firm "she's my sister." kara says "she's protective." she adds "and you don't know her, or what she went through when she was a ranger." there's a warning edge to her voice now. 

the silence lasts, kara holds it, the entire room does. m'gann doesn't know what to say because kara's words are truth. but also, what she went through, it shouldn't matter. they're soldiers. they're still soldiers, there's still a war to be fought. but m'gann, nor lucy, know how to say that to kara, to someone who still fights the fight. 

the silence weighs on until finally, kara speaks and she says "that was a good kill." but her voice is worn, the exhaustion of the event finally hitting her. 

"eh." m'gann says 

"it had a tongue with spikes." kara says "and you grabbed it." 

"we did good." lucy says, a hand on m'ganns forearm "i don't know about you, but i want a shower." 

m'gann takes the out that it is and kara agrees with an exhausted nod "and potstickers," she says, voice descending to a mumble, looking over her shoulder at j'onn.

"we'll talk tomorrow." he says "you're all dismissed until then." 

which is good because m'gann can feel her legs shaking and she leans into lucy as they walk back to their bunk. lucy doesn't speak until the door is closed, until m'gann is laid out on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. 

"i don't want to talk about it." m'gann says, trying to abjectly beat lucy to the impeding conversation. 

"i know." lucy says, sitting down next to m'gann, cross legged and leaning back on her hands "but you know you should." 

"alex danvers is a prick." m'gann bites. 

"she's protective." lucy says, and continues despite m'gann's raised brow "but, she's never done dual jaeger combat, she-" lucy sighs "you know what i mean. and we both know that's not what's at the root of all this." 

"we're not talking about the drift." m'gann bites "there's nothing to talk about." 

"i think we both know that's not true." lucy says. 

for a long while there's silence. and lucy waits, because she's patient, and this is m'gann. eventually, m'gann rolls and adjusts and her head is in lucy's lap, looking towards a wall when she speaks next. 

"you wouldn't get it." m'gann whispers "everyone is still, everyone's still alive for you." 

"that doesn't mean i can't listen." 

"what's the point, you know everything in my head anyway." 

"there's a difference between me just seeing your thoughts and you talking about your emotions." lucy points out quietly. 

m'ganns voice wavers, she has her eyes closed, her hands pressed against her face "i'm forgetting what they look like luce," she says quietly, heartbreakingly "i can't remember their faces." 

lucy knew this, of course. she'd felt the thoughts in the drift, but there is such a difference in feeling the thoughts and hearing m'gann say them with the weight of what it means laced into every syllable. 

"m'gann," lucy say as gently as she can, but what can she say? when her own family, no matter how strained, is only a phone call away. 

"what happens when i can't remember them at all? and it's all, they're all right _there_ in the drift. it's torture, i-" she shakes her head. 

lucy runs a hand down m'ganns arm, stroking softly "you know i'm here for you." lucy says "you know you're not alone." 

m'gan sighs and rolls, eyes closed as she tries not to cry "they're my family luce, i - how can i forget their faces?" 

lucy doesn't have an answer, but she does have actions. she has coaxing m'gann to the couch and knowing that showers can wait because right now curling up on the couch is important. holding m'gann as she cries, unable to stop the emotions for long. she has stroking up and down m'gann back and turning on the tv when m'gann starts to nap after crying herself to sleep. 

it's not much, and lucy hates that she can't understand, that she can't help m'gann in some way. but all she has is all she gives to m'gann. and she does it willingly, every time. 

later while m'gann showers, lucy finds kara at their door with a worried expression on her face, but they don't speak to it. kara comes bearing potstickers and pizza and a movie called big hero six because apparently she wants company and they need food. 

lucy doens't ask about alex, but m'gann does. it's a biting question, but kara says that alex is, 

out. 

whatever that means. 

but the three of them, in a state of food coma, seems to have calmed m'gann. seems to have allowed her to forgive herself for almost but no quite shooting at zor-el. which is more than lucy could have done any way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, hello, hello! 
> 
> i promise, the first thing i'm doing after this is replying to all of the lovely reviews I've had for the past two chapters. 
> 
> also, in a couple of days i am making a transpacific flight and moving back home, that said, things are going to be pretty hectic for me over the next handful of days. i have the next four chapters written and i'm hoping to make it five by the end of today. 
> 
> so here's what i'm going to do, if i can finish the chapter im currently working on, i'll post another chapter tomorrow. then i'll more than likely be gone for most of the weekend, and early into the week - all things depending. but that's more or less my plan. 
> 
> if you want updates on how that part of my life is going, or have any interest in sanvers slash director sanvers, head on over to my tumblr [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)
> 
> also, [bathtimefunduck](http://www.bathtimefunduck.com) gives me endless encouragement and help when it comes to making this story happen.


	9. now - six - self aware alex danvers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maggie does not think about the way she wraps her arms around alex and the way their bodies press together. and she's got to be imagining the way that alex's body seems to relax into her grip. and maggie should be scared about the patches of ice and snow, 
> 
> but alex isn't. 
> 
> and maggie trusts her in this, or else she wouldn't have gotten on the bike in the first place.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**april - 2022**

when alex rears up like she's ready to punch lucy lane, it's not just kara who reacts. it's maggie as well. maggie who spent the entirety of the fight focusing not on zor-el, or even red tornado, but on alex danvers. on alex who held the loccan with such command, but also with none of the stoicism maggie expects from j'onn. alex's emotions were plain across her face then, and they're plain across her body now. 

anger. 

hurt. 

the waves of fear that ripple beneath all of that. 

but kara is already there, kara who stands tall and strong and diplomatic despite it all. 

[it isn't that friendly fire is okay, it's that it happens more than the jaeger program would like to admit. it's that when you throw together two fighting machines, three people, like that, it's bound to get messy. the kaiju is dead, that's the big deal] 

and it is kara who turns to alex and tells her, with serious eyes and even more serious words and a gentle, gentle touch, that she's okay. and she tell alex to go for a walk. 

and alex does. 

maggie watches the protest rise in alex's eyes, and then it falls. impaled perhaps, halted by the words of lucy lane. the taunt, the tease, the whatever the hell it is that's got red tornado's crew clenching their jaws and suppressing their sighs. but it seems like kara's got this handled, it seems that the younger of the danvers sisters has a diplomatic streak a mile wide. 

and anyway, just like during the fight, maggie is distracted by alex danvers. 

she's distracted by alex danvers walking away, and putting a hand on the doorframe and pausing, waiting, and then going. and no one will notice if maggie leaves, no one really knows what to do with her it seems, so she follows alex. 

she slips out the door and sees alex go not up, towards the bunks, but down. so maggie follows. she trails and it's easy in this place because people still part for her, despite whatever expression is on her face. but for maggie they barely even blink. or, well, some of them recognize her and she catches people yanking friends out of the way, and whispers seem to rise up in her wake, but that's not what maggie cares about. 

she cares about alex who is slipping through a door maggie didn't even notice existed. and it's strange, maggie knows this. it's strange that she's shadowing alex like this. that she followed her into zor-el's loccan, and that she's following her now. 

but god, 

someone has to. 

so maggie does. 

and maggie steps out though the door and immediately finds herself slammed against it with a forearm pressed against her throat and alex in her face. 

but this close maggie can see that her eyes are shining, that she's taking unsteady, uneven breaths in the wake of all that's just happened. maggie can see the enormous amount so control alex is exerting over her body, her emotions "you following me?" alex asks, forearm pressed but not quite as hard against maggie's throat.

"was." maggie says and she rasps just a little bit "after what happened," she starts, the words still barely catching against alex's arm against the column of her throats. 

"what happened..." alex parrots, sighing, dropping her arm and turning way from maggie "i need a fucking drink." she says, turning to look at maggie "you coming?" 

maggie considers, then nods "sure." she says

and maggie expects to be taken to some dark corner of the shatterdome. she expects to be taken to a basement or alex's lab, and for a cabinet to be unlocked and for hard liquor to be pulled out. maggie expects a number of things and any of them seemingly more plausible then alex pushing through a door and stopping next to a ducati. 

maggie doesn't swoon, she doesn't, 

but she does. 

and she looks at alex, who's grabbing a helmet and tossing it her way. there's a spare jacket that's miles too big and must be for kara, but maggie slips it on anyway "where we headed?" she asks as alex hands her a set of thick leather gloves. 

so when she answers alex is swinging a leg over the seat and settling down, she looks back towards maggie "to get that drink." she replies "you been on a bike before?" 

maggie visibly rolls her eyes, has she ever been on a bike before? 

maggie slips the helmet on and settles behind alex "please danvers." she says, just loud enough for alex to hear her. 

"just checking." alex says, kicking the bike into gear.

maggie does not think about the way she wraps her arms around alex and the way their bodies press together. and she's got to be imagining the way that alex's body seems to relax into her grip. and maggie should be scared about the patches of ice and snow, 

but alex isn't. 

and maggie trusts her in this, or else she wouldn't have gotten on the bike in the first place. 

\--

the bar they go to is small and dark and warm. which they both need, stepping through the door into the universally recognized space of a bar. with a long counter that stretches across one wall and a smattering of tables and high tops and there's music playing. it feels so goddamn normal that at first maggie is relatively overwhelmed by it all. 

it reminds her of being home for the first time, 

not just waking up to pain and nightmares and the frantic confusion that comes with not knowing where you are. 

no, 

maggie is reminded of when she felt the last of the jaeger world slipping into her shadows. the lull in her life between tokyo and applying to the blue springs police department. where she woke up at four am and worked the fields and the animals and let the sun seep into her bones because you don't realize how little of it you get until you're outside all day long .

this bar feels quiet and homely and well loved. 

and it's not riddled with p.p.d.c. just locals, locals who look at alex with a nod and wave and the bartender is already sliding what must be alex's regular starter across the bar. he looks the maggie and she gestures for another. 

it's bourbon they're drinking and maggie watches as alex throws the first shot back fast and her eyes linger shut and maggie follows, but doesn't flag for a second. she lets alex do the honors on that alone, but stops her venture for a third with a well timed order for two beers. 

they move to the back of the bar, where the shadows are longest and the music is quietest and maggie realizes that alex is still in full p.p.d.c. regalia. they both are. so they practically melt into the shadows and alex is holding her beer and god, 

maggie realizes the woman is shaking still. 

and it's a dilemma because maggie wants to ask gently what's wrong and she wants to help because she gets the feeling that no one else has tried recently. but maggie can also read people, and she can see that alex was surprised enough that maggie followed her. 

[the dull aching along the back of her head is a testament to that] 

and alex was probably surprised more when maggie knew how to lean into the turns just enough, but not so much. and now they're sitting here, and maggie want's to help because alex is sitting she still looks equal parts angry and shaken and then alex takes the first step instead of maggie by saying 

"i threw you into a wall." she says 

and it sounds self deprecating. 

"i wouldn't say you threw me, danvers." maggie replies, and she follows the remark with the ghost of a soft smile in alex's direction. 

alex looks across the table at her "i threw you into a door." she says "for following me." 

maggie shrugs, "i've had worse." 

alex raises an eyebrow "do go on." she says dryly "you seem intent on distracting me," she waves her hand "distract." 

maggie takes the challenge, takes a breath "so i was in guatemala and..." 

maggie finishes the story by slipping out of her jacket and rolling up a sleeve to show alex the scars across her bicep that prove her story. they're nasty, two deep slashes across her bicep. long since scarred over now, but to the trained eye, and even the untrained eye it's easy to see how these wounds ran deep. maggie watches the way alex's eyes widen in surprise, the way alex's eyes flit from the scars, to maggie's face, and then back down to the scars. 

she doesn't say anything at first, just downs the rest of her beer and gestures for two more. 

maggie's still nursing her second. 

[someone's going to need to take them back] 

"that's a good story." alex nods, when she's had a long sip of the second beer "but i've got better." 

the story isn't really better, not by maggie's standards any way. but she cuts alex credit because it's got to be hard to keep entertained when you're surrounded by the land of ice and snow and polar bears. at least in panama city, and tokyo after that, there were always things to do. food to eat, sights to see. 

out here it's just, grey. 

eventually though, and another beer later, alex is falling quiet and she's twisting her hand like she doesn't know what to do with it. which tells maggie, detective that she almost was, that alex's mind is returning to the shatterdome. to the events of the day. 

so she asks, carefully, probing slowly because they're in public, but this seems far private than alex could ever find in the shatterdome "do you always run zor-els loccan?" 

alex looks up to her with a gaze that's only the least bit unsteady and with a grip that tightens around the sweating neck of her beer bottle "of course." she says 

"you're good at it." maggie concedes because that's true, it's so very true "heard you were a good ranger too." she adds, because why the hell not. 

alex's eyes flash and she sits up straight and she levels a look at maggie that reminds her that alex danvers probably trains in a gym seven days a week because there's nothing else to do up in snow country "no offense," alex says pointedly "but i'm not looking to get into a jaeger any time soon. so if you came with me to try and pursaude me, you can drop it." 

maggie laughs because the thought hadn't actually crossed her mind, she has the feeling that no one persuades alex danvers to do anything - except perhaps kara "don't worry," she says casually, as causally as she can "i'm not exactly looking to jump back in." 

which isn't technically a lie, 

technically. 

"so it's settled." alex says 

"sure," maggie plays along, "it's settled." 

it is not settled. 

and they both know it. 

maggie lets the silence hang, let's it grow and grow because she can tell that alex wants to say more, has more to say and eventually, alex finds the words. and maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the private in public space they've found, maybe it's the fact that they're supposedly drift compatible, or maybe it's nothing at all, but alex says, looking just past maggie 

"i tried to drift again." she says "i tried it, with kara, even though she was going to pilot zor-el." alex laughs harshly, darkly "i nearly blew the wall out of bay three." 

"so it didn't go well." maggie says "it doesn't go well for lots of rangers, that's not-" 

but alex cuts her off, alex says "but i'm not just another ranger." she says and from anyone else it should sound unbearably cocky, it should sound arrogant, especially coming from someone who hasn't piloted a ranger in years. 

coming from alex though, the declaration sounds like a wish, like she wishes she could just be another ranger, part of the crowd, part of the masses "my sister, she's," alex gestures and it seems uncharacteristic to have lost her words mid-thought, but maggie waits and maggie is patient and alex settles on "my sister is a genius." and "my sister pilots solo. and she needed me in her loccan." 

which sounds like a cop out. 

"needed you," maggie says carefully "past tense." 

"she still needs me." alex bites at once.

"but maybe not in the loccan." maggie points out

and alex looks at her, expression nearly unreadable in her eyes. 

nearly. 

but maggie was almost a detective in record time, she detects, she's good at reading people, reading situations and she knows, she can tell how deep in her own head alex is. hell, she'd even guess that alex knows what maggie is going to say next 

"maybe she needs you somewhere else." 

"you think i should get back into a jaeger." 

in for a penny "yeah danvers," maggie says "i think you should." and perhaps it shouldn't sound as aggressive as it comes off, but it does and maggie continues on, despite the way alex's eyes flash dangerously again. 

maggie notices the way alex's spine stiffens, the way her shoulders are thrown back. 

who is maggie to act like she knows alex? 

maggie doens't care, she's here and if alex danvers doesn't get into a jaeger, then maggie never is. so maybe it's for alex's benefit, but it's also for maggies "i think you want to protect your sister. but where she's going, where she and red tornado are going to go? you won't be able to do shit from the loccan. it's going to be up to red tornado to protect your sister." 

"please." alex snorts 

"they idolize her." maggie says 

"and hate me." alex sighs "and you." 

"which is not the point," maggie says, but also it is "we can talk about frosty the snowbitches later." 

"frosty the snowbitches?" 

"I mean they are direct from vladivostok." 

alex laughs, she drains the rest of her beer and maggie braces for alex to order a fifth, 

but the call never comes. instead, alex leans back in her chair, she runs a hand through short cut hair and looks at maggie "you want me to get back into a jaeger." 

it's not a question. 

"why?" but that sure as hell is. 

what happens next is a gamble because maggie still remembers gabe's words

_"she's a fucking sociopath, she shouldn't be in a jaeger._ words shouted across a jaeger bay. 

worse was shouted, the private parts of maggie's life laid on display for the shatterdome to hear because gabe wouldn't keep her mouth shut. because gabe didn't want to keep her mouth shut, instead she wanted to hurt maggie, 

so she had. 

but this, sitting in the bar, with alex danvers across from her, it feels different. it feels raw, and vulnerable because alex didn't have to invite maggie. alex could have decked maggie the first mention maggie made of the jaegers, or kara. 

but she didn't. 

instead she listened and she was hostile, but she didn't snap. 

so maybe maggie yields a little as well. she traces her fingers down the wam beer and she says 

"because according to you we're all going to die in three months. according to j'onn we only have one chance to stop it and i quit my job to come back here and try to save the world. so i want to get back into a jaeger, even though it scares the hell out of me danvers. you know what happened the last time i was in a jaeger?" 

alex knows. 

"my partner died. i nearly died. so i get it, i understand everything you're feeling. but you have a stake in this as much as i do, more so because that's your sister. and i've known you for what, twenty-four hours, but you look at her like she hung the moon and stars, and alex, i know you want to get back into the jaeger. i know you want to do more than stand in the loccan and watch your sister risk her life and -" 

"you don't know me." alex spits, standing at once "you know nothing about me." 

but alex has had more than a few drinks and when she stands, there's a moment where maggie thinks alex is going to do one of two things 

storm out of the bar 

or 

fall over. 

instead, alex does neither. she sinks down into the chair with a huff and a glare and she folds her arms across her chest and she's sitting there just glaring at maggie. and maggie is thrown because she was expecting more than this, but self aware alex danvers knows she too intoxicated to go anywhere gracefully. 

so she's sitting down across from maggie with her arms folded across her chest and breathing in slow, deliberate breaths.

"you're right." maggie concedes, once she's sure this is the space to continue the conversation "i don't know you." she says "but i know you care about your sister. and I know you want to protect her." 

"and the only way to really do that is get back in a jaeger." alex says, not sounding pleased about it at all.

but saying it out loud is a step, maggie thinks, a step towards getting alex into a jaeger again. 

"i'm not saying you have to do it now." maggie says 

but alex looks across the table at her "except we have three months to try and end this war. that's not all the time in the world." 

"it's not," maggie says "but it's time." 

alex sighs, shakes her head and doesn't look at maggie "you're probably right." she says and even with that sentiment, maggie knows whatever comes next isn't going to be good "but i almost got kara killed the last time i road with her." 

maggie take a breath, grips her beer and says firmly, steeling her emotions, trying not to remember joshua's dead eyes, or the way the blood seemed to come from everywhere "except the last time i road, my partner died." maggie says "and i couldn't do anything to save him." she says, looking directly across at alex "are you scared? yeah. we all are. but the kaiju are coming whether we're scared or not. it all comes down to where you'd rather die? in the loccan, watching your little sister fight for the planet. or along side her, trying to save the world?" 

alex has nothing to say to that. 

and maggie wishes she could down the rest of her warm beer in one gulp, but she can't, so she doesn't. instead, she sits in silence until alex says quietly "we should head back." 

and maggie nods, prepared to ask for the keys. 

but instead it's alex who slides them across the table. again with the incredibly self aware alex danvers. magie makes no comment as she takes them, as they stand. as alex walks to the bar and gets a pint of water and downs it with practiced gulps. 

they get on the bike and there's a moment where it's obvious alex is tense and hesitant and she says, voice for gruff than she probably means 

"better not crash my bike sawyer." 

maggie laughs, looks down at it, back at alex "have a little faith there danvers." 

alex doesn't say anything to that, just wraps her arms around maggie's waist. and maggie does her best to ignore what that does to her body, she focuses on the road, on the night and the silence. 

getting back is easy, parking the bike and slipping off it, that's easy. turning to watch alex stand there, back to maggie, hanging the keys back up, putting her jacket back on the hook, feeling whatever it is that alex doesn't want to say, that's much harder. 

and maybe on a different night, alex would have spoken her mind then and there. maybe on a different night she would have let the alcohol loosen the words from her throat. 

but tonight ends differently then that. 

they've taken one step inside the building when alex tenses. when she hand, her arm jets out and stops maggie in her tracks. something's off and maggie doesn't hear it at first. 

but then she does, boot clad footsteps. lots of them. 

"what?" she starts, but alex shakes her head, grabs her arm and yanks her through a side door. 

"i don't know." alex hisses, shaking her head as they go up and up and up the stairs "i don't know what's going on." 

"could it be a drill?" 

alex looks at maggie over her shoulder "what kind of drill involves-" but alex stills. 

she stills because she hears something.

and that something, is a someone. 

that someone is kara. 

her voice is unmissable and maggie sees the tension ripple across alex's body. they pause behind a door, and they're both listening 

"i don't understand." comes kara's voice "you're arresting us for what?" 

and alex's head snaps up, she looks at maggie and this, 

it's the first unspoken communication they have, because alex asks 

_do you have my back_

and maggie nods 

_i've got your back._

so alex emerges from the stairwell and the scene is three men surrounding kara. one with cuffs, two with guns leveled at her. it's kara looking small and worried and scared because those cuffs may not glow green, but they're still followed by the words 

"you're under arrested for illegal action taken inside a jaeger." 

but the door is being slammed open and alex is striding out and she's saying "hey you, get your hands off my kid sister." and maggie doesn't have time to analyze the pros and cons of what they're about to do. she just does, she back's alex's play. 

alex is across the room before one of the guns has time to say "stop right where you are." she's using his own gun against him, smashing him in the face, sweeping his leg out from underneath him. maggie is too buys handling her own gun to notice when alex knocks him unconscious, or when kara dismantles the one with the cuffs. 

maggie does notice the way maggie snaps the cuffs off her wrists and her eyes go wide and she's breathing hard. but there's no time for commentary on that fact because alex is turning directly to her little sister, she's running her hands down kara's arms, looking into her eyes "are you okay?" she asks

kara nods, but her voice is unsure "i don't know what's going on. they've got j'onn and vasquez and lucy and m'gann, and everyone." she finishes, "they're arresting everyone alex." 

alex pulls kara into her arms, taking a moment to reassure as kara leaning into the contact, her voice calming "i just ran, i didn't know what else to do." 

"you did the right thing." alex says, turning back to maggie who's got a gun in each hand, holding one out to alex. 

"you know how to shoot, danvers?" 

"please sawyer." alex says, taking the gun into her hands and looking over at maggie. 

"what's the plan?" maggie asks 

alex looks to kara, swallowing hard "get away." she says and it's carried out like a coded message that maggie doesnt understand "don't go home." 

but what could home be, maggie doesn't have time to wonder, kara doesn't even have a chance to flee because doors are being slammed open. men with guns and p.p.d.c. patches are streaming in. alex stiffens at once, she steps deliberately between the guns and kara. 

if maggie thought alex was tense before, it's nothing compared to the steel that shoots straight into alex's posture when a man maggie recognizes as general lane steps in. 

"put the guns down." he says, with the air of a man who's used to getting his own way. 

alex doesn't move. 

maggie doesn't move. 

kara isn't breathing behind them both, but her hand is on the small of alex's back. it moved there when lane stepped forward. 

"don't worry," lane continues "you're all under arrest." 

"what for?" maggie asks because alex looks to angry for words. 

"illegal actions in regards to the jaeger program." lane says "the jaeger program was eliminated three weeks ago. any actions taken there after and in violation of the p.p.d.c. code and everyone is subject to court marshall." he pauses "now, put down the guns." 

maggie swallows hard, they're outmanned, outgunned but she waits for alex's action. 

"danvers," comes a voice from behind lane, 

j'onn j'onzz, casual as can be, relaxed as can be. hands cuffed behind his back, walking up the stairs with a blond woman maggie doesn't recognize "danvers," he says again "put down the gun. sawyer, you too." 

alex does. 

maggie matches her. 

but alex stands her ground in front of kara, even as men with guns storm forward and it's kara saying calmly "alex, i'm okay. i'm okay." 

and it's maggie getting her hands yanked behind her back and the sharp metal of cuffs digging into her wrists. and alex looks far more sober than she was an hour ago, but she's fighting, fighting because kara is being dragged the oppposite direction and maggie doesn't understand anything that happened in the last five minutes bar one thing 

do not mess with kara danvers. 

because if you do, if you arrest her and try to to drag her away with even a hairs more force than alex thinks you should be using, 

alex danvers will come at you. 

hands cuffed behind her back, alex danvers will break the noses of both the men frogmarching her from the room. and she will dismantle the men by her little sister. and she will stand there, breathing hard, knowing what's coming, knowing it's about to hurt, but right before the taser comes, 

she says,

"you don't touch my little sister." 

it's inspiring. 

and a little stupid. 

maggie flinches as alex hits the floor, her own head spinning. 

she didn't miss the fact that the jaeger program was apparently been debunked for three weeks. but she doesn't know what to do, what to say. 

she's cuffed, she's clueless, and she's dumped into an empty room, still cuffed, with a groaning alex danvers deposited next to her. 

"what'd they do to her?" comes a not entirely unfamiliar voice. 

maggie turns to see m'gann sitting against a bare wall, hands cuffed in front of her "tased her." maggie says, shifting and groaning as she turns to tend to alex. 

"ouch." m'gann says dryly. 

"where's lucy?" maggie asks, her fingers press against alex's neck checking for a pulse. 

"daddy dearest dragged her off." m'gann says darkly "why'd they tase danvers?" 

"they dragged kara off." maggie says, alex is breathing, which is a good sign, her muscles still twitching and tensing "they weren't gentle." 

m'gann nods, sighs "good for her." she closes her eyes "i don't suppose you know why we're arrested?"

alex groans on the floor, shifting slightly and she bumps into maggie touch "the jaeger program." she says "they ended it." 

"well shit." m'gann says "so we're arrested and out of jobs." 

which really just about sums it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have the next six chapters of this story written, so i'm more than comfortable putting this one up for y'all to enjoy before i'm offline for the weekend! the next update should be monday-ish, all things depending. 
> 
> i have a feeling this is a chapter many of y'all have been waiting for, please let me know what you thought - kudos, comments, etc are all more than welcome. 
> 
> as always, this story wouldn't be possible without [bathtimefuckduck](http://www.bathtimefunduck.com)
> 
> and if you want to come shout with me about supergirl, hit me up at [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)


	10. now - seven - emotion based event

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part of you wishes they could know the truth, so they could understand why you're panicking that an organization designed to defend the planet against aliens has your sister in custody. but they can't know, not yet, not until the moment's right.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**  
**april - 2022**

it takes you long seconds to put anything together. 

longer than it should have, but the world is a little fuzzy, your head is pounding and trying to shift makes your wrists scream. it's too much sensation with not enough answers, and then there's the touch,

someone's hand feather light on your neck. 

it makes you jerk. or rather, you try to jerk away, but that makes your wrists explode in protest and something's wrong with your muscles, they won't quite listen to you. you start to panic, start trying to piece together why you're feeling like this, why, you realize, why are your hands cuffed behind your back?

"danvers." a voice is saying, a familiar voice and you force your eyes open. 

maggie sawyer kneeling next to her, hands cuffed, but resting lightly on your arm "danvers." maggie says again "alex, look at me." 

you do, because maggie is calm and she probably has answers and you've got to assume it was her fingers at your neck. checking a pulse you think because "was i tased?" you ask, mouth very dry, head hurting very much. 

maggie nods. 

"and we were arrested." you add, it's coming back to you now, in bits and pieces. 

"bingo." comes a new voice and you shift, starting to sit up, to turn and see who's speaking, but maggie's hand comes to your shoulder. 

"easy there danvers." maggie says, pushing you back down "you were just tased," like you need the reminder "that's m'gann behind you." 

oh great. 

"where's kara?" you ask, because that particular memory comes slamming back into you. 

the reason for the tasing. 

kara being dragged away, kara in handcuffs, kara's voice trying to tell her that she's okay, she's okay, but sounding so, so damn scared despite herself. that had tripped something in you, her fear - because kara doesn't often sound scared. not in public, not around people. 

in private, sure, when it's just the two of you.

but in public? no. 

you blink quickly and try to clear your head "where's kara?" you ask because it's damn clear that kara isn't here, and if she's not here you can't protect her. 

that circular thinking is winding you up, building you up to this state of anger and panic because you promised to look out for her. you promised to keep her from harm and now, now she's in the hand of the p.p.d.c., some of whom know her secret, the real secret. and they could be doing anything to her. 

anything. 

"alex." maggie is saying, "alex if you keep moving you're going to shred your wrists, let me help you." 

you still, you force a sense of calm into the moment - and it comes easier when you look at maggie. her cuffed hands skate down your arm, a trail of goosebumps in their wake, and you feel maggie's hand come to your hip "you just-" she starts 

"please," you say as lightly as you can "this isn't the first time i've been handcuffed." 

and it takes a moment longer than it should to work your arms around your legs, but then maggie's hands are at your back and she's helping you to a sitting positing. up like this, the world spins for a moment and you close your eyes - which doesn't help and your body is protesting and all you can think of is kara.

what you wouldn't give to have her superhearing right about now. 

"they roughed you up pretty good." m'gann says, and she almost sounds impressed, tinged with what could be construed as worry. 

"they have my sister." you say, voice rough, forcing your eyes open and you want to shake your head, but you can't. rather, you shouldn't, because even in this position your muscles are screaming, your body is screaming. 

you'd rather lay back down again.

you'd rather close your eyes and let the aching fade into the back of your mind. and honestly, you'd not be conscious, but, you can't. 

not with the oncoming signs of a concussion "they didn't need to be so rough." you say, meaning with kara.

"she'll be okay." maggie says, sitting sitting next to you still, all dark eyes and concern. 

you see where the cuffs are biting into her wrist a little too tight, and you know it must hurt. you know it's passive aggressive retaliation against her standing by you. 

which counts for a lot. 

the way she followed your lead. 

part of you wishes they could know the truth, so they could understand why you're panicking that an organization designed to defend the planet against aliens has your sister in custody. but they can't know, not yet, not until the moment's right. 

"you on the other hand," m'gann says. 

you look up at her "what?" you bite. 

m'gann remains passive to the aggression "it's cool, what you did." 

"she's my sister." 

"and lucy is mine, but i didn't jump four guards with my hands cuffed behind my back." 

"probably because she's a lane and they wouldn't dare rough her up." maggie points out. 

"you'd be surprised." m'gann replies 

"oh?" you ask, curious. 

m'gann sighs "it's not my stuff to tell." 

"so why isn't she in here with us?" maggie asks, the words aren't pointed, but it's clear that she hasn't forgotten that attitudes of earlier. 

"they dragged her away," m'gann says "that's all i know. hopefully she's wherever kara is." 

"yeah," you agree, that would be something, anything. 

"i feel like," maggie says, "we're not talking about the fact that apparently the ranger program was disbanded." 

"what's there to talk about?" you ask, although you're just as lost as the rest of them. 

"that j'onn didn't say anything?" maggie says 

"or that be brought us all here?" m'gann pauses, looks between them "tried to drag you two out of," she pauses again "retirement. but if the program was going to be shut down then why bother?" 

you sigh, they're valid points, all of them are and you know it. what you don't have is answers. you like to think you know j'onn, but recent events make you reconsider. and so this whole situation, you look around the room, this mess - with hands cuffed and kara somewhere and the entire shatterdome under apparent lockdown, 

it's a little out of left field actually. 

"maybe he had a plan." you say 

"maybe he pulled a nick fury." m'gann says and maggie laughs quietly, quoting 

"i recognized the council has made a decision," she says "but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, i've elected to ignore it." 

you have to laugh with them, because j'onn would say something just like that, and he would create a rogue plan to save the world. you let out a breath "you could be on to something there." 

"i'm glad we're one step closer to solving that mystery." maggie says, turning to look at you "how's your head?" 

"fine." you say, despite that being utterly untrue. 

it is exactly less than fine, but that's not your primary concern. what is your concern is the edge of your conscious, the, 

you close your eyes 

"danvers?" maggie asks, but you hold up a finger without opening your eyes. 

you focus inwards, towards what feels like, well, ghost drifting. which means that kara's near by, or near enough that whatever distress she's in can reach out and touch your consciousness. and that means she's distressed, which means who the hell knows what. 

"she's going to pass out." you hear m'gann hiss. 

there's the sounds of moving, and you sense someone - maggie it must be, closer to you, 

just in case. 

you ignore them. 

you take a slow breath, calming yourself as much as you can - afraid that this connection could dissipate at any second. what you feel first is this immediate sense of relief, the tangible sensation of kara's consciousness, alive and present and it's something. 

you feel kara's thoughts. unlike ghost drifting in the same space, they're murky, the distance keeps them just out of reach. so all you can do - the best you can do, is be calm, is be strong, is repeat over and over again that it's going to be okay.

[you don't know if it's going to be okay, but you need kara calm, you need her safe, so you tell her it will be. that you'll make sure she's okay] 

when you lose the connection, when kara's consciousness is pulled away to something else, 

you're angry. 

the pain has receded to the back of your mind, and your body - well you're making it listen. 

"you want to tell us what just happened?" m'gann asks 

you take a breath, lean your head back against the cool of wall "kara and i we," you start, "we ghost drift." 

"still?" m'gann asks, obviously surprised "isn't it super rare." 

"not as rare as they tell us." you say "you remember what they told us at the academy, the stronger the bond, the better you fight," you quote "that applies to ghost drifting as well." 

"you and your sister are close." m'gann supplies. 

"she saved my life." 

it's not quite the whole truth of the matter, but it's a truth "and she's my little sister." you continue "but the drifting, ghost drifting, it's a proximity based event. or, an emotion based event." 

"emotion based event?" maggie asks, but it sounds like she already knows. 

"extreme emotions." you say, through gritted teeth "anything extreme." you clarify. 

"and no one here is celebrating." m'gann says 

you nod. you know they don't understand why you're so scared, why you're so worked up, they have no way of knowing. not really, not when it comes to the fact that to them, kara is just another ranger. 

she's an exceptional ranger, sure. 

but to them she's human. 

they have no understanding of the fear swelling in your veins when you think about the council dragging kara away, taking her away to some testing site, poking and prodding and _hurting_ her. 

they don't understand. 

[part of you registers that if you were to ever drift with maggie, she would know. all of you would be bared to her] 

you open your eyes again, you need to do something. 

you turn to and look at maggie, she's still lingering close, still watching you with concern "i need you to get my wallet out." 

"why?" she ask, cocking an eyebrow. 

"because these handcuffs hurt." you say "and i'm going to find my sister." 

"being tased wasn't enough?" m'gann asks, pushing herself to her feet "i want in on this escapade." 

"okay," maggie says and she stands, then holds her hands out for you to grab and at first you don't take them. you can stand up on your own thank you very much. 

until it turns out that you can't, because being tased is traumatic and your body is still aching and not quite compliant to yours demands. but maggie doesn't press, she doesn't grab your arm and haul you up, she waits until you lean into her touch, until you suppress an eye roll, but accept her help.

she doesn't let go right away either. if it were anyone else you might be irritated at the attention, that maggie finds herself some comfortably in your personal space. it doesn't grate on you though, instead, when you sway where you stand, her hands are the ones that come to the small of your back. 

"wallet, please." you ask her, wishing you could close your eyes, but knowing the room will only swim more if you do that.

maggie takes a step closer to you, so close you can almost feel her breath as it hits your neck. she reaches into your back pocket, the cool of her cuffs press unexpectedly against the small of your back and you shiver "got it," maggie says and you turn, trying to ignore the way your pulse skyrocketed at the sensation of maggie's hands along your skin.

you don't have enough brain capacity to think about it in all honesty, so you file it away for later, after, when this whole mess is sorted out. reaching into your wallet and hold it upside down. 

two parts of your lockpick set fall into your other hand. 

"you just, carry that on you?" maggie asks, with a raised eyebrow. 

"i'm officially impressed." m'gann says. 

"who wants out first?" you ask, and maggie is closest, so you turn to her first.

these cuffs aren't as sturdy as the ones they'll have on kara, but you're planning this out one step at a time. you just need to get kara out, get her away. let her get to something that's like freedom so she can escape. 

she has her powers, she can hide, can stay hidden until you, well - until you're free from this disaster. 

that's all you've got as a plan. and it's all you need. 

find kara, get kara safe. 

the end. 

everything after that is peanuts. 

on any other day, maggie's cuffs would click open and fall to the floor. today however, your fingers aren't quite cooperating, you arms are trembling and it's frustrating. 

how will you rescue kara if standing is a challenge? 

"let me," maggie says gently, reaching and taking the picking set from your hands. 

you let her take them. 

you sigh. 

maggie focuses her attention on you first, and she's not as quick as you could be, but she's confident. your body is waning, your head is pounding and you can't help but lean into maggie because holy shit, 

you hurt. 

it's like you went three rounds with a kaiju, and then got your ass kicked in the combat room. 

only worse. 

"steady, danvers." maggie says, her voice low and calm and quiet. she can't reach out like she wants, but she shifts her weight, she leans into you, leaning into her. 

"there." maggie says, with a small satisfied smirk "freedom." 

when your cuffs spring open, you see the dried blood and the not so dried blood. maggie wasn't kidding about shredding your wrists, the wounds sting against the open air. 

"you good for a moment?" maggie is asking, looking at you so carefully it almost makes you uncomfortable. 

you nod, wince, stop that motion and say "i'm good." 

you're not. 

you were tased half an hour ago and it fucking hurts. 

maggie steps towards m'gann and makes slightly quicker work of her cuffs before turning to her own "where'd you learn?" you ask, needing the distraction. 

maggie has her tongue between her teeth in concentration, and when her cuffs open, she looks up "i was a cop." 

"was?" 

"then j'onn showed up." 

and here you all are, the silence hangs. 

"so," m'gann says, breaking it after a moment "what's your plan to get through the locked door?" 

as it turns out, you don't need a plan to get through the locked door because it will be opened for you. upon some instinct, you all still and hear that there are voices approaching. you don't recognize them, not right away but m'gann does. 

"that's general lane." she says, voice low, voice hard. 

you stiffen, sway on your feet. 

maggie's hand comes to your forearm "play it cool." 

in another time you could explain how playing it cool and being general lane are mutually exclusive events. 

but this is not the time. 

maggie's hand tightens around your wrist and she says "you go after him and they'll shoot you." 

"i'm not stupid." you whisper 

"let's just see what he wants." m'gann suggests "then we can decide to kick ass?" 

you're not sure how much ass you could kick, but you're in it for kara, to rescue kara. 

the door opens. 

general lane walks in, flanked by two men, with guns. 

it takes everything inside of you not to spit out ' _where's my sister?_ '

you have to let him make the first move. 

"danvers," he says, looking directly at me "this way, if you will." 

"where am i going?" you ask, you don't move, you fold your arms across your chest because the last thing you are is scared of this man. 

are you worried about kara? 

yes. 

but hell if you're letting that man, the man who basically condemned your dad to death, see anything that could be weakness. 

"there's a meeting," he says "that you're to be privy to." 

"why not all of us?" you push 

general lane sighs "we will take you there by force, if we need to." he says, the threat blatantly clear. 

you notice the way maggie moves half a step in front of you. 

"go, danvers." m'gann says, the tension obvious in her voice "we'll be fine." 

maggie looks at you, and that moment of eye contact seems to stretch on. you nod, she steps back, her hand brushes against your forearm again. 

you take a step froward. 

two guns level directly at your head. 

you freeze. 

"hands behind your head," general lane says. 

you roll your eyes. 

"and what motivation do i have to attack you general lane?" you ask, keeping your voice as sarcastic as you can, because this man makes you ill. 

"i know the location of your sister." he drops. 

he's just trying to a rise. he's just trying to get a rise. you take a deep breath "and i can't get that from you if you're unconscious." you reply. 

you take another step forward and the guns lower.

you do not let out a breath. you let your shoulders slip back, your spine straightens. they let you out of the room first, out into the hallway and the door shuts behind you. you hear the lock click. 

general lane falls into step next to you "how's your head?" 

you don't answer. the lights are low and too many of them flicker. it means your head ache, and you feel your stomach turn, but out here you can't sway, or stumble. it's not an option. you grind your body forward with every step. 

there's a benefit, to having lived in this shatterdome for so damn long, you know every inch of it, one step into the hallway and you know exactly where you are. which means you can plan out exits and escapes and figuring out where to best get kara the hell away from here. 

and not, not thinking about punching lane, because you want to. oh you really do, but you don't - not yet. maybe the day will come. 

for this moment though, you keep that anger restrained. you approach the first sublevel and you freeze, you don't need to turn around to know that the guns are on you "i'm not going anywhere else until i see my sister." 

the barrel of a gun presses into your back. any more force and you could collapse, you feel it in your body - the protesting of doing so much work after the brutality of your evening. 

[the bar with maggie feels like eons ago, not a couple of hours] 

you don't turn, you don't even react to the threat. you're not giving them the satisfaction. 

"my sister." you demand, turning and looking directly at general lane. 

"after." general lane says. 

you shake your head "now." 

the barrel of the gun presses deeper.

you can only think of kara. you manage to stay standing for her and her alone, you're sure of it. 

"okay." general lane says, turning, walking down the hallway towards a door. 

you follow, anxious, eager, aching. 

he opens a door. 

you push past him, step into the room. 

kara is not here. 

instead, instead of kara, you see j'onn and a dark haired woman. she's got dark hair and impossibly green eyes and you don't recognize her. or rather, some part of you does, a distant part that's a little bit foggy at the moment. right now though, you whip around but the door is being closed and locked and oh you wish you could punch lane. 

"danvers," j'onn says, calm, collected. 

you turn around "what's going on? the jaeger program, cancelled? all of us arrested and they," you pause, look at the woman, who's studying you with a look of interest "they have kara too." you know he'll know what you're saying.

"alex danvers," j'onn says " meet lena luthor." 

you blink twice, lena luthor. you know the name, distantly, and you're staring at her for long seconds while you try and figure out why. you can't quite piece it together, not with the way you and your body seem to be two separate entities. not to mention the lights in here are too bright, too much "are you alright?" lena asks, looking up at you with concern.

you essentially collapse into a chair "fine." you say through gritted teeth, closing your eyes and taking a breath. in that moment, it comes to you, a file you read years ago. a sibling of the man who road with clark kent first, until lex went rogue. until he spouted about saving lives with a wall and, well, your details are fuzzy after that. 

you stare her down, she blinks once. 

"why is she here?" you ask, looking over at j'onn. 

"she," lena says, "is here because according to your calculations the world is ending." 

"how do you-?" you start "how do you know about that?" 

"i've been in contact with miss. luthor for quite some time." j'onn says. 

you sit down, you think of _'verified by an independent source'_ and realize too slowly that lena luthor is j'onns independent source. 

your head aches, your wrists are still bleeding and nothing is making any sense.

"j'onn," you say "the only question i really need an answer to is where's kara?" you look at him "this," you look over at lena "whatever this is, i know it's important, but i need to see kara." 

"i'm afraid we're all trapped in this room until the council hears us out." j'onn says 

you close your eyes, sigh hard, open them again "okay, okay." you rub your temples "what's the plan, what are you - we, being heard out about?" 

"a plan to reinstate the jaeger program." j'onn says "the problem is, the council has pulled our funding. they believe that a wall is, more effective." 

it's the stupidest plan the council has ever had. build walls? to stop monsters that rip through metal? stupid. 

"they're wrong." lena says "they're using science that was manipulated by my bother. but," she continues without a moments hesitation "my mother has the council twisted around her little finger. so the only way to stop the end of the world, is for l-corp to fund the jaeger program." she says

"l-corp." you repeat "because your mother is using your brothers science to convince them that shutting down the jaeger program is a good idea." 

it makes your head hurt more. 

"my brothers science was faulty." lena says 

"can you prove it?" you ask, voice not nearly as demanding as you wish it could be. 

"we have someone who can." j'onn says 

"who?" you ask.

the door opens, and walking through it, is the answer. 

lois fucking lane. 

and behind her, lucy. 

lois looks furious, but her eyes settle on lena's and she nods "lena," she says "nice to see you." 

"lois," lena says, smiling "nice to meet you in person." 

you turn to look at lucy, there's none of the confidence in her posture, she looks small, she looks conflicted "who are we waiting for?" you ask 

"my father." lois says, her voice cold "he's representing the council. you must be alex danvers." 

you nod "i'd stand but -" 

"you look like hell." lois says 

"i was tased." you reply 

"i saw." lois says. 

you don't remember seeing her, but there are still bit and pieces you're unsure of from the evening. so you look past lucy "are you okay?" you ask, she doesn't look okay. 

"fine." lucy bites. 

so m'gann may have come around, but lucy still hasn't. 

you close your eyes, the lights in this room are too fucking bright and you still, with your eyes closed it's easier to feel the brushes against your conscious. stronger than before, more powerful, more present. 

kara.

you steady your breathing, you focus inward, trusting at the very least j'onn to keep things together. 

wherever kara is, she must be much closer because her thoughts, they're less of a blur and more of a support, more a balm that curls around you. you let out a shaking breath and you feel kara's strength seeping into you. it won't last past this drift, past these seconds where you're strong and kara is strong and calm and you can be okay. 

you suppress a smirk, her thoughts like that, a haze of 

"it's okay. i'm okay. you will be okay." 

the door opens a third time, and your dragged from the moment because everyone everyone turns to look at who walks in and your blood goes cold. 

general lane. 

you want to hit him. 

you really, really do. 

you grip the table, looking as everyone sits down. j'onn and lane at opposite ends of the table, lena across from you, lucy next to lena, and lois next to her. 

"so," general lanes says "let's begin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty y'all here we go. i'm back stateside and not quite over the jetlag, but posting anyway. it would make my whole week if you let me know what you think of the story [constructive criticism is always welcome too!]. 
> 
> anywho, [bathtimefunduck](http://www.bathtimefunduck.tumblr.com) keeps this story going and you can find me onr tumblr at [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com) \- feel free to come shout about supergirl with me.


	11. now - eight - do it for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lucy's head is spinning, and it's lois' grip on her arm keeping her steady. she's trying to figure out what lois is saying, what it means in the grander scheme of things, but with her fathers silence and lois' rage, they're moving too fast for lucy to keep up.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**april - 2022**

there are things lucy likes, 

waking up to the smells of fresh coffee and scrambled eggs. free hours where she can work on her bike. facetime dates with her sister. those long winters nights where she and m'gann can devour two pizzas and watch movies until they fell asleep right there on the couch. 

there are things lucy doesn't like, 

the protein power bars the cafeteria keeps spitting out. cold showers. complicated emotions about alex danvers. cheesecake, and, 

newly discovered as of exactly three seconds ago: 

waking up to the door being kicked in, men with guns shining torches in her face and shouting things like 

_"put your hands in the air"_

and 

_"you're under arrest."_

it should be amusing that m'gann is still asleep. the girl can truly sleep through anything, except the kaiju klaxon, and the smell of pizza. lucy doesn't know how she does it, but it's impressive, usually. right now it is, well, less than impressive. m'gann is dead to the world, kara is no longer on the couch and lucy is confused as hell. 

"put your hands, in the air." a voice commands and lucy blinks, remembering that that was actually a phrase shouted at her with serious intention behind it. 

not part of some weird dream.

lucy tries to gauge the situation, and blinks slowly when she sees p.p.d.c. in white lettering across the front of the bulletproof vests. it tells lucy that her own side has stormed the gate, and is, apparently trying to arrest them. 

"can i wake her?" she asks, as evenly as she can all things considered "she's a deep sleeper." 

they don't threaten to shoot her, so lucy reaches over and shake's m'gann gently "hey," she says, shaking her a little bit harder and then tightening her grip around m'ganns wrist when she starts to shift "stay calm." 

m'gann groans, attempting to burrow deeper in to the sofa "stay calm for what?" 

"look up." lucy says, steady, calm, because m'gann - especially after a fight, is always exhausted and groggy. 

m'gann opens her eyes, catching the tone in lucy's voice, the grip that lucy has on her arm and she tenses. she shifts and turns and adjusts until she catches sight of the combat boots first, which sends her jolting upright, and then the men and the guns and the p.p.d.c. making it so obvious who they represent. 

"what the-?" m'gann starts and lucy's grip is the only thing that keeps m'gann from getting up, from sitting up quickly and violently and probably getting shot. 

"hands above your head." the leader of the team is saying, gesturing with guns. 

"jesus christ." m'gann says "seriously." 

"so serious they kicked the door down." lucy says grimly, lacing her fingers behind her back.

"no shit." m'gann says, and god she still looks exhausted. 

lucy feels exhausted, mentally, physically, and this is putting undo strain on her system. the adrenaline rush is covering most of it, as her hands are cuffed roughly behind her back and she's hauled to her feet, watching as the same is done to m'gann.

"what are being arrested for?" m'gann asks, adding, as she violently wrenches her cuffed arms from someone grip "and i can walk on my own." 

"you're being arrested for illegal actions in regards to the jaeger program." 

is the mono-tone reply. 

"well if that's not the vaguest shit." m'gann replies, and lucy looks across the room at her "what, luce?" m'gann asks "i'm allowed to be mad about getting arrested." 

and it's nice, this banter, it feels like the only thing they have control of in the situation, until the troop sent to arrest them split into two sections, four with lucy, four with m'gann and they're being taken wildly different directions.

"wait," lucy says, stopping, still "where are you taking her?" 

"need to know." again, a mono-tone reply. 

m'gann seeks lucy's eye contact again "i'll be fine luce." she says "so will you." 

and somehow it's m'gann's calm that gets lucy moving again, that allows her to be marched, barefoot, up the stairs at gunpoint. the entire shatterdome seems to be alive. people are being marched into the cafeteria en mass and lucy doesn't see anyone she recognizes. not that it's easy to through the mass of men with guns standing around. 

"this way," and lucy finds herself going up and up and then through some halls and it feels like a deliberate attempt to confuse her, but the joke's on them. 

every single one of these shatterdomes is exactly the same. 

the only thing these soldiers have really succeeded in doing is make her feet really fucking cold, and increase lucy's wish that she'd gone to sleep in a long sleeve. 

finally, she's walked into a conference room and lucy's stomach drops out. 

honestly, she shouldn't even be surprised. given, well, 

everything. 

in the reality of it, lucy is still a little bit surprised when she's walked into the room and her dad is standing, waiting it seems, for her. she freezes, barely in the door "you're behind this?" she says without even stopping for a greeting. 

"if you could uncuff her please." general lane is saying, speaking over lucy to the man behind her. 

it's not that lucy isn't grateful to be out of the cuffs, but she imagines that m'gann isn't getting her cuffs off. nor kara, or any of the others who she can only image must be in similar positions. nevertheless, she rubs her wrists and brings them in front of her. 

"what are you doing?" lucy asks as soon as the door is shut behind her, leaving just the two of them "illegal action in regards to the jaeger program, what does that even mean?" 

"lucy, calm down." general lane says, with the same air of command she watched displayed in front of the troops growing up.

"you arrested me." lucy spits, riding the adrenaline "and you want me to calm down?" 

"i want you to remember who you're talking to." and it's the closest her father comes to snapping. 

"and who am i speaking to?" lucy asks, arms folded across her chest "my dad, or general lane." 

"both." her father replies and lucy's heart sinks. 

"that's what i was afraid of." she sighs, shifting on her feet. 

"it doesn't have to be like this." he says "you're being unnecessarily hostile." 

lucy isn't sure what part of being arrested in basically the middle of the night wasn't supposed to make her hostile, but either way, she doesn't care. she's tired, she aches, she's worried about m'gann and she's honestly still a little hungry. beyond all of that however, she's facing off against her father in what feels like something they've both been waiting for. 

so lucy sits.

she has a feeling she's going to want to in light of what's coming. not that she knows, she just has a sneaking suspicion that she's not going to like it. 

"what illegal action did i commit?" she asks "did m'gann and i commit?" lucy corrects, knowing that m'gann isn't being afforded the same treatment as she is. 

"you rode in a jaeger." her father replies. 

"we killed a kaiju." lucy fires back 

her father ignores her "you rode in a jaeger, after the shut down of the jaeger program." 

lucy blinks, the shut down of the jaeger program? 

"so we were supposed to," she pauses, shakes her head, coming down off of the adrenaline has reminded her who she's talking to "what do you mean the shut down of the jaeger program?" 

"the program was shut down, any subsequent activity taken by a jaeger and its rangers is punishable by court mar-" her father is cut off as the door is slammed open. 

and of the people lucy expected to come striding into the room, her older sister looking furious, was not one of them. the fact that it's been some time since lois and her father stood in the same room speaks volumes, and it's clear that general lane was unprepared for this arrival. 

"how could you?" lois is saying, fixing her father with scathing look "after everything i told you?" 

lucy is confused, beyond confused, but also really, really glad to see lois. lois who is turning to lucy, putting a hand on her shoulder and looking down with concern knitting her brows "are you okay?" she asks, the fire in her eyes calm as she looks at lucy. 

"i- yeah, i'm fine." lucy replies, brain trying to make sense of what's going on because it's clear there are pieces she's missing. 

"why doens't she have shoes?" lois demands, turning back to their father "or did your goons just drag her out of bed?" 

it seems, for once, their father doesn't know what to say. something about lois like this has always rendered him a little bit despondent. as such, his continued silence is answer enough for lois "she's your daughter and m'gann, she's as good as." lois fires, "so what, you're arrested everyone? for stopping a kaiju from destroying an american city and god knows how much more?" 

"lois please -" 

"and you shut down the jaeger program? don't tell me it's on lex luthor's science." 

lois will not, it seems, be stopped. 

she shakes her head, she's not leaving her father a second to breath, and keeps going "when we talked i thought you got it, i thought you would go to the council and stop this," she gestures around "from happening." she lets out a breath "luckily, i suspected you wouldn't, that lillian would have you wrapped around her finger just like the rest of the council is." 

lucy's head is spinning, and it's lois' grip on her arm keeping her steady. she's trying to figure out what lois is saying, what it means in the grander scheme of things, but with her fathers silence and lois' rage, they're moving too fast for lucy to keep up. 

"so you're going to come downstairs in five minutes," lois says, "you're going out listen to what i have to say, what j'onn j'onzz has to say and you're going to agree." 

general lane stands himself up to his full height "lois, you are in no place to -" 

"oh i'm not?" lois says, her voice laced with steel and patronizing scorn, "i'm not in a position to threaten you? when i have evidence that you're pursuing a plan that will condemn hundreds, if not thousands of people to death?" 

"the science -" her father starts. 

"the science was faulty and you know it." lois cuts in "but it doesn't matter because i've got the evidence and if you're not downstairs, i'll go public. i'll tell the whole world what you and the council have done. see how much the world likes being told they're best hope is a wall." 

the threat is clear, the threat is delivered with a finality that lucy has come to recognize in lois' voice. 

"lois." lucy breathes, because even now, after the fights she's heard, lois' anger and her passion render lucy astonished. she's fearless. 

lois looks down at her "come on," she says gently "we're getting you some shoes, and here" she slips out of her blazer, slipping it over lucy's shoulders as she stands "you look freezing. "

lucy nods, thankful despite the protests rising in her throat, and stands. 

"you wouldn't dare lois." their father says, as if he doesn't know already that she absolutely would dare. 

lois turns "i lost one person i loved to the kaiju," her grip tightens on lucy's wrist and lucy knows she's thinking of clark "i'm not losing anyone else. not to your so called 'plan to save the world." 

and with that, lucy finds herself being lead out. 

once in the hall, once down the hall away from the father and his poison, lois asks "are you okay?" 

lucy nods, her brain still trying to catch up on what just happened "yes," she starts "I'm fine." she says and the reply feels automatic off her tongue "what are you, what's happening?" 

lois stoops walking and puts her ands on lucy's shoulders "you'll know everything soon, in the meeting." she says "whether dad shows up or not." she pauses and then pulls lucy into a tight hug "I've missed you." 

lucy melts into it "i've missed you too." 

and for a long moment it's just sister and sister. it's lois and lucy and none of their father infringing on the moment because at the end of it all, they have each other. they stand there for a long second, enjoying this moment together. 

when they break, lois nods, resetting herself "shoes first, then meeting." 

"i'm fine." lucy protests, sure her feet are cold, but she is fine. 

"i haven't seen you in how long? it wasn't ideal to reunite like this." lois says, an arm wrapped over lucy's shoulders "the least you can do is let me find you some shoes." 

lucy knows better than to try and argue with lois when she's like this, and it feels nice to have someone looking out for her, nice to have someone on her side. and sure enough, shoes are found. 

taken from an open bunk room and slipped on only after lois apologized for the smell. 

their next stop is the meeting. and lois, apparently familiar enough with the shatterdome to not get lost, leads them to a conference room. as she pushes open the door, lucy stays half a step behind her. she sees, walking in and letting the door shut behind her, 

a woman she doesn't recognize, but lois greets by name. 

j'onn, who seems incredibly calm all things considered. 

and alex danvers, who looks like absolute shit. 

"you okay?" danvers asks, voice rough. 

fine is all lucy has it in her to grunt back, but she takes in the bloody cuffs marks on alex's wrist before sitting down. she deliberately keeps herself as far from alex as she can. of the things she has the capacity for right now, snarling alex danvers isn't one of them. 

it's not a minute later when the door opens and general lane walks in. 

only lucy and alex tense. from lucy's point of view it looks like alex has to fight to keep sitting. not that she looks capable of doing anything too lethal - and lucy has to admit she's curious as to why alex looks like she does. 

"so," general lane begins, sliding into his chair "let's get started."

finally, a chance to get some damn answers. 

"you called me here." he says, looking directly to lois "care to tell me why." 

it isn't a question. 

lois smiles, unfazed by her fathers stance and says, "i'll let j'onn do the talking." 

everoyne's gazes shift to look at j'onn, who stands, nods "you're here," he starts, looking directly down the table to general lane "because you defunded the jaeger program, shut it down." he says "i, we," he looks to the collective rest of them "are here because the kaiju _will_ keep coming and we have a way to stop them that is better than any wall." 

"enlighten me." general lane says, arms folded across his chest. 

"you'll remember when the jaeger program was just getting on its feet, one of the first things we did was drop a bomb on the breach." 

"and it bounced." general lane says "we wasted forty seven million dollars on that." 

"but that was eight years ago general. a lot has changed. the plan is like this," j'onn says "a team of jaegers, the best of the best in the world, will take a bomb to the breach, they will deliver it through the breach if they have to and we will close the breach. our technology has advanced and getting the jaegers to those depths will not be a problem." 

general lane sighs, shakes his head "you're grasping at straws j'onn, where will you get the money to build such a bomb?" he asks "the council has already started funneling money into the wall project. and as you well know, the jaeger program was shut down three weeks ago." 

lucy stills, three weeks ago they left vladivostok, three weeks ago they started the trek over here. for an unknown purpose, and yet - she has to stop from shaking her head, she has to stop from losing track of the conversation. 

"that," j'onn says, with this air that he could be talking about the weather "is where lena luthor comes in." he says 

"a luthor..." general lane mumbles, eyes wide with surprise. 

all eyes shift to lena luthor, who, by lucy's guess, is the youngest person the room. not that she carries herself that way, from her posture, from cool gaze she sets upon general lane, lucy gets the impression that lena's been playing whatever game this is for a little while now. 

"l-corp is prepared to fund the jaeger program for the next three months." lena says, with a disarming smile and she continues without missing a beat "it's unfortunate that the council decided to defund what's been such a critical component of the planets survival, and we both know, general, that the science upon which such a decision was based, has no foundation in reality." 

the general doesn't quite splutter, but he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. 

"you and i both know, general" lena continues, her words sharp and clipped and somehow unfailingly polite as well "that you were provided that science by my mother. and that you were manipulated, whether you are aware of it or not, into doing her bidding. but," lena says spreading her hands on the table "lucky for you there's no need for the council to be involved. l-corp can provide the required funding and resources, no matter the cost. the council saves face, and the world gets saved." 

"you have no evidence that the science is faulty." general lane says, composure slipping from him. 

"she may not," lois says "but i do." and her voice is deadly calm. 

lucy stiffens, bracing for her father to say something, do something drastic, but he doesn't. 

"and you know what i have." she says "j'onn approached me, asked me how much of clark's research, how much of jerimiah danvers research into lex luthor i still had, and i have all of it." lois says "i kept, all of it. as much as clark had, as much as i could fine. he told me where to find it, if-" she takes a steadying breath "if he died, he wanted to make sure the world would know. he was scared, you see, lex was sure about the wall. so sure, but it was bad science. and clark knew it." she says "and he proved it." 

"so this is what it is," j'onn says, calm, but there's a firmness in his voice that's new "the council drops all charges against anyone in the jaeger program. you sign off on l-corp to fund the jaeger program and then you," he pauses, letting the moment draw out, drawing himself to his full height "can get the hell out of my shatterdome." 

lucy has never heard j'onn so angry, the switch was sudden, sharp and effective. 

"and if you don't," lois says, her voice is just as cold "lena and i release everything." she says "the cover-up of lex's faulty research, the implications of the council being bribed by lillian luthor. we'll tell the whole world that the the councils grand plan is to trap them, corral them and let them be killed en mass." 

lucy is, if beyond anything else, impressed. 

it seems that j'onn j'onzz knew this was coming and had his ducks in a row, had prepare perhaps the most fool-proof of contingencies. and had her father in a corner. 

[it's not that lucy is happy about it, really, it isn't. but there's something about seeing him without the power, seeing him being forced to do what lucy knows, what lucy believes is the right thing - that's refreshing] 

"you have given me no choice." general lane says, ignoring everyone in the room it seems, bar j'onn "as you wish." he says "but in time, when the jaeger program fails, the lives of the fallen rest on your shoulders j'onn j'onzz, you did this to them." 

and with that he stands, 

he leaves and a door is slammed in his wake. the silence is strong. 

lucy lets out a long breath, seeing lois do the same and to her other side, lena seems relieved. if the fractional way her shoulder drop can be read as relief, the girl is as hard to read as lucy has ever met. it's only alex who's leaning back in her chair with her eyes shut, that seems still very much not okay. 

"danvers," lucy says "you look a bit sick for someone who just got un-arrested." 

alex opens her eyes and looks over at lucy "i was tased." she says "your father's men tased me. you know how comfortable it is?" 

lucy stiffens, feels lois stiffen next to her but before either of them can say anything, j'onn is speaking, cutting the tension "there's a lot to get done, but that can be dealt with tomorrow." he looks around the room, "alex, lucy, check on the other rangers, make sure they're okay, and all of you get some rest. lena, i'll make sure you're shown to where you'll be staying and then i'm sure you'd like to get some rest. tomorrow you'll get shown the labs and meet everyone else." he turns to lois "thank you." he says "without you we'd all be in cuffs." 

lois takes a deep breath, it's been a long time since she's talked about clark "without you, we'd all be dead in a few months." 

none of them mention how that could still be the eventuality. there is no guaranteed success in this game they're playing, in the race against time. 

"alright," j'onn says "dismissed everyone. lena, lois, if you'd like to come with me." 

and perhaps it's intentional, so quickly leaving alex and lucy alone in a room together. perhaps it's not, but either way, after lois promises to come find lucy later, the door shuts and it's just the two of them. 

and well, 

this moment has been a long time coming, because alex danvers may have been tased and who knows what else, but she's sitting up straight in her chair, she's glaring at lucy and asking "what's your problem with me?" 

which, best not beat around the bush "my problem with you, danvers?" lucy asks. 

alex nods, sighs "since you step foot in this shatterdome, you've had a problem with me. and the thing is, some people don't like me because i hit harder than them, or i know a little too much about engineering for their taste, or just because i'm a girl. but you, we've never even met." 

lucy prepares herself, tries to find the way to explain what she's feeling "we met," she says "you taught a course on first aid when m'gann and i were at the academy." she keeps going "and you," it feels dumb as hell to say, but lucy says it anyway "you were everything i wanted to be as a ranger. but then you just, you vanished. dropped off the face of the earth, worked in the loccan for zor-el instead of getting back out there, instead of fighting. you left your post." 

and alex opens her mouth to argue, but lucy isn't done yet. 

"and it was understandable, really, it was. attack like that, almost dying. i get it, it's scary, it's what we signed up for, but it's unnerving. but then," she pauses "then i learned that kara, the best jaeger pilot in the world is your sister and i just lost respect for you." lucy is on a roll of her own, channeling her sister's passion into this "do you know why i became a jaeger pilot?" she asks 

"how could i?" she asks, looking pale. 

"i was in the army at first, that's what i wanted, the jaeger program was still getting on it's feet. but then, then my sister went and fell in love with clark kent and she's a journalist and she was in the thick of it. but never inside a jaeger, she ran straight towards the danger without fear, without anything, because it was the right thing to do. to make sure the world knew what we were dealing with. so when the chance came for me to get into a jaeger, i said yes. i seized that chance so i could go out and protect the world, so i could protect my sister." 

she pauses, "but you," she shakes her head "that's your sister out there. that's your sister laying her life out on the line every time she steps into zor-el. and you, you just let her. you stand in her command and say whatever it is you say to her, but you could be out there, you could be protecting her. and instead you're hiding, like a coward, in here. and i don't have time for cowards, not if i'm going to - not if the plan is to save the world." 

alex is left, momentarily speechless, whether it's from the aftereffects of the taser, or what lucy said, lucy isn't sure. what she is sure about is that there's a strong chance she might get hit, but alex asked and lucy isn't a liar. lucy expects there's a strong chance of alex never speaking to her again as well, but what lucy isn't prepared for, not entirely, is for alex to say simply 

"you're right." 

and lucy looks across at her because it's sounds like alex means those two words. 

but alex is looking away, alex is taking a deep breath and alex is saying with the voice of someone trying to be steady "i watched my dad die on television." she starts "the first battle of tokyo." she continues "the next day i left for alaska. and kara she, she was fourteen but they, the jaeger program wanted her. so, two-thirds into my training, they brought her up here. to alaska. she was fifteen. i've spent my whole life protecting her, and when i almost died in the jaeger, she had to save me. she piloted that jaeger on her own, saved my life." 

alex pauses, she hasn't talked about this before and laying it out for lucy lane wasn't exactly on her agenda of big things to do, but neither was getting arrested, or tased. 

so here she goes. 

"i failed her, i broke the promise i made to my dad." alex says "and i couldn't come back from that. haven't, come back from." 

"that sucks," lucy says "i- i've been lucky, i haven't almost died. i mean there have been close calls, but nothing serious. so i can't imagine what it feels like. but alex, we're, whether you like it or not, want to call it this or not, we're soldiers. you, me, m'gann and maggie and kara. we're all the world has between living and total annihilation." lucy pauses "we need you." 

alex looks across the table at her, surprise evident across her face "don't' give me that look danvers," lucy says "you're one of the best rangers in the world." 

alex blinks slowly "do it for kara, or do it for your dad, do it because it's the right thing to do. or," lucy says, standing up "do it because you know you can. do it for you." 

alex nods, her face a wash of emotions. 

"i'm not telling you to get into a jaeger today, right now, i'm just telling you _to_ get into a jaeger, eventually. in the next three months." 

alex stands, she doesn't say anything, and lucy takes that as not a bad sign. so she walks to the door, feeling lighter than she has since leaving vladivostok. alex is following her, walking slowly, like her muscles are still reacquainting themselves with her body and how they're supposed to work "why'd they tase you?" lucy asks, holding the door open for alex. 

"they were hurting kara." alex says, which isn't technically true, but isn't technically a lie. 

"good for you." lucy says and they both step out into the hallway. 

the hallway is noisy and filled with people, but there's a cry of "alex!" from a ways away and both lucy and alex are turning as kara appears from seemingly literal nowhere and pulls alex into a tight hug. 

arriving shortly thereafter are m'gann and lucy, both of whom are sporting various injuries. m'gann has the beginnings of an impressive black eye and and maggie has a split lip "what?" lucy starts, "what happened to you two?" 

"we got bored." m'gann says 

"decided to escape." maggie says, holding up a lock pick set. 

oblivious, the danvers sisters seem to be lost in their own little world, alex having pulled kara close into her arms, hands running up and down her back, kara with her head pressed against alex's neck. 

"kara came and found us, said something about the jaeger program being un-cancelled." maggie explains 

lucy turns and looks to kara, who's stepping back and saying "is everyone okay?" 

there's a general set of nods and then kara looks to alex and says "can we get food, i'm starving." 

alex laughs lightly and m'gann says "that's seconded." 

"third." maggie says. 

"alright," alex says "let's go eat." 

lucy catches m'ganns eye, who lingers back to fall into stride with lucy. 

lucy who wraps an arm around m'gann's shoulders and says quietly "lois is here." 

m'gann's eyes go wide, but she keeps walking "no shit." 

"hey," maggie says, turning and eyeing them over her shoulder "don't spill the beans yet. we all want to hear what happened in your super secret meeting." 

and so the truth comes out, over pizza and pot stickers that appear from the kitchen at kara's request. and they all settle on the fact that they're in this now, 

for better or for worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, hi, i'm sorry there was such a delay in getting this chapter up. being back in the states was a bigger transition than i was expecting and it's been difficult to get into the headspace for the superpac!au. that said, i've got plans on write another chapter tonight, and i'm going to get to all of your amazing comments and reviews. 
> 
> [first though, i'm going to the zoo] 
> 
> as always, it's bathtimefunduck who deserves the most praise and love because without them this story would have been abandoned when i was still in wellington. instead, i have the rest of the story mapped out and planned. 
> 
> and if you want to come talk about supergirl with me, check me out at onefootone on tumblr. 
> 
> i'm planning on bi-weekly updates for this story, ideally tuesday and friday. with today being a bonus 'y'all have waited nearly a week and deserve this' type deal.


	12. now - nineA - rear naked choke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maggie knows not to push - she knows better than that, because she's learning a lot about alex pretty much everyday. she knows that alex is doing this for kara, to protect kara as best she can. and maggie knows alex physically is fantastic, but mentally, mentally alex is scared.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

it turns out that getting arrested was exactly the team bonding exercise everyone needed to work through most of their respective issues. it's been a handful of weeks since the fateful night when maggie got to ride alex danvers' ducati. not the most memorable part of the night sure, 

no, that honor falls to watching alex get tased, 

but the highlight nonetheless. 

['it was ducati' she'd told rey when they spoke next 'the thing, it was,' she tries to find the words to describe it 'almost better than,' she splutters because telling her aunt that the bike was almost better than sex is not what she wants] 

routine has risen in the weeks that follow, j'onn, with funding for plan cancel the apocalypse secured, has brought them all into line. primarily it means learning how to work together, so they don't accidentally shoot each other instead of the kaiju. and that means fighting. 

twelve hours a day inside the combat room, only the five of them and j'onn. 

they all fight. sometimes it's singles, sometimes it's two against one, or three, or four. 

alex is the only one who successfully handles four against one. 

[maggie found herself slammed into the mat and unable to breath and it was, well, it was something that's for sure] 

the fighting is good for them. it also kicks maggie's ass in particular, because whilst everyone else was in tip-top ranger shape, maggie was out in nebraska, out running her demons, but not doing much else. sure, she's farm fit, but ranger fit? 

the first two weeks leave maggie aching. 

by the third, she's got her footing and an alarm that wakes her up extra early to work out with vasquez. 

most important of all though, beyond fighting and beyond trying to track how kara danvers manages to find time to sleep between training and eating and practically living in the lab where winn and lena are

actually maggie isn't quite sure what they're doing, but the youngest danvers is a genius, and so are the other two, so it's probably important 

not to mention disappearing to talk with james. 

not that maggie is spying or anything, but there's been a lot of time with alex recently - since her decision to get into a jaeger - and alex talks about it. so maggie hears and maggie notices and she does her best to understand what alex says when she drops 

"clark kent was kara's cousin," and alex gets this look on her face like she wants to say more, but is holding back "they never really met." she finishes, but it doesn't feel finished. 

but maggie knows not to push - she knows better than that, because she's learning a lot about alex pretty much everyday. she knows that alex is doing this for kara, to protect kara as best she can. and maggie knows alex physically is fantastic, but mentally, mentally alex is scared. 

maggie knows this because when she and alex spar, whether it's jaeger bushido or hand-to-hand, alex is practically unstoppable. and of course, maggie has her own style and they compliment each other and trade point for point, 

but the power in how alex moves, how she strikes, the speed with which she thinks and analyzes, 

it's unlike anything maggie has ever seen before. she doesn't have a way to describe it, not entirely. but the contrast is there,

the contrast is there when j'onn gives them a usb with old kaiju attacks on it and tells them to watch, to discuss, to analyze - and god, 

it's where they are now. 

sitting in maggie's room, usb plugged into the tv and maggie notices that alex's hand is shaking as she navigates the pop up menu "you know we don't have to." maggie says quietly, tempted to reach out and cover alex's trembling hand with her own. 

alex looks over at her, then away, back to the tv. she buries her hands under the blanket and shakes her head "i'm fine." she says, her selected video loading "it's fine." 

"alex," maggie says 

"don't-" alex says, "you can't-" 

"i'm going to be in your head tomorrow," maggie reminds her gently "whatever you want to say..." she trails off 

"right." alex says, looking over at maggie "how are you not nervous?" 

maggie laughs "i'm shitting myself danvers, believe me. i'm just a little better at hiding it than you." 

"i'm not shitting myself." alex protests. 

there's a pause, maggie takes a breath "we're allowed to be scared." she says "we're allowed to be nervous." 

"i don't want to blow anything up or shoot someone." alex says "like the ranger in sydney." 

they both know the story, both remember hearing about the drift that went so, so wrong. 

"i won't let that happen." maggie says, surprising herself by actually saying the words outloud "i promise, alex." 

alex shakes her head "there's." she starts, stops, shakes her head "don't judge me," she says "when you get inside my head." 

"don't judge me for what you see in mine." maggie replies, "i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow," she admits "i, before, i didn't bring anything into the drift. work was work and that was that. but now," she shifts, looking away, being open like this isn't easy. 

but alex wears her emotions on her sleeves and looks like she can use the distraction from her own mind. so maggie goes about leveling the emotional playing field, goes about making things even "i'm not so sure that's what's going to happen." 

maggie pauses, adds "if anyone's going to blow something up tomorrow, it might be me."

the contact against her forearm, light and retracted as soon as she looks over at alex, surprises her. but it's not entirely unwelcome "i won't let that happen." alex says, parroting maggie's earlier words "we'll figure out how to get through it. it's just the drift." 

usually, with any other pair of pilots, tomorrow would be a full systems check and a walk in the park. but alex and maggie are no ordinary pilots, so tomorrow is a baby step, just the drift, just getting into the drift. 

just seeing what happens. 

"you know what," maggie says, reaching for the remote in alex's lap "watching this is only going to work us up." 

she turns off the tv "we've both got too much energy as it is." 

"what are you suggesting?" alex asks and it shouldn't sound like she's flirting with maggie, it really shouldn't, but it does and maggie can't help but fall into it, just a little. play along, just a little. 

"work out some of this energy." she says "you know, spar." 

and they're curled up on the couch and maggie knows a hundred other ways to work out energy, but where her mind is, what's practical and what alex danvers would go for are all wildly different things. besides, the end of the world is upon them, there's no time for, well, 

other stuff. 

"okay." alex says, like maggie knew she would, because alex is almost always game to spar, or to workout, or to fight "give me a chance to change and i'll meet you there in ten?"

"sure." 

and maggie watches as alex slides up from the couch, blanket trailing over one shoulder as she walks out the door. 

\-- 

along the way, maggie had run into m'gann, who was engaged in some very intense conversation with winn about alloy components in jaeger armour, and had managed to corral lucy into coming with. only because lucy had looked at her with a desperate look that said 

'save me from this, i know m'gann is passionate about alloys and thank god i don't have to hear about it any more, but please save me' 

so maggie had, and so when she shows up at the combat room, alex is already there. alex is already stretching and lost in her head, so it's lucy who says "yo danvers," to startle alex back to the moment.

"hey," alex says, standing and letting her back crack "anyone else joining?" she asks, looking at maggie. 

"oh i'm not joining, i'm just waiting for lois to finish whatever piece she's working on and then i'm out. i got my ass kicked enough this morning, thank you very much.' 

alex smirks "sorry." 

lucy rolls her eyes "you're not in the least." 

"true." alex says, watching maggie, who's engaging in some stretching of her own "how about you sawyer, ready to get your ass kicked." 

"you wish." maggie says, without looking up from where she's pressing her palms to the floor. 

lucy just rolls her eyes, watching as, after a few more minutes of stretching, both stand and face off against each other "i'll keep points." she offers. 

"sure." maggie says at the same time that alex says 

"thanks." 

and it's nice, lucy thinks, the way they're all trying to get along. it's really only kara who doesn't have to try, or so it seems. everyone just likes her, gets along with her. the rest of them, well it's taken some work. 

[and an apology from lucy to maggie, for her behaviour, because it wasn't fair] 

but here they are, more or less getting along. 

maggie takes a deep breath and looks at alex, sizing up she footing, her stance, the tension in her back leg that betrays what alex's first move to be. so maggie waits, and let's alex make the first move - but in this alex was a step ahead of her, 

alex _purposefully_ showing a little too much tension on her back leg, letting maggie think that an opening roundhouse kick would be coming her way. but instead, instead dropping low, tackling maggie to the floor in a takedown so unexpected lucy actually has to laugh. 

and maggie, her breath is caught in her ribs and she's acting on instinct because she's not actually breathing, that's how hard she went down. she knows what alex wants next, wants to throw maggie into an arm bar, 

but ground grappling is maggie's strength. she's got a hell of a punch, but none of the reach. so she shifts, even as she feels alex moving underneath her, game plans changing, it's maggie who gets the momentum and flips their positions. they roll for a moment no one with the clear advantage until maggie seizes the moment and locks alex into a rear naked choke. 

and alex should tap. 

she should. 

any sensible person would. 

except alex is not a sensible person. 

maggie feels alex's hand gripping at her ankle, the one tucked around alex's waist and pushing it towards herself - not enough to break but applying enough pressure that maggie has to let out a grunt of pain and release the choke. 

she hears, off the mat, lucy saying "you had her!" and maggie realizing that lucy does not understand the kind of pain that particular move could bring. 

so she and alex are scrambling to their feet and there's a sheen of sweat across alex's forehead and her eyes are alight and alive and maggie is buzzing. 

the first point does, eventually, go to alex. she's just a hair faster, a hair more worked up and tense and it's not exactly easy for her to knock maggies legs out from under her and finally get the armbar she was looking for, 

but she does it. 

and maggie taps. 

they roll away from each other on the mat, breathing hard. maggie turns to look at alex and says "someone's been practicing." she notes "that was a good way to get out of the choke." 

"it's your favourite move." alex says. 

"please," maggie replies "i'm not that predictable." 

"you kind of are, point to danvers." 

"shut it lane, i don't see you coming out here." maggie says, hauling herself to her feet, and holding a hand out to help alex up. 

"on that note," lucy says, glancing at her phone "i'm out of here, lois is done and we're getting out of here for the night." 

"have fun." maggie says "bring us back food." 

"I already promised leftovers to kara." 

"that's not fair." maggie replies 

"have you ever seen anyone able to say no to the girl?" 

maggie points at alex. 

alex shrugs. 

"she doesn't count." lucy says, and there's a door opening behind them and lois' head pops in 

"let's go anklebiter." 

"wait, anklebiter?" alex says, the biggest smile spreading across her face. 

"lois i swear to god, i'm not a dog." 

"that's priceless." maggie says, laughing. 

lena flips them both off without even looking, letting the door slide shut behind her. 

in the newfound silence, the last echoes of lucy protesting that m'gann get's a cool nickname like clifford, while she's stuck with anklebiter. 

"so," maggie says "you want to go another round?" 

alex starts to say yes, then pauses "actually," she says "i- have you seen her yet?" 

maggie doesn't have to ask who her is, 

dismantle. 

she shakes her head. 

"I'd like to," alex says "before tomorrow." 

"i thought that part of the dome was shut off?" 

alex shrugs "there are ways around a locked door." 

and sure enough, there is. maggie watches as alex pulls out her wallet and the lock picks drop into her open palm. unlike last time, where alex was more or less at war with her body, this time she springs the lock with deft fingers in less than thirty seconds.

the door swings open and a rush of cool air escape, breezing through their hair. against the sweat it makes them both shiver. stepping into the previously closed off space, the door shuts with an echoing thunk. 

maggie half expects lights to flicker on row by row. but instead, the space stays silent and quiet and still. their eyes are drawn to the biggest thing in the room, 

dismantle. 

huge, bleeding into the shadows, it's so big maggie has to tilt her head back just to get a good look at the whole thing. 

she's gorgeous. 

solid black, from head to toe. metallic black, sleek and shiny. it's huge and yet compared to even zor-el, it's nicer, newer. somewhere maggie imagines there are pages and pages of specs about the hulking beast before them. stepping forward maggie can see elbow canons, a plasmacaster, and, she cocks her head, 

"are those brass knuckles?" 

alex laughs "i think they are." but her laugh is a little breathless, a little tense. 

maggie glances over at her, see's alex gripping the railing white knuckled "you okay danvers?" she asks 

alex swallows hard and tries to nod "we're getting in that thing tomorrow." she says 

"we are." maggie nods, stepping forward and leaning against the same railing, their eyes captured by the machine before them "we'll be okay." 

and turns out, she's right. 

more or less. 

\--

the morning comes far too quick, but it's not like maggie is sleeping anyway. 

she walks down to the cafeteria and isn't surprised to see alex on her way back up, although not from getting food. she's in a grey t-shirt that is drenched in sweat, she's got headphones spiraling from her ears and her attention is focus on the song at hand. maggie stops directly in front of her, watches as alex jolts to a halt, her head snapping up, an apology on her lips until she sees that it's maggie. she looks down at her phone, then back up to maggie 

"it's early sawyer." 

"i could say the same to you." 

alex shifts, looks away "figured i might as well be productive if i'm not going to sleep." 

maggie smirks "i just came down here to eat." she admits "you could join, if you want." 

"sure," alex nods, peeling out her headphones and bunching them up with her phone in her hand "i'd rather not be in there when it's all crowded." 

"same." maggie admits, so they go to the cafeteria together, they go quietly through the line, neither of them getting much to eat. 

the table they end up it is in the corner, away from the main block of tables where people are beginning to filter in, from bed or form their shift neither of them really care. they pick at their food, feeling the shatterdome coming alive around them, knowing that with every second that passes, they're getting one step closer to the truth of it all. 

can they drift together? 

can they drift at all? 

maggie thinks they can, she feels it in her bones when they fight, when they talk - they're drift compatible. it's just a matter of their respective pasts staying where they belong, not rising to the surface in the worst of ways at the worst of times. it's inevitable that all eyes will be on them today, maggie can feel it already as they walk through the shatterdome after giving up on eating anything. 

whispers abound, today's the day. today's _the_ day. 

"you can come to my bunk." alex says "if you'd rather not wait alone. i mean kara will be there, but," alex offers, rambling a little "you can hang out with us, i think lucy and m'gann are coming round. moral support." 

a month ago it would have made maggie's head spin. hell, it makes her head spin now, stopping off at her room with a smile and "i'll be there, just, gotta get ready." 

she does not mention calling reyna. 

but she does call reyna. her hands are shaking when she does it and reyna answers at once. maggie can her the soft moos of the cows in the background, imagines reyna with the milking platform on pause, the cordless phone held between shoulder and jaw " _it's early mija._ " she says, " _even for you._ " 

it makes maggie want to cry, the fact that reyna can just tell that something is eating at her "i'm getting in a jaeger today." she says "and i'm scared rey." 

_"whatever happens,"_ reyna says, her words serious, her words soft _"i love you and i'm so proud of you."_

maggie blinks back tears. it's what she needed to hear, it all she needed to hear _"you don't owe them anything."_ reyna reminds her " _not if it's too much._ "

this too maggie knows. but she knows that if alex danvers is ready to face everything she knows and loves and fears, she can do the same. even if neither of them are really ready at all. 

"i'll call you after." maggie promises "i'll tell you everything." 

_"i know. be safe, i love you."_

and maggie holds on to the sounds of the cows, to the distant sounds of the farm for as long as she can. getting ready slowly, showering, washing her hair, drying it. slipping into her most comfortable sox, her favourite underwear, her best fitting sports bra. she finds her black tank top, pulls it on over her head and looks to the closest. sitting inside is are the coveralls. 

the last thing maggie pulls on are black basketball shorts, they sweep just below her knees and they make her feel comfortable. the coveralls, with dismantle written across the back, 

do not. 

but maggie zips them up, she breaths, she finds her waterbottle and she walks out of the room. 

she wants the company, doesn't want to be alone, and is happy to find alex's door ajar. she walks in and there's light music playing, something she can't quite place, but fills the background. she sees kara sprawled out on the couch, her hand digging into a bowl of popcorn. maggie can see alex standing in the bathroom, brushing her teeth. lucy and m'gann are sitting on the bed, m'gann wolf whistles when maggie walks in. 

maggie flicks her off and walks over to the couch "scoot little danvers." 

kara looks affronted for half a second, then smiles broadly and lifts her legs. as soon as maggie sits, she has a lap full of legs. from the bathroom alex calls out "it fits you well." 

"yeah," kara grumbles "lucky you." 

maggie looks over at her wait a raised eyebrow "my coveralls were three sizes too big." kara explains. 

"i feel you." lucy pipes up from the bed. 

"i must have gotten lucky." maggie shrugs, still not used to this weird little crew she's found herself a part of, a crew still trying to work out the kinks. 

"luck has nothing to do with it." alex says "i overheard vasquez telling supplies that if they tried to give you a large she'd come back and show them where to stick the needles." 

maggie laughs "sounds like vasquez." 

"she's a good egg." kara says, mouth full of popcorn "like james and winn and lena." 

"and what about us?" lucy asks 

kara rolls her eyes "alright i guess." 

maggie play shoves kara's legs off her lap, watching as the girl drops the bowl of popcorn to free up an arm to catch herself. she's frowning hard at maggie and eyeing the spilled popcorn across the floor, 

but there's no time for commentary or clean up because then a klaxon is going off 

_"test one for dismantle. test one for dismantle. rangers report to bay zero five. rangers report to bay zero five. all required personal please report ot stations."_

maggie swallows hard and looks across the room at at alex, here they go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who's ready for alex and maggie to finally drift? i know a lot of you have left suspicions of what could happen next and they're all about to be answered. just in the next chapter ;) 
> 
> thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments on the last chapter. you're the real mvps of this story. 
> 
> as always, my eternal thanks to [bathtimefunduck](http://www.bathtimefunduck.tumblr.com) who puts up with all of my ramblings and concerns and endless typos. thank you. 
> 
> and, if you're keen to chit chat about supergirl then please, hit my up on my tumblr @ [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)


	13. now - nineB - back in the saddle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they both take solace in the fact that neither of them are really, actually ready to face what's about to happen and yet they're walking towards the head of their jaeger anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty folks, some major trigger warnings for this chapter - check the chapter note at the bottom if you want to know exactly what you're getting into. 
> 
> tw: graphic mentions of child abuse - tw: blood - tw: graphic description of a panic attack

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

it's all familiar, the process of getting ready to drift. although here there's none of the urgency that came with a kaiju barreling down on a fragile coastline. no, the actions are as if remembered through a dream and maggie moves with them, a ghost in her own reality. 

they're standing in the newly re-opened bay five. with it's top of the line loccan and top of the line everything else as well. maggie lets herself be grounded by vasquez's voice in her ear, vasquez's voice running the show honestly. maggie knows j'onn is nearby, watching, observing and kara is everpresent, lucy and m'gann are sitting near kara, they're probably breathing easier than maggie is right about now. maggie isn't sure she's breathing at all. 

not as the armour is put on piece by piece and god it feels like it's choking her instead of preparing to protect her. when the helmet comes on, the silence is welcome, the silence is deafening and then it's alex's voice in her ear. it's alex's voice saying "ready?" 

and maggie replying "as i'll ever be." 

they both take solace in the fact that neither of them are really, actually ready to face what's about to happen and yet they're walking towards the head of their jaeger anyway. 

"i'll take right," alexs says "if you don't mind?" 

and it's half a question, and maggie can't think of a reason why not, so she nods, she walks over to the left side of the jaeger, steps into what she remembers are not called the stirrups, but feels appropriate. 

after all these years, getting back in the saddle. 

her heart is beating out of her chest. 

is she ready for this? 

are either of them ready for this? 

it doesn't matter, it's happening whether they're ready or not. 

_"alright,"_ comes vasquez's voice _"everyone buckled in?"_ she's keeping it light, keeping it conversational.

"ready for drop on loccan's command." comes alex's voice and it's calm - maggie is shocked how calm she sounds. 

"ready." maggie echoes. 

_"loccan preparing for drop."_ vasquez says and distantly maggie hears the heavy door to the bay being shut, being sealed _"on my mark, in five, four, three..."_

she's going to be ill.

that's the only answer. 

maggie thinks she's going to throw up, and when she hears vasquez say _"one."_ and _"release for drop."_

and then they're falling. 

plummeting. 

it's all about control really, the controlled descent, the controlled slowing down only makes maggie's stomach rise further up into her throat. by the time they're stopped and she can hear vasquez saying _"coupling confirmed."_ maggie is exceedingly grateful that she didn't have much for breakfast.

there's a beat of silence and then alex's voice cuts through "preparing for pilot to pilot protocol." 

here it is. 

here it really is. 

in movements not quite synchronized, maggie and alex go through the motions, flipping the switches, entering their pilot codes. above them, below them, entirely around them, dismantle is coming to life - they can hear it, they can feel it and in a moment they will be it. 

_"preparing neural handshake in ten,"_ vasquez says, is saying _"nine, eight,"_ " her words fade away, the blood is rushing in maggie's ears and all she can hear is alex's voice. 

"i've got you." alex says, "i won't let anything happen to you." because maybe she can hear maggie's heartbeat is through the roof, or maybe she's saying what she needs to hear. 

either way, the seconds are ticking down and then, 

then maggie is flung into the drift. 

it's a space she's been before, a canvas that in the past was blank and empty, an expanse that she often longed to have filled with the colours of her memories. except now they are and now her memories are everywhere at once and how, how do people deal with this? 

maggie tries to find a breath, tries to find a place to breath,

_but she's eight and all she wants is to touch the cake. it looks so soft and pretty and maggie wants to feel something nice on her skin. but it's a weeding and she's eight and her father is furious because_

_"that's not ladylike behavior hija."_

_and as he storms over maggie is suddenly so afraid and the monster of her past looks nothing like the monster's she's grown up to fight. he's looming and she's eight and she's just a kid and and_

_and_

_and she's falling to the ground in her haste to escape, her dress catching on the table and all of a sudden all of that pretty cake is coming right for her, right for her - but it's the roar of her father that maggie hears clearest of all._

_the pain is from where her father backhands her. because she's eight and the cake is pretty and the table was unsteady and why, why, why does she have to ruin everything_

\-- 

_then she's fifteen, and the anger is colder, he's gotten crueler the older she gets. but her fear, her fear is still the same because maggie small and she wants to be loved - but love in this house is bruises across her back and fear when she hears a belt buckle slipping from around someone's waist._

_the monster, her monster, is still the same. taller than she is - always taller, always faster, always more dangerous. maggie is fifteen with half a bag of clothes and a father radiating disappointment and hatred and violence. his words are poison, his hands are knifes and when maggie finally gets away, away, -_

_out through the door,_

_she's running down the street with blood rolling down her chin and fear in her heart and bruises down her arms because the monster told her to leave, but wouldn't let her go._

_"we can beat it out of you."_

_maggie has never felt such visceral fear._

\--

_she is sixteen. it's raining and maggie is sprawled out in the mud. it's cool and that's a relief. it's a relief because she's burning and she's got her knees pulled to her chest and her hands wrapped around the back of her neck because these boys could kill her -_

_and they'd probably get away with it._

_maggie can hear claire shouting, her voice high and afraid and if maggie opens her eyes she would see claire grabbing at her boyfriends arm. but her boyfriend is a football player and he thinks woman are his property and who the hell is maggie sawyer to be kissing his girl?_

_they're teaching her a lesson._

_trying to beat it - beat the part of maggie that loves girls, that loves how soft they are, how their hands trail down maggies back - out of her. she wants to fight back, but she's small and all the anger in the world can't save her now._

_they leave, eventually,_

_maggie is shivering and shaking and covered in mud, blood,_

_but she doesn't cry._

_not when she walk-limps to her car, collapsing into the drivers seat with a gasp and a whine and ache and a wish that she wasn't so small._

\-- 

_she's twenty and sporting another split lip, another black eye - but what hurts this time, what hurts more than her screaming muscles and aching body - were gabes words. spewing venom, so much like, so much worse than her father because maggie knows that her father never loved her_

_[losing him to k-day was a relief.]_

_but gabe, gabe was at least supposed to like her._

_turns out, not even that was true. tumbling out of the jaeger, swinging and spitting, maggie wasn't as small any more. maggie wasn't as helpless. all that fire and all those beatings had fueled her, have changed her and now maggie could fight back. she has the skills, has the tools and it didn't matter that gabe was bigger, or that gabe was taller -_

_maggie fought back. and she's paying the price now, looking in the mirror and seeing a beaten reflection she knows so well._

\-- 

_she is twenty three and she's in tokyo and joshua is bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. her body is and isn't her own. maggie feels like she's being ripped apart from the inside out. the split starting from her brain, and dropping down her spine, filtering between each and every rib, searing, terrible, horrible pain. maggie thinks she might die._

_it's raining._

_she only realizes because she feels each individual droplet land against her fingers, across the flat of her hand. piece by piece, each of her senses come back, filtering the world up to her brain -_

_the smell of the sea and the smell of burning blood._

_the sounds of the water roiling and crashing against her jaegers legs and the not so distant roar of the kaiju, angry and ready to kill._

_she can taste the blood spilling from her head, rolling down her temple, down her cheek, across her lip._

_and she sees, god she sees joshua, so young, so dead, so bloody. her body is and isn't her own, but the pain is searing and the pain is less and then vasquez's voice is sharp and steady in maggie's ear._

\-- 

"sawyer." 

the word is biting, and it takes maggie far too long to realize that it's not just a word, but her name. that someone is saying her name. that someone, someone, someone - 

alex, 

is saying her name. is trying to get a ahold of her racing thoughts. but the memories are here and the memories are strong and maggie is staring into the drift and the drift isn't just staring back, but calling to her. a parade of nightmares that maggie can't escape, she can't - she can't - she can't. 

the pain is physical, the pain is real, the reverberations of her father's slaps seem to echo in her bones, and the her ribs are screaming with remembered pain and the voice, the voice, 

alex. alex. alex. 

it's warmth and strength and safety in this storm. and eventually it's whiskey and eyes and a nervous smile and a dangerous smirk rolling into one. and maggie is trying to breath, trying to gasp for a breath because her body isn't her own, her lungs aren't cooperating. but alex is there, alex is here, alex is speaking soft, and alex is saying 

"breathe maggie." 

and 

"i've got your six." 

and maggie's breathing is unsteady and her hands are shaking and alex's voice is so, so gentle 

"let the rabbits run," she's saying "come back. it's okay. i've got you." 

"fuck." is all maggie can say and her voice is ragged with tears, her cheeks are damp and her chest is shaving with the exertion "fuck. fuck. fuck." 

"stay with me." alex is saying, her words are soft and they're grounding and maggie clings to them because the rabit is there, the rabbit is calling to her, the rabit is strong. 

but alex is stronger. 

alex with her own memories rising up and they don't so much immerse themselves in maggie, as wash over her. waves at the beach, washing over her from head to toe - maggie sees, she hears - but it's too much, too much with her own mind threatening to drag her under again. 

maggie catches bits and pieces and one bit and one piece and her knees would give out if they could, but maggie's head is spinning and alex's voice is there again, again, 

"i know mags, i know. stay with me, i've got your six." 

and maggie is dragging herself to the present. to a now where alex is saying "neural alignment confirmed." and the words tumble from maggie's lips, but she's not quite sure how that happens. 

all maggie knows is that she's shaking when the drift breaks, when the neural connection drops and all they're left with is their own breathing and the slow lift up, up, up as they're brought back to bay five. it's weird, because maggie can still feel alex there, a whisper present in a way that no other pilot ever has been. 

maggie pulls away when they disembark, she needs time and she needs space and she needs to rebuild these walls around those memories. those memories she's worked so hard to forget, to push down, to never have to speak about. yet alex is here, alex knows, alex knows. she's here and she's close and she's got a hand hovering over maggie's back. not quite touching, but maggie can feel her heat, and her hesitation. 

it's an anchor as they step out into the bay, where there's too many people and too many eyes and maggie needs to get away, away, away. yet alex is still close. 

and then there's kara and gravity and kara's arms wrapping around alex - strong and sturdy and it's good, that's good, alex needs her sister. her alien sister. and maggie thinks how weird that is, how much light this little alien kid can bring to alex's darkness, but maggie doesn't have that. 

she doesn't have that, not here, not anywhere. she has reyna and the cows and nebraskan nights, but hell, hell it's not the same. 

so maggie turns, head aching, head spinning, she goes to lick her wounds in private, away, away, away. 

but alex is quick and alex is attentive and there's a hand on her wrist, feather light, a touch maggie could break if she wants.

she doesn't. 

she doesn't because alex can relate. alex has stared into maggie's darkness and maggie has seen alex's, but she's also seen alex's light. and maggie thinks she knows a truth about alex danvers, because alex might say kara is her light, but maggie has seen alex - has seen under the lampshade lifted, has seen the source of the spark and 

kara is alex's light, the little alien wishing star that alex never expected, but can never let go of, can never stop chasing after. but alex - 

alex could be maggie's and god, 

that, 

that is terrifying. 

it makes maggie quake, it makes maggie want to run and want to hide and her limbs won't quite cooperate the way she wants them too. but there's a tug on her wrist and she's headed for the bunks before she realizes that she hasn't said a word. before maggie realizes that she's still shaking from the highs and the lows and from being thrown between them both. but following the warm of a touch, being tugged along by that literal embodiment of a sun, maggie cant fight it. 

even as she realizes, actually realizes, that kara is attentive to them both, kara is guiding them both back to a bunk - the alex's bunk, to the safety there. and maggie feels like she's waking from a dream, coming back to a reality that she doens't fully feel in touch with. her mind is still racing, her mind is still chasing rabits. 

the door closes with kara's promise for food and water and maggie is standing there, shaking, stock still and her head is spinning and, and, and, 

"mags," alex is saying "maggie, look at me." her voice is so soft, her words are so calming and cool and maggie looks up, eyes a dark storm of emotion "you're okay." she says "let's sit." 

maggie nods, maggie lets herself be moved. she collapses into a seat and is horrified, horrified, horrified because there tears in her eyes and tears rolling down her cheeks and can't breath - can't breath. 

she doesn't know what to do, she can't breathe, she can't find a solid place to focus on, her head is spinning. she's twisting her hands in her lap and trying to be okay, trying but failing because every time she blinks she's eight, she's fifteen, she's sixteen - she's hurt and she's hurting and 

and 

and 

and then alex is kneeling down in front of maggie, not touching her, not yet, but she's speaking softly, gently, gently. 

"you're okay." she's saying - her words calm and steady and asking "can i touch you?" and maggie feels like her body isn't her own, like she drifting, there's nothing but the rush of memories and nothing to keep her grounded. 

alex waits, alex is patient, until maggie nods, until maggie can't possibly say no because she's drowning, she's floating away, she needs something to hold on to and alex is here, alex is here. 

alex's hands are taking hers, and alex's thumbs are running across the back of maggie's hands saying "breathe, breathe," alex says "can you look at me, can you do that for me mags?" 

and alex is there and she's warmth and safety and she's reaching out and maggie just has to grab her hand. alex has jumped into the water without fear, without being afraid and maggie has to help and god, no one has called her mags in so long, but the way alex says it, the way the syllable rolls off her tongue, it pushes its way into maggie's chest and loosens something there. her lungs resist a little bit less, but maggie still feels her racing pulse, her choked, terrified breaths, the way her hands are shaking, shaking. 

"i-" maggie chokes, but she doesn't even know what she's trying to say, what can she say "no one-" she starts, trying again but the words stick and catch in her throat. 

"you're safe." alex promises and maggie can feel the wash of alex's breath over her neck, and shes closing her eyes and trying not to make herself small because she's not meant to cry, she's not meant to be weak, people exploit weakness. 

[not alex, not alex] 

maggie is gripping at alex's hands and grappling with memories so vivid and so real and so threatening that maggie's cheek is stinging and she wants to fight, she wants to apologise, but her throat is tight, tight and she can't speak. 

but there's alex. 

there's alex in front of her, kneeling on the ground, her hands in maggies, her words the only tether maggie thinks she might have. 

and then there's more. 

and then she can _feel_ alex and it's not just her hands or her words, but her presence. a mental presence and maggie's never ghost drifted with anyone, but she's sure this must be what it feels like because the memories that hounded her are being held at bay by what maggie can only describe as alex danver's strength. 

it indescribable in the moment because maggie can't feel anything but relief, can't feel anything but alex's arms washing over her, and alex sitting next to her on the couch, pulling maggie into her lap, keeping her close and fighting maggie's memories. 

alex's strength is maggie's strength and somehow, someway, the wall maggie wanted to build, is getting built. her memories are receding, their grip on her chest is starting to fade and the maggie can't do it alone, but she doens't have to. 

alex is here. 

alex's hand is running up and down the plane of maggie's back and maggie realizes that she doens't have to say anything because alex knows. 

alex has been in her head and she knows all of maggie's secrets now and she felt all of maggie's emotions and maggie doesn't have to explain anything - not to alex, because alex knows. 

and god, 

how good does that feel? 

[how scary is it] 

but alex is here, alex is carding a hand through maggie's hair and tracing patterns across her back and this, this, this, 

maggie feels herself slowly able to breathe and slowly able to feel the way the tips of her toes and the tips of her fingers are tingling from lack of oxygen. it scares her and her lungs flutter and seize, but alex is here, alex is here. 

she lets her hand fall from maggie's back, tangles their hands and squeezes gently. alex is breathing slow and steady and even and she says "you're safe. you're safe. no one can hurt you." 

and maggie believes her. 

she knows logically, fundamentally, that is true. that her father is dead and she's a million miles from blue springs and, and, and but those memories, god how they're alive and how real it felt, and 

"mags," alex says, as if she can tell the endless loop that maggie's caught in, "mags can you look at me?" 

but maggie can't, she can't because how could she ever? she's trapped in this endless loop of pain and memories and shame because how could alex ever want to drift with her? how could alex ever trust her? she doesn't deserve alex danvers' comfort, she doesn't, she doesn't. 

"you're so brave." alex is saying quietly "you're so brave and you're so safe, i promise." 

maggie's breath is hiccuping and she wants to run, she wants to push alex away, but her muscles are too tight, her limbs are too heavy and she doesn't want alex to leave her because the memories are still right there, they could still take her. 

but alex is calm. 

alex is telling her impossible things

"you're brave." 

and 

"you're so strong." 

and 

"you're safe, i've got you. I've got you." 

and maggie, who trusts so few, who has never told anyone, not even reyna, about the monster she grew up with, 

maggie believes alex. 

eventually her breathing slows, and slows and maggie expects alex to shift, to get up, to leave. yet she doesn't. alex keeps her hand tangled with maggies and she keeps her hand settled on the low of maggie's back and alex doesn't leave. 

alex stays. 

alex feels maggie tense when there's a knock at the door, she squeezes maggie's hand and says "it's only kara. it's okay." 

which is okay, the little alien sister that comes in bearing an armful of water bottles and a plastic bag of take away that maggie can't even begin to question how she managed to get her hands on. and kara is so quite and gentle and she puts everything down on the coffee table, and she looks to maggie and smiles and is saying "it's all vegetarian, don't worry." 

which, how does she know? but before maggie can even croak out the question, kara is explaining with her soft words and her bright smile "vasquez told me. the food is nina's doing." 

which maggie should tell kara to take back, because vasquez lives for nina's cooking, 

but she can't. 

because vasquez cares. 

vasquez is helping in all the ways she knows how. 

and maggie mumbles what could be a thank you as kara kisses alex's forehead and mumbles something maggie can't quite hear. but it doesn't matter because the door is closing and the lock is catching and it's just them and it's just alex, and maggie feels safe. 

she feels safe. 

which astounds her, 

but this is alex. 

and it's alex coaxing her to a sitting position and asking "do you want some water?" 

maggie nearly cries all over again when alex twists the lid off of the bottle for her, because maggie's limbs are heavy and her body aches, her mind aches and she feels like alex should be judging her and hating her and declaring that she will never, ever get into a jaeger with her, never again.

but alex is pulling out tupperware of steaming food and she's pulling off lids and investigating and not forcing maggie to eat, but there's a fork suspiciously near maggie's knees and the food does smell good, but her hands, her hands are still shaking. 

maggie picks up her fork anyway and she wants ot distract alex away from the fact that she might drop her fork, that's how exhausted she is, so maggie asks, slowly, hesitantly "so, kara..." and she trails off because she doesn't know if she's allowed to say they 'is an alien.' 

but alex stills and there's imperceptible tension that drops down alex's back and maggie wishes she hadn't said anything, but alex replies quietly "it's nice to have someone else that knows." she admits

maggie ventures towards the container of stir-fry and stabs at some noodles with a fork and asks "who else knows?" 

"me, my - our mom, j'onn." alex answers "winn." and then she pauses "i don't know who else in the council." 

and maggie remembers alex's fear when kara was arrested. she remembers alex's volatile reaction that made sense then, but makes so much more sense now. 

"your secret is safe with me." you reply, achieving a mouthful of noodles and broccoli and

fuck, 

it tastes so good. 

maggie doesn't eat much, she can't, but when she's had three or four mouthfuls and her stomach starts to protest because the day has been too much, she sees that alex is done too. that alex is drinking water and she looks exhausted. 

she looks like she needs ten hours of sleep and maggie suddenly feels like she's encroaching on space. like kara should be here, instead of her, like someone needs to be looking after alex because that drift couldn't have been easy for her either. 

so maggie asks, suddenly, "how are you feeling?" she asks and she continues and it's a ramble but she doesn't care "we- you, you've spent so much time making sure i'm okay-" 

"i'm okay." alex replies "we, i knew the drift was going to be hard, all those memories...they're so-" 

"vivid." maggie supplies 

"exactly." alex says 

"well, i should - you probably want to," maggie says, starting to stand, stating to make an excuse to leave. 

but alex's fingers are light against maggie's wrist "you don't have to." she says, guiding maggie back down "you can stay, i want you to stay." 

maggie wonders what's gone unsaid in that moment, but she doesn't ask, she doens't even protest. instead she sinks back down onto the couch and she's letting alex wrap an arm around her and the tv is flickering on. 

and it's so calm, and it's easy to sit here, warm and safe and her breathing evens and maggie is just so tired. there are fingers sifting through her hair and all maggie can think about is alex's words of warmth and safety and comfort and she's just so tired. 

she's asleep before she even realizes it's happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> summary for the chapter, if you're here looking for more in depth trigger warnings: maggie enters the drift and where she previously brought nothing, this time all of her past is there waiting for. we learn that maggie's father slapped her around, she was beaten in high school by some football players, and basically maggie has been through a lot. but alex is here for her. 
> 
> credit must be given to [bathtimefunduck](http://www.bathtimefunduck.tumblr.com) for the anklebiter nickname given to lucy lane by lois. and also, as i told her already today, this story would be in shambles if not for them. 
> 
> and finally, if you want to come shout about supergirl with me, or want to check out more of my writing that doesn't make it to ao3, please come check me out on my tumblr @ [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)


	14. now - ten - he felt calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kara knows she should open her eyes, knows she should focus on the sparks flying from zor-els heart, on what grounds her to the present. but in this now there's so much to do, so much worry, so much fear and uncertainty and the what if's alone make her head spin.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**  
**may - 2022**

work on the heart is often done late into the night, and kara always does her best to go and watch and listen and just 

be. 

she can count on one hand the number of times she's seen zor-els heart. and each time, perched on the inch-wide railing as she is, hands curling around the metal for show more than actual balance, her own heart stutters. 

she looks up at the machine, 

the hulking jaeger with her reds and blues and sometimes kara can close her eyes and just, 

drift. 

it's not like ghost drifting with alex, where she can feel alex's consciousness utterly present, utterly alert. this, this drifting is something else. it's quiet, it's solitude, it's something kara can't get, can't find anywhere else. 

in this space her memories rear up, the good, the bad, the ones she tries to forget, and the ones she never wants to lose. her grip tightens and her breathing stops and kara lets herself be suspended in her brain, in the memories that swim and dance and spend most of their time lapping at the edges of her control.

when she's in the jaeger she's always in control. when kara's in the jaeger she's the unstoppable force. there is no time for the drift, there's no time for the memories, for the emotions, 

when kara steps into the jaeger, 

she is no longer her own self. 

but here, with the heart of zor-el exposed, with the rest of the her great beast dormant, in the silence of the night, kara can be. she can feel, she can close her eyes and stand and curl her toes at the edge of the abyss and think about letting go. 

this is only ghost drifting, this is only parts of herself echoing and screaming and banging against the cages kara keeps them locked in. 

this is only the time where kara is most tempted to let them out, let her demons come screaming to the surface. 

maybe then she would remember, remember the truth of leaving because her nightmares, her nightmares have taken and distorted and taken again. if she closes her eyes, like she does right now, 

if she breathes once, then stops again. 

if she focuses on the silence, the silence, the silence, 

she remembers. 

the years in the phantom zone couldn't take this from her. not like fighting the kaiju almost has. one fresh trauma after the next threatening to over run and erase the memories kara got to this very planet. 

kara knows she should open her eyes, knows she should focus on the sparks flying from zor-els heart, on what grounds her to the present. but in this now there's so much to do, so much worry, so much fear and uncertainty and the what if's alone make her head spin. 

she can't fail. 

they can't fail. 

and yet...

kara thinks about the research that lena and winn are doing. she thinks about the fleeting moments of spare time she has to work with them - how she wishes it was more because winn is her friend and lena is brilliant and she likes kara's coffee and has really good tea, and maybe they're also friends? 

but kara only has so much time. 

not with the training j'onn is throwing them all into. not with the workouts kara is putting herself through outside of that. not with hours spent practicing her form in hand to hand combat, with her blade, practicing, perfecting. 

and it's not that kara doesn't want alex back out in the jaeger. she does, she knows logically that alex is one of the best pilots, one of the best fighters. 

but,

but, 

alex is kara's whole world. and kara knows that alex knows the whole reason kara became a jaeger at all was for her. was to protect her. was to get her big sister back. and it's not that kara doesn't want alex to help save the world. 

but kara really doesn't want alex dead. 

she can't, 

_can't_ lose alex 

not after losing her parents, her planet, her cousin. 

she can't lose alex too. 

no, it's more than that, 

kara won't lose alex. 

which is why kara trains. it's why she trains and she researches and she goes and goes and goes. 

it helps that sleep is nothing she wants any more. 

it helps that sleep only brings nightmares and terror and waking up sweating and crying and the shattered fragments of her memories being twisted and distorted and sharpened against her. 

kara lets out a long breath, 

her limbs feel a little floaty when she goes that long without breathing. 

she forces herself to take one, two, three breaths. 

kara opens her eyes. 

the work on zor-el's heart is almost done. 

kara closes her eyes again and listens, but this time listening outward, listening to the sleeping shatterdome. it's easy to pick out the heartbeats that matter

most everyone is asleep save j'onn and maggie. j'onn at his desk, typing on his computer, maggie in her room, doing sit ups or push ups or burpees from the sounds of it. 

and as kara listens harder she can hear other heartbeats she recognizes, lena down in the lab. and james, 

kara turns, opening her eyes 

"james." she says, 

he's standing in the doorway "may i?" he asks, gesturing to the platform, asking if he can join kara. 

"of course." kara replies easily. 

she wonders why he's awake, and as if he hears her thoughts he says "it's always hard to sleep this time of the year." 

it takes kara three seconds to figure it out. 

two days from now is the six year anniversary of the first destruction of tokyo. 

"i get it." kara says, she imagines it's hard to sleep any time of the year for them both. 

she turns to look a james "i-" she pauses "i've been trying to figure out how to ask you about clark." she admits 

she can hear james tense, can see it in his posture "what about him?" 

kara pauses "i never really knew him." she says, eyes transfixed on the heart "he dropped me off with jerimiah and," she shrugs "and i never really saw him again." 

she takes a deep breath "i-" she turns to look at james "how much do you know," she listens for a moment, for stray heartbeats, for unwanted ears "about me?" 

james smiles "as much as clark knew." he says "maybe a little bit more," he pauses "you know." 

kara knows. 

she looks at him "i arrived on k-day. clark dropped me off at the danvers, jerimiah was gone not even six months after that starting," she gestures around "all this. but i never had a chance to see clark. he," kara pauses "he was always so busy, trying to save take world. but you," she looks to james "you knew him best. would you tell me about him?" 

james lets out a breath that sounds downright relieved "when j'onn asked me here," he says "i almost said no." kara looks over at him and he continues "i wasn't sure if you, if you would blame me for his death, for clarks death. i was there, in his head when it happened. i couldn't save him. or jerimiah." he swallows "you and alex both have every reason to hate me." 

"i don't blame you." kara says quietly "i- i almost lost alex. i know what it's like, to be in a fight, to almost lose your partner. i blame the kaiju. and i- clark knew what he signed up for. just like i did." she stops again "as for alex," kara shrugs "she doesn't hold you responsible. that honor is entirely general lanes." 

james nods and his eyes darken "he's not a very popular guy." 

"well," kara says "he had us all arrested and alex tased, so..." she trials off "i'm not exactly surprised." 

james laughs, but there's still something underneath it "i saw the footage," he says "alex...she's scary." 

kara grins "i'll tell her you said that." 

a silence falls between them and kara takes a deep breathing, gripping at the railing again but this time it's because she needs something to ground her "i was sent here to protect clark." she says quietly, and that makes two people in the world who know that now. 

alex and james. 

"i failed him." kara breaths "i know i was only a kid, i know it's not my fault, but-" she takes a breath "i was sent here to protect him, and he's dead. sometimes i think about what i could have told him, about krypton." she looks over at james, see's the way he's looking at her with calm compassion "did he, what did he know about krypton?" 

"he knew some things, he had some books, he had some other texts. but he didn't speak the language." he pauses "he didn't have any memories." 

of course he didn't. 

he was a baby. 

kara could have told him. kara could have told him anything, she could have taught him the language, she could have answered any question he had about their planet. 

her planet now. 

james continued "he talked about you." he says "he and jerimiah, they would talk about you and alex." 

but he never reached out. 

"he wanted to visit you," he says "he was putting in for some time off, for after tokyo." 

kara swallows hard "he was?" 

james nods "general lane didn't want to give it to him. wanted jerimiah to focus on the research, and jerimiah needed clark for that." 

"research?" 

"trying to get clark in his own jaeger." james says "lane was feeling the pressure to provide a better solution, and with lex and his lies coming out," he sighs "clark put in for the time off anyway." 

"and then he was killed." kara says 

"yeah," james says "it's," james swallows hard "i was in his head when he was killed." he pauses, and kara hears the way james' heartrate is increasing, she hears the shift in his muscles as he looks away. kara knows what it sounds like when people are trying not to cry. 

james lets out a long breath, trying to control his breathing "there are not a lot of people who know what it's like, to feel someone die like that." he says "you feel everything," he continues "their fear, their regrets," james swallows "their last thoughts. you know what clark's last thoughts were?" 

he pauses "he thought about you. how much he messed up with you." 

kara swallows. 

"he thought about going home." 

kara feels her chest seize. she can't breathe.

"he felt calm." james continues "for the first time since i met him." 

she pauses.

james pauses "you should ask lois about him." 

"lois lane?" kara asks 

james nods "clark and lois were," he tries to find the words "they were in love. he was going to introduce you two, he wanted to propose." 

kara lets out a shaking breath "thank you." she says "for telling me for about him." 

james pauses "there's something else," he says "a place," kara looks at him. 

"what we did, fighting the kaiju was easy. but the killing," james glances at kara "he struggled with it. he knew it had to be done for the good of the planet, but morally he could never quite be okay with it. after fights, he'd go," james explains "some base he had up in the arctic. he never took me there, i never really asked about it, but," james says "i was in his head, we knew everything about each other." 

"a base?" 

james nods "a place he kept anything from krypton, anything he had, anything he found. it was his safe place, away from the noise of humanity," is how he thought about it "where the only noise was the ice shifting beneath him." 

kara swallows, caught in the idea of a place with a tangible tether to her cousin, to their planet. she's never known how much she's wanted to be in a place, a place that she's never been. 

"you okay?" james asks carefully. 

kara finds a smile, she swings off the railing "i should be asking you that." she says "you're the one who talked about clark." 

"but he's your cousin." james says, turning to stand next to kara "it's not easy for any of us." he says "lois and i, we usually get a drink on the anniversary. talk about clark, what an idiot he was. you're welcome to join us, if you want." 

"thanks." kara says "but alex and i, it's hard time for her." 

it usually culminates in alex getting very drunk and ignoring phone calls from eliza and kara pulling alex into her arms and alex sobbing, sobbing, sobbing because she lost her dad and she watched it happen and that's a wound that never quite closes. 

"of course." james says. 

"i should get some sleep." kara says, not trying to brush james off, but her mind is elsewhere, her mind is in the arctic. she is caught with a frantic need to be in that space. to be away from the pressures of the shatterdome, to escape. 

"kara," james says, a hand coming to her bicep, enough to stop, but not threatening, the concern obvious in james' eyes "are you sure you're okay?" 

"yeah." kara says "i'm great." 

which is probably the highest give away that she's not okay. but it doesn't matter, the heart of zor-el is closed away, and kara is off the platform before james can say anything else. 

kara meanwhile, is moving quickly, moving quietly through the building. she can hear the heartbeats of the people she cares about, knows alex and lucy and m'gann and vasquez are asleep. Knows lena is still in the lab and winn is in the cafeteria. maggie is asleep and j'onn is still in his office. 

kara's hands are shaking by the time she gets to her room. by the time she finds a pen and some paper. kara knows this will be okay, that the kaiju aren't scheduled to come through the breach for a while yet, she's got time. she's got time. 

she scrawls a note. 

she leaves it on her bed. 

kara knows alex is going ot worry, but kara knows alex would stop her form doing this.

so kara leaves. she slips out a side door and into a frigid morning air she can't feel. she takes off, pushing into the sky with a step. she heads towards the arctic, not sure if she'll even be able to find what she's looking for. 

the note kara leaves, 

the note alex will find, 

says five words. 

_i'm okay. i'll be back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright y'all, a bit of a cliffhanger for you :D :D 
> 
> this interaction between kara and james was one of two scenes that really got this story moving from just another au, to something i was actively planning and writing and figuring out how to y'all. so this is a chapter that's close to my heart, and i think answers a few questions some of you had. 
> 
> another thing, i'm having knee surgery tomorrow and therefore have no real idea when the next post will be. i hate to leave you hanging like this, but i've been waiting for this surgery for six weeks and i'm thrilled that it's finally happening. so please be patient with me. 
> 
> as per usual, [bathtimefunduck](http://www.bathtimefunduck.tumblr.com) deserves all the credit for helping these chapters come together. 
> 
> and if you want to talk supergirl with me, come find me on tumblr @ [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)


	15. now - eleven- take one for the team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lucy stands, they face off and this time lucy is more prepared. but fighting alex danvers is a one sided affair, for every jab lucy lands, she finds herself pressed face first into the mat, or with alex's forearm pressed against her throat.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

lucy likes her gym time. she likes waking up early, when half the shatterdome is still asleep, or counting down the clocks until the end of their shift. she likes dressing in her army issue grey top and shorts, heading into the soft dark of the training room. with her earbuds in, the rest of the world slips away. 

lucy takes the gym seriously, even more so now that the end of the world is rapidly approaching and they've got one shot to make this work. any chance to improve, to be better, to be more ready, lucy takes. 

which also means sparring with kara. kara and lucy are a good match with their technical skills, kara seems infinitely times stronger than lucy, she seems to never sweat and has a recovery time better than anyone - which lucy doesn't quite understand but but rolls with it. except today. 

this morning kara is late for their regularly scheduled sparring. 

which in itself isn't all that unusual. kara shows up late more often than not, five minutes or so typically. always arriving in a flurry, always apologizing and talking about the research she and lena and winn are doing into the principles of thermodynamics in high pressure environments. 

except by now kara is half an hour late, and that's late even by her standards. so lucy is wondering if she should head down to the labs to try and find kara - no doubt half asleep, face planted into a pile of academic papers. but before she can so much as find her shoes, the door is being pushed open and in charges - actually charges - alex danvers. 

"hey," Lucy is saying, confused, bracing for a fight on instinct because there are a wash of emotions on alex's face "what's happened?" 

alex stops short "have you seen kara?" she all but demands, something clenched in her hand, posture rigid, eyes flashing. 

lucy shakes her head "not this morning. usually she's down in the labs with winn, have you checked there?" 

"he hasn't seen her." alex says, taking a deep, stressed breath. 

"alex," lucy says, trying to be calm "alex what's happened?" 

alex holds up the note so lucy can read it "this was on her bed." alex says, her voice shaking - what little self control she had over herself is rapidly slipping away. 

_i'm okay. i'll be back._

lucy swallows hard "that's definitely her handwriting?" 

alex nods "it's her handwriting, it's paper from her notebook. the pen was sitting on the bed." she says "kara wrote this. and we saw her last night." alex finishes "she was in the lab with lena, working on an ignition concept for the bomb." 

"so she, left," lucy hazards "between when you saw her, and this morning." 

alex nods. 

lucy considers, remembers lois' mentioning something this morning over their quick conversation in the gym. she swallows "i knew james talked to lucy this morning." lucy tells her "they talked about clark." 

alex freezes. 

her face goes pale. 

"about clark?" she repeats. 

lucy nods. 

alex whips around and lucy has never been so sure that someone's life was in immediate danger. so she's running out of the training room, barefooted, after alex knowing there's not a thing in the world she could say that would pull alex off this path. 

which means when they round a corner and alex sees james, in a dark grey long sleeve and black jeans, lucy worries directly for his health and safety. which is only furthered when alex says "hey," and yanks james back by the arm. 

he whips around, confused and certainly not suspecting an assault from alex danvers this early in the morning "what'd you tell kara?"

james blinks "what?" 

alex steps forward and two more events happen in rapid succession. first, lucy steps between them. it doesn't matter that she's smaller, not when she's got a hand on alex's chest and is trying, note trying, to push her backwards. 

the next thing that happens is what lucy will later classify as a miracle. 

maggie sawyer appears. 

maggie sawyer appears on alex's other side, hand curling around alex's bicep and it's maggie saying 

"woah, alex, what's going on?" 

and lucy will classify this as a miracle because alex stands down. 

kind of. 

between lucy and maggie, mostly maggie, alex takes half a step back, giving james some breathing room. lucy watches as alex turns to maggie, barely bridled emotions crossing her face "i-" she's saying "it's kara." she explains, shoving the note into maggie's hands "she's gone." 

"she's gone?" james repeats, and lucy once again steps between alex and james. 

at this point, maggie has herself between james and alex as well. but it's with a hand on alex's hip, and a look on her face that lucy can't see from this angle "you talked to kara this morning." lucy says, looking at james and speaking calmly "kara is now gone. she left a note." 

"and you think it had something to do with what i said?" james asks 

"you talked to her about clark, i don't know what you told her but i know you've got no idea what it means. especially this time of year. what. did. you. tell. her?" alex demands

"we talked about a lot." james says.

"james," lucy sighs, as alex practically growls and it seems to take all of maggie's strength to keep alex from throwing james into a wall. 

"we talked about clark's regrets." james says "and we talked about when he died." 

"you what?" alex says, and she's gone incredibly still against maggie's touch. 

james swallowed "when he died." james repeats "what clark thought about." 

alex lunges and this time she pushes past maggie, even past lucy. she grabbing james by his shirt and pushing him into a wall "you thought that was a good idea? when the anniversary of his death is in two days? you thought telling kara what he thought about when he died was smart?" 

"she deserves to know." james counters and there's a struggle going on because both lucy and maggie are trying to pull alex back. 

but it doesn't happen until alex lets herself be pulled back. 

when she does, her chest is heaving, she's breathing hard and she's looking at maggie, speaking to her like she's the only one around "it's - this time of year, for kara." she shakes her head, and then turns back to james, venom in her voice "she lost her whole family." alex says "everyone she was ever blood related to was killed." she continues "and you decided to regale her about the last thoughts of the only connection she had to that family. you didn't fucking think." 

"alex," maggie is saying quietly "yelling at james isn't going to help us find kara." 

"we -" alex shakes her head and she seems to sag into maggie's touch "we can't find her, mags. not if she doesn't want to be found." 

"alex-" james starts, but lucy looks over at him. 

"not the time." lucy says. 

james sighs, runs a hand across the top of his head "i didn't think she would take off." 

"james," lucy says again, firmer "go find lois." 

he doesn't seem to want to leave, and the worst part is lucy knows he's going to feel terrible. she knows that whatever james and kara talked about, it was probably a good conversation for them, minus the part where kara is now missing. 

but still, 

lucy likes james. 

she just knows that he fucked up and until kara's back, alex is still going to want to kill him. 

which, on the topic of alex, she glances over at alex and maggie - seeing them standing close, seeing maggie's hand at the small of her back, speaking gently, speaking calmly, like they're not in the middle of a crowded hallway. 

lucy tries not to listen, tries not to feel like she's spying - but the tension is radiating off of alex in waves and alex is saying things like 

"-not connected to a james at all, what if it's the council -" 

which maggie counters "she'd put up a fight. if it was the council, you know she'd put up a fight." 

alex lets out a shaky breath "mags, i can't lose her." 

lucy swallows and steps to alex's other side "we'll find her." lucy says "okay?" 

because there's something that's shifted in lucy, watching alex danvers prepare to rip a mans throat out. 

when she first arrived and the person who had been her hero stood before her - lucy was angry, but she was also wrong. she was wrong because alex never left her sister. alex never stopped protecting and caring and fighting for kara. she never abandoned her post. 

"you know kara best." maggie reminds alex "we'll find her." 

"we'll help you find her." lucy echoes. 

but helping find kara is not an easy task. when alex had said that if kara truly wanted to not be found, she wouldn't be, it seems there was a strong degree of truth to that. which has left them scouring the shatterdome, scouring the area outside the shatterdome and finding nothing. 

less than nothing. 

and the longer kara isn't found, the more worked up alex is getting. the more worked up alex is getting, the more it seems like she needs to do something, needs to hit something. 

so lucy volunteers. 

they've been sitting around waiting -because that's what j'onns orders had been -

his orders had also ended with alex all but shouting at him, tears in her eyes, desperation in words because she can't just not look for her little sister. but her fury hadn't shaken j'onn. 

it was impressive to witness, to see the man standing there with such calm and understanding and telling alex that he will investigate the council. and promising, promisng if they had anything to do with kara's disappearance, alex would be the first to know. 

so alex is left to pace and wait and even maggie can't seem to calm her. 

not like when she's like this. 

so lucy walks over, she says "let's go spar." 

alex freezes, looks over at lucy "pacing is going to get to your head." lucy explains "hitting something will help." 

"and you're volunteering?" maggie asks, an eyebrow raised because they all know this means lucy is going to get her ass kicked.

"i'll take one for the team." lucy says "and then m'gann can." 

"gee thanks partner." m'gann says, then adds "for the team." 

so they walk down to the training room, the rangers only training room and inside this space, it seems like it's a little easier to breath. lucy, never having actually found her shoes to begin with, steps onto the mat. 

alex takes a moment to slip off her own shoes, and then her socks. she takes a deep breath before stepping onto the mat and facing off against lucy "hand to hand?" lucy asks. 

alex nods.

lucy is promptly on her back. 

it happened so quick, alex moved impossibly fast, tipping lucy onto her back with a leg sweep. 

m'gann laughs and maggie shakes her head. 

but alex seems less tense. 

lucy stands, they face off and this time lucy is more prepared. but fighting alex danvers is a one sided affair, for every jab lucy lands, she finds herself pressed face first into the mat, or with alex's forearm pressed against her throat. 

lucy taps and she taps and she knows this is for alex. she knows that doing something is a better outlet then not doing anything at all. but eventually, eventually lucy's body is aching and her throat is dry and it's maggie that walks over to alex. 

it's maggie that puts a hand on alex's shoulder and it's maggie who pulls alex off the mat. alex is shaking, her hands, her entire body and alex allows herself to be lead away from the mat before stopping short. 

she lets out a choked sob, her form curling in on itself first, then allowing maggie to curl around her, guiding her out of the room. 

lucy lays out on the mat, sweating, exhausted, but feeling like at the very least, she helped. and she learned a few things, but judging by the size of m'ganns smirk, m'ganns mind is elsewhere.

lucy hauls herself over to m'gann, flipping her off "don't even say it." she says quietly. 

it's only a murmur as they watch maggie guide alex out of the training room. 

"say what?" m'gann asks, smirking, drawing lucy's attention back to the moment. 

"kara is missing." lucy reminds her "this isn't the time for," 

"for you taking one for the team and getting your ass kicked by alex?" m'gann replies and lucy rolls her eyes, m'gann continues "don't be offended, you know how i deal with tense situations." 

"i could write a book with the number of terrible jokes you've made." 

"oh listen," m'gann says "you volunteering to get pummeled by alex danvers isn't a terrible joke." 

"it was that or let her beat james olsen." 

"tell me about that." m'gann says "i'm upset i missed that."

lucy, still on her back, looks over at m'gan "he and kara talked," she explains "this morning. but james probably said some things that he shouldn't have, given the date coming up. alex could kill him." 

"are you only just realizing that?" m'gann says "she could probably kill any of us." 

"true." lucy agrees "come help me stretch." she prompts, nudging m'gann with a toe. 

m'gann obliges, taking lucy's leg in two hands and lifting "you know," she says "we never really," she pauses "talked about your dad." 

lucy looks away. 

"luce," m'gann says "luce look at me." 

lucy does, after a beat "he arrested us." she says. 

"yeah." m'gann says "he did. and your sister blackmailed him into un-arresting us." 

lucy blinks, they switch legs and this one's tighter, m'gann moves slower with her stretches "what do you want me to say?" 

"something," m'gann says "anything about how you're feeling." 

"it was almost a month ago." 

"so?" m'gann says "my whole family died eleven years ago and you're still making me talk about it." 

"that's not the same." 

"you're right." m'gann says "my family," she swallows "they're staying dead, but your family? it's messy and complicated, but alive and you've got to have feelings about that." 

"there is no distinction," lucy says, speaking towards the far wall to her right "between work and family. not for my dad. i don't remember the last time we talked where it was just, you know, us. not general lane and ranger lane." 

lucy brings her legs to the floor and m'gann is sitting more or less between them, reaching for one of lucy's feet, starting to work her ankle "and talking to him about that is," 

"impossible and you know that." 

"i know." 

"so what am i supposed to do? he's got his way to save the world, i've - we've got ours and in the next few six or so weeks. we'll see who's right." 

"what does lois say about it?"

m'gann switches ankles and lucy sighs "she and my dad have historically not gotten along." 

"she was pretty mad at him though." 

lucy nearly laughs "that's one way to put it." she sighs "it's not that i'm not affected by all of it m'gann, i think i'm just so, you know, used to it by now." 

m'gann releases lucy's ankle and lucy pushes back into a sitting position. there's a pause and then the door is being pulled open and winn is running in, looking wide eyed "where's alex?" he asks 

"upstairs," lucy says "with maggie. check their rooms." she pauses and calls out to winn as he turns "what's up?" 

"it's kara." winn says "she's back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all. i know it's been a minute between updates, and i'll be honest - it's only partially associated with my knee. coming back to the states has been complicated for me. and while the rest of the story is fully outlined (we're looking at another 8-9ish chapters), i'm having trouble actually writing it. 
> 
> so, never fear, this story will be finished. but i make no promises on when. 
> 
> sorry.


	16. now - twelve - a promise never made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it takes time, this maggie knows, to come down from panic, from fear like this. and she knows at the end of it all is a sweeping exhaustion, so she shifts, steps back, feels the way alex's hands tighten, the way her body seems to follow maggie's "i'm not leaving you," maggie says "let's get you upstairs."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written whilst listening to _in the shadow of the colossi_ by _doug kaufman_
> 
> tw: panic attacks, homophobic violence, over stimulation 
> 
> check the notes at the end for a better description.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**  
**may - 2022**

guiding alex to her room takes time. not because alex fights maggie, or runs off, or pushes her away. it's that they enter a stairwell and it's there, between gasping breaths, that alex can't move any more. it starts in her legs. they lock and she wavers and maggie finds herself reaching, steadying alex with both hands. 

"easy," she says, speaking quietly, doing her best not to startle alex, feeling the swell of panic in alex's body as a sort of ratcheting tension "steady, i've got you." 

and all alex can do is nod and fist at maggie's shirt, her knuckles pressing into maggie’s back, her tears drying into maggie's collar. she's sweaty and gross and maggie knows she should be perhaps a little icked out, but all she can bring herself to be in this moment is worried. 

worried because she knows alex. 

she's drifted with her - been inside her mind, and all maggie saw was kara. 

protect her. love her. protect her. love her. over and over again. 

and now, with this, 

maggie was, is, may again one day be a cop. she knows the statistics on disappearances, she knows the odds. yet she also knows that none of them apply to aliens. that none of them apply to potentially emotionally distraught aliens who are the last, the last, 

_the last_

of her kind. 

maggie tries to think what that must be like, tries to imagine being the only human left in the universe. how incredibly lonely, how incredibly alone kara must feel. maggie tries to imagine hearing the last words, the last thoughts, the last anything - said, spoken and felt, by the only other person who could understand. 

it would be a punch to the gut. it would be worse than that. 

maggie is incredibly aware how each wracked breath alex tries to take echoes loudly, how it's only a matter of time before someone walks down these stairs, before someone sees. and it's not that this needs to be hidden - maggie knows the footage of alex going after the p.p.d.c officers who dragged kara away circulated the dome quickly - but this is private. 

this kind of destruction, it's not something to be broadcast. 

hell, maggie barely feels like she belongs. but alex is gripping at her, alex is trying to breath and trying to calm and failing, failing, 

and usually, maggie is sure this is where kara would come in. 

but kara is gone and kara is the cause. 

so maggie will. maggie must. 

so she does. 

she runs her hand up and down alex's back, taking even, equal breaths, her other hand pressed against alex's chest. maggie is doing her best to encourage quietly, using all the techniques reyna taught her. 

[maggie's never told reyna about her father, but she thinks reyna must know. the way, back then, when she was younger, maggie would startle at the simple things. she would bite back fear that shone in her eyes and brought blood to her lips. maggie thinks reyna must know.] 

"alex," maggie is saying, "can you breathe into my hand? can you do that for me?"

at first alex doesn't respond. at first alex's breathing is a staccato of hiccups and choking sounds and it scares maggie. it scares her just a little so she changes tactics. she goes for grounding alex first because maggie can _almost_ feel how deep inside her head, alex is. 

"can you look at me, alex?" maggie asks, seeking eye contact - and she waits, she's patient, she keeps stroking alex's back, until finally, finally alex meets her gaze. 

there are still tears in her eyes, her cheeks are splotchy and her nose running. in the moment they share eye contact, maggie sees the embarrassment well up and alex starts to look away. 

"hey," maggie says gently, gently - and alex's eyes flit back "i'm here." 

alex blinks at her, but doesn't look away. 

"i'm here," maggie says again, her hand resting lightly against alex's chest "we're going to find kara." maggie says, because that's true. 

maggie knows alex would rip apart heaven and earth across every universe just to bring her sister back. 

"but right now," maggie continues "right now i just need you to breathe. can you do that," she pauses "can you do that for me? you don't need to do anything else, i've got you. just breathe into my hand." 

alex nods, she tries to speak but she can't, the words won't come right and her grip tightens on maggie's shirt "i've got you." maggie says quietly "just breathe, just breathe." 

so alex nods again, and she looks away with her eyes screwed shut. with her chest heaving, but her breathing slowing. bit by bit. 

it takes time, this maggie knows, to come down from panic, from fear like this. and she knows at the end of it all is a sweeping exhaustion, so she shifts, steps back, feels the way alex's hands tighten, the way her body seems to follow maggie's "i'm not leaving you," maggie says "let's get you upstairs." 

they walk side by side, alex's hand gripping maggie's with a strength that isn't nearly her full capacity. 

step by step, they get there. 

they get there, to alex's room, maggie fishing the key from alex's pocket and pushing the door open. there's a half second where she feels alex's pause, the breath hitching in her chest and maggie knows, 

she knows alex is half hoping that the door will swing open, that the door will swing open and alex will see kara curled up in her bed. or sitting on the couch. or any of a dozen other options - anything that would place kara in this room. 

but she's not here. the room is cool and dark and quiet, but empty. it makes alex let out another choked breath "she-" alex says 

"we'll find her." maggie promises "but you need to rest." 

"how can i-" alex starts, but maggie is already guiding her to the bed, to sit on the edge. 

"you're exhausted, danvers." maggie says, standing in front of her. 

"i-i'll have to tell my mom." alex says "i- she-" 

maggie can see alex getting worked up again, her posture tensing, her voice pitching. so maggie kneels, she hovers her hands over alex's knees until alex nods and maggie speaks "you need rest." she says again "i'll wake you the moment we learn anything, okay? but you'll be more help rested." 

maggie swallows hard, she hopes she's doing this whole support thing right. alex made it seem so damn easy to be exactly what maggie needed after the drift. 

"you'll stay?" alex asks, her voice small, her voice unsure. 

maggie squeezes alex's knees "yeah al, i'll stay." 

that seems to be enough to convince alex to at least lay down in the bed, and maggie starts to move away, but alex grabs for her wrist. it's a touch so light maggie's surprised, but she stays, she sits, letting alex turn away from her, but press her back against maggie. 

maggie sits, she strokes alex's back and doesn't speak. she doesn't need to, not with alex's breathing slowing, slowing, steadying - asleep. 

once she's sure alex is out, maggie stands, letting out a long, long breath and running a hand through her hair. first she gets water for alex, placing the cup on the floor by the bed. then she moves back to the bed, sitting on the edge, trying to sort out her thoughts from her feelings. 

it isn't easy work. 

not with her instincts screaming to help alex, to protect alex. 

and not with her thoughts drifting to kara - where, how, why, when - just to start. maggie wants pen and a paper, she wants to approach this from a missing persons angle. yet before she can, 

there's a knock at the door. 

maggie moves towards it, opening it as quietly as she can, hoping desperately to not wake alex. 

and she's face to face with kara.

kara who is sopping wet. who is shaking. who is wearing an unreadable expression on her face and maggie just, 

on the one hand - thank god. 

on the other, she pushes kara a step out into the hallway, closing the door gently, gently behind her "where have you been?" she whisper-shouts "what were you thinking? just running off? do you know what it did to alex? what you did to alex?" 

kara's standing there, dripping onto the floor and doesn't say anything. she's biting her lip and her hands are in fists and maggie has so many questions, so many worries. and perhaps yelling at kara wasn't the best opening play, but fuck, 

the kid had everyone worried. 

"are you hurt?" maggie asks, the initial shock wearing off, the concern rising because maggie has never seen kara looking so vulnerable, and so unable to speak.

which makes what happens next unexpected.

kara letting out a pained sob, and crumbling. 

and she's got a few inches on maggie, so she wavers a bit and maggie is reaching, putting her hands on kara's arms, trading to steady her. instead she ends up with kara's pulling her into a hug, a hug that's almost too tight and god -

"kara you're freezing." maggie says, trying to take a full breath "where have you been?" 

maggie is trying to figure out how to both open the door and get kara inside, when one of those problems is solved. the door opens behind her and out steps alex. she's groggy at first, but she snaps to an impressive alertness as she takes in her little sister, sobbing, soaking, shaking. 

"kara," she breathes, and whatever anger maggie may have expected in alex's voice, is gone. it's only concern, it's only worry. 

maggie feels kara look up, feels kara move from maggie's arms, to alex's and it's incredibly personal, maggie thinks, the way they interact. the way that alex runs her hands down kara's back, down her arms, through her hair before putting a finger under her chin and waiting for kara to look up. but when kara can't, alex presses a kiss to kara's forehead, pulls her closer "you need dry clothes." alex is whispering, "i've got you. i've got you, come on." 

and maggie is frozen in the hallway, feeling like she should leave, but wanting to come. wanting to look out for alex, for kara. 

she decides to leave, starts to turn when alex says her name "mags," maggie turns, looks in the doorway and alex has two arms wrapped around kara's shoulders and she's looking at maggie over her shoulder "you coming in?"

"are you sure?" maggie can't help but ask, and she watches as alex's eyes soften. 

"yeah," alex says "i'm sure. i want you here." 

so maggie follows and maggie makes sure to close the door behind her and maggie is a little bit scared because the danvers sisters are so much a universe of their own making, and even as the door closes with a soft hitch from the lock, 

alex is standing in front of kara, alex is stroking kara's back, alex is speaking words maggie can't quite catch into kara's ear. and kara, 

god, 

kara is sobbing and maggie is sure she's never seen this kind of pain before. not even when her father died and the idea of who he was supposed to be, versus the reality of who - what - he was, really hit maggie. not even then had she been this broken. 

this is, 

maggie isn't quite sure. 

but kara is pressing her hands to her ears and when she tries to speak, she starts off in english, but ends in a language maggie doesn't recognize. so when alex turns to maggie and asks 

"can you do me a favour?" 

maggie says "sure, anything." stepping forward, ready to help. 

"the box, under my bed. can you open it, get the headphones from inside." alex is whispering, whispering. 

maggie obliges, opening the box and seeing a collection of objects. the first is a black headphone case which she grabs, the second another pair of glasses, a couple books. maggie doesn't have time to take in the rest. instead she replaces the lid and starts to unzip the glasses case. at the same time, kara whimpers and alex soothes, her hands easing those which kara has pressed against her own ears. 

maggie pulls out the headphones and hands them to alex, alex who takes them easily, who coaxes kara's hands off her ears, who fills the space with headphones that make kara relax at once. it's not much, but it is enough. 

it seems like it's step one in that of calming kara down, and the next has alex moving kara towards the bathroom "second drawer." alex says "sweatpants and then the hoodie on the couch please." 

again with the whispering. 

maggie obliges, she finds the required clothes and does her best not to look as alex has basically stripped kara and is drying her down with an impossibly fluffy towel. kara, kara is speaking, but it's again in this language that maggie doesn't understand. 

alex does though. 

alex is replying, in english. 

"i've got you." she says and "i'm just glad you're safe." and then, as she's pulling the hoodie down over kara's outstretched arms "hey, hey, look at me kara, all you need to do right now is breathe." 

but kara seems intent on speaking, on looking at maggie, at looking at alex and saying, this time in english "i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to-" 

"it's okay." alex is saying, "it's okay. just breathe." 

alex is guiding kara to the couch, reaching with a hand and pulling maggie with her. until they're sitting, a tangle of limbs and kara pressing herself against alex, clutching at her, the headphones still adorned, the hoodie pulled up. kara's not crying any more, but she still looks haunted, still seems shaken. 

alex, exhausted so clearly, is stroking kara's back and looking at maggie over her sisters shoulder. but before either of them can say anything, kara speaks. 

english, 

her words rough, her voice worn. 

"i talked to james about clark." she starts, speaking into alex's chest "he was in his head when he died." 

there's a stretch of silence.

kara's shaking again and maggie reaches out, putting her hand on kara's calf "take your time." she coaxes, unsure if she's overstepping, but alex seems like she's two steps from tears herself. 

"james said that clark thought about going home." she pauses, shakes her head "but home wasn't-" she shakes her head "it wasn't krypton." she admits, voice hollow "it was earth. a farm. i -" she stops herself, clutching at alex "he know." kara says quietly, finally "but he didn't know." 

"oh kara." alex breathe, and at that, kara dissolves into more tears, curling into alex, gripping her shirt. 

it makes maggie's chest ache, to hear and to see the tears of someone so obviously agonized, so obvious in pain. and alex, alex has tears in her eyes, doing her best to calm kara, to keep her from being too overstimulated, maggie guesses. 

"i'm sorry for running." kara says, the words slurring and maggie hopes it means sleep is on the way for at least one danvers sister. 

"we'll talk about it later." alex says "i'm just glad you're safe." 

kara mumbles something that sounds like "but we're not." except her words are slurred and it comes out a blur and alex frowns, but there's nothing to be done now because kara is out, curled fully a top alex, sniffling slightly still.

alex looks across kara's head to maggie, one hand still moving across kara's back - up and down and up and down "at least she's safe." alex says quietly. 

"at least." maggie agrees, but it doesn't seem like kara is remotely okay "has she," maggie pauses, trying to find a different way to ask the question "you're comfortable around her when she's like this." 

it's not a perfect wording, but there's a question in it that maggie doesn't know how to ask. luckily alex seems to understand "when she first got here," alex says "when she first stayed with us, she couldn't control her powers at all." 

there's a ghost of a laugh in alex's eyes "it was chaos, some of it was funny, but she would get overstimulated." she explains "like tonight, with the noise, her hearing. we found that the headphones help. help muffle the noise, or at least help her sort it so it's not slamming her all at once." 

maggie nods "and the running away?" 

"she's never done that before. alex says. 

maggie bites her lip, then asks "and all that stuff, about clark?" 

alex's eyes darken "he abandoned her." she says with all the fury that one can carry in a whisper. 

oh.

maggie takes a breath "that's-" 

"kara could always forgive him. because he's family. he was part of the last of them." she says, bitter "but it killed her." alex bites "the fact that he never showed. he never came to visit. and sure," alex continues "the kaiju were coming and," she pauses "but she was thirteen. she was a kid. and she needed him. and he wasn't there." 

maggie isn't sure if alex has ever said that to anyone before. 

"i can only imagine how hard that was." maggie says quietly, thumb moving absently along kara's calf "for the both of you." 

alex nods quietly "i'm still mad at her." she says, her eyes closed, her arms wrapped around kara "but later, later i'll shout." 

"i think she'll understand." maggie says, muffling her own yawn. 

"i just love her." alex says, mirroring maggie's yawn. 

"i know, and she knows." maggie says, and she's surprised by how tired she is, how the emotional rollercoaster of the day has snuck up on her and worn her down. 

so when she wakes up it's a bit of a surprise. 

although surprise isn't the word she'd use for it. surprise isn't the way she would describe being jolted into consciousness by someone, something, hitting her in the face. because maggie's taken a lot of hits, she's taken a lot of beatings in her lifetime and some she can shake off. some happen in training, where getting hit means learning something, where it means taking a step back and fighting your way back up. but some, 

maggie is eight. 

she is nine. 

she is eleven. 

she is trapped. there is the suffocating weight pinning her to the couch, and 

_they're football players. big and muscly and white. with their pick up trucks and their girlfriends and their hands pressing maggie against the fence. she can feel the chainlink pressing into her back, she can feel her hands grappling for purchase, curling around the metal because her feet aren't touching the ground._

_her toes are scrabbling in the dust, but the slap to her face stings and the punch to her gut makes her double over - or it would if she could._

_but she's hit again and again and again, until finally there's blood in her mouth and they let go and she's collapsed in the dust. she's_

her knees are pressing into the cool of the floor, her hands are wrapped around herself, she's bent double, her face stings, she can't breathe, she can't breathe. 

"mags," someone is saying, a voice cutting through the buzzing in her head, rattling in her chest "mags, I'm here. you're here, everything's going to be okay." 

alex. alex. alex. 

maggie opens her eyes, she sees the floor, she sees a figure out of the corner of her eye, she sees alex.

alex. 

she looks down, looks away, closes her eyes and tries to regulate her breathing, but she can't. closing her eyes brings her back to the beating, to the chainlink fence and the dirt and the football players who got away with anything because of their heroics under the friday night lights. 

maggie forces her eyes open. 

she's squeezing herself hard, trying to ground, trying to tether herself, trying to breathe. 

it's not really working. 

"mags," again it's alex's voice, she sounds closer "mag's can i touch you?" 

maggie nods, she nods because she can feel alex around her, mentally, physically and it's alex's hand that smooths down the curve of maggie's back, across her shoulders. it's alex who tethers maggie, and later, 

[much later] 

that will be scary and important but now is not that time. now is alex scooting closer to maggie and maggie can feel alex's warmth and her strength and slowly maggie isn't choking on dust. slowly maggie feels her ribs release her lungs, her hands lessen their ironclad grip on her shirt, on her hips. 

"you're okay." alex is saying quietly "you're okay. i promise you're okay, you're safe. i won't let anything hurt you."

and that, 

that is a promise no one has made to maggie before. 

so she doesn't believe it. but she does sit up, and she does lean into alex's arms and maggie sees kara sitting on alex's bed, pressed against the wall, looking pale, biting her lip, eyes shining. 

"i'm sorry." kara says, and she looks so small, so uncertain, it stirs something in maggie "i don't - i hurt you. i didn't mean to hurt you." 

"it's okay." maggie says "i've taken worse." 

and she feels alex stiffen, she sees shadows pass over kara's eyes and kara shakes her head "i hurt you. i scared you." 

"you scared your sister earlier." maggie says "scared us all, disappearing." 

kara shakes her head, she closes her eyes and maggie is so sure she's never seen kara look so young "we were worried." maggie says, watching how kara shirks away from maggie, squeezes her legs closer to her chest, even as maggie sits on the bed. 

"kara," maggie says gently, waiting, waiting for kara to look at her "kara i'm okay." she says "i-" she takes a deep breath "I'll probably have a great bruise," she says,"but i'm not mad at you. I've been hit by a lot of people, and the ones who enjoyed it, they didn't look like you after." 

alex's hand is on her knee. 

maggie's heart is in her throat. 

"okay little danvers?" maggie prompts "you're not, you're not bad, you're not dangerous. i trust you." 

maggie can count the number of people she trusts on one, 

two, 

hands. 

"okay." kara says, reaching out to where maggie has put her hand on the bed "okay." then "i'm sorry." 

"i know you are." maggie says "that's the difference." 

alex squeezes her knee and maggie squeezes kara's hand and they both watch as kara unfurls herself from the corner, as she pulls away and there's a kara shaped dent in the concrete. 

"our plan won't work." kara says "our plan to stop the kaiju." she says, looking between maggie and alex "we- we can't get through the breach. it won't work."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first: alex is overwhelmed with worry for kara. kara descends into a panic attack and over stimulation upon returning, kara wakes up and lashes out accidentally hitting maggie in the face. maggie is triggered and flashes back to a time she was beaten in high school by homophobic football players and also has a panic attack. chapter ends with some mutual comfort between maggie and kara, and kara telling alex and maggie that the current plan to stop the kaiju won't work. 
> 
> second: y'all, it has been far too long. but here we are. the next chapter up and posted for you. i'm so incredibly excited to bring this next chapter to y'all. 
> 
> i just want to say thank you to everyone who has stuck with me. to everyone who's been with my from the beginning you know who you are and i want to give you all the hugs. to everyone who's joined us along the way, you're amazing and i just, 
> 
> i'm too excited. :D :D :D 
> 
> feel free to drop a comment below, or hit me up on tumblr @ onefootone!


	17. now - thirteen - the girl is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you watch as lena venture over to a sink, washing her hands carefully, drying them. in the silence you find you can't help but ask "why'd you help us?" 
> 
> "why'd i go against my family and put my entire company's fortune into backing the jaeger project?" lena counters, and it's clear she's been bracing for this question for some time. 
> 
> "yes." you won't deny that's the question you'd been asking. 
> 
> lena sighs "i don't know how much you know about my family alex, but," she sighs "it's imperfect at best. my brother started to crack under the pressure of being a jaeger ranger. he faked science intended to cancel the jaeger program. and my mother," her voice turns dark "my mother believed her sons delusions." 
> 
> "but not her daughters logic?" 
> 
> "i am lillian's daughter when it's convenient for her." lena sighs, her voice tight, but you hear the pain underneath that "so really, when lois approached me with what she knew, the right thing was to do whatever the opposite of my mother wanted. and here we are."

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

somewhere between trying to explain how the end of the world is coming and there's nothing - nothing apparently - that can be done about it, kara launches into a full on panic attack. or rather, not a panic attack, but her powers are flaring and she's over stimulated at best so nothing else is really all that important. your primary concern is divided into two parts, 

first - calm kara down 

second - keep maggie safe 

your own safety is not exactly the point, you've got scars from near misses with her laser eyes and you're really good at reading her face so you can tell when she's about to start blasting something. which she does and you're pulling maggie behind you, away from kara. kara who's shaking, who's got nowhere to put her hands until you take them. until she's trying to get away, stammering "alex - alex, you can't. i'll hurt you, i can't." 

but her fear clouds the reality of the situation and you know kara. you know kara, 

so you hug her. 

you hug her and you hug her tight because in the times when her powers are out of control, kara immerses herself in you. in the sound your heart beating, the sound of your lung working, your blood moving through your veins. she loses herself in it all. she pushes herself to be lost in it all, in all of you, because you are steady, you are calm, you are everpresent. 

so kara grips you, presses her forehead against your chest, she takes deep, shuddering breaths when she calms enough to do so. and all the while you hold her close, you check maggie over kara's shoulder, maggie who seems okay, who seems concerned over anything else. maggie who's sitting on the edge of the bed waiting patiently. patiently until there's a knock on the door and kara tenses and maggie holds up a hand, stopping you from moving. 

maggie walks across to get the door and perhaps you expected j'onn, but instead it's lucy, and m'gann. it's their worried voices laced with relief and it's kara tensing again because it's too many heart beats, it too many words, it's too much, too much, too much.

"they can come in." she's mumbling "but quietly."

you're not so sure it's a great idea, but that doesn't matter. kara wants them in, so you nod to maggie and hear maggie say "yeah, come in, but you have to be quiet."

and whatever lucy and m'gann think when they walk in the door to see you standing with kara in your arms, rocking kara slightly, calming her fully - you don't care. this is your sister, this is your person and there's already a smoking crater in the wall where her heat vision blasted into the concrete, 

it's certainly less than conspicuous, 

so lucy and m'gann are going to know something's up,

but right now it's not important.

[it will be, oh how it well be - but that's later. that's certainly not now] 

right now you need kara calm.

and you hear kara counting in kryptonian, the numbers going up and up until you stop being able to recognize what she's saying - you can count to one hundred and fifty nine - but it's what she does.

counts to a thousand,

back down - all in pace with your heartbeat.

two thousand beats of your heart and by the end, she's calm. she's still wearing the headphones, but she's pulled the hood back up over her ears, she's got her hands pulled inside the sleeves of the hoodie and she's still leaning into you, aware of all the eyes on her.

she swallows and speaks, her voice rough, to you "could you find lena?"

"lena?" you frown

"she's got this tea." kara explains "it's," she fumbles "calming. when we do work in the lab, sometimes, you know..." she trails off "it would help."

you nod, understanding and yet also surprised that lena seems to have been witness to kara becoming over stimulated. something you didn't know was happening as often as it apparently has been - but the stress of saving the world has been getting to all of you. and if lena luthor has been helping kara, than who are you to say no.

"i'll be right back, okay?" you say "i'll find lena and her tea."

kara nods, then adds "bring winn as well."

you nod, you're sure that you should probably find j'onn, but you also know that kara doesn't need a dressing down from the marshall. so, you figure, find lena and her tea, find winn, bring them all back as requested and hear what kara has to say. 

it's not that you don't trust her, lena luthor, it's that you don't really know her. not in an in person way. you know of her reputation, of who her family is, who her family consorts with. but her, 

you haven't had time for a meeting.

not like it seems kara has. 

which, 

you're descending down and down and down towards the labs now, 

is your fault, you're aware. you've had different priorities over the past few weeks. the jaeger. the end of the world. 

the jaeger. 

you know enough to know the lab that lena is apparently most often found in, and you figure during a time like this, 

it's the best place to check first. 

you knock twice, trying to remember the words, what you're hear for. 

and then there's a soft, "come in." 

you pull open the door and step inside, taking in the amass of papers spread before lena. open textbooks and the sleeves of her labs jacket rolled up. her hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail and "alex," lena says, clearly surprised to see you walk in "what a surprise, is everything alright? I heard kara -" 

"she's back." you sigh, relieved to be able to say those words "and asking for you, and your tea?" you pause, looking at the woman across from you. 

you know what kara's told you about her, 

of how smart lena is, 

_"i'm not kidding alex, she's a genius. she just, you know that textbook on quantum physics you love. she's worked with the professor who wrote it."_

and yet, 

she's a kid. younger than kara. 

[someone else too young to have to save the world - and yet here she is] 

it's hard though, try as you might, to forget her connection to general lane. 

her connection to her mother and thus the connection to lane. to lex luthor. 

she's a luthor and yet - 

kara has also told you of how kind, and, rambling at times, how lonely lena is. because of lex. because of her mother. because of the pressures there, and pressure from parents is something you can understand. 

can relate to. 

"she says you've got some sort of tea that calms her down, when she's-" you stop, trying to search for the right word. 

"overstimulated." lena supplies, and she must read a reaction in your face because then she says "her choice of words, not mine." as she's slipping off the stool she'd been sitting on and walking over to a cabinet. 

"oh." you say, and it's awkward because lena may have gotten you all un-arrested but she's also younger than kara. and right now she looks young. she looks like she could be in college, amidst finals week and wouldn't look a hair out of place. 

except she's not getting a degree, she's, 

looking down at whatever lena's working on, you know enough to recognize rocket science when you see it. you remember kara's words, 

_''maybe the smartest person in the world alex, i swear.''_

and think that maybe, just maybe, there's something too that. 

you haven't had much time to spend hanging out with lena, not between relearning how to ride in a jaeger and getting back in shape and the million other science based tasks you're trying to take care of. but next to james, you know kara's been spending a lot of time with lena. working on the bomb. 

the bomb that kara is now certain won't work. 

"here," lena says, handing over a small, but surprisingly heavy wooden box "the tea."

"oh," you say again "you can come up," you say "if you want, kara asked for you." 

"asked for me," lena says slowly, the worry evident in the way her brow furrows "is she okay?" 

"poor choice of words," you conceded "she's," you start, not sure there's a simple way to describe over stimulated and terrified simultaneously "wherever she went, she learned something about the breach and she thinks the current plan isn't going to work." 

"well then," lena says, the gravity of you statement didn't go unmissed "give me a minute to wrap this up." she gestures to the work splayed on the tabletop. 

"of course." you say, asking curiously "what are you working on?"

"it's a multi-phase trigger with an accompanying sensor." lena explains turning to the table behind her and without looking up, carefully, carefully placing the device that she'd been tinkering with into a heavy duty looking box and locking it "we don't know what's on the other side of the breach, and if we get the bomb through the breach, we need it to go off." 

"so the multi-phase trigger is to prepare for a variety of conditions on the other side of the breach." you guess. 

lena smiles "exactly. kara and i chose the three most likely possibilities and now we're just building the sensors needed." 

"how'd you guys pick?" you ask as lena removes the lab coat she'd been wearing and hangs it on a hook. 

out of her labcoat she looks over dressed for the dome, but she also looks comfortable, confident. who are you to judge the kid who wants to wear heels. 

"kara was," lena says with a smile in her voice "quite determined." 

you bet. 

you watch as lena venture over to a sink, washing her hands carefully, drying them. in the silence you find you can't help but ask "why'd you help us?" 

"why'd i go against my family and put my entire company's fortune into backing the jaeger project?" lena counters, and it's clear she's been bracing for this question for some time. 

"yes." you won't deny that's the question you'd been asking. 

lena sighs "i don't know how much you know about my family alex, but," she sighs "it's imperfect at best. my brother started to crack under the pressure of being a jaeger ranger. he faked science intended to cancel the jaeger program. and my mother," her voice turns dark "my mother believed her sons delusions." 

"but not her daughters logic?" 

"i am lillian's daughter when it's convenient for her." lena sighs, her voice tight, but you hear the pain underneath that "so really, when lois approached me with what she knew, the right thing was to do whatever the opposite of my mother wanted. and here we are." 

"that's-" you start, trying to imagine all of that placed on someone so young, and you think you understand why kara likes hanging out with lena so much. 

the weight of the world on the shoulders of kids. 

"it's a lot of things alex." lena says "but it - this place, you and kara and the rest of the rangers, they are the only real chance the world has at being saved. i know that, even if the council is blind to it." 

you arrive back at the door and lena holds out her hand "i'm happy to make the tea for kara." 

"oh, sure." you say, and you hand off the box back to her, pushing open the door. 

you walk in and with lena behind you can tell from the look on maggie's face that something's happened. m'gann has slightly widened eyes and lucy seems to be doing her best to keep her jaw off the floor. you look to kara, headphone still on, kara whose face brightens when she sees lena and she stands "lena, hi, thank you." 

lena smiles back, her full attention on kara "i heard you might want some tea." 

kara shift and nods "there's more, to talk about but, please." 

you watch as lena reaches out and squeezes kara's wrist - hesitating just long enough for kara to give quiet permission "of course." 

making a mental note of that, you find maggie and sit down next to her, noticing how lucy and m'gann are still silent and staring. maggie leans into you and murmurs, with an amused smile "they may or may not have just found out kara's got some, talents." 

"talents?" m'gann hisses "the girl is-" 

you look at her with a raised eyebrow "is?" 

lucy finally finds her words "going to save the whole damn world." she murmurs. 

you can't deny that's the truth. 

\-- 

it's a half an hour before winn can be tracked down, and with winn is james, and with james is lois. you also go out to find vasquez and then otto, because really, if you're going to have half the team here, you might as well have everyone. 

minus j'onn. 

who's absence is noted when you walk in, sans vasqeuz and otto who are working in the loccan - and see lucy and m'gann on the floor, maggie, james and winn on the couch. lena looking only slightly uncomfortable sitting on the absolute edge of your bed, next to kara. kara's got her hands wrapped around a mug of a pale colored tea and looks infinitely relieved at your presence. 

"alex," she breathes and you move to sit next to her. 

"you okay?" you ask 

she nods, closing her eyes for a moment "it's just, a lot of people." 

"i can tell them to go." you offer, but kara shakes her head. 

"no." she says "they need, they need to be here." you know she sounds adamant, you know she believes whatever she learned wherever she was, 

but you worry about her. 

about the mass of people in this very small room. 

you wrap an arm around her shoulders "okay. you want to start?" 

kara swallows hard, then nods, finding your hand, "so," she says, speaking a bit louder, getting the attention of the room "there's a problem." 

everyone turns, and you make eye contact with james. he seems relieved, but also apologetic and you make a note to talk to him after this, to apologize a little bit. 

[and only a little bit] 

"i- when i was gone i found research that jerimiah danvers and clark kent were doing on the breach. and they," she pauses, squeezing your hand "they found something out about the breach. in their notes they talk about the breach like a tollway. like, you have to pay to enter but instead of paying money, the breach reads the kaiju's dna and only after it reads the dna does it let the kaiju through." she swallows 

you watch kara survey the room. you already know what the means, but you can tell kara's waiting to see if anyone else will put the pieces together. 

"so we can't just swim down to the bottom of the breach and drop a bomb through." kara says finally, "it won't work." 

"it would bounce," james supplies "like the first time." 

"exactly," kara nods "like we could set the bomb off over the breach and nothing would happen. we can't get through the breach." she sighs.

"we can't." winn is saying "but you said the kaiju can." 

"yeah," kara says. 

"so all we have to do is get a kaiju to go back through the breach and then go with it." 

"how do you recommend doing that schott? asking nicely?" maggie retorts, standing up, finding her water bottle and taking a drink. 

"i-" winn starts, flustered mildly it seems. 

you see maggie still standing, still tense. so you reach for her hand. it's not even something you think about, you just do it. you just pull her to sit down next to you. 

and she does. you can feel her tension radiating through her body and you squeeze her hand. it's not much. it's not wrapping your arm around her shoulder and pulling her close, 

but it's something. 

"slight problem there still," lucy pipes up "the kaiju have never, not even once, done anything other than head for land and kill." 

as lucy talks you feel maggie settle next to you, infantesimaly more relaxed, and your heart sings. 

"i was only saying, logically science says they should be able to get back through, if the research is right." winn replies. 

"it is." kara says "clark kept it hidden." 

"and that's where you fl- went to?" m'gann asks 

"yeah." kara sighs, looking around the room "and i'm sorry, for worrying everyone." 

"kara-" james starts, but he's cut off by the klaxon blaring and vasquez's voice blaring across the shatterdome. 

" _kaiju through the breach, codename slasher_ " and for a moment there's an uncharacteristic pause, and then vasquez is saying " _two kaiju through the breach. codename slasher and codename delta. all jaegers to bays for deployment._ " 

and for half a second there silence across the room, you're looking to maggie, everyone is sharing looks because

"alex," lucy breathes "you were right." 

"the double event." kara says 

"they'll be category fives." you say, swallowing hard.

"they don't stand a chance." m'gann decides, standing up "let's go show the council why we're better than any fucking wall." 

and then you're all moving, standing, you see steel drop into kara's spine, into her shoulders. and you? 

you're swallowing hard because it's now or never. 

life or death. 

[but fuck, you're heart is beating and maggie's hand is still in yours and with the end of the world rising all you can think about is her] 

 

#5.0#

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr @ onefootone. 
> 
> i promise this story will get finished - we've all come way to far to not make it ha 
> 
> please feel free to leave a review, they make this writer very very happy.


	18. now - fourteen - communicate everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [and only slightly unrelated, lucy thinks, thank god kara is an alien. it means there's only one danvers sister's impossible standards to try and live up to, not two]

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

a double event. 

lucy is simultaneously standing, and wondering how many apologies she's going to owe alex danvers by the time d-day comes. the girl was right in predicting an oncoming double attack, she was right on the categories and that means, lucy hazards, she's probably right about everything else. 

which means, like it or not, 

ready or not, 

the end of the world is coming. 

and if they fail today, it may already be here. 

so lucy is stood and the room seems to be moving around her. kara, out the door first, 

[and only slightly unrelated, lucy thinks, thank god kara is an alien. it means there's only one danvers sister's impossible standards to try and live up to, not two] 

followed by maggie and alex. 

and lucy, lucy lets the world slow, she takes a breath and focuses on m'gann, because m'gann is still sitting. m'gann who has always, always been keen for a fight, m'gann who should be leaping into this charge, eager to be part of the trio - 

is still sitting. 

and lucy knows why. 

doesn't even need to hear m'gann say "it's too dangerous luce, i'm a liability." 

it has nothing to do with almost shooting kara that one time, and everything to do with the drift. the lure of the drift. lucy knows because she and m'gan share a consciousness sometimes, and lucy knows, but she doesn't understand. she can’t, not wholly. all she can do now is kneel down in front of m'gann and say, speaking and half shouting over the noise of the klaxon 

"i trust you." she says "with my life. every day of the week. and i'm not going to let anything happen to you." 

and m'gann looks at her "the drift-" she starts 

"you may not think you're stronger than the rabit," lucy says "but i know we are. what's that thing that kara said, stronger together." she says, taking m'gann’s hand "come on, if you can't trust yourself, just, trust me?" 

m'gann stands, wavers on her feet and lucy squeezes her hand "okay? trust me to have your back." 

"i know you will." m'gann says because that, at the very least, is true. 

"good." lucy says with a nod "then let's go. can't let them have all the fun." 

she’s aiming for a joke, but there's underlying worry laced in the words. worry that settles in their stomachs because two? 

two kaiju of a category five? 

it's never been seen and it's never been killed and lucy knows her father's going to be watching. from whatever hole he's hiding in, behind whatever wall he's constructed, 

except lucy isn't doing this for him.

no, 

she's doing it for a whole lot of reasons, and as they walk into bay five, one of them is standing, waiting for her. 

lois. 

lois who's seen lucy and m'gann fight before. yet not like this. the stakes have always been win or die, 

but now they're higher. 

win or let the planet be consumed by aliens from another dimension. 

no big deal. 

no pressure. 

lucy and m'gann stand stock still, armour constructed around them, finishing with the helmets and suddenly the world is silent. the world is just their synchronized breathing and the sound of the comms gearing up. lucy chances one last glance at lois, sees the worry plain as day on her face. sees lois looking at her, mouthing something that could be 

'i love you' or it could be 'come back' 

but either way, the moment's gone. lucy is turning back to m'gann and they're walking into red tornado. they're walking into the head of their jaeger, and from here, 

from here zor-el is visible. 

zor-el who's already being taken out of the hanger, zor-el who takes her first step into the water. 

and god, with the perpetual half sun in the sky, zor-el is a shadow, mighty, damn near majestic, stepping into the grey and roiling seas with the confidence of, well, 

an alien, lucy supposes. 

" _prepare for the drop in ten_ " comes otto's voice across the comms " _nine._ " he continues.

the sun is shining, the rest of the world is probably only just learning about the two kaiju having erupted from the breach. the world is probably only just feeling the sparks of panic, those that will bellow into flames if they - them - the three of them - 

don't succeed here and now. 

" _eight._ " 

lucy pushes her own thoughts away, down, to the side where they can ebb and flow and not interfere with her work. with their work. instead, lucy focuses outside herself, she focuses on m'gann’s breathing, on the way it hitches, the way that betrays m’gann’s fear. 

so lucy steels herself. 

" _seven._ " 

lucy thinks about her own strength, she thinks about her own humanity, she thinks about the first time she saw m'gann, sleep deprived and scrawny. she thinks of how she didn't know it then that was the person who she would trust with her life. not just in the jaeger, but outside it as well. lucy thinks of all the ways m'gann has protected her, 

and now it's time to return the favor.

" _six._ " 

because lucy knows. 

oh she knows that m'gann wants to fight this fight, and she knows that m'gann can. she just also knows that the conversation, hearing kara, where she was words of loss and losing and alone hit home, and hit hard and they weren't expecting the kaiju to come this soon. no matter how good alex's predictions were, this, 

" _five._ " 

"i can't breath." m'gann says.

"you can." lucy replies, "just focus on me."

"i'm going to get us killed." m'gann says "lucy i nearly got us killed in the sim last week. we can't-" 

"m'gann." lucy says, cutting her off "i'm not going to let you hurt yourself or anyone else okay? the only thing dying soon are those kaiju, okay?" 

"you're insane." m'gann replies. 

"but you already knew that." lucy smirks "and yet here we still are." 

"somehow." 

so involved in their own conversation, they miss otto's countdown, they miss where he says 

" _release for drop._ " because all of a sudden they're falling and m'gann is cursing, loudly, 

"what the fuck?" she's demanding, and "that was faster than normal." 

" _coupling confirmed._ " otto says " _we greased the tracks this morning._ " he explains

"great." m'gann grumbles "what if we never did that again?" 

" _then you'd get stuck halfway down and we don't have a crane for that height._ " otto replies with a smirk in his voice " _preparing for pilot to pilot protocol._ " 

there's a beat, 

no countdown, 

and then they're slamming into the drift. 

\-- 

m'gann, m'gann is tempted by a memory. it's not one that lucy's really seen before. or rather, she has, but it's been like a butterfly, always just out of touch. until it decides to land between them at the most inconvenient of times. 

namely now. 

and lucy, oh how she knew this was going to happen. she knew and she's prepared because m'gann is so strong. yet the drift can be stronger, the drift can be more than one ever anticipates. today is no exception, where perhaps m'gann was bracing for the memories of her families destruction, 

she is hit with a memory of a different kind. 

not one of devastation, 

no, a memory that flutters to the surface, landing on their shared consciousness like a butterfly on an outstretched finger. 

for all that m'gann sees, lucy sees too. 

lucy glances, looks into the flickering images and sees m'gann. m'gann as a child. 

m'gann is nine, maybe ten. k-day is years away and she's with her family in the woods. they're camping, and m'gann is entranced by the trees, by the way they soar up into the sky, up and up and she is so small in comparison. she runs up to a redwood tree, pressing her hand into the bark and tipping her head back and just _looking._. up and up beyond her tiny frame is the canopy, a ceiling of green with blue sky splayed behind. a cloudless day, a beautiful day.

lucy stands, allowing this moment for as long as she can. giving m'gann this of the happiest memories back. 

behind them - lucy and child m'gann - can be heard the echoes of her family, of her sisters and her brother, of her parents. 

she can hear them laughing, can hear them smiling.

and for a moment it seems like m'gann might turn around, to glance in the direction of her family ambling down the wooded tract. yet instead, instead m'gann looks back to the tree, surrounded by trees and green light and lucy practically hears the child as she wonders, as she wonders if it knows it's not alone. 

there's a fragility in the moment that is shattered when the next memory comes slamming into m'gann. and this,

now this is nothing like happiness and forest trails. 

this is k-day. 

and lucy promised to protect m'gann so that's what she's going to do. lucy starts speaking, slowly, firmly, through their shared consciousness 

"m'gann listen to me," she starts 

"m'gann this is just a memory. you don't want to remember your parents like this." lucy flinches, knows what’s coming, see's a thirteen year old m'gann sprinting down the street with a little brother in tow.

lucy's voice gets firmer "m'gann listen to me, this isn't real. it's not real. it's just a memory. you don't want to remember your family like this." 

the kaiju, the first ever, 

is bearing down upon them with it's almighty roar and lucy has never felt so small. the beast is huge and bleeding and angry and lucy knows that if she doesn't pull m'gann out soon, red tornado isn't going out today. 

and they've got to go out today.

so lucy does what you're really never supposed to do to someone who's in the drift. she makes contact. she grabs m'gann's arm and spins her around. 

thirteen year old m'gann sees but doesn't see. her gaze is fixed beyond lucy, on the kaiju's almighty paw coming barreling down towards them. 

lucy knows what happens next. 

knows this is the part where m'ganns entire family is killed. 

smashed to death. 

and somehow m'gann survived.

[it’s a moment lucy has never seen. never needed to.] 

lucy squeezes m'gann's arm and says, almost shouting now "it's not real! m'gann it's not real."

and it is real, oh how real it was, how real it will be. but right now? right now it's just a memory, a ghost of the drift coming to haunt them. 

 

there’s a beat. an almighty limb coming barreling towards them and lucy is trying not to flinch and then it's m'gann gasping 

"fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." 

and it's lucy with tears rolling down her cheeks saying steadily, "you're okay. you're okay." 

"like fuck i'm okay." m'gann gasps "i told you-" she starts 

"and i told you i've got your back." lucy cuts her off "do you still trust me, m'gann?" lucy asks because none of this will work if m'gann doesn't believe in her. 

"yeah." m'gann says with a sigh "yeah, trust you luce. always." she breaths "you know that." 

lucy knows she may come off as harsh, she knows the way she handles people can be unyielding, but she can never forget that this is a war. and war is a dirty game, and it's the few who stand for the many. 

it's lucy who stands for m'gann. 

it's m'gann who stands for lucy. 

it only ever works if they're in it together.

and they are. 

and it's lucy prompting "say it, m'gann." 

there's a pause, where it's just the sounds of their racing thoughts and beyond them, beyond them it's dismantle taking her first step into the sea. 

"breathe." m'gann commands. 

"breathing." lucy replies, adding "red tornado ready and aligned." 

" _prepare to move out._ " j'onn says into the comms " _you're all ready for this._ " and now he's speaking to the trio, " _you're the best of the best. you're the people i trust most to defend the planet. go out there, work as a team, communicate everything. am i clear?_ " 

"clear, sir." comes alex's voice across the comm. 

"yes sir." comes maggies. 

"understood." comes kara's. 

"then i vote," m'gann says, and lucy can feel how hard she's trying to be strong "i vote we kick some alien ass." 

"hey." comes kara. 

"you know what i mean." m'gann rolls her eyes "kaiju ass." 

"better." kara nods. 

"i'm so glad everyone’s chatty." maggie says "why don't we focus on the task at hand. who's got coordinates for the kaiju?" 

before lucy or m'gann can reply, they're taking their first step into the ocean. the ocean spray whips in the wind, 

and they’re off.

they're all out here now. 

the weight of the world in their hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all i have a bit of a rhythm with superpac!au at the moment, so i'm rolling with it. thank you to everyone who commented and kudoed the last chapter, y'all are true gems and make this writer very happy. 
> 
> feel free to come and shout about, well, whatever you'd like, with me on my tumblr @ onefootone. 
> 
> as always, this story would be nowhere without the incomparable bathtimefunduck, who is also on tumblr.


	19. now - fifteen - this is not the rodeo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maggie's brain is trying to catch up - but not fast enough. because then alex, who looks so battle ready, 
> 
> alex who's body is saying one thing, but her eyes are saying another.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

they're running down the hallway one moment, and then the next alex is hauling maggie around the corner. her eyes are wide and her hands, her hands are shaking. 

"maggie," alex breathes.

the hall is empty, everyone else is running to the place where they are supposed to be. and yet alex,

when maggie turns to look at her - there's something in her eyes. the look, of heat, of, of something else, it isn't reflected anywhere else across alex's body. her posture is rigid, her spine straight, her shoulders back, chin defiant 

"maggie," she says again, and oh 

oh, 

maggie's brain is trying to catch up - but not fast enough. because then alex, who looks so battle ready, 

alex who's body is saying one thing, but her eyes are saying another. 

"alex," maggie says because if this is going where she thinks it's going - 

is now the best time?

the answer to that question comes all in a rush, and yet - the moment seems to last forever. 

drawn out. 

impossibly slow - maggie seeing alex surge towards her. alex's hands cupping maggie's cheeks. and fuck, 

they're so close. maggie can feel alex's heat, her hands are coming to alex's hips as of their own accord. and, all at once and impossibly slowly, 

alex is kissing her. 

some part of maggie has to remind herself that alex has never done this before - that maggie knows alex has never done this before. yet, kissing alex, it's so easy. it's so calm and soft and maggie could easily do this for hours and hours. 

yet, there's the underswelling of urgency because the klaxon is still going off and then - 

"i just had to do that." alex breathes, stepping back, eyes wide, hands shaking "i just," 

"we gotta-" maggie says, nodding towards the appropriate hallway, her hands falling from alex's hips. 

"right." alex says, her hands dropping, walls being flung back up and maggie curses. 

but there isn't time, not with 

" _kaiju through the breach, codename slasher_ " and for a moment there's an uncharacteristic pause, and then vasquez is saying " _two kaiju through the breach. codename slasher and codename delta. all jaegers to bays for deployment._ " 

being repeated through the shatterdome. 

it's more than awkward between the two of them. alex pretending like she didn't just kiss maggie and maggie wishing she has the time to pull alex into a corner and kiss her, kiss the anxiety from her spine. 

but there is no time. 

they're in bay five, there are swarms of people and alex can barely look at maggie. 

the usual ease is lost and maggie isn't sure that her moments hesitation isn't about to get them all killed. 

\-- 

"alex," maggie says, the moment the door is closed and they're alone in the jaeger for the briefest of seconds "alex look at me." 

"let's get in." alex says, all business. 

"alex." 

"zor-el is already out." alex insists 

maggie has to concede. looking across at alex and seeing the tension across her shoulders - her hands clenching and unclenching. there's a twisting in maggie's stomach and for the first time she thinks that it doesn't have anything to do with the kaiju coming their way. 

_"countdown for the drop."_ comes vasquez's voice and god, 

maggie wants to say no. she wants to back out. not because of the kaiju coming, but the drift. 

the impending drift. 

and maggie hates being right - 

"i hate falling." alex says to no one in particular, as vasquez finishes the countdown for the drop - and maggie is't sure what kind of falling alex is referencing, until it happens. 

being flung into the drift is akin to falling. maggie feels her stomach in her throat and she is utterly unprepared for this storm that is alex's emotions, that is her mind, her memories. maggie barely has a moment to find purchase, to find something like solid ground before she awash in memories. 

_alex can't be any more than fourteen. she's walking down the street and there's a girl next to her. they're holding hands, fingers laced. the setting sun has set the sky on fire, and_

and maggie feels herself pushed out the memory, feels the way alex is spiraling, alex is fighting for control of a spiral that seems to have blindsided her. 

_alex is a little older now, so is the girl from the memory before. but this time, there is none of the relaxation between them. they're in a basement, not some quiet street. alex has wide eyes and her hands are curled into firsts and she's shouting,_

_angry and loud_

_"we're friends, i can't believe you would," there's an angry pause and maggie looks over at the other girl -_

_spluttering and confused,_

_"it's just trent," the girl is saying "he's just, we're just dating."_

_"i can't believe you vicki." is all alex but shouting -_

the drift is chaos, and for once maggie finds that her own memories are not at the heart of it all. instead alex seems to be caught in some storm, some uprising of memories and emotions. bombarding her, bombarding maggie 

_alex, sitting, curled in bed with kara. they're in a shatterdome. a laptop is sitting in their lap -_

_the movie stick it is playing_

somewhere maggie can hear j'onn's voice shouting into the comm, and vasquez trying to level them both. except neither of them are here. j'onn and vas are not in the drift, they're not feeling or seeing every moment alex has ever had that didn't make sense, 

falling into place. 

and it's a panic. 

and maggie gets it, she understands - oh how she knows - so she takes a breath. she lets the moment, the memory alex is surrounded by, 

maggie lets herself step into it - 

let's herself feel it. 

_they're sparring, she can see herself and it's like watching a home video._

"alex," maggie says "alex" she breathes again "i know what you're feeling. i know how scary it is." 

_alex throws maggie onto her back - but maggie drags alex down with her and there's a moment of rough and tumble._

maggie crosses to the memory of alex, reaches out to touch, but before she can - she's back in the drift. 

and their minds are intertwined, maggie can feel the moment alex reaches to rip herself out of the drift. maggie feels the moment she is slammed into her own body. 

_"what's going on?"_ is vasquez shouting, asking into the comm _'you've both kicked out of the drift, someone talk to me."_

maggie slams off the comm. 

she steps out of the footwells.

alex is bent double, she's ripped her headgear off. in the confined space, her strangled breathing is audible and maggie walks slowly towards her 

"alex," maggie says calmly, "alex can you stand up?" 

alex shakes her head. so maggie kneels, maggie drops so she can look up into alex's eyes. alex who is refusing to look at her - but maggie doesn't need to meet alex's eyes to know what she's feeling. it's written across alex's body in other ways. white knuckle grip on her knees. shoulders rounded, hunched. legs shaking. 

"i know this is scary," maggie says quietly, gently "i get it." she admits "you know i understand alex and," she swallows "you know how i feel." 

that gets alex to look at her, eyes sharp, watering "I kissed you," she says "and you said 'we gotta.'" 

"not my best line." maggie admits "but alex," she reaches out and puts a hand over one of alex's "alex i want to kiss you again. okay? i want to kiss you again and i want to talk about what it means - but," she pauses, gesturing outside of them "it's not worth it if the kaiju are going to kill us." 

"you want to kiss me again?" alex asks, standing tall, hand gripping maggies. 

so maggie does the only thing she knows how - helmet in one hand, alex's hand in her other. she steps forward - kisses her, rocking up onto her toes and god -

she could do this forever. 

"i do." maggie breathes, smiles, stepping back "okay? and i promise, it's so much less scary. but i think j'onn is going to break in here if we don't get back on the comms. okay?" 

alex pauses, she smiles, nods "okay." 

"okay." 

\-- 

_"you're not deploying."_ is the first thing j'onn says when they come back online. 

"j'onn," alex fires back at once, her voice fire and anger "i need you to trust me."

_"i'm not sending a team out that's can't enter the drift."_

"j'onn," alex says and there's a shift in her voice - there's something cold and hard and maggie's sure she's never heard it before "my sister is out there and if you think for a second that i'm going to sit back - instead of going out in the best jaeger the world has ever seen - you're wrong." 

silence. 

"j'onn you call us back and i'm going out there in a dingy with a staff." alex bites. 

and god, maggie believes her. she believes that alex would absolutely head out into the heart of a kaiju fight with nothing but a boat and a staff. 

_"prepare for nueral engagement."_ j'onn says. 

"thank you sir." 

j'onn does not reply and it's clear that at the very least, he thinks that sending them out is a terrible idea. 

"ready," alex asks. 

"ready." maggie agrees. 

if only so they can get to the end of the fight and onto more interesting topics of conversation. 

\-- 

entering the drift this second time is a trip. there is none of alex's raging storm, none of maggies. 

a calm.

their memories rippling, just out of reach. tamed and tethered for the time being.

and damn right they should be. 

"dismantle ready and aligned." comes alex's steadfast, unwavering voice. 

" _prepare to move out._ " j'onn says into the comms " _you're all ready for this._ " and now he's speaking to the trio, " _you're the best of the best. you're the people i trust most to defend the planet. go out there, work as a team, communicate everything. am i clear?_ " 

"clear, sir." alex says across the comm. 

"yes sir." maggie adds. 

"understood." comes kara's. 

"then i vote, i vote we kick some alien ass." m'gann says with amusement in her voice. 

"hey." comes kara. 

"you know what i mean.' come's m'ganns voice "kaiju ass." 

"better." kara replies. 

"i'm so glad everyones chatty." maggie says "why don't we focus on the task at hand. who's got the coordinates for the kaiju?" 

"i do." kara says "should be coming up on radar any second." she continues, and then pauses, adding, in a breathless voice "they're really, really big." 

and, 

in that second, 

the radar readings come across. with it, height, weight, length approximations and 

_jesus_

"it's three on two." lucy is saying "i like those odds." 

but there's an air for false confidence there. 

the three are walking, into the waves, into the deep, but there's silence in the comms. no one from the loccan offering words of advice, words of wisdom. 

and then,

when maggie is sure that they're all about to lose their nerve, there's kara's voice clear and cutting across the comms 

"listen," she's saying "i know," pause "i know we're scared. we have so, so much to lose today, but the world, our world, they're looking at their tv screens. they're listening to their radios and what do they know is protecting them?" 

she pauses. 

"us. they see the three best jaegers in the history of the world standing up, ready to work together, fight together to protect us. they, the whole world believes in us. we've been training too hard for too many weeks to let our fear get the best of us. we," kara says "we're-" 

and then she's saying something in another language and alex, 

alex is laughing across the comms "you know it still counts as cursing if you do it in kryptonian." she says, and that tension, the mounting pressure they all felt, 

it's receding. 

it's m'gann and lucy both spluttering into their comms asking "what did she say? what did kara say? we want to know!" 

and it's alex laughing and say "she's said we're kickass. which is true. we are." 

"we are." maggie agrees, registering her awe for the younger danvers, filing it away for a later date when it's practical to think about it. 

she can register, some part of her, 

alex smirking.

and then, all attention is drawn outwards for they have arrived at the miracle mile, ready to hold, ready to fight. 

"incoming." lucy says, and the three brace. 

but what they braced for was nothing like they could have expected. 

one kaiju rising from the depths. the head of a lizard, the body of some greater, more terrifying beast. it erupts, breaking the surface tension and rising up, up, up into the air, propelled by it's great tail. pitching downwards, caught by gravity, it angles towards zor-el. and there's kara, prepared, more than ready for it. her left foot slides back, a fighting stance and then she's diving out of the way. 

it's an uncharacteristic motion, and there's a massive wave as both the kaiju and zor-el disappear beneath the waves. 

"talk to us kara." alex is saying, maggie can hear her, the controlled calm "what's happening?"

"acid." comes the one word reply.

and then, 

of course. 

a kaiju can't spit acid if it's underwater and so, by entering the underwater domain, kara has taken the fight to the beast which just leaves, 

"holy fuck." comes maggie's voice, and maggie is trying to piece together what animals in this second beast she can recognize but, theres nothing.

nothing but a flurry of long arms, shining bright teeth and 

two heads. 

"are you fucking kidding me?" comes m'ganns voice "that's cheating." 

over the comms lucys laugh can be heard. 

"lets box." maggie finds herself saying, the brass knuckles slipping into place and dismantle enters a fighting stance. 

their first blow is an uppercut and there's the shuddering crack of bone on metal. the water too deep, too much to add a kick, so dismantle is in the midst of following up with a hook but,

the second head grabs the left arm. 

dismantle is shaken, like a chew toy. 

machines are screaming and alex is shouting "hit the rockets! hit the rockets!"

luck, skill, a mix of the two and the canons for said rockets are pointing directly down the throat of the beast. alex's voice is laced with pain and it doubles, 

both of maggie and alex screaming as their lower half is taken up into the mouth from the other head. 

they're being pulled apart. 

maggie's sure she can feel her vertebrae popping, but 

then, 

the ready button flashes and her hand slams the button home. 

three rockets launch and in the same second, zor-el and slasher emerge from the water. zor-el with sword out, plunging it again and again through the beast. as the second kaiju, delta, pulls them apart, the rockets explode in one of it's throats. and jumping onto the back of delta, 

is red tornado.

shocked by the weight, the kaiju shakes and twists. a howl of pain escaping which releases dismantle. crashing into the water, dismantle steps backwards, propelling itself away, maggie and alex gasping and trying to take stock of the damage. 

"not bad." maggie pants 

"i'd rather not do that again." alex grimaces. 

"one down." kara says across the comes, something like anger, something like steel in her voice, dropping the carcass of a kaiju into the water "that was-" 

"this is not the fucking rodeo." lucy's voice cuts in across the comms "i did not sign up for this." 

and later, 

later perhaps it will be funny. red tornado gripping the back of a kaiju like they're riding a mechanical bull. but instead it's kara shouting 

"get off!" and "plasma canons on three!" 

and the plan should be easy. 

should be simple. 

"one!" 

m'gann and lucy launch roll off the kaiju. they disappear beneath the waves, getting down getting away. 

"two!" 

and the canons are ready. 

and the call of "three!" comes in the exact same moment that slasher, 

supposed to be dead, 

emerges from the waves. bleeding it's toxic blue blood, propelled on it's tail it comes crashing down on zor-el. dragging kara beneath the waves. 

dismantle fires six shots into delta. red tornado follows up the blasts with a sword stroke, a swing of their blade so well angled that they cut off both heads. 

but there is no time for celebration. 

dismantle is diving beneath the waves, the sounds of kara's struggle clear across their comms. the sounds of her pain, of her fighting back. 

under the water it's hard to distinguish, flashes of red in a tangle of blue and blood and murky water. and then it's red tornado stepping it, grabbing the almighty tail and 

pulling. 

hauling the beast back, the beast away, and zor-el on her back, firing everything in her arsenal. again and again and again until, 

"it's dead." alex breaths "kara it's dead." 

"i said that last time." comes kara's pained reply "i said that last time." 

she fires three more shots. 

"now it's dead." she says, breaking the surface and finding her feet, unsteady. 

the ocean, oblivious to the happenings, roils on. 

"it was dead." kara keeps saying, "it was dead. it didn't have a pulse. it died." her voice is shaking, 

her jaeger is shaking, in only the way a giant robotic warrior can. 

"it's okay." maggie hears alex saying "kara it's okay, these things happen. we survived. the world is safe." 

zor-el's legs give out. 

kara shaking, unhinged breath can be heard and then there's vas saying 

_"bring it back."_ and _"good job guys. that was, something else."_

and the image that will grace the covers of newspapers, captured from eager drone cameras is this: 

red tornado and dismantle on either side of zor-el. helping the jaeger walk home. 

what the cameras will never see, 

is this: 

alex talking a steady stream of encouragement to kara. a steady stream of nonsense, of words and jokes and anything to ground her little sister. maggie _feels_ alex's desperation. she knows the memories alex is sorting through, the best of which she is relaying to kara. 

it's exhausting. 

they're exhausted, 

all of them. 

but alive - and the world safe for another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a handful of people questioned why the 'accidental sanvers slowburn' tag - and here, 72-ish k later, i hope everyone understands. that said, i am super nervous about this chapter, it's been a while in the works, but i hope that you enjoyed it. feel free to drop me a line if you did. [or didn't, i suppose] 
> 
> as usual, bathtimefunduck has been instrumental in getting this story off the ground. 
> 
> and you can find me on tumblr @ onefootone.


	20. now - sixteen - if we survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you want a lot of things. 
> 
> to stop the kaiju. to keep kara alive. to kiss maggie, again. to stop feeling like you're fourteen and have no concept of how to speak clearly and coherently.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

the shatterdome is in chaos.

you can feel it, hear it - but all you can think about, all you register is maggie's hand on your shoulder. you're riding an adrenaline wave so high and so hard that the world seems to be moving slowly around you. 

until the moment kara walks into the bay and she looks worn. she looks ragged. there are shadows in her eyes and all your instincts are telling you to protect her. so you walk towards her, the people parting before you, and you're saying, quietly, carefully 

"are you okay?"

and you're running your hands down kara's arms, then bringing them back up to her shoulders. you're saying "you did so good." 

which provokes only a shrug from kara. 

her usual adrenaline wave tampered it seems, from the near death experience. or what you can imagine was a near death experience, you're not entirely sure. kara leans into your touch, grounding herself with your heartbeat picked out from the roomful of people. 

around the corner comes m'gann and lucy - the bay breaking out in a smattering or applause as the group of rangers cluster. 

"that was -" m'gann starts, and it's maggie who says 

"they're dead." 

"hell yeah they are." lucy adds 

there is a general sense of thrill and adrenaline coursing through the dome. such a big kill, such a world saving success- 

"'m gonna go paint." kara says quietly and you know this is the part where kara will retreat into her own mind. where she will escape deep into her own head to process what happened, 

the lives she took. 

the life she nearly lost. 

"i-" you start, and where in you're usually very keen to eat pizza, shower and otherwise feel accomplished. in the past you'd sit with kara, watch her paint, 

but,

well, 

in this present, the room seems to narrow to maggie. 

the way she's standing next to you, the way she catches your eye and all of a sudden it's not just adrenaline from the kaiju kill that you're riding. in the wake of all _that_

you're remembering. 

you're _remembering_

and it's saying something about the kaiju that you were able to forget at all because in a wave of 

'oh shit this could be the end of the world as we know it'

emotions and bravado,

you had - apparently, inexplicably, kissing maggie. 

which, for the minutes following that decision, had felt like a huge mistake. until, 

of course, 

maggie had kissed you back. 

only after of course you'd fallen apart in the drift. a lifetime of memories, memories that seem to sit at the base of your skull and drum up a persistent throbbing. your mind is switching gears, from kaiju to kissing maggie. to what that could all mean. the throbbing at the base of your skull intensifies and you close your eyes. 

"alex?" kara presses, 

and you realize that you'd never actually said what you were going to do. although now it feels all to clear, you're somewhere between 

_i'm going to pass out_

and 

_i'm going to jump into the pacific ocean_

but instead you say "i need some quiet." 

and behind you there must be some sort of exchange that culminates in maggie saying, quickly to kara "i've got her." 

which, 

you think is a good thing. you're not quite sure you're ready enough to explain to kara what happened, 

what's happening inside your head. 

maggie though, well maggie's been inside your head. maggie understands -and with that, perhaps your shaking hands and fumbling words will mean more. carry more weight. 

or something. 

maggie follows you, she does not try and stop you, nor does she even catch up to you until you're inside the sparring room. she locks the door behind her and in the silence of the space, maggie says, gently 

"talk to me, alex, please." 

you swallow hard, nod, 

you would like to talk to her, really you would but all the appropriate words seem caught in your throat. it's not panic this time, no, 

it's the overwhelming realization caught in your chest and 

"i need to sit down." you say, and it's not like there's a chair nearby, 

so you sit down on the edge of the mat. 

maggie sits next to you. out of the corner of your eye you see her fingers working at the laces of her boots. errantly you think you should attempt to do the same, 

but your hands are shaking. 

finally, eventually, 

you say, into the silence where maggie is no barefoot "i kissed you." 

maggie laughs lightly and the sound, it loosens something in your chest, calms you, grounds you "yeah, you did danvers." maggie says. 

in the larger scheme of things it's not that the realization that you're gay is all that much of a surprise. for the past, well, 

ever, 

you'd been to preoccupied with the kaiju and with kara and with stalling the end of the world to think about _dating_. 

except then came maggie. 

who'd been different from the start - not that you'd realized it. not that you'd had the wherewithal to put the pieces of the puzzle together. you're only now seeing the larger picture, the one that's been staring you in the face for, 

apparently, 

some time now. 

if the memories of vicki are anything to go by. 

"i'd never kissed a girl." you're saying "before-" 

"i know." maggie says gently. 

"i didn't think." you try and explain "i just, it just - happened. it felt like the right thing to do. like something i wanted to do. kiss. you. then." 

"hey," maggie is saying in your silence, reaching across and putting a hand on your knee "alex," she says "look at me." 

you don't. 

"alex," maggie says again "are you," she pauses, trying to find the words "are you apologizing?" 

you're not wholly sure, if you're being honest. 

maybe? 

it feels like you should be? 

you splutter, shake your head. 

"alex," maggie says again "alex please look at me." she says "if," she swallows hard "if you kissed me because you thought we were going to die and that's it-" maggie's voice wavers "i get it." 

you hate how broken her voice sounds, her laugh a mile away from this tone. 

"i can forget about. we can go and kara can paint and we can eat shitty alaskan pizza and watch movies. if that's what you want." 

"no," you shake your head, because while shitty pizza and movies sounds wonderful, doing that in a world where maggie thinks that you didn't want to kiss her, that's not at all what you want. "i wasn't," you start "i mean, it was. but that's not-" 

you feel wholly inept to handle this conversation. 

you take a deep breath, focus on what you know. on what you can formulate into words. 

"i've never really dated anyone." you say, cautioning a glance over at maggie and, 

it feels like a mistake. 

there's fear in her eyes, fear of what you're going to say. you do not like seeing maggie sawyer afraid. 

"i've never thought about it." you finally continue "it didn't feel," you pause, and then "important." 

"with the kaiju." maggie supplies. 

"the dome isn't exactly the best place to take people on dates." you say dryly, then pause and "but then, you." 

maggie says nothing. 

"you've been in my head. i didn't even know i was gay until," you swallow hard "until i kissed you. and even then," you pause again, you say finally "i don't know why i'm saying any of it." 

"it's important." maggie says "to say it." 

"even though you know how i feel?"

"yeah," maggie says "even if i _think_ i know how you feel. there's a difference between what you feel, and what you want." 

you want a lot of things. 

to stop the kaiju. to keep kara alive. to kiss maggie, again. to stop feeling like you're fourteen and have no concept of how to speak clearly and coherently. 

"i haven't thought about the future, really." you say finally "in our line of work," you swallow hard "we don't tend to survive." a harsh reality that you've known since you were seventeen "so i haven't, i don't - the whole world could end in a few weeks. and that's been a possibility for nearly ten years. being on call as a ranger, twenty four seven," you shrug "there's a higher chance a kaiju would eat me then me making it to twenty six." 

you lapse into silence. you don't know what else to say because

what you want,

what you think, 

it's a mess. a tangled mess that you can't find an end of, or a beginning. 

"so we might die." maggie says quietly "but what if we survive? i know," she lets her hand cover yours "i know the odds aren't really in our favor, but-" 

"what if." you say. 

and for a moment you allow yourself to chase that rabbit. you chase the idea of a world where the kaiju are gone, the breach is closed. you chase a world that doesn't need rangers. doesn't need shatterdomes. 

it's a world where you wouldn't have to go back to alaska, 

ever. 

but where would you go? 

you don't know what you'd do. not really. which makes your gut twist, the idea of all that freedom. 

"that scares me more than dying." you admit finally, quietly "it's - this is all i've known. i don't, what would i do, apply for an office job? work nine to five, typing at a computer, getting after work drinks?" 

"i think you could do anything you want." 

you can't think of anything to say to that. so you say nothing. instead, you take a deep breath, find her hand and look over at maggie again. 

"i might die." you say again "i might not. i six months i may work an office job in national city," maggie laughs and it makes you feel better "i don't know about any of that." you swallow hard "i know that i kissed you. and, i know i'd like to do it again. and, if we survive, i'd like to take you on a date." you pause and your mouth is so dry "if that's okay?" 

maggie squeezes your hand "i'm going to hold you to that." 

your heart soars. 

"and what about the rest of it?" you ask carefully. 

because kissing maggie again, without the impending kaiju attack so immediate, is something you would very much like to do again. 

[and preferably again] 

[and again] 

"yes." maggie says, standing, helping you to your feet "just, away from a room filled with cameras." 

you laugh, the last of your tension dissipating from your system, and yet while she has a point. you can not help but lean in and kiss her again, because she said yes. 

because for the first time in seven years, there is more to your day to day than just the kaiju and kara and hoping not to get killed. 

and this feeling? 

you want to hold onto it forever. 

[as long as that may be]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, feel free to hit me up at [onefootone](https://www.onefootone.tumblr.com) to shout about superpac!au with me. 
> 
> thank you to everyone who's commented and kudoed on the previous chapters. the response to the last chapter in particular has been fantastic.


	21. now - seventeen - go back to that moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "and the only reason i'm alive," m'gann says "was that i got lucky. i didn't outrun anything. i -" she swallows hard "i should have been dead. smashed into the street with them." 
> 
> "but you survived." kara chimes in quietly "and for a long time you wish you hadn't." 
> 
> the room is quiet, kara's voice barely loud enough for them to hear.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

lucy is sitting, leaning against the wall and watching m'gann with interest. m'gann is on the other side of the room, against a clearer patch of wall, attempting a handstand pushup. they both know m'gann will not be able to do a handstand pushup, but this particular method of exercise serves an additional purpose, 

that of distraction. 

m'gann can stare at the floor, at the veins in her wrist, at her shirt as it falls over her face - again- all in the name of her handstand pushup. she does not, by any means, have to look at lucy. which, for intents and purposes, 

is exactly what m'gann wants as she says with a strained voice 

"that memory, it's the last one i have of them." she pauses and then corrects "the last happy one i have of them." her arms waver as she says "everything after that is," and m'ganns arms give out, 

dropping her to the floor in a heap and that, she decides. feels more or less about right. 

she rolls onto her back "i'm surprised you've never seen it before." she says, turning her head to look sideways at lucy "have you ever seen it before?" 

lucy shakes her head "not really. glimpses of it, maybe?"

m'gann turns her attention back to the ceiling "remember what i told you, the first time you asked about my family?" 

"sure," lucy says "you said the only reason you were alive was because you kept running, and that you were never going to run from a kaiju again." 

"that was all bravado." m'gann admits into the air. 

"i know." lucy replies. 

m'gann looks back over at her. 

"you think i didn't know you were scared shitless when we first met? i'm a fucking lane." she says, and it's clear she knows how much weight that name carried in those days "or i was back then." she swallows hard "but i've been in your head m'gann." 

"so you know." m'gann sighs and stands, preparing for attempt number two - she fails, unable to keep her core stable. number three has m'gann's shirt over her head, and her heels pressed against the wall over her head. 

"of course i know." lucy says, and she moves across the room to come sit closer to m'gann "but i didn't say anything because it's not my place." 

"if it's anyone's place to-" m'gann says, rolling out of her handstand 

there's a knock at the door. 

"it's open." lucy calls and there's a beat before kara is stepping through the door. 

she looks, 

showered. but not so much relaxed. even with the paint splattered on her arms and the pizza boxes she's carrying, 

there's a tension in her shoulder's that's unmissable to m'gann and lucy. 

"hey," m'gann says, sitting up onto her elbows "everything okay?"

kara swallows, shrugs and then gestures with the pizza "the real thing." she says "i promise. otto says you guys like pizza after a fight and-" and then she's pausing, biting her lip "and alex is with maggie. they're," she pauses "talking. and usually i hang out with alex after events but, whatever they're talking about is important and-" 

"you don't have to explain." lucy says "you can just come hangout with us." 

"i'm meeting lena in a little bit." kara says "she has ideas about bombs. but i," she pauses again "i heard some of your conversation," kara looks at m'gann "about your family."

"oh," m'gann says, trying not to get defensive all at once.

"i don't usually, you know, talk about what i hear. or see. but, after events, my powers they, some of them become a little harder to control. and i - when i explained earlier. about who i am, i didn't" she hesitates, takes a breath "my family died too. not alex and eliza and jeremiah. they're my earth family but, my parents." she settles on "on krypton. they were killed. not many people know that. or, they know i was adopted and assume that my parents are dead but," she stops again, like she's working up to something here "i watched them die." 

and there it is. 

the connection. 

"oh." m'gann says, and it's a little softer this time, some of that defensiveness drains from her eyes "mine," she says, "k-day." she continues "i was fifteen. we lived in san francisco." she doesn't know why she's saying this, not when the bare details are available in her file. the bones of her life. where she grew up. where part of her died. 

"you talk about it," kara says "with lucy?" 

m'gann nods. lucy laughs, and they both look to her "she didn't," lucy comments "not at first." 

m'gann lets a small smile flutter "lucy was, how do i say it," she pretends to consider "persistent." 

"you're being polite." lucy says 

"i probably am." m'gann agrees and kara smiles,

"i talk about it with alex." she says "alex gets it, kind of. she, we - we were watching tokyo on the tv. so she, you know, she understands. but not," kara stops again "i'm sorry." she says suddenly, the vulnerability in her posture vanished "i shouldn't have-" she says quickly. 

"no," m'gann says just as a fast "don't apologise." she takes a breath "it's, there's a difference, watching someone you love die and, being there. like, i can hear the people screaming. i can hear their footsteps stumbling. it's," she shakes her head "i can go back to that moment. where the ground shook and i tripped and, the kaiju missed me by inches. i can remember laying there, on my back, looking up at this _thing_. it didn't even notice me. didn't notice anyone." she says "when it kept moving," m'ganns voice is shaking "i saw my family. dead." she closes her eyes. 

lucy's hand comes to her shoulder. 

"and the only reason i'm alive," m'gann says "was that i got lucky. i didn't outrun anything. i -" she swallows hard "i should have been dead. smashed into the street with them." 

"but you survived." kara chimes in quietly "and for a long time you wish you hadn't." 

the room is quiet, kara's voice barely loud enough for them to hear. 

"because what was the point? your family, everyone closest to you gone. but then, you moved on. as much as you could. as much as was possible. and that was supposed to be a good thing. a healing thing. until," she pauses and m'gann looks over at her, kara with her back against the couch, arms wrapped around her knees "until healing meant forgetting. the songs your mom would sing to you as a kid. the games you'd play with siblings, friends. your happiest memories, they start to-"

"fade." m'gann says quietly. 

"and you feel guilty all over again. because how could you forget them? they're all you have left of your family-" 

but you never forget watching them die." m'gann says quietly 

"i- i was in a ship when my planet exploded. the shockwave, and my planet burning. i will," kara stutters "i will never, forget that. but the names of the games my aunt would play with me to teach me about physics? i don't remember." 

"it makes me want to chase the rabit." m'gann admits. 

"the memories there are so clear." kara agrees, and lucy, amidst all this, sitting with a hand on m'ganns shoulder, watching kara barely keep it together. 

"how-" m'gann starts, then stops, then goes again "how do you resist? i can't pull myself out without lucy." 

"the first time i piloted a jaeger solo," kara says quietly "alex was dying. she is almost all i have on this planet. she-" kara shakes her head "i think about that moment, when alex fell out of the drift. the sudden silence of just being with my own thoughts and being in the drift alone, how all of a sudden every painful memory had a chance. but if i let them have it, then alex would die. and i," kara shakes her head "i can't let alex die. i do it all, for alex." kara says. 

"shit." m'gann says, it's not eloquent but she's not sure what is appropriate as far as a response would go to 

'i save the world for my sister.' 

"c'mere." lucy cuts into m'gann stunned silence and she looks over to see lucy gesturing to kara. who after a moment, comes over, the pizza sitting forgotten, 

for perhaps the first time ever, 

on the coffee table.

lucy wraps an arm around kara's shoulders, and brings her other arm around m'gann’s "you guys have family." she says firmly "us. and alex and maggie and everyone else who's trying to save this dumb planet." 

"dumb planet?" m'gann queries. 

"we don't have games that introduce the rules of physics to our children." 

"actually," kara says "you do." 

"i swear if you say figure skating." lucy mumbles. 

"that's a terrible movie." kara says, and they fall into a silence again. comfortable, and for the first time since the event, kara looks calm.

or calmer. 

"you didn't have to share all that," m'gann says finally, looking over at kara "about your family. your planet." 

"you're not the only one who's afraid of forgetting." kara says quietly "i wish there was another way, another version of the drift, but," she pauses "i try and fill in the spaces of what i've forgotten with good memories, but, it's not the same." 

"but you don't stop trying." m'gann says. 

"we can't." kara says "or all that pain wins." 

"yeah" m'gann agrees "but today, we won, and you said something about pizza?" 

kara nods towards the coffee table "special order." 

"i do not miss russia." lucy says, extracting herself from between m'gann and kara and retrieving the pizzas "not in the slightest." 

"that dome," m'gann says, reaching for a slice, "had terrible pizza. when they had pizza at all." 

lucy has one in each hand and notices kara hasn't taken any "you not eating?" she asks. 

"i am," kara says "but, uh, later. lena's here." 

and on cue, there's a knock on the door. 

kara stands, making to leave, but then turning back to look at m'gann "if you, if you want to talk about family, we can. whenever." 

m'gann nods, "the same for you." she says, and then kara is disappearing through the door "stop looking at me." m'gann says to lucy "i've done a lot of sharing." she adds. 

"you have." lucy agrees. 

"i don't - are you going to get me to talk about my family some more?" 

lucy shakes her head "not if you don't want to." 

"what if i want to?" m'gann asks quietly. 

"then i recommend we move to the couch." lucy say gently "and we bring water and pizza and disney movies. if you want?" 

m'gann nods, "hundred and one dalmatians was my little brothers favourite." she says, letting lucy help her to her feet. 

"good choice." lucy says "i was always an aristocats girl myself." 

m'gann laughs "of course you were." 

"that's rude." 

"i learnt from the best."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a culmination of a sub-plot i had in mind to get kara and m'gann to talk about their shared experiences of watching their family die. it's not a perfect chapter, nor one of my strongest, but i wanted them to have the conversation, so here we are. 
> 
> as per usual, the real heroes are everyone who's commented or kudoed this fic, it honestly means the world to me. 
> 
> a massive thanks to bathtimefunduck, who keeps pushing me along to finish this story. 
> 
> and find me on tumblr @ onefootone to come shout about whatever you want. 
> 
> cheers y'all.


	22. now - eighteen - sparks of a different kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for weeks now they have found comfort in each others physical presence, tonight is no different. 
> 
> [maggie had told herself it was normal. that they're rangers. that it's the end of the world and they're young. that it doesn't have to mean feelings.]

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

they hold hands. they hold hands all the way to maggie's room. they hold hands because they can, because the shatterdome is falling asleep. Those who are not in bed, are in they bays starting the intensive repairs to the three jaegers. other nights, maggie would go and watch - choosing hours of wakefulness watching sparks fly over a night of restless, nightmare filled sleep. 

tonight maggie makes another choice. a different choice. she picks alex - alex and all her nerves and her desire to, it seems, kiss maggie senseless. she chooses sparks of a different kind, and with the room to her door shut, the silence of the dormitory floor reigns. the privacy afforded to them here, 

they both feel it. 

except it is not a weight on their shoulders, it is a release. it's maggie pulling alex in for another, far gentler, far slower kiss. there are no worries about cameras, or interruptions. maggie brings her hand to alex's jaw, to alex's hip, she pulls alex closer. she can practically feel alex's pulse, her heart beating through her chest. they're both smiling, these intoxicated grins when they pull back to breathe. 

maggie guides alex to the couch, because it's been a long day and they're both sore. the couch is soft and it's alex pulling maggie to come sit next to her, curled into her. this is familiar, the way their bodies fit together. 

for weeks now they have found comfort in each others physical presence, tonight is no different. 

[maggie had told herself it was normal. that they're rangers. that it's the end of the world and they're young. that it doesn't have to mean feelings.]

yet everything has changed. everything, and nothing. 

the end of the world is still coming, except for the first time in what feels like weeks, or months, or years, 

maggie doesn't care. or, she doesn't care in the sense that it is not at the forefront of her mind, no, all she can think about now 

is alex. next to her. around her. 

they are curled, intertwined on the couch. sitting together, fingers still laced. their bodies are pressed together - as if even the smallest of inches between them is canyon. 

maggie can not remember the last time she was held like this, or held someone like this. where it's alex's warm body next to her and there's nothing before them but time. a night of whatever they want. a night of - 

part of her had expected the kissing to continue. and it had, 

for a moment, with alex smiling and maggie kissing her jaw just to hear the way alex gasps a little. and in another world this could go one way, maggie thinks, 

they could bang and no one would ever think that they shouldn't have. after all, as both of them are aware, 

they could die very soon. except, 

well, 

except there's a date that maggie wants to go on, and there's a way she wants to do this with alex. a slowness, a steadiness, because alex is new, and alex has experience with her own body, but not someone else's. hell, maggie's not an old pro. a girlfriend she had fresh out of the academy. a girl who was soft and good and did her best to understand what haunted maggie. 

alex is different. 

has always been different. ever since she ran into maggie at the jaeger academy - then a nameless face maggie couldn't quite forget. now, with a slim to none chance of forever lasting more than a couple of months, 

maggie does not want to rush. 

neither, 

so it seems, 

does alex. 

who leans back, who is breathing hard, who is biting her lip. 

"hey," maggie says gently, adjusting so they're still close, but that alex has space. has the option to move "talk to me." alex pauses, but maggie stays the course "i want you to talk to me." she tries. 

"this is," alex says "it's a lot. a good a lot." she swallows hard "but, a lot." 

"we can slow down." maggie says gently "we can stop. we can just, cuddle, if you want." 

"maybe." alex says "maybe." she repeats and then, after a beat

"i'm gay." pause "i've never said it outloud before." 

maggie finds alex's hand "you okay with that?" 

alex looks at her "if it means i get to keep kissing you," she says "yes." 

"alex." maggie says, aiming for something like serious "if you need time to process-" 

"it's not that." alex says, "i'm not trying to make light." she pauses again "it's just, i never gave a shit about dating. not anyone. i meant what i said downstairs. i didn't have time, really. but i look back, over growing up, at the movies i watched," she shrugs "i'm not exactly surprised. this just feels like terrible timing." she swallows "i want to go fast, because, you know. but i don't want to rush it because things feel different with you. the best kind of different and i don't want to rush it just because we're running out of time."

"fuck time." maggie says "okay? just, for tonight? we know the kaiju won't attack, we can just have the night as ours. for us. not as jaeger rangers, just as, you and me, people who like each other and are, could be in the future, dating." 

"we'll go to vancouver." alex says "for that date. not that anchorage isn't classy but," she pauses and there's a moment where they're both shifting on the couch. less 'let's make out' position and more 'let's cuddle and sit here and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist' "i can't wait to leave." 

"where do you want to go?" maggie asks 

"a city." alex says "somewhere big. somewhere loud." she sighs "new york. national city." she sighs, draping her arm over maggie's shoulder, smiling when maggie's hand finds hers again "i don't know. what about you, go back to nebraska?" 

maggie laughs "no. no way. maybe a city." she says "a bigger police department. more than just pulling over the local alcoholics for dui." 

"cities are good." alex says, lapsing into a heavier kind of silence before "i never thought i'd ride again." alex is saying quietly "i never thought i'd want  
to." 

maggie's tone is that of agreement "tell me about it." 

"why did you come back?" alex asks 

maggie turns to look at her - and there is something about this, something wherein they have both seem each others minds, accessed this link between them and yet, they both ask. they both allow for the other to explain, to interpret. 

"j'onn came to see me." maggie says finally "and he, he said it was the earth's last chance. that he had a plan, but he needed three jaegers to do it. i asked him what if i said no." she pauses, remembering standing on that dirt road "he told me that he'd do it with two. and that you'd never ride again." 

maggie pauses, she knows that's not why she came back. she knows those are the words that brought her back, but so far as to why - 

alex does not press. instead, she allows the silence between them to grow and shift and shape until maggie settles on the words she wants to say "i came back," maggie says "because i hadn't ever really wanted to leave." 

she pauses again, a shaking breath. 

"i mean," maggie continues "i did. i - after tokyo," she shakes her head "after _that_ i never wanted to step for in a jaeger again. they took me back to nebraska. to my aunt's house. it was exactly what i wanted. i had some stupid medal, i had a spot at the police academy lined up. it should have made me happy." 

"but," alex says quietly now, her thumb moving in soft circles across the back of maggie's hand "it didn't really." 

"not really." maggie says "it did for a while. being the in the academy, everyone knew i had been a ranger. it was weird. but we were busy all the time, i was exhausted because of nightmares." she shrugs "it wasn't a jaeger and that's all i wanted." 

she lapses into silence again, and this time it is alex who fills it "it was like that for me." she says "working the loccan for kara. it wasn't a jaeger, i could still help her, protect her. but it wasn't _enough_. i wanted to be in a jaeger again." 

"which didn't make any sense." maggie supplies "because, the last place you ever wanted to go, was back in a jaeger. but i, i couldn't let go. i read the articles, watched the news." 

"yet here we are." alex laughs

"here we are." maggie agrees, looking over at alex "and we don't, we don't have to rush anything. this is, you are, different, for me, too. not just because you've been in my head. not just because you know, about my dad and what he did." 

alex's breathing stays steady, even, she keeps her arms around maggie. 

"i think," maggie says "not rushing things is good, because everything else was rushed. we're rangers, we've been in each others heads. it's been months, and we know secrets we've never told anyone else." 

maggie thinks of kara. of her own father. 

"that, we couldn't control." alex says quietly "but the physical, we can." 

"no," maggie says "kind of," she fixes "people say that rangers who develop romantic attractions aren't actually romantically interested in each other." 

"people who say that aren't rangers." 

"some rangers, they try and keep their relationship separate from their work." she pauses "i think that's dumb. and i know this is a lot of talk about relationships and we literally just kissed for the first time a few hours ago but -" 

"maggie," alex says, cutting her off "maggie look at me." 

she does. 

"there are no rules on how this is supposed to go. i kissed you. you kissed me. we've been kissing each other. there are feelings. we both know that. both saw that in the drift. there aren't rules for relationships during the potential alien takeover of our planet. so how about we just, take it one day at a time. tonight we want cuddles. tomorrow, we may want," alex swallows hard "more." 

"delicate." maggie says with a small grin "tomorrow we may have sex and that's okay?" 

"well," alex says "not if kara's within ear shot." 

"and what exactly is her earshot?" maggie enquirers 

"we haven't exactly tested it," alex says "but all signs point to a radius of at least twenty miles, depending on conditions. how much exterior sound there is can influence how specifically she can pick out a specific sound." 

maggie blinks at her "what if i buy her really good headphones? for, you know, the future." 

alex shrugs "don't tell her they're a 'so you can't hear me banging your sister' gift." 

"noted." maggie says, then lets out a breath "i don't know how to do this." 

"do what?" alex pushes "it's not like i have any experience either. i'm probably more clueless than you are." 

"i just don't want to mess this up." 

"what was it that you said earlier? fuck time?" alex says, a hand running down maggie's back "let's do that, forget about the weeks and months we may or may not have left. it's just you and i, for tonight. and probably a shower and some sort of food." 

"what about movies?" 

alex nods "we can watch movies." 

"and if i want to kiss you again?"

alex smirks "we can do that do." 

so maggie does. 

it is hours later, when maggie and alex are curled up in maggie's far too small bed, asleep. maggie has a hand across alex's back, alex with her head on maggie's chest. 

it is perhaps the first night in a very long time where either of them are sleeping soundly. 

that is broken, by the distant sound of running footsteps, a pause of silence and then a series of quick knocks on the door and 

_"alex,"_ kara hisses _"alex, alex, i know you're asleep. but i need to talk to you."_ another pause, wherein maggie is in a state of semi consciousness as alex is sliding out of the bed _"it's about the breach. lena and i have a solution."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to everyone who commented and appreciated the last chapter, 
> 
> thank you. it honestly means the world. i will be replying to your reviews sometime tomorrow/tonight. 
> 
> as always, send love to bathtimetimefunduck for the continued support in making this fic happen. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @ onefootone.


	23. now - nineteen - everyone here knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "c'mon." lucy says "apparently kara's on some sort of roll." 
> 
> "i'm half asleep and that makes no sense to me." m'gann says "where we're going, is there coffee?" 
> 
> "yes." you confirm "don't worry about that."

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**may - 2022**

your first thought as you wake up to a rapid knocking on the door is a question of how kara is both in the bed next to you, and simultaneously knocking on the door from the outside. the dilemma makes no immediate attempt to sort itself out, and nor does the knocking cease, so you are left with no choice but to wake up further. 

something your exhausted body is none to thrilled with at the present. 

however, when you hear kara's hushed, but excited whisper coming through the door and realize in the same moment that it's maggie you're sharing a bed with -

things shift. 

maggie seems to have slept through kara's arrival, so you do your best not to wake her as you climb out of bed. 

this however is difficult given that sharing a single, even of the extra long variety, is hardest on the best of days. and climbing out of said bed when you are the person closest to the wall, 

well you're pretty sure you kick maggie at least once as you clamber over her. the floor is cold under your barefeet and you're scrambling to the door at the same time that maggie is mumbling something that, while incoherent, could quite possibly be interpreted as a close variation of 

' _what's going on._ ' 

you do not quite have the answer to that yet, but you assume you soon will because kara is pulling you out into the hall before the door is even halfway open. 

she looks wired. 

"we have the solution." she whispers "lena and i." 

"have you slept yet?" you ask, taking in the way kara is glassesless. the way she's twisting her hands. 

"no." she replies "i've been with lena. we've been working on bombs." 

oh good. 

you nod and then there's a voice from the doorway, a very sleepy and considerably more coherent voice. 

maggie, she's leaning against the halfway open door "everything okay?" she asks, looking between you and kara and then back again. 

you defer to kara. 

kara nods "i need to borrow alex." she says "you can come too, if you want." she adds 

"is it sister stuff?" maggie asks carefully. 

kara shakes her head "science." 

that gets maggie's interest "let me change?" 

you look down at your sweatpants and t-shirt "i'm going down like this mags, you don't have to change." you offer. 

"you don't." kara agrees "lena's in her pajamas too." 

maggie raises and eyebrow and kara reddens "not - she had gone to bed, but i couldn't, so i stayed in the lab. thinking. she had an idea about an hour ago, and came back down." 

"in her pajamas." you supply. 

"yes." kara nods "exactly." 

"okay." you shrug "do you want m'gann and lucy in on this as well?" 

"yes." kara says at once "it's, complicated. sort of. but we need them." 

"i'll go wake them up." maggie offers, "and meet you..." 

"in the lab." 

"which one?" maggie yawns

"how about i go get them, and meet you in the lab." you offer "i know where it is." 

"sure." kara says and then pauses, looking between the two of you "i-" she says, the looks directly at you "i'm happy you're happy." kara says. 

you smile "once you've explained about bombs and how we're not all going to do," something flickers in kara's eyes "we'll talk. okay?" 

"you don't have to." 

except well, she's your sister and, 

"i want to." you affirm "i promise." 

some tension held in kara's spine seems to relax "okay. we're in lena's lab." 

you aren't sure when it became lena's, 

but you're certainly not complaining, or for the moment questioning. instead you're turning one way whilst maggie and kara turn the other. it takes minutes for you to find m'gann and lucy's room, and a further three after that to get one of them to open the door. 

lucy. 

she looks surprised "alex," she says, swallows hard "is-" 

"yes." you say "it's," you pause "kara. and the breach. and something about bombs. she said it's important for all of us to be there." 

"there?" 

"one of the labs." 

lucy nods "come on in." she says "it'll take a minute to wake m'gann." 

this does indeed prove true. lucy starts with turning the lights on. 

this does nothing. 

lucy throws a few pillows, for her own entertainment you guess. before she walks over the bathroom, finds a cup and fills it with water. 

you then watch as she dumps it on m'gann. 

who wakes up, curses, splutters, looks around and says "are we being arrested again?" 

and then lays back down to use her duvet and dry her face. 

"no." lucy replies, barely holding back a laugh. 

"then you're just an asshole." m'gann grumbles, and then seems to notice you "so are you." she adds. 

"thanks." you nod. 

"c'mon." lucy says "apparently kara's on some sort of roll." 

"i'm half asleep and that makes no sense to me." m'gann says "where we're going, is there coffee?" 

"yes." you confirm "don't worry about that." 

"good." m'gann says, climbing out of bed "first i gotta pee." 

which leaves you and lucy standing for a moment, awkwardly. 

"uhm," lucy says suddenly, as the sound of the toilet flushing and then what appears to be m'gann brushing her teeth filters through under the door "i owe you an apology." she adds. 

"for?" 

lucy swallows "i was an asshole." she says "to you. when i first got here. i judged you, and assumed i knew the whole story. when i didn't, and that wasn't okay." 

"thank you." you nod. 

"you, and kara, you're both incredible." 

there's a muffled "so are we lucy." from the now opening bathroom door and m'gann is stepping out "i should also probably apologise." she says "so, i am sorry for also being a dick." 

"m'gann." 

"i know you were trying to be all sentimental luce, but it's four in the morning and you ramble when you're tired." m'gann turns to you again "are we blowing stuff up at this show and tell?"

you don't actually know "actually," you say "i have no idea."

"oh good." she says "so there's a chance there could be." 

you are concerned at how much of a spring that seems to put in m'ganns step, and spontaneous apologies done, 

the three of you are heading down to the labs. 

which, upon your arrival you notice lena has changed from the rumored pajamas to her usual impeccable attire, hidden under a lab coat and maggie is sitting on a stool nursing a coffee. there are three more sitting on a side table, and then there's kara working on 

"is that a bomb?" you ask 

"yes." lena replies before kara has the chance "don't worry, it's not armed." 

kara doesn't look up from the piece of circuitry she's studying and points to an opposite wall "critical components are over there." 

"that's a rubber band and some duct tape." m'gann points out. 

"like i said," kara replies "critical components." 

"we are," lena says "also waiting on a few parts to be shipped in from a research lab my company has in oregon." 

"but this bomb, you can make it go through the breach?" 

"no." kara says, stepping back and pulling her safety goggles off "well, we can. not in the lab though." 

"the problem of the breach requiring dna for access can only be solved one way." lena says "you need take a kaiju through the breach, with a bomb." 

there's a beat of silence and then you're asking carefully "need to take as in, jaeger plus kaiju, plus bomb - through the breach." 

"that's the idea." kara says "one of us has to go through the breach." 

silence again. 

this time longer, 

this time drawn out, until 

"okay." lucy says "so one of us has to go through the breach. with a kaiju. is the kaiju allowed to be dead?" 

"we assume so, yes." lena nods. 

there is another question that's on the tip of your tongue, you're about to ask when - 

"i'll be going through the breach." kara says, and then continuing before anyone can interrupt "zor-el will carry the bomb. we will probably meet kaiju as we approach the breach. all we need to do is kill, or incapacitate one enough for me to take it and the bomb, through the breach." 

"no way." say four people at once, and then "we'll do it." 

you look between maggie and m'gann and lucy, and then back to kara, who is looking at lena. 

"look," kara says "we all know i need to be the one to go through the breach." she takes a breath "one of the first problems that lena and i had was the fact that we don't know what's on the other side of the breach. and no offense, to anyone here, but humans are fragile." 

"kara-" you start. 

"everyone here knows," she says firmly, looking at you "everyone here knows that going down to the breach is risky enough. but through the breach, it could, for a human, be deadly." 

"and how do you know that it won't be for a kryptonian." you challenge "you can't just assume that because your physiology is different from a humans that the other side of the breach will be any safer for you, thank for us." 

"i can't." kara agrees "but it's not unreasonable to assume that my chances of surviving on the other side are higher than anyone else's. if it has a yellow sun, then i'll have all my powers still. if it doesn't, i will have them for some amount of time. which could enable me to get back." 

"could." lucy says "that sounds like you're not sure you'll be able to." 

"we don't know what's on the other side of the breach." kara says "for all any of us know it could be millions of kaiju waiting to kill anything that comes through unwanted. i," she says firmly, "am harder to kill. and," she continues "there is only one of me in the jaeger. if any of you go down there, we're risking two lives." 

"one life, two lives to save a planet of billions? the odds are the same." you say "kara-" 

"alex," kara says "i get it. i do. but you know i'm right." 

some part of you registers that she is, but you shake your head regardless "you're wrong." you say firmly "there has to be a better way." 

"there probably is a better way." kara says 

"but given the time limit, the chances of finding it are nearly non-existent." lena says. 

you take a shaking breath "we're not going anywhere near the breach until we have a way to get you back through it." you say firmly. 

"we're working on that now." kara says, pointing to a whiteboard "or winn is. he's making modifications to the jaegers escape pod." 

"is he arming it?" you ask. 

"alex-" 

"it's a good point." maggie says "you should have some sort of weapons with you, just in case." 

"in case i don't die immediately?" kara asks. 

"yes!" you shout, tears threatening to fall yes." you say again "you may be okay with dying to save earth, but me? i'm not okay with that." 

"if we fail, we all die anyway." kara counters hotly "the whole world. billions of people will be murdered. i lost a planet once, because the people who could save it, didn't act. there is no way i'm not acting here. not acting now. to do what's right. to save this planet. one life, to save billions, that's worth it." 

"what?" you're asking, all this talk of her planet and how it could have been saved "kara what are you talking about?" 

"i'm tired." kara says abruptly "i'm going to bed." 

she's shutting down. you watch her shrugging out of a lab coat, and you watch her hand it to lena. you will register later the way their hands brush, the way lena sends some sort of indecipherable look to kara. a look kara returns, 

but then she's fleeing. she's moving past lucy and m'gann and has a hand on the door before you process that she's shutting down, 

and running. 

"kara-" you say again, turning to follow her out of the lab "kara please." 

she's shaking her head, practically running up the stairs, staying just out of reach. your body, exhausted and sore, gives chase. not to her room, as you had suspected, but up and up and up until you're at the very top. until you're following her through a series of doors to a viewing station for zor-el. 

right now it's dark and quiet and abandoned. 

kara stops, you let the door shut behind you. you see her taking deep shuddering breaths and you say gently "kara, what's going on?"

whatever's just happened, you know it's not just about her willingness to be a sacrificial lamb. talking about her planet in a way you've never heard. 

she shakes her head. 

you take another step forward. 

"kara," you say gently "talk to me, please. was there something at clark's- in the information you found?" 

you don't know what it could have been. what it could have possibly been but - 

"pieces." kara says quietly "shreds of it. but there was enough." 

you walk so you're standing next to her, within touching distance. close enough to see her toying with the necklace around her neck "enough of what?" 

"enough information, i don't know where it came from, but it looked like tests. test on the planet. they knew it was dying. but, it didn't happen. they, my parents, they didn't believe it, or didn't," she splutters for a momen "everyone died." she finally says "everyone died because of them." 

"kara," you say quietly "kara i'm so sorry." you say "that's-" you don't know what it is,

or, you do, 

but- 

she shakes her head. 

"but kara," you keep going "we're not your parents. me and maggie and lucy and m'gann and lena and winn and everyone, we all want to do anything to save the world." 

"but i can do this." 

you swallow hard "i know you can." you say "but i want you to be making that choice because it's rational and the best option, not because you feel the need to take things into your own hands because your parents may or may not have." 

kara reaches for you, and you pull her into your arms "we'll all take the bomb if we have to." you tell her "just to be sure." 

what you do not say is how you would rather die, then let kara die. how you would rather take the bomb through but let kara do that alone. however you do not want to risk maggie's life, even if she and you are one in the same inside dismantle. 

"i just," kara says, "i can't lose earth too." 

"you wont." you say "we," you amend "we won't." 

"how are you so sure?" kara mumbles. 

"stronger together." you reply, your voice matching her pitch, your hand carding through her hair "and," you say, taking a breath "i've promised maggie i would take her on a date." 

you feel kara smile "good for you." she says, then "does that mean-" 

"i'm gay." you nod "lesbian." 

"i don't like i've ever seen you this happy.." kara says with a smile "she makes you smile." 

"she does." you agree. 

kara swallows, her face falls, "you know i'm right." she says quietly "about taking the bomb." 

you bite your lip, then nod 

"i do." you say "but i don't like it. i-" you take a deep breath "i promised jeremiah that i would protect you. that i would keep you safe." 

"one life," kara says "if we all make it, for a whole planet. that one life is worth it." 

"not your life." you whisper "not your life it's not." 

"alex-" 

"i know." you reply "i know. i just," you shake your head, pulling her closer "i don't want to lose you. you're my little sister. i shouldn't be sending my little sister through the breach to blow up the kaiju." 

"you're sending a jaeger." kara reminds you.

"you're always going to be my sister first." you tell her. 

kara presses herself against you "there's no other way." she says "not with the time we have left." 

you swallow hard, but there's nothing to say, not to that. 

so you hold her close, feeling dangerously close to tears. except they do not fall, not with kara in your arms. no - if she's going on a one person suicide mission then, you keep your hand carding through her hair, you want this moment for as long as you can have it. 

eventually, with your arm around kara's shoulders, you do make it back down to the lab. you walk through a slowly waking shatterdome. 

lena seems to have taken over explaining how the bomb works, and from the last pieces that you hear - 

it's a revolutionary piece of technology. remote activation of the sensory devices which will then choose which of the ignition components the bomb will require. a thirty second countdown window, 

and no failsafe to disarm it. 

kara is slipping back into her lab coat, lena handing her some pieces of equipment and she allows herself to be lost in the engineering of it all. 

you come and stand by maggie, who is sitting on a stool. she finds your hand without looking away from lena, lacing your fingers together and squeezing your hand gently. 

you squeeze back.

"so," lena is saying "my company should be bringing the last components within the next two days." 

"and the repairs to red tornado will be done in four days." lucy says 

"same for dismantle and zor-el." 

silence falls and then, 

"so," maggie says, "countdown to departure to the breach, one hundred and twenty hours." 

and suddenly, everything feels very, very real.


	24. now - twenty - you're a goddamn hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tomorrow - or, later today in a few hours - the final stand will take place. that is not lucy's preferred name for the event that will involve three jaegers being taken to the bottom of the pacific ocean in the hopes of closing the breach.

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**june - 2022**

it is a night like tonight where lucy envies m'ganns ability to sleep through literally anything. not that there's anything happening right now, nothing drastic such as armed p.p.d.c soldiers storming the gates, or another scientific breakthrough. 

no, 

the only thing happening right now is the passing of time. the ticking down of a countdown clock that hangs in the cafeteria. lucy can practically hear it from her bed. she knows there is m'gann below her, asleep. maggie and alex tangled on the couch together. and kara, on a mattress she hauled down from her room, all asleep. all spending the night together, in the same space, able to talk and not talk about what's coming form them. 

at the present lucy is laid out on her back, staring up at the ceiling with her hands tucked under her head. part of her had given up on sleeping a while ago, yet she remains in bed because, 

well,

tomorrow - or, later today in a few hours - the final stand will take place. that is not lucy's preferred name for the event that will involve three jaegers being taken to the bottom of the pacific ocean in the hopes of closing the breach. she doesn't know what to call it, 

although part of her is keenly aware that it feels an awful lot like a suicide mission, and that, she doesn't know what to do with. so lucy lays awake as the minutes tick by into hours and the hours have dragged on until finally, 

she can't lay here any more. not alone with her racing thoughts in the darkness. not with m'ganns steady breathing a reminder that at least one of them is well rest. no. so lucy slips out of bed as quietly as she can. she slips into boots, sockless and doesn't even bother to tie them. she finds her room key and holds it, cold against her skin, as she leaves the room. 

where she goes, doesn't come to her immediately. a venture into the cafeteria would only bring her face to face with the countdown clock - and that, lucy would like to avoid most of all. so instead, lucy makes her to a different room. or, she attempts to. this shatterdome is the same, and yet slightly different. she takes a wrong turn and finds herself faced with a row of numbered rooms she was not intending to walk to. 

eventually however, lucy finds her destination. she hesitates, then knocks on the door. her mouth is dry and she's not sure that she's even got the right room number but then -

"lucy," comes lois' hushed whisper as she pulls open the door "hey," she says "come in." 

so lucy does. 

lois' room is a mess of papers taped to the walls, files stack on the couch, on the coffee table. a laptop opened and glowing the dim light cast by the bathroom's bare bulb. 

lucy finds that she doesn't know what to say, now that she's here. it's just that she might die tomorrow, and lois would care. even if their father may not. 

"you okay?" lois asks gently, then "stupid question. sit." she nudges lucy towards the bed, although it looks like it's barely been slept in "sit, luce." she says "i'll make some tea." 

lucy can only nod. so that's what she does. she nods and she sits down and she, for the first time in a long time, 

feels very, very young. 

"clark couldn't sleep either," lois says, turning to look at lucy as she fills a kettle "when they knew a kaiju could be coming. he'd be up all night, pacing."

"m'ganns dead to the world." lucy replies, then flinches at her choice of words "i wish i could do that." 

lois sets the kettle to boil and moves to sit down next to her little sister "it's natural," she says "not to be able to sleep. tomorrow is," she pauses, trying to define what tomorrow will be.

"i could die." lucy says quietly "probably will die." 

"yeah," lois says, her voice tripping over itself "yeah that's the chance." 

"i'm okay with it." lucy says "i think." 

"dying?" 

lucy nods. 

"because you're a solider." 

lucy nods again.

"you're not just a soldier." lois says quietly "you're a kid." 

"only to you." 

"you're my kid sister." lois says with a smile "but, you can be okay with the risks you're going to take and still be scared." 

"i think i'm scared of failing." lucy says "that we might all die and the kaiju will take over the planet anyway. i don't," she swallows hard "i don't want all of this to be for nothing." 

"you can't just be scared of dying can you?" lois asks, teasing "you have to be scared for noble reasons." she pauses "clark was like that." 

somewhere to the side, the kettle boils. 

"i just," lucy says "i don't know. i don't," she struggles to find the words "i want what we do tomorrow, i want it to work. i want it to matter. but i'm scared because we don't know what's going to happen. we've never assaulted the breach like this before. and what if we fail. we don't have any other plans. this is it. we fail and, and nothing we did before matters." 

"you're wrong." lois says quietly "about nothing that you've done before mattering if you fail tomorrow." she shakes her head and stands "let me show you something." 

lois finds a file, buried under other files in a heap on the floor. she comes back to sit next to lucy and hands her the file "look." she prompts. 

so lucy does. 

she flips open to see the contents and - 

photographs. 

dozens of them. the top one is unmistakable of los angeles. of wreckage. in the background there is smoke caught rising, the unmistakable form of dark star, standing in the wave. but in the foreground, people hugging. tears, but smiling through the tears. 

she looks over at lucy "who-?" 

"james." lois says "there's something therapeutic for him, in taking photos. he's the one who's gotten a lot of photos for my articles. he's truly talented." 

lucy flips through the second, third and fourth photos. not all of them have smiles. some of them are of people grieving the dead or dying. 

"i don't get it." she says quietly "why-" 

"because if you and m'gann and alex and maggie and kara, if you didn't do what you do. everyone in these photos would be dead. not just some of them."

lucy nods, but is unconvinced. 

"after clark died," lois says "after being angry and grieving, after all of that, i tried to buy into the 'life is short' philosophy. it felt like bullshit, but i think in the years since then, i've realized that's true. life is short. especially on this planet, especially right now. life is short. you've done so much good in the world lucy, and i don't think you even realize it. or let yourself recognize the millions of lives that you and m'gann have saved." 

lucy's chest is tight, her eyes sting, and lois keeps talking. 

"whatever happens tomorrow, you know i'm so proud to call you my sister, right? everything you've done, everything you will do, you're a hero. you're a godddamn hero lucy." 

lucy lets out a hiccuping breath, turning and pressing her face into lois' shoulder. she can't contain this any more, "and," lois continues "i don't think i've told you that nearly enough." 

and then lucy is crying, for the first time in she doesn't know how long. all of her fear and anxiety and trepidation, it's pouring out of her. and lois is here. lois wraps her arms around her little sister and pulls her close. lois, who for so long has sat on the sidelines, telling the world what's happened, reporting it to the best of her abilities, finds herself with an armful of her little sister, shaking. she finds herself faced with the very real possibility that this may be the last night she and lucy share together. 

[and lois has to swallow her regrets for now is not the time] 

instead, she focuses on her sister.

and lucy? she clings. 

the tea has been forgotten and yet neither of them care. not in this moment. nor in the moments to come as the night ticks on and lucy finds herself calmed and comfortable. settled next to her sister and, finally, 

tired. 

exhausted even. 

so she curls against lois' side. she misses lois text m'gann that lucy is with her. 

and finally, 

lucy sleeps. 

and when she wakes, 

the morning has come. the shatterdome is practically vibrating with nervous energy, 

but lucy - the solider, is ready. 

she walks into the cafeteria and stares the countdown clock down. it doesn't scare her anymore. 

she finds a seat next to m'gann, finds a seat and sits down and m'gann looks over at her. 

"you know," m'gann says "you could have woken me up." 

lucy nods, she does know "but you look so peaceful while you sleep." she replies.

m'gann snorts "right." 

across the table, kara takes a seat. there's a difference in the way she stands that lucy isn't sure she's noticed before. a breadth to her shoulders, a calm, control in her eyes. what remains consistent, is the amount of food on her tray. 

"where are the other two?" lucy asks. 

"getting ready." kara says "apparently they already ate." 

"i'm sure they did." m'gann smirks. 

kara pulls a face. 

lucy laughs, then "not on our couch i hope." 

"not at all, i hope." kara says.

"not at all what?" comes alex's voice, maggie leading her to the table, their fingers interlaced. 

"nothing." kara says at the same time that lucy says 

"chances that you banged on our couch." 

alex chokes. maggie laughs "i don't kiss and tell lane." 

"but i think alex's eyes do." lucy teases "how was she?" she asks alex. 

"please stop." kara whines, turning a furious red colour "this is so much that i didn't need to know. i'm not going to be able to eat." 

"shame." m'gann grins. 

alex finally seems to have found her words "why, you jealous lane?" 

that shuts lucy up enough, and m'gann chokes on her coffee. 

"i have no idea what you're talking about." lucy says, voice a little strangled. 

"mhmm." m'gann smirks, low enough that only lucy hears her. 

lucy's response is to kick m'gann under the table, except, 

"who kicked me?" kara frowns, not a flicker of pain across her face. 

"not me." m'gann laughs, and whatever was going to be said next is halted by a voice cutting across the com 

_"two hours until departure to the breach. i repeat two hours until departure to the breach."_

silence falls across the group, smiles stiffen. 

"we should get some food." alex says, looking to maggie. 

maggie nods. 

they disappear. 

lucy looks across at kara "how are you feeling?" 

kara swallows, shrugs "didn't sleep much." 

"that makes two of us." lucy murmurs and m'ganns hand comes to lucy's knee. 

it's a comfort. 

even if the clock, ticking over their head, 

is not.


	25. now - twenty one - a fate they know not what

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> five wide. side by side by side by side, by side. they do not hold hands, but instead they walk with their heads high, their spines straight, as if they are not carrying the weight of a world on their shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you came straight to the most recently updated chapter, i have posted three new chapters. go back to chapter 23 and start there!

**shatterdome - anchorage, alaska**   
**june - 2022**

"i just want to say," 

it's kara's voice who breaks the silence that's fallen 

"that i'm proud to be rangers. with you." 

they're in a conference room, although it feels more like a holding room. at any moment the call for rangers to their jaegers will echo throughout the shatterdome and they all know it. they can all feel it, the nervous tension building. the weight of expectations - 

there's a reason they're in a windowless conference room. away from the rest of the dome - 

"seconded." come's m'gann, who's laid out atop the table with a jacket under her head. 

she hasn't opened her eyes, but still, she speaks "it's, for a long time lucy was my only family. now i've got you three as well." there's a forced stoicism there, in the way she speaks, in the way that maggie can see her throat tremor. 

trying to hold it together. 

"whatever happens." lucy nods in affirmation and it's that side stepping around the likelihood of death, it's saying 

_whoever of us, if any of us, survive, we will carry on. we will be a family. we will remember those who fall._

silence falls again, the ticking of a wall clock long since dismantled by alex. alex who is sitting next to maggie. who was holding maggies hand up until the moment that kara walked over. until kara posited herself between alex's legs. now alex's nimble fingers are working through kara's hair, twisting it and braiding it, intricate designs maggie's never seen before. 

kara has her eyes closed. 

[maggie wonders if she's memorizing the feel of alex's fingers against her head] 

[maggie wonders how kara, the youngest of them, seems so calm] 

the silence drags on and on, broken later by the door being pushed open and for a half second they all sit up, kara's hair half done. except it is only vas, "maggie," she says "i've got reyna on the phone." 

oh christ. 

maggie nods, stands, walks out of the room and into the silent shatterdome hallway. vas' hands her a phone and maggie realizes just how dry her mouth is "hey," maggie says finally, not sure what else there is to be said. 

_"i got your message."_ reyna says and her voice is thick with worry, with concern _"is everything okay?"_

"yeah." maggie lies "i just, i've been thinking about everything you did for me and -" 

_"you're a terrible liar mija."_ reyna says _"you always have been. should i ask what's going on?"_

maggie shakes her head and then "no." she says, fighting to keep the emotion out of her voice. 

_"then i won't."_ reyna says _"but know that i love you, and what you're about to go do that i can't know about, know that i am so proud of you. for everything that you've done."_

the call comes, 

loud and echoing across the comms. 

j'onns voice instead vas'. 

**rangers, report to your jaegers. i repeat rangers report to your jaegers. operation drastic action commencing.**

"i have to-" maggie starts, at the same time that the conference room door is being pushed open. 

it's lucy who steps out first, m'gann on her heels. kara and alex are next, and all four pause, 

waiting, 

waiting for maggie. 

for what feels an awful lot like a final march. a final walk, together, through the halls of a shatterdome they've all come to know and love over the past two months. 

"i have to go." maggie says, finally and, lastly, with more meaning than she's ever said anything "i love you." 

and she hangs up. 

lest she let her emotions overwhelm her. 

"ready?" alex asks, and there is a look of intensity in her eyes, a look of fierce preparation - 

maggie knows that everything over the past five years of alex's life has lead to this moment. to this final assault. and seeing the strength in her eyes, it shifts something in maggie. 

she's said her good-bye. 

now it's time for work. 

time for business. 

this is what they're trained for. 

this is not a time for fear. 

[although they're all scared.] 

"ready." maggie nods, striding to catch up with them. 

and so they walk, 

five wide. side by side by side by side, by side. they do not hold hands, but instead they walk with their heads high, their spines straight, as if they are not carrying the weight of a world on their shoulders. 

[as if they are not far to young to be faced with such expectations] 

it's kara's bay first, 

with zor-el and winn in the loccan. she peels off with a final nod, and it's then that maggie notices, 

her bare neck. 

the necklace that maggie has never seen her without, 

is gone. 

except a glance to her right shows her where it's gone. the chain catches in the light as it sits around alex's neck. alex who's hand is shaking and in this moment, 

maggie brushes with her own knuckles, a steadying comfort. 

"see you out there." m'gann says, when they come to red tornados bay. 

"see you out there." alex nods. 

and then it is just the pair of them. walking towards dismantle, and to a fate they know not what. 

\-- 

the water of cooks straight is calm. maggie thinks this is perhaps the first time she's seen the green-grey waters of the pacific ocean settled and flat. she wonders if that means something, if the earth itself is on their side. working with them in some form or fashion, to end the assault of the kaiju from the breach. 

or maybe they just got lucky. 

either way, the three jaegers enter the water, their rangers ready and aligned and for the first time in their collective histories, 

the rabit could not lure them. 

that, maggie will think later, is the power of their drive. so willing to save the future, the past could not touch them. not this time. 

in the now though, the sun is out, it's basically summer in alaska and they have at least two hours, maybe more, before they reach the breach. while none of them will be able to relax - eyes glued to the world of blue in front of them, and to the radars, 

right now there is confidence. 

there is, also, and maggie can't help but let her eyes drift to it, 

a bomb strapped to zor-els back. like some sort of demand backpack, maggie can't imagine carrying it. zor-el is in the middle, flanked on either side by red tornado and dismantle. for the plan is simple, in theory, 

get to the breach, 

get a kaiju.

get the bomb through the breach. 

get back. 

but nothing, and especially nothing involving the kaiju, will ever be so simple. except the longer they swim, the longer the radar stays quiet, the more on edge they all get until

"i'm beginning to feel a little insulted." lucy says "they don't want to come out to play." her voice comes across the comms as their radars remain silent. 

"they aren't the neighborhood kids who have the hockey net." alex fires back. 

"what kind of neighborhood did you grow up in danvers?" lucy retorts "although street hockey explains a lot." 

"explains what?" alex asks. 

"your fighting style." lucy offers "brawling." 

"better than yours." 

"i never said it wasn't." 

"she's had her ass kicked too many times by you to pick that fight." m'gann teases. 

it's banter. 

like casually swimming through the depths of the pacific ocean is exactly what they usually do. 

as if, 

you know, 

swimming towards what could be nearly certain death is normal. 

the breach itself is located within a thousand miles of the california coast line. the jaegers, and their technology, can make that distance easily given - 

_"we have activity in the breach."_ comes vas' voice. 

the three jaegers still, pausing in the water, feet touching the bottom of the ocean, bracing. 

waiting. 

_"hold."_ vas says, then _"two kaiju. category five."_

shit. 

but, it's what they expected. 

"where are they headed?" alex asks, but the question really is, 

'do we stop them and forget about the bomb'

not that alex will say that out loud. 

_"nowhere., kaiju codenamed echo and encore."_ vas finally says _"it doesn't look like they're headed anywhere. orders are to continue towards the breach."_

"copy." maggie says, flipping to the comms "everyone else get that?" 

"two kaiju." kara says "circling the breach." 

"sounds like they're protecting it." lucy says. 

"great." m'gann drawls. 

"at least we don't have to worry about where we were going to get out freshly killed kaiju dna from." alex says. 

which is, really, a relief. ever since they learned that the dna structure of the kaiju changes once exposed to the earths atmosphere. thus rendering them useless for getting back through the breach - 

or that was what lena's hypothesis was, and all things considered - 

[all things here being kara saying 'i trust her with my life. if she says this kaiju dna won't work. it won't.'] 

they didn't have time to argue. 

"we need a plan of attack." kara says. 

"you sit back." alex says "let red tornado and i take care of the two kaiju, get them dead enough to be dropped through the breach." 

"and if that doesn't work?" lucy asks "not that i don't think we can handle the kaiju, but i feel like we need to acknowledge that they are category fives and we're in their turf." 

"acknowledged." alex says "the bomb is the priority. we need one kaiju incapacitated enough for zor-el to take it through with the bomb." 

"or to be able to strap the bomb to it and drop it through." lucy says "that's the way it's been designed." 

maggie thinks again of a demented backpack. 

"actually," kara says slowly "the bomb needed a power source." 

silence. 

"what are you saying?" alex asks, with the air of someone who knows exactly what kara is saying.

"the bomb isn't just strapped to zor-el." kara says "it's wired to her. i'm going through the breach." she says "i have to." 

silence again. 

then, 

"that's why you gave me your necklace." alex breathes "kara-" she starts, but maggie cuts her off. 

"we're getting close." she says suddenly because now is not the time for revelations like the ones that alex is having - 

the realization that all along kara has planned to die. 

[to let them live.] 

maggie tries to ignore the pieces of the puzzle that is alex's racing mind - 

not quite memories, but not quite anything else. 

"let's focus." maggie says to everyone, to alex "keep your eyes on the radar. we know they're expecting us." 

the radar, as the seconds tick past, remains stubbornly the same. two blips, circling the purple smear that is the breach. it's almost hypnotic. 

"we may have the element of surprise." lucy says "we should use that." 

"what are you suggesting?" alex asks, still shaken. 

"i know you want zor-el to hang back, but," lucy starts, 

and m'gann continues "she wants to send one of us out as bait." 

"i'm volunteering us." lucy says "we come at the kaiju, get their attention, keep them focused on us. that should give you and zor-el enough time to get the drop on them." 

"that's-" alex starts and maggie knows she's about to protest. 

"that's a good plan." kara says, and there's the unmissable air of command in her voice "dangerous, but our best option. a head on fight in these conditions will end in their favour. we need to use our numbers." 

"you're right." alex concedes. 

"hundred miles and counting." kara says "red tornado, peel off." 

and to dismantles left, 

red tornado takes a turn. they disappear into the murk almost immediately. 

"give the call when you're in position." lucy says, and there is unmistakable trepidation in her voice, no matter how well hidden. 

"copy." kara replies "radio silent until then." 

"out." lucy says, and the comms are silent. 

down here in the deep, in the dark, it's unsettling. shadows flit and shimmer at the corners of their eyes and even in a jaeger as big as a house, and then some, maggie and alex feel small. they talk without talking, the drift connects them in a way that half formed sentences start in one of their minds and finish in the other. maggie's never had the connection like this before, not with anyone she's ever ridden with. 

to their left still, is zor-el. moving through the water with ease. maggie can feel the underlying current of alex's anxiety, of alex's worry and she tries to calm her. tries to reassure, 

but it's nearly impossible. 

not when they are swimming towards the start of all of this. what was the start, what could possibly be the end. 

suddenly, the darkness of the ocean floor drops away and 

below them, 

some distance away, 

glows the breach. 

"woah." alex murmurs, and maggie feels the sentiment. 

she's never seen it before. not in person, and certainly not like this. she's only ever seen what's come out of it. to imagine that it could have been something so, almost, 

beautiful. 

it's, 

alluring. in a angler fish kind of way. 

"in position." kara says, whispering, not that it matters. 

"copy." lucy says, 

and then, 

then it all begins. 

two hulking shadows were moving over the breach with regular, calm frequency, and watching from above is the perfect angle. for within an instant, everything changes. both beasts pause, both beasts look in the same direction. 

red tornado has gone dark. 

then, 

there's an explosion. multiple explosions. and the comms are alive with lucy and m'gann, shouting and breathing in synchronicity. the kaiju do not take kindly to this attack and they rear up, akin to a horse preparing to charge. in the next breath, they're barreling down the ocean floor towards where the jaeger stands. 

maggie knows they must time this perfectly. 

knows that alex knows, 

and then - 

they're jumping, falling, landing, right behind the kaiju. even as one, the one directly in front of dismantle - encore, - reaches red tornado and gets a face full of plasma cannon. even as kara lands next to them in what deadpool would, 

and maggie wonders why she's thinking about that movie now, 

call a super hero landing. with her sword already out. 

the ocean floor rocks with her impact. 

it is, all at once, a battle. m'gann and lucy fighting the heads of two, while kara launches with her sword straight into the belly of echo, to dismantle's right. but the kaiju rolls and dismantle is forced to watch as kara disappears under it. 

except they can not move to help her. they are faced with their own kaiju. 

red tornado has brought out their knives, and while zor-el is struggling under the kaiju, red and blue arms are wrapped around it - trapping it there. 

an ugly way to try and make the kill but - 

"get the brass knuckles." alex is saying, and maggie slots them into place. their kaiju has backed away, preparing some sort of attack, 

however they will not give encore time. this beast, with the head of a lizard that absolutely wants to eat them for breakfast, 

is not prepared for the tackle. it is not elegant, it is not graceful. it is dirty, it has enough momentum to - 

there's a shudder, a single stream of glowing _something_ coming from echo kara. it hits red tornado square in the chest and for a moment there's nothing, then - 

"what the fuck-" is lucy's voice "what the fuck -" she says again, the communication crackling "we've got no power. nothing." 

that registers as really bad. 

as really really bad. 

"we can't move." m'gann confirms.

"get out of there." comes kara's voice and she sounds strained with some sort of effort, from what maggie can not see "get out of there now." 

pause. 

breathing. 

then, 

"the emergency pods wont engage. we can't get out of here." 

then, 

with their attention caught by the sudden peril red tornado has found themselves in, encore makes its move. 

lucy is saying something, with what little communications power they have left, but whatever is said next is lost as encore bites on maggie's arm, ripping it from the socket. it's a spray of wires and cables and 

_pain_

maggie is screaming. 

it's tokyo but worse. 

she is crying. 

it makes tokyo feel like a scratch. 

but that much pain, it draws something out in alex because single handedly, literally, 

she is breaking bone, she is reaching in with a protective rage that maggie never thought she would be receiving, and alex is beating the ribs of encore. she is waiting for bones to break and in one motion, alex is ripping the beasts heart out. 

but at a cost. 

oh at a cost. 

the beasts hind legs, clawed and sharp are ripping at their abdomen. 

it dies, 

and they stagger backwards, dying too. 

"it's dead." alex says, panting and gasping for breath "where's the other?" 

there's a beat and then "we've lost comms with lucy and m'gann." kara says "the power reserves in their ranger are gone." 

it sounds like she's breathing hard. 

"i've lost the first one. injured but alive. tracking it now. what's your status?" 

"fucked." maggie spits, she has to because the pain is overwhelming. 

the pain is too much. 

"get out of here." kara says "now." 

"yeah right." alex says through gritted teeth "we're not leaving." 

"alex-" 

there's a shudder. 

maggie and alex look towards the breach in time to see a third kaiju emerge. 

"cat six." alex says, horrorstruck. 

"sword." kara says "get your sword out." 

and then, from nowhere, 

there's zor-el, running, like a bull fighter from a bull. sand exploding under her feet as she makes a jump, 

landing just in front of dismantle, helping them hold their sword up with two arms. 

for the briefest second maggie feels the touch of kara's mind on hers. she knows that whatever plan kara has, 

alex's knows. 

and 

it works. 

somehow. 

the category six is impulsive. in this dark, in the half light, it attacks in the direction a jaeger ran and, 

for all one hundred meters of it's length, 

the kaiju is gutted. 

maggie thinks it's the easiest kill she's ever made until -

until dismantle is hit by a train. 

until kara is jumping out of the way as the first kaiju, the angry, the injured echo comes back at them. 

dismantle is on her back, they're firing whatever weapons they can, but with only one arm,

there is not much they can do. 

they're being ripped apart. 

they catch sight of red tornado, stuck motionless, on it's side. crushed. 

"alex," comes kara's voice "alex talk to me." 

"i'm here." alex grits, as the kaiju finally tips backwards. 

dead, dying. 

but so are they. 

"kara i'm here." alex says "you've got to get the bomb through the breach." 

"but you -" 

"forget about me." alex says, tears in her voice "get the bomb." 

"alex-" 

"do it, kara. for me." alex is crying now. 

so is maggie. 

they feel their jaeger failing around them. they see the shadow of zor-el standing, hauling the dead kaiju by the scruff if it's neck, the bomb in her other hand. 

maggie isn't sure she's dying, 

but she isn't sure she's going to survive. 

they're too mangled to go anywhere. 

to get anywhere. 

there's too much pain. 

she feels a hand in hers. 

looks over, alex, stumbling out of her pad, grips maggies hand. 

"i'm sorry about that date." alex says with tears in her voice, and they both hear their jaeger groaning, the pressure of millions of gallons of water crushing them. 

"it's okay." maggie promises, gripping alex's hand with her own, "it's okay." 

and the last thing she sees is zor-el stepping forwards, into the breach. 

and a few seconds later, 

an explosion rocks the jaeger. 

but maggie's got her eyes closed, she's thrown herself into the memories she and alex are sharing. 

their first kiss. their second. their third, fourth and fifth. 

their last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all i know this is certainly a place to leave the story. i do apologise.


	26. now - twenty two - while the world spins madly on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when you had kissed maggie, you had done so believing it would be for the last time.

**somewhere outside anchorage, alaska**   
**july - 2022**

your body aches. 

it has been ten days since you nearly died. since you and maggie and m’gann and lucy all nearly died, but no one is feeling the repercussions more than kara. kara who, 

you roll over in your bed and through the open doorway, you see the flickering tv illuminating the shadow of your sister. you’re pretty sure she hasn’t moved since after she helped you to bed. a bed you share with maggie, whose body is warm and present and _alive._ you wish, for a moment, that you could hear her heartbeat - like kara hears yours, tracks yours. but you know of the great weight kara carries on her shoulders. 

getting out of bed is an affair. you are still carrying injuries the destruction of the breach imparted upon you: broken ribs, shattered wrist, concussion. there are less physical signs as well, the nightmares and the racing panic every time an alarm goes. 

‘alex.’ 

that’s karas voice. her words are soft and in your half conscious state you had taken no notice to her crossing the room to be next to you. 

‘let me help you.’ she murmurs, a hand sliding around your waist and in this moment, like all moments, you appreciate her. 

you appreciate the way she knows you’re bone achingly tired. that for the first time since you were fourteen, sleep has come easy. a decade of restless nights has finally caught up with you now that the war is won. a war kara won for you, for the planet that adopted her. 

it is easy to let kara all but carry you to the couch, to let her sit you down and curl herself next to you. 

‘you should be resting.’ kara says gently, a hand curling around your shoulders ‘you need sleep.’ 

‘so do you.’ 

kara does not argue that, for it’s true - however you know that in the days since the end, kara has slept nearly not at all. you know she has, in fact, spent most nights watching the news. a news that has been filled with talk of the kaiju and of the war that is finally won, but more than that - 

you look over to the tv and see the very clip that has gone viral and then some in the recent weeks. a clip you needed to see to, not believe, but to understand. for when you had kissed maggie, you had done so believing it would be for the last time. you had accepted death, welcomed the chance to accept the fate you’d been so certain lay ahead for you. 

instead, no. there was to be no death, no dying. not of humans anyway. 

‘i know it was the right choice.’ kara says, her voice wavering ‘but i-’ she hesitates, ‘i don’t know if i can hide any more.’ is what she settles on saying. 

your mouth is dry and you watch, one last time, the clip some late night show is trying to dissect. the clip of kara, masked and dressed in that of the jaeger ranger, emerging from the water. flying from the water. and with her, one in each hand are the jaegers. red tornado and dismantle. the ocean is an eruption of ripples and commotion, but kara is there, having saved all their lives. 

‘i knew i had to do it.’ kara says, and she hasn’t spoken of that moment - not since she collapsed on the flight deck, utterly spent ‘but i didn’t think about,’ she lets her words trail off. 

‘after.’ you supply, ‘there was no time.’ you remind her ‘you made a choice, you’ the breath has caught in kara’s chest ‘you saved the world.’ 

‘i saved you.’ kara says and there’s a definition in her words that is unyielding ‘i had to save you.’ 

‘you did.’ you remind her. 

‘but now,’ kara says with a breath ‘now there is so much more i could do.’ 

you know what she’s thinking - using her powers to help rebuild, to help people start over. 

‘you don’t have to decide right now.’ you tell her, 

no decisions can be made at four in the morning. 

‘i know.’ kara says, and you hate the muted, unsure tone she carries. 

you reach forward, slowly, and turn the tv off. 

‘try and sleep.’ you tell her, settling as close as you can, as comfortably as you can. 

‘i will.’ but it is a hollow promise and you know that - the world is clamoring to know about this masked flying ranger, the world kara carries on her shoulders still. 

[because that’s who she is. she lost a planet already. she won’t lose this one too.] 

\-- 

when you wake up it’s to soft fingers stroking down your arm and it’s maggie’s voice saying your name ‘alex,’ she hums, and you smell coffee, ‘morning.’ she says and you realize that maggie is knelt down next to you on the couch. 

she has one arm in a sling and a black eye that is only just beginning to really heal. 

‘morning.’ you mumble, trying to sit up, wincing and deciding to stay horizontal instead. 

‘easy.’ maggie says and then, more voices radiating from the kitchen pull your attention ‘that’s lena.’ maggie supplies upon your furrowed brow ‘come on.’ 

she helps you to your feet and slowly you shuffle across the hardwood floors and into the kitchen. it is, really, a very full kitchen. there’s lucy and her crutches at the head of table nearest the door and m’gann to her left. between them, lucy took the brunt of the injuries and looks worse off for it. but you know m’gann is carrying the nightmares and they are reflected in her haunted eyes, in the shadows there. 

at the stove is kara, which is slightly worrying but you see lena emerge from the pantry with more eggs and suddenly you feel like perhaps the kitchen won’t catch fire. although how lena found time to learn to cook amidst running a billion dollar company and funding the saving of the world, 

you’re not sure. 

but thinking about it makes your head hurt. 

lucy nudges you with a foot pressing into your calf ‘hey danvers,’ she says and waist until you look over ‘sleep okay?’ 

you consider and then nod ‘okay.’ you agree ‘you?’ 

‘damn leg doesn’t let me sleep.’ lucy says, which you suspect is only partially true. you suspect that lucy stays awake for m’gann’s sake. 

maggie has taken over from kara at the stove and as such, kara plops down into the seat next to you wordlessly. 

the silence that descends over the table is heavy, filled with the trauma of a war none of you can really believe is finally over. 

‘no one would blame us if we stayed up here forever.’ m’gann says, as a heaping bowl of scrambled eggs and a teetering stack of toast is put down on table. 

and that, you think, is certainly an idea. 

the problem is, there are lots of ideas. j’onn has ideas for some defense organisation to continue protecting the government. general lane has ideas about still arresting all of you. and between the two extremes it seems that every option under the sun is open to you. 

it seems the world was much simpler when it was 

wake up. kill the kaiju. eat. sleep. repeat. 

now that the kaiju are dead and gone you’re left with an emptiness. aimless, spinning. a compass without a true north. 

maggie’s hand trails across the back of your neck and she slips into the seat next to you, plating food one at a time for everyone. 

‘no one expects you to make a decision now.’ lena says, which is true enough and it’s because she just so happens to have a tricked out cabin in alaska that you’re all able to hide up here anyway. 

hide while the world spins madly on. 

‘i think,’ kara says and everyone stills when she speaks ‘i think i know what i want to do.’ 

you swallow hard. 

‘sort of.’ kara adds. 

‘i want to keep helping people.’ she says ‘i want to keep protecting people.’ she looks around the table, lastly to you ‘we were really good at protecting people and i - just because the kaiju are gone doesn’t mean that other people, other aliens aren’t going to try and destroy the world.’ she pauses one last time ‘we can stop them.’ 

‘kara-’ lena starts and you wonder how much kara has talked about this with her - and really, you’re glad. 

‘i think that’s a good idea.’ m’gann says, surprising everyone ‘keep helping. keep protecting.’ 

‘think about it.’ kara says, to everyone and to no one in particular. 

you know though, that kara is going to chase this idea which means, really, so are you. 

she saved your life. she’s your little sister. she is your north. 

she, and everyone else at this table, are your family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm, i'll be honest with y'all - i was not expecting to finish this story. i've long since stopped watching supergirl and as such my interest in this story waned. that said, for some reason today, an inspiration struck. i suppose you could say it came from a place of wanting to give y'all an ending. 
> 
> so many of you have been with me since the beginning of this story, over a year ago now and i wanted to give you some sort of ending. this was not the ending i had in mind, but i don't have another four chapters in me. 
> 
> that said, i am happy with this chapter. it brings the story around in the way that i wanted to. it presents to you the characters and how they've grown, how they've changed. 
> 
> one last thing - this story is the longest i have ever written and i can't believe it's over 90k. i can't believe so many of you have stuck with me. so thank you all, it's been a wild ride.


End file.
